The Hands We're Given

by O E Tearmann

  Aidan studied the map. "Okay, It's fifty miles from our base and not too close to anybody. Yeah. It should be safe. I have to get it approved, but, if you can build it and I get the OK, let's go for it. Let me know when I should start thinking about planning this."

  "Yeah." Tweak agreed with another, dismissive shrug. "We'll see."

  Aidan glanced at his tab. "I gotta go Tweak. Don't forget it's a day off tomorrow. You don't need to get any work done."

  "Doing Topher's thing," Tweak muttered into the works she was poking through.

  "Good to hear." Aidan replied, for want of anything better to say. He turned.

  "Hey. Boss."

  Aidan glanced over his shoulder. "Yeah?"

  Tweak was staring at him. "That req guy. You trust him?"

  "Kevin?"

  "Yeah."

  Something warm and gold curled in Aidan's belly. He had to stop himself smiling. "Yeah, I trust him. He's great at logistics and requisitions."

  "He's Corps." Tweak stated baldly.

  Aidan nodded. "Yeah, he was born Cavanaugh, but he's not the only Duster who was born Corps by a long-"

  "No, asshat." Tweak waved a hand, cutting him off, "I mean he's up there. High standing. Got the looks, got the talk. I know Standings. What the f-fuck is he doing out here?"

  Aidan studied her standing there, tiny, taunt and angry. What could he tell this girl? Tell her that, according to everything in Kevin's service record, he'd been an amazing logistics and requisitions guy for almost a decade, except for the disciplinary thing? Tell her taking her anger at the Corps out on somebody who was working beside her now because they'd been born above her was bull? That distrusting her basemates and lashing out at them would only hurt them all in the end?

  Was he picking sides because this was about Kevin?

  He rubbed the back of his neck. Finally, he sighed.

  "Somebody told me that none of us get to decide where we come from. We only get to decide where we're going. Message me if you need me, Tweak."

  Tweak's response was to turn away with a grunt.

  "I tried your line on Tweak today." Aidan remarked that evening as he fought his way out of his one good binder.

  "From your tone, I believe the result was good?" Omi asked as he pulled on his sweatshirt and flopped onto his bed.

  Closing his eyes, he nodded. "Yeah, I guess. I still don't know what to do with her some days."

  "Simply continue as you are. Based on my understanding, I believe she is progressing."

  "Hope so," Aidan muttered.

  "Your relationship also seems to be progressing with Kevin," the psychological health coach program said quietly.

  Aidan smiled softly. "Yeah."

  "Will you be spending your day off with him?" Omi asked.

  Aidan opened his eyes, sighed, closed them again. "Omi, I can't exactly do that. I'm trying not to be real obvious about this… thing."

  The hologram tipped her head, the hair failing to fall as it would have in reality. "Hiding this relationship will not be healthy for you, Aidan. It will raise your stress to dangerous levels over time."

  Aidan snorted. "Yeah, and the crew finding out won't?"

  "You have material proof that this base has no issues with homosexuality, Aidan," Omi reproved. "There is no reason to remain secretive."

  "Except for the whole thing that I'm a commander who's been dating a subordinate officer?" Aidan retorted acerbically.

  Omi's face didn't change. "Do you believe the personnel on this base would react badly?"

  Aidan sighed out his frustration. "I don't know. If I knew, would I be this worried?"

  Omi was silent for a few beats. Eventually, Aidan stood. Digging in his top drawer, he pulled out his engraving tools and a neat piece of wood he'd picked up. Plugging in his engraver, he set in a bit and started a design, following the contours of the wood with the jittering tip. The machine juddered in his fingers.

  He didn't envy Citizen Excellent Standing people their stuff, not really. He didn't even envy their money, though his life would be a whole hell of a lot easier if he had the money for his surgeries. But, sometimes, he desperately wished he could have gotten the gene therapies and in-vitro brain chemistry adjusting their kids had done. Rumor said it made them into pre-programmed Corporation drones with no conscience and no empathy. But just once it'd be nice to feel like the inside of his head was working right.

  His psych-coach program gave a digital imitation of clearing her throat. "I believe it would be very healthy for you to take personal time with him."

