The Hands We're Given

by O E Tearmann

  Just take a deep breath, he told himself. Deep breath. Check his clothes. Binder was down flat, packer was straight, everything else was as good as it got.

  Deep breath.

  He stepped into the rec room. On the couch, Kevin was lounging at ease, long legs loosely crossed. Aidan couldn't help but smile at the sight.

  The smile twisted awkwardly as his eyes caught on the yellow-green bruise on Kevin's cheekbone, a reminder of the night when they'd kissed. They'd both been so busy since then that they hadn't really talked about it, never mind kissed again. He hadn't even said hello to Kevin before things went insane with Tweak.

  He licked his lips. His mouth had gone dry. "Hey."

  Kevin glanced up, the vid screen reflecting blue from his glasses. He smiled as he snapped out of his thoughts. "Hey, yourself. Um, glad you made it."

  Moving over, he waved his hand in an elegant gesture, offering Aidan his seat with a bit of ceremony.

  Aidan rubbed the back of his neck as he flopped onto the couch. He wished Kevin wasn't acting so formal. They'd been so comfortable with each other until that run. That kiss. The first kiss Aidan had had since… Well, since Sam, a decade ago.

  More like a lifetime ago.

  He shifted, letting his shoulder brush against Kevin's. He wasn't really sure what else to do. But Kevin didn't move away.

  "Busy week, huh?" he murmured finally.

  Kevin smiled thinly at the screen. "That's putting it mildly. Damian refused me StayWake again, the great autocratic tyrant. Staying awake yesterday and getting any reasonable work done was sheer torment."

  "You know you were authorized for a recuperation day, if you needed it," Aidan suggested quietly.

  The wiry man beside him sighed, relaxing against the couch, then wincing for a moment before he nodded in a disinterested manner. Aidan wondered if the injury was new or old. Kevin hadn't told him about the run yet.

  "I know. I caught a few winks at lunch," Kevin remarked offhandedly. "I vote for something unbearably cheerful as the film of the night. Animation or music. You?"

  "Works for me," Aidan agreed with a shrug, watching Kevin out of the corner of his eye for a moment before flicking his gaze away. Kevin wasn't looking at him. Did the man regret what they'd done in the junkyard?

  They'd been dancing around this for months. So why was he so sure Kevin had changed his mind? And why couldn't he force the question out of his mouth?

  He cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Um, Kev? I… How's the shoulder? Your cheek looks better."

  Kevin glanced at Aidan this time, and his smile was genuine now, a little shy. "It's about as sore as I deserve. I, ah..." He pulled off his glasses, checking the lenses for imagined spots against the light. "I suppose a small reminder not to be an ass on runs isn't a bad idea, really."

  Carefully, he pulled out his cleaning cloth and polished the lenses. "It'll remind me to be more attentive in future. I shouldn't let myself get distracted."

  "'Not to be an ass'?" Aidan asked, turning to blink at him. Was that was Kevin thought? That the kiss had been out of line?

  "Kev, it's not… It was just a bad run. That's all. Turned out okay in the end, right?" He started to reach for Kevin's shoulder, caught himself and pulled back.

  Shit. Why was he afraid to touch him now? They'd kissed, for godssakes.

  "Yes," Kevin swallowed. "But I meant to apologize.You're perfectly capable. I never meant to disrespect your abilities. It's only… When I saw you out there, vulnerable, I…" He glanced down, giving a small snort of a laugh. "I have a bit of a White Knight complex, I'm afraid. Yvonne absolutely hates it." Slowly, he raised his eyes, smiling hopefully. "Apologies?"

  That hopeful, worried expression made Aidan's chest tighten as Kevin continued. "And I know I may have stepped over the line. Later," he finished quietly. "So maybe I should apologize for that, too?"

  Aidan felt his brow crease as Kevin apologized. Was he really apologizing for being on top of a mission and pulling off an amazing stunt? Crazy and scary as hell, yeah, but amazing. Then an apology for the kiss to top it off, like he hadn't said yes. Twice.

  He couldn't help the incredulous smile that stole across his lips. "No, um. Don't apologize. I just…" He paused, trying to put his words in order, trying to figure out what he meant to say. Ducking his head and running a hand over his hair, he sighed. "I just… I was afraid you'd… You know, just… Heat of the moment…"

  "That I'd get shot?" What Aidan thought of as Kevin's professional smirk flashed into place for a moment, sharp and dry. "I pride myself in my field abilities. Don't worry about me."

