Be My Baby

by A. L. Michael

  ‘So... what are we going to do?’ Jamie said, avoiding her eyes, ‘Do we need to get lawyers involved? Get something drawn up officially?’

  Mollie felt her jaw drop and something in her chest started to hurt, ‘You want to bring lawyers into this? I question your decision to give our child a piece of technology without consulting me, something that anyone would admit is a pretty reasonable thing to be annoyed about, and you immediately want to get lawyers in here?’

  ‘Well, we clearly have too many issues to work things out by ourselves.’

  ‘And you can spend all of that money you’ve got. Split half on lawyers and the other half on buying Esme’s affection, I’m sure that’s fair,’ Mollie made a face.

  ‘Fair? Don’t talk to me about fair, I’m just trying to make up for lost time!’

  ‘And I’m trying to survive after doing this alone for so long!’ Mollie retorted.

  They paused, Mollie sitting in the chair opposite him in the sparse room. She looked around, ‘Is this your place?’

  ‘Short-term rental,’ he shrugged, staring at the floor.

  ‘It’s so empty,’ she said, listing the minimal items in the room – two chairs, TV, lamp, curtains.

  ‘I requested it that way – nightmares when I came back. I ended up smashing some stuff when I first stayed in a hotel after going on leave. Seemed safer.’

  Mollie bit her lip, ‘Still having those nightmares?’

  ‘Nope. Had too much to think about to have energy for nightmares,’ Jamie said.

  Mollie nodded and they sat in silence for a moment, until he spoke suddenly.

  ‘My therapist approved me for active duty today.’

  And just like that, the bottom fell out of Mollie’s world again. Though she was sure she had been expecting it eventually, that she had prepared herself for the reality of the situation, she hadn’t thought it would be this soon.

  ‘Right, so, when...?’

  Jamie shrugged, ‘No idea yet, just have to wait for my orders to come through, and then I’ll be off.’

  ‘How much notice will you have?’

  ‘Don’t know.’

  ‘Where are you likely to be posted?’ She tried again.

  ‘No idea.’

  ‘Are you purposefully trying to be infuriating?’ Mollie huffed.

  ‘No, it’s just natural skill,’ Jamie screwed his face up and rolled his eyes as he spoke.

  ‘Can you... can you not go?’ Mollie felt her voice catch as she said it, and Jamie looked up, hopeful, as if that question meant something so much more. ‘You wanted to be a dad... I just want to know what you’re willing to sacrifice for her happiness.’

  Jamie opened his mouth, perhaps to explain all the things she’d Googled about when officers didn’t turn up for active duty, about how he had to go, how he would have to finish this tour. Perhaps he’d ask her what he would do as a job, how he could possibly survive. Maybe he wanted to call her a selfish bitch and tell her she had no right to demand he change his job in order to connect with his daughter.

  But she would never know.

  The stalemate atmosphere of tension and frustration was burst by Mollie’s mobile ringing. She recognised that number and sighed. ‘Get your coat,’ she huffed, wrapping her scarf around her neck.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Because that’s Esme’s school on the line, and I smell trouble.’

  Mollie was right. Outside Mrs Clements’ office, two girls sat, their heads down, crying, being comforted by their parents. The dad glared at Mollie and the mother looked up, brimming with outrage. ‘You should be ashamed of yourself, raising a child like that. There’s a reason we have standards at this school.’

  Mollie held a hand up to Jamie, to stop him saying anything, and simply walked past the woman, focusing on the feel of the cold metal door handle beneath her palm. She rapped on the door harshly, barely waiting for acknowledgement before she rushed in. Esme was sat glowering in the corner, her arms crossed as she swung her legs in the huge leather chair. Her hair was pulled from the two pigtails from that morning. She looked up and saw her parents, and glared, her eyes narrowing.

  Mollie went straight to her, crouching down in front of the chair and checking Esme for bruises, ‘Are you okay?’

  ‘Esme’s wellbeing is of less concern than the girl she hurt, and the two outside she scared,’ Mrs Clements said sharply.

