A Home for the Redeemed

by Sue Behnke

  Jane took a deep breath and started penning a letter. She wrote “to my ex-husband” but scratched it out, dissatisfied. It needed to be real. In her spirit there was no ex, just a man who deeply hurt her. She restarted the letter.

  Chapter 21

  And Lust Explodes

  Barb Weller was having a day out of the Twilight Zone. The first phone call was from a seemingly sweet lady she met at the church. She thought there was a potential friendship budding, and so she had shared her phone number.

  “Barb, you are still in town?” Strange, but whatever.

  “What do you mean? Where would I go?”

  “Word is you skipped town with the pastor. He is nowhere to be found. What is happening between you two?”

  Barb was speechless for a minute. She was then able to blurt out, “What?” Her word sounded more like a gurgle.

  She did not know what to think. She denied the rumors and hung up as soon as she was able to, vowing never to speak to that woman again.

  Another caller rang a bit later, first to make sure she had not run away with the pastor or if she knew of his whereabouts and then to tell her that she was praying that Barb would see the errors of her ways.

  Barb was dismayed. At the beginning she had felt a bit flattered. After all, the pastor of the whole church was in love with her. She knew she was a pretty girl, so it was normal for guys to pursue her.

  The feeling dissipated with the second phone call. It was starting to feel weird. She was creeped out.

  The third caller was Geena, the church secretary. Barb nearly screamed on the phone.

  “I don’t know where the pastor is! We are certainly not having an affair! I don’t know what you guys want with me!”

  “Barb, first let me apologize about the behavior of some of the people in our church. A couple of people called me, so I heard that you were being harassed. This is inexcusable. I would like to ask your forgiveness for this mess. They had no right to implicate you or accuse you.”

  Barb was placated a bit. Geena continued, “We have noticed that you were very fond of the pastor. Barb, I wish you were a bit more reserved with your emotions. In your enthusiasm you have caused quite a bit of pain in the church, but I think his wife, Maria, is going to be hurt the most.”

  Barb started protesting that she did nothing wrong. Geena interrupted, “Barb, we’re all wounded people slowly healing. We all have father and mother issues, mostly because we all had imperfect parents who did the best they could with what they had. I’m not judging you. I have been in the process of healing for years.

  “Only people who have received unconditional love turn away from lust. They recognize it as a counterfeit and hate it.

  “You see, some people at our church misread your behavior and implicated the pastor.

  “Carl will be in the office tomorrow probably. He was away on a prayer retreat today. We will deal with this mess tomorrow. I’m sorry I disturbed you. Good night, Barb.”

  The line went dead. Barb kept looking at the phone, afraid it would ring again.

  Chapter 22

  And Lust Destroys

  Shock went through Carl’s body. He could feel his heart aching. Geena had tried to soften the blow, and had shielded him from some of the more disturbed phone calls.

  The elders chose to confront him and demand an explanation to the rumors. There was an uproar rippling through the congregation and maybe—that is, they were wondering if—he should step back from the pulpit until they calmed everyone down.

  Carl was numb. A resolution was starting to form deep within him. He didn’t want to be here anymore.

  Another thought was creeping up. Maybe it was God letting him know he was not good enough to be a pastor. Maybe that was an answer to the deal he had made with God earlier.

  Carl was set in his heart. It was all over.

  The next couple of days went by as in a dream. Some members canceled their counseling meetings with Carl, which actually was a blessing. Others had no shame asking about his personal life, demanding to know how deep in sin he was.

  An unexpected phone call came in the middle of all the emotional raucous. A pastor named Bob Moody wanted to see him.

  “Carl, I was wondering if we could meet.”

  Carl was deeply reluctant. Bob was a retired senior pastor who ministered to the pastors of the city. Bob had invited him to pastors’ meetings numerous times. Carl had always politely refused. He had no time for coffee and chats for one, and mostly, he did not see the need to boast about (or be ashamed of) the size of his congregation and their activities.

  “This is not the best time, Bob. I have a bit of a situation on my hands. My church is in an uproar.”

  Carl was wondering if that call was not the man wanting to triumph at his defeat. He tried to avoid a meeting, but Bob was very gently persistent. Someone had called him to chat about the pastor and the new lady.

  “Carl, this is the time when you need strength. You’re a minister of a house of God, and as such, it’s in our interest that God prevails. You need to let me help.”

  Speaking to Bob this day, he was finally able to admit to himself that he had been deeply insecure, afraid of losing the flock he had labored to gather, losing them to other pastors maybe more skilled or able than he was.

  Carl lacked the energy or ingenuity to find more excuses, so he caved. Bob ended the conversation by declaring he was on his way.

  Chapter 23

  Obeying the Divine Call

  Benjamin did not want to go to church this coming Sunday. It took Jane a full week to get him over the trepidation and the surety that the whole matter was for the legally insane.

  On Friday on his way back from work, he stood to cross the street. A car stopped at the red light. His eyes were drawn to the advertisement letters painted on its side.