  Aidan could feel a blush starting to heat his cheeks as he fumbled for words. He should have thought over how to talk about this beforehand.

  "No, I meant, I thought you'd- After, you'd regret it. Or didn't mean it. You know. That whole battlefield romance thing."

  Kevin gave a tiny chuff of a laugh. "To use 'romance' in its broadest terms. I believe the salient term is 'survival screw'." He said the words with distaste. Aidan watched his face go hard and distant. He shouldn't have said that. Was Kevin pissed?

  Then Kevin seemed to come back to the moment. Tentatively, he glanced up. "I- It wasn't that. Well, that may have lowered a few inhibitions, but…" After a moment's pause he sighed, smoothing his flaming hair with one hand.

  "Aidan? Can I be frank with you?"

  Aidan smiled weakly, his cheeks burning. "Yeah, of course."

  Kevin held his eyes for a long moment. "Well, to be frank, I'd rather like to… I believe I took advantage of the situation. I've been looking for an excuse to kiss you for a month, if I could ever work up the courage. Adrenaline did that for me, I suppose. So, I guess what I'm trying to articulate is this:" He drew a breath. "I'd like to give that kiss another go 'round. Interested?"

  Aidan felt the odd, thrilled, embarrassed smile curve his lips before he could stop it. Kevin wanted to kiss him. Still wanted to kiss him. The thought made his heart jump and his stomach knot. "Um. Please?"

  Kevin smiled softly. Leaning in, he traced the line of Aidan's jaw with two fingers, holding his eyes. Then, so carefully, he laid his lips over Aidan's.

  Aidan's eyes fluttered closed as Kevin's lips brushed his. It was the opposite of the kiss in the truck. This time, Kevin was hesitant, and the whisper-warm softness of the kiss made Aidan's stomach jump. He shifted closer on the tattered couch, springs groaning beneath him.

  "Is this okay?" Kevin asked softly against Aidan's skin, his fingers finding and twining with Aidan's.

  "Mmmm," Aidan agreed quietly without opening his eyes. His heart pounded in his throat, heat running through his body. It had been years since he'd been kissed, and never by someone who saw him as he was. Or at least seemed to. He didn't want it to end.

  Kevin's free hand trailed up to stroke Aidan's hair as he tipped his head, gently testing a deeper kiss. Holy shit. This was actually happening.

  "We probably shouldn't do this in the rec room," Kevin whispered when they came up for air. "Terribly bad form, and it tends to render one fodder for the gossip mill the next day. My room's open?" Drawing back, he gave Aidan a quick, sly grin.

  "If you like," he added with studied teasing in his voice, "Your orders, sir."

  Aidan's heart thundered in his chest. It took a long moment for the words to filter into his brain. Kevin's room. His breath caught. Kevin couldn't seriously be asking that. Could he? What if he wanted more than these awkward little kisses?

  Oh hell, what if Aidan himself wanted more? Would Kevin take his asking for anything as an order from a commander or a request from a partner?

  His chest started to tighten. He wanted to say yes, to continue letting Kevin kiss him and just see where things went. But should he?

  This was why they warned inexperienced commanders about dating subordinates, wasn't it? Things got complicated so damn f
ast.

  He licked his lips, feeling like his brain was on standby. "Don't- Don't call me 'sir.' Please. I'm not… If we're going to… I can't be your commander. Not like this."

  Gently, Kevin pulled back, studying Aidan's face. For a moment, Aidan saw something flicker in his eyes. Then the man hid whatever he'd been thinking behind a teasing smirk.

  "And here I thought I was being deliciously scandalous." He laid another soft kiss on Aidan's lips, almost chaste.

  "So, Aidan? My room or yours?"

  "Yours," Aidan breathed, his voice cracking a little. He'd said it. He'd agreed to let Kevin take him to a more private room. Good thing he'd offered his quarters. Kevin knew about him, but there was a difference between knowing and seeing the vials of testosterone, or the binder needing mending, or…

  No. Don't think about any of that now. That could come if things fell apart. For now, just focus.