  ‘Well, I can see that her hair’s been pulled and there are scratches on her face and hands, so I’d like you to explain that, first and foremost,’ Jamie said, nodding at Esme, who frowned at him. He turned back to the headteacher, her eyelids managing to suggest she was less than amused with the parents in the room with her.

  ‘Esme was on morning television today,’ Mrs Clements said, clearing her throat. ‘Obviously, as I mentioned before, as Esme is someone who has trouble fitting in, and is clearly... different... I would not have recommended putting her on television, drawing attention from her peers.’

  ‘Wow lady, you’re wasted here, your talent for spin is truly excellent,’ Jamie growled. ‘So she was responsible by making herself visible to her tormentors? Let me ask, when women get attacked, are you the sort of person who asks what they were wearing to invite it?’

  ‘Mr MacAllister, we have been through this before – we had no problems with violence at this school until your daughter arrived, and now we’ve had two incidents in a very short space of time.’

  The woman looked like she was turning to dust in front of them, ancient and cold in the stuffy, dark office, Esme looking at her with pure hatred.

  ‘Why don’t we stick to what actually happened, rather than your judgements about our daughter and our family dynamic, hmm?’ Mollie said simply, sitting next to Jamie and placing her hands in her lap.

  Mrs Clements blinked.

  ‘Well then, to stick to the facts. A girl said something that Esme found offensive, and so she punched her.’

  ‘What?’ Mollie gasped, looking at Esme in horror. Esme looked past her, unblinking. ‘That can’t be true.’

  ‘She broke her nose.’

  Mollie looked at the woman and then back at her daughter, ‘Look, I’m not sure, I mean... look at her. She’s small. She doesn’t even know how to throw a punch.’

  Jamie coughed, dragging his hand across his face, ‘Oh god. Yes she does.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘She does know how to throw a punch. I taught her.’ Guilt dripped from his voice and he turned back to Esme, anger rising. ‘I said no using it at school, didn’t I? I said you could learn to fight as long as you didn’t use it on anyone!’

  Esme looked at him fiercely, ‘And you said that once people know you’re tough, they’ll leave you alone and there won’t be any more problems! Well, this looks like more problems, Dad! You’re a liar! All this did was make everything worse and –’

  ‘Esme, you were not invited to talk,’ Mrs Clements said sternly.

  ‘I don’t wait to be invited to talk, I’m a human being! He told me that if I knew how to fight, no one would mess with me any more, I had to show them I was strong, and they wouldn’t stop pushing me and pulling my hair, so I punched and now her stupid nose is broken and I’m going to get kicked out of school! Happy?!’ The little girl yelled at Jamie, standing up to let the full force of her words hit him.

  Jamie frowned, clearly hurt, ‘But you asked me to teach you, you wanted to learn new things, you said you wanted to learn, like I’d learnt from my dad...’

  ‘Well maybe it doesn’t work that way for girls, I don’t know. But now I’m in trouble, and I wouldn’t be if I’d just let them hit me and not hit back.’

  ‘And that’s my fault? That you couldn’t stop yourself from hitting back?’ Jamie said, frowning in confusion, ‘Esme, I trained you so you could protect yourself. I told you, in no uncertain terms that you could not use this at school. You remember what you said when I told you that?’

  Esme nodded, looking at the floor.

/>   ‘You said I really didn’t know you at all, and now I’m looking at this little girl who has not only really hurt another person, and broken a promise to someone, but is trying to blame her dad for what she’s done. Are you proud of how you’re acting right now?’

  Esme pressed her lips together and shook her head, still intently staring at the floor, her cheeks going bright red from the shame of it.

  Mollie went to her daughter and held her, feeling her shaking, sobbing body against hers. She looked up at Mrs Clements, ‘Fine. What’s the punishment? Expulsion?’

  The headteacher’s shoulders sagged a bit and she shook her head, ‘As much as I personally think that would be appropriate, and best for the school, as well as Esme, it has become clear that her television debut, and the fact that she was wearing her school uniform...’

  ‘She provided you with good publicity and you’re not willing to lose that.’ Jamie shook his head in disgust, ‘This place is a joke.’