  Aidan grunted, keeping his eyes on his work. Sometimes he wished Omi wouldn't push so much. But that was what she was there for, after all. To push him when he needed it.

  "I- Yeah," he muttered eventually, blocking in new strokes. "I know. But sex. Omi, I don't really know what I'm doing. And my body's so fucked up, I-I want him to… I…"

  "Am I right in thinking that you very much want to please him and are concerned that you aren't able to do so long term?" the coach program offered gently.

  Aidan nodded, watching as the engraver carved new lines into the wood. Slowly, the design was coming clear.

  "Is your dysphoria causing additional issues between you?"

  Aidan nodded wordlessly, focusing minutely on the tiny hairs around the mane.

  "Tell me about that."

  Aidan bit his lip. "I don't know what he sees when he looks at me naked. I mean, he's so sweet, but if he's just… I don't know. Not pretending, but maybe dealing with it because he has to. I-I just don't know."

  "Have you tried discussing it with him?"

  Aidan turned off the engraver, staring at what he'd made. "Omi, we've had sex all of four times. If I keep coming up with shit to freak out about, why the hell would he want to keep coming back for more?"

  On the wood a horse raced, long and lean and graceful. Kevin had legs just like that.

  "Maybe because you will stop 'freaking out' once you have discussed it and are confident?" the program rejoined.

  Aidan sighed. He hated it when she made sense sometimes.

  "Yeah, I guess," he agreed finally. "I just hope I'm not going to screw any of this up."

  Omi smiled at him.

  "Based on the behavioral projections I have run, I believe that all personnel are improving and the situation has stabilized. Barring information I am not aware of, I do not foresee issues."

  Aidan's lips twisted. "Information you're not aware of. That's called life, Omi. Shit happens."

  "It does. And until it occurs, the projections are valid."

  Aidan let out a long breath, setting the new design on the dresser and putting his tools away. "Yeah. That'll be all tonight. Thanks Omi."

  "Good night, Aidan."

  The program flicked off.

  Aidan sighed, crossed to his bed and flopped onto it, staring at the ceiling until his eyes drifted closed.

  Event File 32

  File Tag: Leisure Time

  Timestamp: 9-11-2155/ 9-13-2155

  Harry Truman, Doris Day, Red China, Johnnie Ray

  South Pacific, Walter Winchell, Joe DiMaggio

  Kevin's foot tapped against the locker at the foot of his bed as he hummed under his breath, flopped on his belly.

  "It was always burning since the world's been turning." He hummed in time with the tune, text scrolling down his tab.

  Aidan stood awkwardly by the door for what felt like a year, watching Kevin with the music blaring. Kevin was so engrossed in the song that he hadn't heard his door open. He wasn't sure if he should interrupt or not. Did he have the right?

  Finally, he cleared his throat. "Uh, Kev?"

  Kevin jumped, his eyes wide and distant for a moment. Then he smiled. Tapping his tab, he turned down the music.

  "Hi. Um, business or pleasure? If it's pleasure, there's room on the bed. Grab a seat?
" He rolled onto his side to afford the man in the doorway more room, the song still underpinning the moment with mentions of the past.

  U-2, Syngman Rhee, payola and Kennedy

  Chubby Checker, Psycho, Belgians in the Congo!

  "Pleasure," Aidan replied with a shy smile. He crossed the space to the bed and sat uncertainly. "Thought maybe we could… I don't know, just, if you're not busy, hang out maybe?"

  Kevin smiled and put out his arm, gently urging Aidan to lie down beside him. Aidan let the strength in the other man's arm pull him down.

  "Let me just get this music and the research site closed down, and we can find a vid or something," Kevin replied beside him, "I just need to copy and download a few things. Otherwise, I have a nasty premonition that I'll lose them when I log out. This researcher seems to hedge their bets by never leaving anything interesting up for more than a week or so, and it's giving me hell."

  "What're you researching?" Aidan asked, watching images and blocks of text flick by.

  "The song that's playing, actually," Kevin replied. "Billy Joel's 'We Didn't Start The Fire'. I've heard it a few times and I love it, but I don't know what more than a quarter of the lyrics refer to and it's driving me nuts. Today, I was planning on giving myself a mental break by diving down a research rabbit hole and not coming out 'til I'd wrung all the in-jokes and period references out of the piece. Anyway, I'll be out of the tor in a second."

