Be My Baby

by A. L. Michael

  ‘Nothing’s up.’

  ‘You’re distant.’

  ‘I’m busy,’ she corrected.

  ‘So when this wedding is over, and you’re back to your regularly scheduled programming, I can kiss you again?’

  Mollie stepped back, ‘When the wedding is over, we return to regularly scheduled programming, and you go back off to your next assignment. What’s the point in getting attached?’

  Jamie looked like she’d slapped him, his cheeks reddening instantly, ‘What’s the point? What’s the point of being with someone you’ve missed for ten years? What’s the point in catching up on a missed lifetime?’

  ‘Yeah, with Esme, of course that’s okay, but –’

  ‘But not with you.’

  Jamie looked at her as if he had never seen her before, as if she was a stranger, and he was just realising it. ‘Is it that Max guy, that one who’s been sniffing around you at your workshops? The posh git?’

  ‘No. I just... you’re going to be deployed again, you said that yourself.’

  ‘Right,’ Jamie set his jaw, and she watched as he tried to contain his feelings. She saw them dance across his features; hurt, anger, loss. ‘Never knew you were such a pragmatist Molls. Very careful in allotting your time to things and people, are you?’

  Mollie growled at him, ‘Hey! You don’t get to come here and demand things of me. You’re in her life, you get one-on-one time, you’re here for family stuff… you’re part of the group now, remember! You’ve got it pretty fucking sweet considering how things could have gone down, so don’t you dare–’

  He kissed her then, angry and desperate and hurting. He tensed, waiting for her to push him away, but she relaxed into him, whimpering slightly as she pulled him closer, craving his warmth, and hating herself for it.

  Jamie pulled back, looking at her flushed face and plump, pink lips, tracing the line of her cheek as he sighed.

  ‘I’m not expecting anything, I’m just hoping, desperately hoping and dreaming and praying. That’s all.’

  Mollie paused to let her heart rate return back to normal, but found she had absolutely no idea what to say.

  ‘So... what now?’ Jamie’s eyes demanded an answer, bright blue and so like her daughter’s that she felt dizzy.

  ‘Now... we parent. We co-parent. But the truth is, as horrible as it may be, I’m broken, Jay. We’re broken. We broke the minute I discovered you were gone, and my mum was right, and I had to learn to do this alone. My ability to trust is just... zilch. And I’m not saying it’s your fault, but it’s our situation. I’ve been hurt. I was a kid, and I was pregnant and alone, and I had to make the choice to break and heal again. And you being here, it’s like picking at a scab, unpicking those stitches that never properly dissolved, you know?’

  ‘I don’t get what you’re saying Molls,’ Jamie shook his head. ‘You don’t want to be with me, is that it?’

  ‘I can’t be with you. I will spend the rest of my life punishing you, and testing you, and pushing you away. We need to focus on being the best parents we can for Ez, that’s my goal here. We are old friends, just like you said. Old, dear friends,’ she held his hand and tried to smile, though it was killing her. ‘And we’re friends who will parent their daughter together. But anything else, it puts Esme at risk, and it puts us at risk. And I won’t do that, I can’t. Okay?’

  Jamie took a deep breath, shook his head, ‘I don’t buy it, Molls. You can’t kiss like that and have it mean nothing. I mean, we didn’t kiss like that when we were crazy young and in love. It means something!’

  Mollie smiled, tilting her head to the side, ‘Sure it means something. It means we have ten years of nostalgia and memories of teenage love between us. It means you’re an attractive man and you were the first guy I loved. It means it’s been an emotional time and we both like neat tidy endings. But the attraction doesn’t mean anything, really. Beyond the fact that you’ve been at war, I’ve been a mum, and we have a lot of history. I’m glad you’re here, Jay, and neither of us are going to jeopardise that. If you’re here, you’re here for Esme. Okay?’

  Jamie pressed his lips together, shaking his head as he shifted his weight side to side.

  ‘Right,’ he nodded.

  ‘Good.’

  They stood in silence for a moment, Mollie examining the paint work on the doorframe.

  ‘Esme called me Dad today,’ he said quietly, staring sadly at the floor.

  ‘She’s been doing that for a while now,’ Mollie shrugged.