  ‘Be that as it may, we recommend two weeks’ suspension. After that, Esme may return, but I will insist that she sees our school counsellor once a fortnight for the rest of the term. Clearly there’s a lot of upheaval at home and...’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, we’re awful parents and it’s all our fault. Whatever. See you in two weeks,’ Mollie rolled her eyes, grabbing Esme’s hand and pulling her out of the room as quickly as possible, Jamie following behind.

  There was silence in the car as Jamie pulled out of the car park, watching as Esme fastened her seatbelt in the back. A few moments of breathing time, that was all Mollie needed, just to gather her thoughts and stop the blind rage that was coursing through her body. She shouldn’t say anything, she shouldn’t say anything...

  ‘So along with the secret phone, we have the secret boxing lessons.’ Her voice was clipped and sarcastic. ‘Anything else Jay? Entered her in a cockfight, putting her up against a variety of barnyard animals to see how she fares?’

  ‘Don’t start with me now, Mollie. You know I feel bad! I didn’t think this would happen! Esme promised and she seemed like a sensible girl.’

  ‘She’s a child, Jamie!’ Mollie yelped, staring at him as he focused on the road.

  ‘I’m right here!’ Esme shouted, ‘Stop talking about me like I’m not here! You guys are being weird and that school is horrible and I didn’t mean to hurt that girl and I feel bad and you two are being RUBBISH!’

  Jamie pulled up outside the Ruby Rooms and pulled the handbrake. ‘Look, let’s all go inside, have some tea, and sit and work this out together, as a family.’

  Esme bridled at the idea, kicking her legs against the seat of the car.

  ‘Stop that,’ Mollie said sharply. ‘Regardless of what’s going on with me and your dad, and who taught you to fight or whatever, you have done something bad, and you have to take responsibility for that, okay?’

  She turned to face Esme, whose face was blotchy and flushed, her eyes red rimmed and her lips set so that they only wobbled slightly. Esme resolutely avoided her eyes, instead staring at the handbrake.

  ‘And you,’ Mollie turned to Jamie. ‘This has clearly not worked. We will be going back to how things were before. I am Esme’s parent and guardian. I will be making decisions about her education, health and wellbeing. I will be sitting down with her and working this out. And when we have worked it out, we will talk to you about how and where you fit.’

  Mollie got out of the car, slamming the door and opening the door for Esme.

  Jamie looked like she’d slapped him. His eyes wide, jaw slack, a moment of panic as he looked desperately to Esme to defend him, but all he saw was his little girl silently sobbing on the pavement, standing next to her mother. He wound down the window.

  ‘Don’t worry about it Molls,’ he said bitterly, putting the car into gear, ‘Soon enough I’ll be deployed to some godforsaken country and if you’re really lucky, I’ll get killed and won’t be a problem any more.’

  He didn’t pause to see Esme’s head shoot up in shock as he drove off.

  ***

  ‘Do you want a boy or a girl?’ Mollie asked lazily, resting her head on Jamie’s stomach as they lay in the field. The sky was a glorious blue and everyone seemed to be elsewhere, so that the whole span of greenery and cloudless sky belonged to them.

  ‘Don’t mind as long as it looks like you.’ She could hear the smile in his voice, and smiled herself, feeling the solid, steady movement of his breathing beneath her.

  ‘Actually, a girl. I’d end up screwing up with a boy, just like my dad’s done with all of us,’ Jamie said suddenly, his voice too casual.

  Mollie sat up and turned to face him, ‘It’s time. Tell me what they said.’

  Jamie took a deep breath and sat up, ‘Well, I was respectful and told them I understood it wasn’t ideal, but that we had made a decision together. I said we would defer university, or go part-time. I said I would get work labouring with my uncle to sort us out and give us a head start. And I said I know they must be disappointed, but I needed them to trust me and support me, because we were all going to be family now.’

  Mollie nodded, impressed. ‘And?’

  ‘My mother threw a glass at my head, and my dad poured himself three brandies and still hasn’t spoken to me.’

  ‘Oh Jay,’ she patted his hand, ‘I’m so sorry.’

  He shrugged and smiled, ‘Well, just shows you make your family, doesn’t it?’

  ‘Bet your mum had a few choice things to say about me.’

