Beholden

by Lesley Crewe

The roads were still slippery. It was the right thing not to try to get back to Sydney today; that stretch was long and lonely at this time of year.

  I made it to the drugstore just before they closed and picked up what I needed, as well as a paper and a package of gum. At the last moment I saw a package of Chicken Bones, Mom’s favourite candy, so I bought that too.

  On the way home, I’m not sure what came over me, but I drove past our driveway and headed up the road a little farther to see if the lights were on at Nell’s. It was a ridiculous notion that I instantly regretted. Swearing under my breath, I knew I needed to turn around and go back home where I belonged, but as I rounded the familiar corner my headlights picked up a car that had one wheel in the ditch of Nell’s driveway. Oh God, please don’t let it be her.

  A figure got out of the car and flagged me down.

  There she was. Looking as beautiful as ever. How was that possible?

  I pulled the car over and she approached me as I got out.

  “Sorry about this,” she said. “I just need a…”

  She realized it was me.

  “H-hi, Nell.”

  “George. What are you doing here?”

  “I drove my mother home today. She spent the holidays with us.”

  “Of course. What a stupid question. How are you?”

  “Fine. You?”

  “Fine. Well, not fine at the moment. I need a push to get the car back up the driveway.”

  “You need some reflective lights, so you know where the ditch is in the winter.”

  “You always were clever. Can you help me?”

  “Of course. Get in and hopefully I can have you on your way.”

  She got back in her car and I placed myself behind the left fender. “When I say go, you step on the gas!” I shouted.

  “Okay!”

  “Go!”

  The car moved forward only a few inches as I pushed against it.

  “It’s really stuck,” she yelled out the window.

  “I’m going to rock it. You press the gas when you feel me push forward, and then let up until I push it again!”

  My pride got the better of me and I pushed with more strength than I had, but finally the wheel found the road again and she drove it out of the rut. I was panting by this time. I walked up to her car window.

  “That wasn’t so bad,” I said.

  “Thank you very much.”

  “You’re welcome.”

  We looked at each other.

  “Why don’t you come up to the house for some cocoa? Your reward for a job well done.”

  “You still drink the stuff?” I laughed.

  “Who doesn’t like chocolate?”

  “Okay,” I said, thinking what a bad idea this was.

  She drove away up the hill and I got in my car and followed her. What was I doing? The last time I was here was the start of the whole thing. She’d said she hated me and never wanted to see me again. That was fourteen years ago. Did time heal all wounds?

  When Nell opened the back door, a dog I assumed was named Dog came bounding out, wagging his tail. He sniffed me thoroughly and kindly let me in ahead of him.

  Her kitchen was exactly the same, only fuller somehow. She clearly never threw anything out.

  “Sit,” she said, as she removed her coat and left her boots in the porch. I followed suit and sat in the one chair that didn’t have anything on it. As if time stood still, a cat was on the kitchen table, washing his face.

  “That can’t possibly be the same cat,” I blurted.

  “No. That’s a newer version. Say hello, Cat.”

  Cat blinked and went on with his business.

  I watched her as she busied herself pouring milk into a pot on the stove and taking the can of cocoa and a bowl of sugar from a shelf. She didn’t look at me, so I knew she was nervous and probably regretting the invitation.

  She hadn’t aged at all. Well, a little bit, a few wrinkles around her eyes, but she looked younger than I did. She wore her hair the same way, and her figure was still as fabulous as ever. I felt flushed, a sheen of perspiration covering my body, which made me shudder. My clothes were damp from the exertion outside.

  “Are you cold?” she said.

  “Not really.”

  “The cocoa will warm you up.”

  She stirred the pot endlessly, it seemed. I wanted her to sit down. No, I wanted her to kiss me. No, I wanted to leave. No, I wanted to wrap myself in her arms. No, I wanted to stop thinking about Bridie. I was going to blow it. Why didn’t I tell her about Bridie? She was going to hate me all over again and I deserved to be hated.

  “George?”

  I realized I blanked out for a moment. My cup of cocoa was in front of me.

  “Sorry. Thank you.”

  She finally sat opposite me with her own mug and took a sip.

  “So here we are,” she said. “Together again.”

  Nodding was the only thing I could do. I didn’t dare open my lips, for fear of it all tumbling out.

  She took a deep breath. “I regret the things I said the last time you were in this kitchen. Grief overtook me. I’ve wanted to get in touch with you over the years, but the more time that passed, the more I was sure you hated me and there was no point.”

  “I don’t hate you.”

  “It was my fault. It wasn’t your fault. It was all mine. I should have asked someone for help in finding a solution for Jane instead of taking it upon myself to remove her from her home, which was the cabin on this road. It belonged to a Gervais and Maggie Landry. Maggie died years before and Gervais was a terrible drunk who neglected Jane to the point of abandonment. She was their only daughter. I put you in a horrible position and I had no right to do that. Jane’s death falls squarely on my shoulders. I will never forgive myself.”

  “You had no way of knowing we were going to have an accident. And perhaps I was in a position to have helped her, if things had gone differently.” I picked up the mug of cocoa and downed it. Stop talking.