  Kevin nodded, a quick motion. Then he stood, taking Aidan's hands in his as he did.

  "Shall we?" he asked, his thumb running over Aidan's knuckles.

  Aidan smiled sheepishly and nodded. Of course, when he tried to stand, his knee gave out and sent him tumbling back to the couch. He pulled his hand away with an embarrassed groan. "Shit. Uh, just give me a sec."

  Kevin bit back a laugh and knelt, holding out a helping hand. "You really did slam that knee in the junkyard. What did Damian have to say?"

  Aidan chuckled in embarrassment and forewent Kevin's offer of help as he carefully pulled himself back up. He couldn't believe he'd just gotten himself worked up enough to fall over. What was wrong with him?

  At least Kevin had given him a useful excuse. He wondered if Kevin knew that.

  "Said it's healing fine. Just shouldn't get up so fast."

  "I can sympathize. This shoulder's been an absolute bastard," Kevin remarked in reply. And then they were both standing, almost touching. Before the moment could stretch too far, Kevin reached for Aidan's hand.

  "Right then. My room."

  "Can you, uh…" Aidan swallowed. "Can you check the hall first? If people know we're… We don't need drama."

  Kevin glanced at him with another one of those studying looks. Then he moved to the doorway and glanced out. "Clear."

  "Sorry it's a bit of a jumble," Kevin remarked as he pushed his door open.

  The room was actually ridiculously neat. The only things out of place were a personal tab and two actual analog books on the bed, one spread wide to show the drawings inside.

  Kevin stepped to the bed and closed the books, setting them inside an upended plastic packing crate beside the bed that he'd rigged with slats into a sort of shelving unit. On the wall, his holo showed a vibrant watercolor of a city. People bustled, laughed, walked under tall trees set into the sidewalks. Glancing over his shoulder, Kevin caught Aidan looking at it.

  "That's what Denver looked like in 2014," he murmured, leaving his book collection to stand beside Aidan. In private, his smile was wider and more wistful.

  "Michael Hewitt. That was the artist's name."

  "It's beautiful," Aidan replied quietly, keeping his eyes on the flickering painting instead of looking at Kevin. It was a distraction from what they'd been doing, what they were possibly about to do. He was going to try something he hadn't dared since Sam, since the days before he'd accepted how uncomfortable he was in his own body.

  And if this didn't work…

  What would Kevin do if he undressed?

  Kevin had mentioned he'd only slept with men before. Was he going to freak out if he saw Aidan's breasts, or his too-wide hips, his miniscule dick? Could Aidan deal with it when he did?

  He wasn't sure. And now that he was in Kevin's immaculate room, standing so close, he could barely breathe.

  This had been a bad decision and he knew it. He should just turn around and leave, get used to being alone again.

  The painting changed to another watercolor, a vibrant painting of an outdoor mall in summer. Kevin glanced down, carefully touching Aidan's hand. "Can I show you something?" Glancing up, he gave a half-grin, shy again. "It's rather embarrassing."

  Aidan reluctantly tore his gaze away from the digital paintings and hoped he didn't look like a frightened rabbit. He cleared his throat a little.

  What was Kevin up to?

  "Um. Sure?"

  Kevin's smile gentled. Taking his hand again, he led Aidan to the bed and lifted out one of his analog books, holding it as if it were precious. It probably was. Those things were antiques.

  "Take a seat," he added, flopping on his belly down on the bed and opening the cover with delicate fingers. Inside, a man was singing against a backdrop of an exuberantly painted American flag. The words 'The Open Road' were blazoned across the image.

  Aidan sat on the edge of the bed, not quite touching Kevin. He sandwiched his hands between his knees as he looked at the image, a little taken aback by the fact that Kevin actually had analog books. He knew he shouldn't be surprised, given Kevin's personality and the fact that he was the requisitions officer, but it was still odd. Fancy antiques weren't exactly cheap. But he leaned in to study the pictures as Kevin flipped the pages.

  "Wow."

  "My dad got this for me when I was thirteen," Kevin's words were quiet. "It's the artistic record of a painter who traveled across the whole continent in 1987. There weren't any Sector checks at all back then. You could drive from one side of America to the other in under four days if you wanted. Just get in your car-back then they were all manuals-and go."