  His face grew stony, ‘Yes, but she won’t say them again. She’s a vindictive cow, though, my mother. Very smart, but never thinks to go in gently – it’s always full steam ahead, her way or nothing.’

  ‘Meaning?’

  ‘Meaning she said she’ll tell her brother not to give me a job. And that she’ll freeze any money they were going to give me for uni, and I won’t be allowed to live at home.’

  ‘Jesus! What are we going to do? Has she chucked you out now?’

  ‘Nah, she thinks she’s put the fear of god into me – if I don’t say anything, she thinks she’s scared me into submission. I’ve been applying to jobs locally, looked into benefit and support, and worst case scenario, I can stay with my gran for a bit whilst I look for work. We can sort it, Molls, we’ve got quite a few months to get our shit together.’

  Mollie had a sick feeling in her stomach, but nodded.

  ‘I’m gonna go on that TA trip with the guys before though, if that’s okay? Kind of like a last hurrah. Wanna say goodbye. Plus some of them might know of work going.’

  ‘Yeah, of course.’ Mollie paused, biting her lip, ‘You can still get out of this you know. I know it’s very honourable and everything but –’

  ‘Molls, let’s not have an argument. If you’re here, I’m here. That was the way I wanted it all along anyway, baby or not. I just want to be where you are.’

  ‘But if we’re poor and fighting and our families hate us and we have no one to help us...’

  ‘Then we’ll just have to help ourselves, won’t we?’ He grinned, putting an arm around her and pulling her close. ‘Don’t you worry babe, everybody loves an underdog.’

  Chapter Twelve

  Time passed, in an awkward and messy nature. Mollie took the phone away originally, not really sure what the right move was. She didn’t talk to Jamie, unspeakably angry about everything, from the phone and the boxing to announcing in front of his daughter that he would be off to war soon in such a callous way. Maybe he was right, and it would be easier without him in their lives. Or maybe she was being a dick. It was hard to tell any more.

  She’d had all this time to raise her daughter by herself, not second guessing or wondering if she was making the right moves. And now here he was, making her question everything, making her compromise and get nervous and worry.

  And then there was Esme to worry about. She was going to be at home for two weeks. Mollie would have to work out a programme for her, which Evie and Chelsea helped with,
as well as Killian taking her on in the workshop for a few hours a day, which he said counted as both Maths and Design lessons, though Mollie wasn’t so sure.

  It was a couple of days later when Chelsea brought Esme back from collecting her bridesmaid’s dress. Esme held the dress bag aloft, walking straight upstairs without acknowledging her mother.

  ‘Ez, wait,’ Mollie called, ‘Evelyn’s going to take you this afternoon, she’s going to do some English and History with you, okay? Be ready in half an hour.’

  Esme shrugged and walked upstairs, turned back to her aunt, ‘Thanks Chelsea, I had a nice time today.’

  She clumped up the stairs slowly and Mollie’s shoulders slumped.

  ‘Still pretty chilly around here then?’ Chelsea sat down next to her friend, resting her head on her shoulder.

  ‘Penguins would find it uninhabitable,’ Mollie sighed. ‘Was she okay with you?’

  Chelsea shrugged, ‘She liked the dress, she smiled and enjoyed lunch with Celia, but she wasn’t her usual self. No in-depth explanations of fish skeletons and no sarcastic comments, so I figured something was wrong.’

  ‘Yeah,’ Mollie closed her eyes, leaning back on the sofa. ‘I don’t know what to do, Chels. I don’t know how to make things right. All I seem to do is go back and forth with Jamie. I’m pleased he’s having a relationship with her, then I’m jealous. I’m concerned, I’m protective, I’m a mess!’

  Chelsea stroked her hair, running her fingers through the blonde curls gently. ‘Babe, it’s the same as it’s always been – make the choice that’s best for Esme. Is it best for her to have Jamie around?’

  ‘I have no idea.’

  Chelsea bit her lip, ‘I know it’s not my business...’

  ‘No, tell me. Please tell me what to do, because I have no idea.’

  Chelsea sighed, ‘She misses him. He’s gotten under her skin and she loves him, and now he’s gone, and she’s home from school, she thinks her parents are mad, she’s upset. She needs him.’