  ‘She’s never said it to me before,’ Jamie sighed, rocking on his heels and avoiding her gaze. ‘A special day. Except one moves closer and the other pulls away. Night Molls.’

  With that, he disappeared into the dark evening, and was gone within seconds, leaving Mollie to wonder, not for the first time, why, even when she felt like she was doing the right thing for her family, even when she knew she had to protect herself, she felt like such a coward.

  ***

  ‘Mollie, enough now,’ Linda sat at the end of her daughter’s bed, watching as she cradled Esme, holding her too close as she stared into space. She wasn’t really there.

  ‘Mollie, look at me.’

  She blinked and looked up at her mother, seemingly confused about where she was. Her voice was quiet and even, ‘What?’

  ‘This isn’t right, this pining. It’s...’ Linda took a deep breath, and Mollie knew she was going to say pathetic. ‘... dangerous. It’s dangerous letting yourself be like this.’

  ‘Letting myself? I’m letting myself be like this? I have a choice, that’s what you’re saying?’ Even Mollie’s attempts at anger were fluffy and dull, like she couldn’t muster up the energy to care.

  ‘I know you’re feeling –’

  ‘You have no idea what I’m feeling,’ Mollie’s voice was sharp, warning her to back off. ‘I am walking through fog, I can’t feel anything. I look down at this person I made and I know I love her, and I know I have to care for her, but I can’t feel anything. Except loss. All I feel is loss.’

  Mollie clenched her jaw, her tired eyes steely and dark, ‘I can’t even cry. At least if I could cry I would know something was happening, that there was something to be released, but there’s not. I’m broken and empty and I just want to be left alone.’

  ‘This started long before that baby came along, my girl, and I’m telling you that you are stronger than this,’ Linda’s bright azure eyeliner was slightly wobbly, and Mollie focused on that as she was talking, how the lines wriggled and moved. ‘You may hate me, but if I hadn’t been force feeding you, if I hadn’t been there to take you to the hospital and crush up your vitamins... you would have lost that baby. That little girl sitting there that you don’t know if you love or not. You would have lost her because you let yourself fall apart over some boy.’

  ‘He wasn’t some boy!’ Mollie yelped, holding Esme closer. ‘He made me a promise and he left, he destroyed me. And I ate when you told me to eat, and I took my vitamins and I didn’t drink and I thought as soon as I had her, everything would be all right, that I’d have something to live for, something to give me joy – but it doesn’t! Nothing does!’

  Mollie started to shake, her wide eyes looking at her mother fearfully, looking for some sort of consolation, some answer from her mother that would make everything okay.

  Linda leaned in, sighed, and sat back again. ‘There’s two things going on here. The depression, that’s normal. It’s shitty and you feel broken and awful, but it happens to lots of mums.’

  ‘Did it happen to you?’

  Linda snorted, ‘No, but in your eyes I’m still a terrible mother, so it don’t make much difference, does it?’

  Mollie paused, wondering if she should deny that accusation, but it was true – her mother was selfish and didn’t seem to see her daughter as anything more than an act of defiance against the guy that knocked her up. Oh, how history repeated itself. Mollie held her daughter closer, looking dumbly at her pudgy little
cheeks and splotchy skin. She was meant to be beautiful, that was what parents always said, but so far she just seemed to be a strange sack of skin that breathed and ate and cried occasionally.

  ‘The numbness will pass. If not, go to the doc and get some pills,’ Linda shrugged, unperturbed by her daughter’s silence. ‘It’s the other thing that will destroy you, and her, if you let it. You’ve got to let him go, baby girl. Let it all go, the lies, the broken promises, the what-ifs. You have to be strong for her now, whether you can feel love for her yet or not. It’s your job to protect her. And you can’t do that if you’re letting yourself fade away. You’re strong.’

  Linda paused as she stood, then kissed her daughter’s forehead, stroking her blonde hair back from her face. She paused at the door and turned, ‘No more self-pitying bullshit now. It’s time to be a mum.’

  Chapter Eleven

  ‘Are you sure you’re happy doing this? Because you don’t have to,’ Mollie asked Esme once again as they stood in the kitchen set of the morning TV station, as people around them faffed and fussed.