  She took a tendril of her hair and wrapped it behind her ear, the way she always did when she was tentative. “While we’re talking, and who knows if we will again, I want you to know that I was wrong about something else.”

  I sat there and waited.

  “I should’ve married you, George. I didn’t think I could love a child, but I did. I did so profoundly, and Jane wasn’t even mine. My actions set us on a course to live apart forever, and I don’t think that was fair to either of us. You’ve been married a long time, so I have no right to presume your marriage has been a mistake, but I know in my heart that I never would have loved another man as much as I loved you…love you.”

  I put my arms on the table and lay my head on top of them and cried bitterly. She didn’t try and stop me. Years of misery seeped out of me, but it wasn’t enough. There was still more I was hiding from her. I was trapped like a rabbit in a snare.

  There was no way to do this. There was no way out.

  Eventually I looked up and she had placed a box of tissues on the table. I grabbed a handful and wiped up the mess on my face. My heart was racing. What must she think of me?

  “I’m sorry, Nell. I’m just sorry about everything. And I want you to know that I do love you still, with all my heart.”

  She smiled at me and reached for my hand. “Why can’t we be together, then? Why can’t we undo the mistakes we’ve made and start over? Our lives are almost done. Don’t we deserve to be happy? If you don’t love your wife, let her go. She must know how you feel. Is it fair to her to keep her in a loveless marriage?”

  My head started to throb again. I needed air. I got out of the chair and reached for my coat. She ran over to my side and put her arms around me.

  “Say you love me, George. Let me hear you say it again.”

  I
took her face in my hands. “I love you, Nell. You are my one true love. I will love you until the day I die.”

  We kissed each other then, and it was as easy as breathing. We were home. This was where we both belonged. How effortless it would have been to take her upstairs and feel the body I loved beneath me.

  “Be with me,” she whispered into my neck. “I need you. I want you. Please, George. Say you forgive me.”

  “There’s nothing to forgive, Nell.”

  I kissed her again, knowing it would be the last time I ever would. I needed it to last me a lifetime. She sensed the urgency and pressed against me. We were one in that moment.

  Then I gently pushed her away. “I have to go, Nell. I can never see you again. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

  “But you love me, George.” She looked panicked and confused. I wasn’t making any sense to her. “You’re telling me you love me. You’re kissing me like you love me. I don’t understand.”

  “Trust me. It has to be this way. It’s nothing you’ve done. It’s my fault. The whole goddamn mess is my fault.”

  I fled the house and took off in the car as quickly as I could. It was like a dream. Had that happened? Had I kissed Nell?

  Mom’s house came too quickly. I should have wandered the roads to get my bearings and then gone home, but as I pulled into the driveway I saw her peek out the kitchen window so I had to go inside.

  “I was starting to get worried,” she said.

  “I ran into a friend and we got to chatting.” I held out her candy. “Here’s your treat.”

  “Thank you. Are you okay?”

  “My headache is back. I think I’ll just go to bed. Good night, Mom.”

  “Good night, honey.”

  Her eyes were on me as I left the kitchen. Mothers. How come they can always see right through you?

  Something broke in me that night. I loved Nell, and she loved me, but we could never be together because then she’d know about Bridie and hate me once more. I was still the coward who took months to tell her about Jane and I couldn’t face her inevitable wrath over Bridie. Knowing she loved me made it worse, and I knew I would never be the same. As hard as I tried to hide it from my family they knew, without ever knowing why.

  I constantly felt I was letting them down. But the fatigue that overwhelmed me couldn’t be hidden. It was all I could do to make it through the workday, and I relied on Bridie to keep the conversation going at the dinner table.

  “Did you cure a bunch of sick people today, Pops?’

  “No.”

  “You’re supposed to say yes!”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s better. And how do you like the chicken? I fried it myself.”

  “Good.”

  “You’re supposed to say fantastic!”

  “Fantastic.”

  Patty tried as well. “Dad, what do you think of having a reception at the Keltic Lodge in Ingonish?”

  “Umm…”

  “You don’t like the idea?”

  Mavis answered for me. “Don’t ask your father. He’s not interested, and it doesn’t matter what he thinks. He’s not planning the wedding.”

  Patty tried again. “Do you think it’s too far away?”

  “A bit.”

  “Where should we go, then?”

  I couldn’t think, but I was aware that their faces were turned in my direction. Why didn’t they leave me alone?

  “What about the back garden? You and Ray were brought up on this street. It’s where you fell in love.”

  “That’s so romantic!” Bridie shouted.

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” Mavis said. “We can’t fit over two hundred and fifty guests in the back!”

  “How many?”

  “I told you long ago it was going to be a big wedding,” Mavis sighed. “You never listen.”

  “You don’t mind, do you, Daddy?” Patty looked uneasy.

  It was easiest to say, “No, dear.”

  One Saturday in the spring, Bridie asked if we could go fishing and I flat out said no. I didn’t even bother giving her an excuse. The disappointment on her face barely registered with me. The next weekend, Patty sat down next to me in the living room. She held my hand.