  It simply said, “Go.”

  The rest of the message was under it, but Benjamin’s eyes froze there. The pedestrian light was green, but he stood there, mesmerized, being called by the divine, receiving a message into his very soul.

  What spoke to him was the peace that flooded his spirit, a peace he could not have conjured up by himself, even if his very life depended on it.

  It was that peace that spoke to him. He felt angry and stubborn at first, but he found he could not move. He noticed that his light for crossing was flickering now, but his legs were just planted on that ground, honoring the supernatural.

  It occurred to him that he needed to obey, that he was accountable to the experience of the other night. He had a responsibility. He felt an urgency to deliver the message.

  He made up his mind to go to the pastor, fearing he would be stuck on that intersection forever otherwise.

  The moment he made that call in his heart, his legs were released, and he sprinted to the other side of the street, slightly shaken.

  What was happening to him?

  Chapter 24

  The Stand

  Carl did not pray in the small chamber before the service as he did every Sunday morning. He stayed in his office and then waited for his time to speak. When the music stopped, he walked slowly to the microphone and faced his congregation.

  “I want to start by apologizing to all visitors and newcomers here and to those who have no idea what I’m talking about. Please bear with me. This is an important message.

  “I built this church some twenty years ago, and I have spent the best part of my life taking care of the needs of any person who knocked on my door. I have counseled, married, and baptized. I conducted funerals, visited sickbeds and retirement homes. On top of that, I managed and took care of all the details of this building.

  “I have loved you with everything I had.”

  Carl’s voice broke. He paused and looked around the room purposefully, making sure every person in the church received that fact.

  He noticed Brendan was absent. Barb was not there either. He resolutely continued, “I believe some of you are proclaiming that I�
��m no longer fit to be your pastor.”

  A rumble went through the congregation, and a few muffled screams. Some faces had shock written all over them.

  A few people braved the crowd and said no out loud, but there was a general heaviness in the air. It seemed the crowd wanted blood. Carl’s heart hung heavy. He swallowed the tears and kept on going.

  “We are facing a situation now that has convinced me that I have sinned greatly before God, not in the accusations that you are leveling at me but in the fact that I have not worked harder at producing spiritual maturity in this church.

  “I have failed God and failed you. My insecurities and my inability to find role models to teach me how to produce spiritually mature sons and daughters before the Lord has caught up with me. I stand guilty.”

  A sea of blank faces was staring back at him. He had their attention.

  “A rumor had spread amongst you that I have betrayed God and my wonderful wife, Maria. Stories that I ran away with another woman.

  “Can I ask you, my dear friends, who has prayed for me? Who interceded for my soul? Not one of you called me to counsel and help. You went for the jugular, seeking revenge instead.”

  He turned to Geena, smiling sadly at her. “Geena, I want to thank you for taking charge of this matter. I was impressed with your insight and your maturity. Thank you. I’m grateful for your leadership in this situation.” Geena nodded.

  He turned to his flock again. “I had been feeling an exhaustion for a while now, and I had been seeking the Lord over some matters, including moving on and releasing the church to more capable hands. We will see how this matter resolves. A wonderful pastor—some of you know him—named Pastor Bob Moody is helping me sort through things. I will let you know when this whole affair concludes. Thank you. That is all.”

  He could see a few women crying, men looking distraught, others ashamed. He noticed Benjamin and Jane sitting in the back, mouth open, dumbfounded.

  Carl walked slowly from the pulpit, took Maria’s hand gently, and led her out of the church, walking with the dignity of someone who no longer cared.

  Chapter 25

  An Unusual Brotherhood

  Brendan was being called to the phone, his wife a tad mysterious about it. He had not answered any calls from members of the congregation on his cell, and he was temperamental at home. He refused to go to church on Sunday. His wife, who was tactful, consented to stay at home too.

  “Hey, Brendan!”

  He recognized the voice of the pastor and froze. He turned to shoot his wife a dirty look, but she had disappeared. Great!

  “Yo, Pastor, wassup?”

  “I noticed you were not at church last Sunday. Just wanted to make sure you were okay. How are you doing?”

  “I don’t think I’ll have time for church in the near future. I’ve been busy and … er—”

  Brendan did not know how to get out of this conversation. No excuses were coming to his mind. So he ended up just making noises for a bit.

  “Brendan, I have also called to thank you.”

  Huh! Now that was a surprise! Brendan was holding his breath to hear the end of this sentence.

  “The last chat we had shook me to the core. You see, my friend, I had been slipping. I had been very exhausted by the ministry, and this lady came all bubbly and full of compliments. I got flattered, mate. It was just flattering. That feeling was from the pits of hell though. I would have been on a slippery slope if it weren’t for your sharp eyes or your honesty.

  “Brendan, I don’t know if I would have caught it in time if it was not for your intervention. As, er … unconventional as it was, it woke me up.”

  Brendan was swallowing hard.

  “Brendan I would never even want to have a thought that would dishonor God or my wife. I love her more than anyone in the world, man. That’s God’s truth. So thank you, mate. I owe you one.”