  Esme rolled her eyes, ‘Oh yeah, I absolutely don’t want to be on TV. Duh, Mum, this is awesome!’

  ‘Okay, well...’

  Her daughter pulled at her hand, ‘Mum, just stop and enjoy, okay? You baked and were so good they wanted you to go on TV! Be happy, grouchy face!’ She grabbed her mother around the waist and squeezed, ‘There, I gave you some of my happiness, so you have to smile now.’

  Mollie smiled, rolling her eyes, ‘Thank you for sharing your happiness, sweetpea. I’ll give it back later.’

  The little girl shook her head and pushed her glasses up, ‘No, keep it. You seem like you need it.’

  Mollie felt herself getting a little tearful at that, but she shook her head and plastered a smile on her face.

  Maureen McTavish stalked in, high heels clipping loudly on the floor so that everyone looked up and paid attention. She was wearing a fitted red dress with matching lipstick, her hair falling around her shoulders perfectly. She smiled at the two of them and nudged Mollie.

  ‘So glad you two decided to do this! So! You’re going to show me how to make something together, what are we making?’

  ‘My favourite,’ Esme piped up, suddenly nervous, ‘Choc chip banana bread.’

  ‘But it’s healthy.’

  ‘It’s healthier,’ Esme frowned, crossing her arms, ‘healthy is a... uh... relation...’

  She looked to Mollie.

  ‘Relative.’

  Esme nodded, ‘Healthy is a relative term.’

  Maureen looked at her and unleashed her sparkly white teeth in delight, ‘You are television gold my darling. Gold!’

  The filming went well enough, with Esme being her usual charming self. Mollie could tell she was trying not to talk too much, but Maureen was eating it up, focusing most of her questions towards Esme, or encouraging them to do a sort of ‘mother-daughter’ act. It was hard not to, when Esme was performing so damn hard as this adorable, witty little person. She was like herself, but even more so, hamming it up for the cameras, and Mollie had the strange realisation that those dreams she’d had as a teenager of becoming an actress, maybe they were never for her, but they were laying the groundwork for Esme. Because her daughter was already far more talented than she ever was.

  They presented their banana bread, tipped out and cooling on the tray, and watched as Maureen took a bite and made lots of slightly inappropriate sounds for the camera. Maybe the rumours about the on-screen work she’d done before morning TV were true. She waxed on and on about how delicious the cake was, where they could find the recipe, and encouraged everyone to get down to the Ruby Rooms to take part in this great ‘Parent-child bonding experience, with added deliciousness thrown in!’

  Then finally, it was over. Mollie breathed a deep sigh of relief and after Maureen left, thanking them with that trademark perkiness, Esme turned to her, eyes shining and said, ‘Mama, I want to do that every day!’

  Mollie grinned and hugged her, ‘Then that’s what you’ll do.’

  ‘Hey, we should take a selfie to show we were here,’ Esme said, reaching in her back pocket for her mobile.

  ‘We were on television, we don’t need to prove – what’s that?’

  Mollie looked at the telephone and Esme blinked, ‘My mobile.’

  ‘Your what?’

  ‘The phone so I can speak to Dad and send him pictures and stuff,’ Esme frowned, looking at her mother in surprise, ‘I figured you’d said it was okay?’

  ‘Nope,’ Mollie said tightly, clenching her fists, ‘he didn’t say anything to me.’

  ‘Oh...’

  A few moments passed in silence, ‘Should I send him a picture of you looking angry so he knows he’s done something bad?’

  Mollie raised an eyebrow at her daughter and tilted her head, ‘What do you think?’

  ‘I think no.’

  ‘Smart choice,’ Mollie picked up her bag. ‘Come on, we’ve got to get you to school.’

  ‘But Mum, do I get to keep the phone?’

  ‘I don’t know yet, we’ll see,’ Mollie shrugged, nodding at people as they thanked her and said goodbye.

  ‘Because it’s not his fault that he wanted to stay in touch with me, Mum. He missed out on my whole life!’

  ‘And whose fault is that? Mine?’ Mollie snapped suddenly, stopping to look at her daughter as they finally stood outside the building.