  “Whatcha doin’, Dad?”

  “Watching television.”

  She looked at the set. “It’s not on.”

  “Oh.”

  She put her head on my shoulder. That was nice of her.

  Being a doctor, I was well aware of the symptoms of clinical depression, and I knew I ticked all the boxes, but to admit it would destroy my reputation. Not that I cared about my career, but I needed a job to finance this impressive wedding. I needed to know I could keep Mavis the way she liked to be kept, and I needed to keep saving money for Bridie’s future.

  Suddenly it was July and the wedding was upon us. For some reason, I thought it would be a longer process, but it was just as well. Living in the house with a heightened state of wedding mania was getting to me. With all the frenzied activity, even Bridie got fired up.

  “I’m rethinking the spinster route, Pops.”

  I poured a bowl of cereal. “Don’t do it.”

  “Patty wants me to wear a long blue empire-waist dress. I have no idea what an empire waist is, but it sounds impressive, don’t you think? And apparently, I get to wear a short veil with a flat bow on the top of my head. It’s not every day you get to do that. Who knew weddings were so outside the world of reality?”

  All I knew was the cost was out of this world. Mavis insisted I buy a tuxedo. When was I ever going to wear that again?

  “Can’t I just rent one?”

  “You can always tell a rented tuxedo. You have a pivotal role in the ceremony. All eyes will be on you and Patty walking down the aisle. You can’t screw it up, George. I’m doing everything else, and this is the only thing I’m asking you to do. For God’s sake, oblige me.”

  So I hauled my body into Spinner’s Men’s Wear and had myself fitted for a black tuxedo. The girls made me give them a show when I brought it home. When I walked into the living room with it on, they clapped and hooted. Mavis ran over and kissed me.

  “What a handsome man!” she burbled.

  “Daddy, you look fantastic!”

  Bridie giggled. “The old dolls at the wedding will swoon at the sight of you.”

  It’s really too bad I felt nothing at all.

  Fortunately, you’d have to be dead not to have an emotional response when you see your first-born daughter in her wedding gown. My eyes filled up as Patty twirled for me in her bedroom on that beautiful summer afternoon.

  “What do you think, Dad?”

  “I think Ray is one very lucky young man. You look beautiful, sweetheart.”

  “Thanks, Daddy.” She kissed my cheek and I held her close. Until she shouted in my ear: “Bridie! Your bow is upside down! You can’t possibly think it goes like that!”

  “How was I supposed to know?”

  Patty rushed off to tear the bow off Bridie’s head and put it back the way she wanted it. It looked exactly the same to me. Then Mavis shouted something from our room and Patty disappeared. Bridie looked at herself in the mirror and shook her head.

  “For one silly moment, I thought this was going to be fun, but I feel like a fool in this blue veil. It looks like the toilet-paper doll in Mavis’s bathroom.”

  “For pity’s sake, please don’t say that to Patty.”

  When you think of what you do at a wedding, it’s amazing that it’s so bloody tiring. You get in a car, walk down an aisle, sit down, walk back up an aisle, greet friends, eat food, dance, say a few words, kiss people goodbye, and get back in the car to go home. The tiring part must come from the fact that it takes eighteen hours for all this to unfold.

  Mavis, Bridie, and I wal
ked into the house silently. We looked at each other.

  “That was fun,” Mavis said.

  We nodded wearily.

  “Let’s hit the hay,” I said.

  “I’m definitely never getting married,” said guess who.

  I couldn’t believe my appearance when I looked at the wedding album a month later. Anyone within a mile radius could see I looked miserable, and here I’d thought I was putting up a good front. It was shocking, and I berated myself for not making more of an effort to look happy on the most important day of my daughter’s life.

  Once Patty moved out, the house was like a tomb. Mavis was making me pay for being uninterested in everyone and everything, including her, so to punish me she shopped just about every day. It was getting to the point where we had no more closet space in any of our bedrooms. Bridie’s old room upstairs was basically a storage facility.

  Bridie, bless her heart, carried on as if everything was normal, which must have taken an awful toll on her. As much as I wanted to help her, it was as if my hands were tied behind my back. She was the buffer between Mavis and myself—a terrible burden to put on anyone, let alone an almost sixteen-year-old.

  I remember Eileen admiring the light in Bridie’s eyes, and I missed seeing it. It was my fault it was gone. The state I was in, I was convinced everything in the world was my fault.

  Donny showed up at my office one morning before my first patients arrived.

  “To what do I owe the pleasure?” I said.

  With his usual tact, he plunked himself down on the chair in front of me. “Mom wants to know what’s wrong with you. I told her you’ve always been a prick. Is she just noticing this now?”

  “You’re a funny guy, Donny.”

  His faced turned serious. “What’s up, George? You’re obviously not yourself. That’s all I hear at the water cooler. ‘What’s wrong with George?’ It’s getting tiring.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Bullshit.”

  I got up and looked out the window through the dusty blinds.

  “Why don’t you get a divorce? Mavis would drive anyone around the bend.”

  “This has nothing to do with Mavis.”