  Take your time.” Aidan shifted on the bed, propping his head on the crook of his elbow. He could wait for Kevin to finish with his tab. He just liked being in the same room, being able to watch his new partner. Which, as he thought it, sounded creepy as hell. But Kevin was so cute when he relaxed. It was impossible not to watch him.

  Kevin tapped at the tab for a few minutes, humming along to the end of the song. Then he caught Aidan watching him and gave a small, nervous smile, eyes darting from the screen to the man's face. "Sorry. I said I'd turn the music off, didn't I? I know this stuff is a little immature."

  "It's not bad when it's not at an ear-bleeding volume," Aidan chuckled. He hesitated a moment, then carefully reached over to brush bright red hair out of Kevin's face.

  Kevin glanced up, and his nervous smile grew a little wider. Tapping his screen to keep the music playing and keep him logged into his tab, he switched off the screen projection, set it to one side and leaned against Aidan, resting his head on Aidan's shoulder.

  "Not bad. That's practically a compliment."

  After a heartbeat, he tentatively kissed Aidan's throat.

  The next song began loose, breezy, and full of adventure; something about driving with the radio on under the sun.

  Aidan gasped in surprise as Kevin kissed him. Kevin nuzzled his throat. Finally getting the clue Kevin was trying to hand him, Aidan hesitantly slid one hand down Kevin’s cheek and throat, traced his shoulder, then brought it back up to gently tip Kevin’s chin. After a long moment of searching Kevin's face, he leaned in and kissed him ever so gently on the lips.

  Kevin smiled into the kiss, returning it as gently. For a few minutes they lay like that, exchanging soft kisses, until Kevin drew back with a smile.

  "Shall I… Should I get my glasses off?" he asked quietly.

  "Um. If you want to?" Aidan agreed uncertainly. They'd had sex four times now, but he was still never quite sure how to… well, start. And after that, he was never sure what Kevin wanted, since there was the little problem of anatomy to get around. He took a breath. Time to stop being such a chicken.

  "Maybe, um. Help me out of the binder first?"

  "I suppose I would need to see for that, true," Kevin propped himself up on an elbow, starting to ease Aidan's shirt up, but he paused when his eyes met Aidan's.

  "Aidan? It…" He swallowed. "It isn't always about what I want, you know. I actually don't prefer it to be me running the show a lot of the time. I like to be… Sometimes I…"

  As he spoke his high cheekbones reddened, and he glanced down. "That didn't come out quite right."

  Aidan swallowed and carefully sat up, tugging his shirt back down over his binder in embarrassment. "Kev, I- You know I…" He bit his lip, trying to figure out what he wanted to say, trying to apologize for his damn body again, trying to do anything to keep from losing this. Not yet. "If you don't want me in here I can go. I'm sorry…"

  Kevin sat up as if he'd been electrocuted. "No! Oh God, no. I'm not saying that I don't want you, I'm- God you'd think I could articulate a concept…" He drew a breath, "I don't want less. I'd really like… Well, more of you. More… I mean, I like-"

  "Like what?" Aidan asked, watching Kevin with his heart in his throat.

  Kevin ran a hand through his hair, eyes on the bed.

  "I…like being…topped," he managed, the words sounding like something he'd read and was trying to pronounce properly. "And when I can let my partner take control, it's-it's a chance for me to let go. Does that make any sense?" he asked, raising his head and searching Aidan's face. "Not always, but sometimes, if you could take the initiative?" He finished the question on a quavering note.

  Aidan sat staring into his partner's pleading eyes. Kevin was scared, too, wasn't he? And the guy wanted him to take initiative. How the hell was he supposed to do that? He wasn't comfortable with his own body, let alone letting someone else touch it. Not yet. He wasn't entirely certain what he liked yet, let alone how that lined up with what Kevin wanted. How was he supposed to take charge in bed? How was he supposed to top, when he had always been relegated to the passive role regardless of what he had wanted?

  He had to force the words he did find out of his mouth. "Kev, I-I d-don't know how."

  Kevin watched his face for a moment before he leaned in, hugging the other man gently. He brushed his lips over Aidan's.