  Esme recoiled, eyes widening as her face went red, ‘No...’

  ‘But I should have done more to find him? I shouldn’t have let you grow up without a dad, because now he’s here you love him and you’re angry that you didn’t have him with you? Because I’m angry about that too.’

  ‘No, Mum, it’s not...’ Esme shrugged, mumbling as she looked at the floor, ‘I’m ready to go to school now.’

  They spent the bus ride sitting next to each other in silence. When the school came into view Mollie rang the bell and went to kiss her daughter’s cheek. Esme shifted suddenly, picking up her school bag, offering a sullen ‘bye’ and disappearing without looking back.

  Mollie knew that snivelling on the bus because your daughter was, very legitimately, upset with you was not the best protocol, so she picked the next best thing: yelling at Jamie. She called his mobile and it went to voicemail, so instead she just stayed on the bus, passing Camden Square and deciding to go straight to his house to give him a piece of her mind.

  She knocked on the door of the very acceptable house in Crouch End, and continued knocking until Jamie arrived at the door, frowning at her in confusion.

  ‘You all right?’

  ‘I rang,’ Mollie said shortly. ‘You didn’t answer.’

  ‘I was in a session with my therapist,’ he shrugged. ‘Do you want to come in?’

  Mollie simply marched in past him, down the long white hallway and into the living room, unwinding her long red scarf and freeing her hair. She shrugged off her jacket in preparation for the fight.

  ‘Do you want some tea?’ Jamie asked tiredly, preparing himself for whatever was going to happen, hovering by the door.

  ‘No I do not want some tea, James,’ Mollie said pointedly, enunciating clearly. ‘What I want is to know why you thought it was okay to give my daughter a mobile phone and not tell me about it.’

  Jamie frowned, stepping towards her and shrugging. ‘Is that what this is about? I thought she’d tell you about it.’

  ‘It’s not her job to tell me about it! It’s also not your job to give her a mobile phone!’

  Jamie blinked, sitting down in the chair and linking his hands together, ‘It wasn’t an expensive one, if that’s what you’re worried about. It was a basic one.’

  ‘That’s not what I’m worried about. You can’t just buy her something like that without discussing it with me. It’s a decision, a parental decision about when a kid gets a phone. What if she’d been mugged for it? What if she’d broken it, or was using it crossing the road and
got in an accident? She’s only young, Jamie! She’s not old enough for a phone, and if you’d asked I would have told you that.’

  ‘Told me? So it wouldn’t have been a discussion then, between parents? It would have been me asking, and you telling, is that what you’re telling me?’ Jamie stood up, his body completely still and controlled. His voice was louder, but he refused to shout.

  ‘I’m her mother, Jamie! I’ve been here, I know her better than anyone!’

  ‘You just hate that I gave her something to share just her and me! That we could talk on the phone or text and it didn’t involve you!’ Jamie spat back, ‘You’re not being fair at all Molls. You don’t want to be with me, fine, but you’re pushing me away and then going around looking for reasons to punish me for being with my daughter...’

  ‘You think I’m that low? This is completely about you making a decision without me.’

  ‘Exactly!’ Jamie crowed with victory, ‘I made a parental decision without you!’

  ‘Yeah! The wrong one!’ Mollie rolled her eyes. ‘I trusted you to get involved, gave you space and responsibility–’

  ‘Space?! You’ve criticised me at every turn! You physically flinch when she tells you we’ve been doing sport. You pout whenever I ask you to come along, but now you’re moaning that I’m taking your kid away? Because I’m not the one who got the first eleven years with her, I’m not the one got to see her learn to walk, or talk or held her when she cried, okay? So I get a few measly hours a week and I have to deal with you getting angry with me because I gave her a phone? I gave her a phone so she could call me, so she could send me pictures, so she could feel that even though I didn’t live with her, I would be at the end of the phone any time, any place. It was a promise to her. You said be a dad or don’t Molls, so give me a fucking break, okay!’

  It was enjoyable to watch him lose it, though Mollie was a little ashamed of how much pleasure she derived from it. His face was red and patchy, his hands gesticulating wildly, until he threw himself in the chair with a thump, staring across the room with his jaw set.