  Brendan found himself quietly weeping. He just could not contain himself. The pastor was quiet on the other side, waiting.

  “Pastor, is this what mercy and grace mean? You giving me another chance? We both know I messed up so bad. I’m so sorry, you know, man. I’m so sorry. Is this what mercy and grace mean? No one has ever given me another chance, man. I mean no one, ever … I’m so sorry, Pastor. You were the nicest person to me. I didn’t mean to hurt you. James Duff was right, man. He was right. I didn’t see.”

  “Brendan, we’re both learning wonderful things here. We’re learning to become true brothers. We’ve got each other’s back. You cover me, and I cover you. And when we make mistakes, we forgive each other. That’s all. Don’t give up on me now, bro, or on the church. We need you here.”

  Brendan was experiencing waves of emotional healing. Copious tears were washing away so much fear and rejection, his own father jeering and sneering at him, his mother’s anger and shouting.

  He was so deeply touched he did not know what to do with himself anymore. When his wife came back in the room, she found him sitting on the kitchen floor, crying like a child. She sat next to him and rocked him until the pain subsided.

  Chapter 26

  Storm on Paper

  Jane felt stuck in a whirlwind. She had joined a church as she felt led. She was immediately swept away with church backbiting and criticism. With the sense of déjà vu, the whole business was enraging.

  She did not want to upset Benjamin or further discourage him. She noticed he was shocked as well. He had left the church with her, looking like he was on a cloud, silent and pensive.

  Jane turned to her journal, trying to conquer her emotions and to face the storm brooding over her home.

  Beautiful one,

  I come to you like a little girl. I want to curtsy like a princess and dance like a ballerina. I want you to applaud me with tears in your eyes, and I want you to look only at me with pride and joy. I want all your attention, and I want all your love. I don’t want to share you with anyone else.

  Would you be my Daddy? Would you love me like no one else? Can I be special to you as you are special to me? Can we have an exclusive Daddy-daughter relationship? I crave your attention. I crave your eyes on me. Maybe if I sat here and never left, you would not have time to talk or listen to anyone else.

  I’m starting to taste the sickness in me. All the people who desperately need your comforting presence and your healing love are being robbed by my hoarding heart. I know I can’t change your nature anyway, but I can change the sick jealousy in me. Heal me, my love. I need you to heal me.

  There is a fear that grips my heart at the idea that something can be wrong with me. Will that drive you away? Are you repulsed by my weakness, or will your love find a way to touch even that sore deeply imbedded in my soul.

  Deep unto deep, your deepest love into my deepest well, healing the boils and the sores in my soul. I just want to weep at my wretchedness, at the sense of being so poor and naked before you. I fear you will reject me and turn away. But somehow you don’t. Like a gentle breeze, I sense your arms around me, your soothing mantle around my shoulders. You are covering my sense of shame and nakedness. I know you would never take advantage of my vulnerability. I can just trust and run to you, deeper into your being, discovering more about your essence of love, drinking of who you are.

  I’m feeling free.

  She read her words again and took a deep breath. She closed her little world and stood up to face the other one.

  Chapter 27

  Carl Restored

  Sleep eluded Carl. He sat on a comfortable couch with a cup of tea, expecting a long night of fussing about the recent events in his mind. He had no rest and no peace, wondering how his life could have taken such a turn.

  He remembered with bitterness how much he had aspired to become a pastor. He had assumed that somehow it would change him. It would make him a different person, a better man.

  When he earned the title pastor, it seemed everyone else also assumed he was some super being, above the rest, with keys and answer
s to all life’s problems—the voice of God no less.

  He had to admit he believed his own publicity for the longest time.

  So many if-only statements cluttered his years. If only he had built a bigger church, if only he had a richer congregation, if only he had organized popular conferences, and so many others.

  Taking stock of his life and ministry, he was not sure anymore where he was at with God. He mostly felt alone.

  His mind started slithering toward the incident with Barb. He could only look at it with distaste. A long time ago, he had promised himself to vigilantly watch his heart and eyes so he would not dishonor God. He knew Brendan was God-sent. He would never want to be one of those pastors repenting in front of the world, disgraced. Besides, he loved Maria with all his heart, and there was no doubt in him that she was the partner of his life. The truth was that lust had budded in his heart. How many times did he teach this from the pulpit! Sin starts with a seemingly innocent thought. Had Brendan not been the rough guy that he was!

  He wondered how many others in the church noticed. How many watched him teeter and did not speak. How many sat there just waiting to see him fall.

  He spent a couple of hours prostrate in his heart before his almighty God, asking for forgiveness. It was like when Carl first discovered the great one. He ran to him unreservedly, confessing his disillusionments and his sorrows, but most of all crying for help.

  He remembered how he used to hold on to the horns of a divine altar he could not see, how he used to grab the hem of a mighty robe and tell him he would not let go without a blessing. Carl became again a broken man. Carl started feeling again. He was remembering his first love.