  "I'll put it another way. Please touch me like you want me. Not like you're afraid of me."

  Aidan squeezed his eyes closed as Kevin kissed him. Touch Kevin like he wanted him? He did. So badly. Kevin was the first man he'd been with who was still interested once he knew exactly how fucked up Aidan was. Kevin was sweet, and hot as hell, and…

  And Aidan was terrified. Still. What the hell was he so afraid of? The base knowing? No, that wasn't it.

  Losing this? Hurting Kevin? Getting hurt?

  He swallowed hard, took a breath and forced his eyes open again. His hand trembled when he lifted it to try and cup Kevin's face. He dropped it again.

  "Shit, I'm a hot mess. Crap, I'm sorry. I'm trying. I want you. I do. I want this. Whatever we are. I'm just- I don't want to… do something you don't like. I mean. I know I'm not exactly your usual type-"

  Kevin caught his hand, held his eyes, then dipped his head to kiss Aidan's knuckles gently. "Neither of us is all that usual, and you may have noticed that I'm not exactly good at this either," he added with a grim twist of the lips. "But we can make it work, can't we?"

  In the nervous breaths of silence between question and answer, the song seemed loud.

  Workin' on a mystery, goin' wherever it leads...

  Aidan swallowed hard again and looked down at Kevin's hand holding his. Kevin wanted to make this work. They could make this work. It had only been two weeks. "Yeah, I think so. I-I hope so. I like you, Kev. I do. A lot."

  "Feeling's mutual," Kevin murmured, glancing up with eyes like spring storm clouds. "I guess, I didn't want to say anything because I didn't want to… Well, you know." He shrugged. "Scare you off, I guess. So, if I ask for what I'd like, I don't want you to think… I mean, is it all right if I…"

  He swallowed, shaking his head. "Dear Lord, I sound like a high schooler don't I?"

  Aidan smiled weakly despite himself. After a heartbeat of hesitation, he leaned in and kissed Kevin again. "We both do. But I-I'll try. If you ask. I just can't promise I'll be any good at it." He glanced up, watching Kevin work hard on a smile before he spoke.
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  "No one's good at sex, Aidan. I'm fairly sure it's God's way of making sure that, on a regular basis, every human being looks like an egregious dumbass."

  "Because I need another way to do that," Aidan chuckled weakly. He took a breath and hesitantly moved Kevin's hand back to the hem of his shirt. "I guess... let's start with that?"

  Kevin's smile softened. "Good place to start." he murmured, working Aidan's shirt up with one hand and gently stroking his back with the other.

  Aidan lifted his arms up to let Kevin pull his shirt up, leaving him in the old black mesh chest binder like a faded undershirt, ragged around the bottom hem. Aidan winced. Damn this thing was ugly. If he thought about it he would have worn his nice one or patched that hole in the hem before this. Or really tried to get a new one. But they were hard to get a hold of nowadays, even on the black market.

  With his shirt off, he took another breath and leaned forward, carefully sliding his hands under Kevin's shirt. Kevin let his bedmate push his shirt up his body, over his head, then leaned in to press their bodies together. His fingers picked at the binder as they kissed.

  "Want this off?" he murmured against the soft flesh of Aidan's throat.

  "Don't get me stuck like Monday," Aidan muttered in agreement with a small smile. His hands gently ran over Kevin's shoulders, down his back, caressing the hot, soft skin.

  "I'll try, but this thing has a mind of its own," Kevin remarked dryly, beginning the careful process of folding the compressing binder up as Aidan stroked his skin. Aidan's hands ran down his chest, down the planes of his torso. Aidan smiled as he heard Kevin's breathing pick up speed. With an impatient grunt, Kevin gave the binder a hard tug. The folds tightened on each other in the area of Aidan's armpits.

  Kevin gave a strangled little groan. "Um, Aidan, give me a second."

  Aidan winced as the binder rolled up and pinched under his arms. Maybe he shouldn't have been so distracting. Now he was caught half-in the damn mesh, his stupid breasts exposed, and Kevin was getting flustered. Why did this always happen? He pulled his hands away and sighed, trying not to squirm or roll his shoulders as he held his arms up over his head to make it a little easier to get the binder off.