  He flipped the page to a scene of a city shining at the end of a long roadway, open and absolutely unfettered. The expression on his face softened into a fond yearning. "Imagine that."

  Aidan shook his head in amazing. It seemed impossible, a country without Corps Sector checks, with all-manual cars, with… hope.

  "Wish we could have seen that."

  "That's why I keep this. In here we can," Kevin murmured, flipping to another page. People were dancing, the woman up on stage was throwing her long hair around, and in the foreground a couple in ripped jeans were kissing. Kevin grinned, turning his head so that he and Aidan were nose to nose. "See? Historical proof that people besides myself like my music of choice. I've been vindicated."

  "Of all the things to hang onto, I still don't get keeping the music," Aidan muttered, allowing himself a teasing smirk. Music. Safe topic. Teasing. Don't think about how close they were to kissing again, or Kevin's hot breath on his skin, or the fact they were sitting on his bed.

  "You and everyone else," Kevin grumbled good naturedly, rolling his eyes. "But look at how happy it made them!"

  His eyes flicked to the couple in the painting, back up, grey and wide. "Happy and... adventurous?"

  Moving as if he might startle a frightened animal, he leaned in, brushing his lips over Aidan's cheek, then his lips. "What do you think?" he whispered, barely a hair's breadth of space between them.

  "About the painting?" Aidan asked breathlessly, his heart thudding again at the gentle touch of Kevin's lips. Damn it. This was a bad idea. He should have left already. He shouldn't let this go on.

  But he'd been craving this for months, he might as well admit that. How could he just run away from it, no matter how scared he was?

  "About being happy?" Kevin answered, parrying the question with another question. "Maybe tonight?" Softly, he raised a hand to trace Aidan's jaw line.

  Aidan swallowed hard, even as his face carefully tipped into Kevin's soft, warm touch. Kevin wanted him, despite everything? Did he really? Was this all going to go wrong?

  It had been so long since he'd had sex. He'd never done it as a man before.

  Could he really do it now?

  His body thrilled with the idea but his brain balked, making his stomach twist into uncomfortable knots. He caught a breath. "I… You- you know I'm… not really, um, your type."<
br />
  "Funny, I'd always thought I had a bent towards the sweet, scruffy boys. You seem to fit the bill." Gently, Kevin smoothed Aidan's hair out of his eyes, stroking it. "Especially when you forget to sit down and let Liza cut your hair," he added, chuckling.

  Aidan couldn't move. He wanted to, damn he wanted to. But he felt locked in place.

  When he didn't get a response, Kevin drew back a little. "Unless you think there'll be problems?" he added delicately. "If it helps, I've worked around issues before. Not this in particular, but I'm fairly resourceful. If you know what I mean."

  Aidan flushed and looked down, unable to meet Kevin's gaze. Kevin wanted him. Kevin liked him. So why the hell was he still so nervous?

  He tried to swallow the lump in his throat and shook his head.

  "No, I… Shouldn't be problems," he whispered to his hands. "Just… Haven't really… It's been a long time."

  Kevin drew back slightly, though his long fingers remained in Aidan's hair. "We don't have to jump right in, you know. We could take things one step at a time?" Gently, he traced his hand down Aidan's face, down his throat, stroking the skin. "If that's what you want, I'd be happy to just…?"

  Aidan sucked in a sharp breath and closed his eyes. The warm fingers set his skin on fire. He wanted more kisses, more touches, but he didn't know how to ask for them. Hell, he was still working on how to overcome the terror of taking his clothes off and risk rejection when Kevin saw his body.

  Heart pounding in his throat, he nodded weakly.

  Very carefully, Kevin set his book against the side of the bed with one hand. "Not to be crass, but…" Rolling up his sleeve, the redhead pressed the implant hidden under the skin of his bicep. The light gleamed a reassuring blue through his pale skin, the light of the safely distant replacement date on his STD protection implant glowing.

  Aidan returned the favor awkwardly, giving Kevin a chagrined smile. "Almost forgot about that. Glad you remembered."

  "Caution's my middle name," Kevin agreed. He caught Aidan's hand as he leaned back, pulling gently until they were both lying on their sides. He traced the line of Aidan's body with his own, gently nudging Aidan's legs until he could slip one of his between them and scissor the two of them together. Then his movements stilled.