The Hands We're Given

by O E Tearmann

  For a moment Kevin bit his lip, frozen. His eyes were frightened when he looked at Aidan's face. Aidan hated that look. This sucked, but frightening Kevin was worse.

  "Maybe this stuff is smart-weave," Aidan managed with a crooked, broken grin. "It's smarter than both of us anyway."

  Kevin began to chuckle, then to laugh, shaking his head. The laughter seemed to relax him enough to work his fingers under the compression fabric, slowly work it free, and finally throw it into the corner before hugging Aidan to him.

  "Sorry. I was afraid of making it worse. I'm really awful with that damn thing, aren't I?"

  Despite the soreness of the mesh scraping against his skin, Aidan hugged him in return as he chuckled. "Yeah. If it makes you feel better, though, it took me months to figure it out on my own and I'm the one wearing it."

  "I'll get better," Kevin murmured, tracing the line of Aidan's back with his fingers. "And I'll find you a few that are easier to get out of." Pulling away gently, he got around to the comparatively easy task of unbuttoning his own pants.

  "Hey," Aidan muttered, catching Kevin's hands. Goosebumps skittered along his skin. He smiled weakly when Kevin looked up.

  "I thought you wanted me to take initiative?"

  Kevin grinned, his hands and body relaxing. He let his hands fall away, open and undemanding. "Be my guest."

  Aidan smiled and leaned forward to kiss Kevin gently, his hand running down Kevin's chest until his fingers stopped on a nipple. Gently, hesitantly, he rolled said nipple between his fingertips.

  Kevin drew in a sharp breath, his lips quirking up at the corners. "Glasses?" he murmured, eyes closed.

  "Glasses," Aidan agreed. He reluctantly pulled his hand away to gently remove Kevin's glasses and set them aside on the upturned box Kevin used for a nightstand.

  Kevin kept his eyes closed, giving a surprised gasp when Aidan's fingers returned to their teasing. Aidan watched as all the usual stiff tension easing away. Kevin ran his hands along Aidan's thighs.

  Aidan smiled softly as Kevin relaxed under his hands, Kevin's face growing peaceful. So damn handsome. He kissed Kevin again as his hands hesitantly trailed lower, ghosting over Kevin's pants buttons.

  "Aidan?" The word came out a whisper. Kevin swallowed hard.

  "When you get to it… When you're touching me, could you put your fingers inside me? I- Please?"

  Aidan paused when Kevin breathed his name. He swallowed at the request. How wonderful would it be to be able to put more than his fingers inside Kevin?

  No. He couldn't think like that. That'd kill the mood. He took a breath and forced his hands to move again, gliding back up. "Um. I- Is the lube where you put it last time?"

  "Head of the bed, between the mattress and the wall," Kevin murmured in agreement.

  Aidan tried not to worry, not to let himself think too much. Get the pants off first.

  He worked the long, slender legs loose of tan fabric. This was what Kevin wanted. He'd asked for it. Aidan had read all about this in the stuff he had scrounged on the GreyNet and ZonCom's only-closed-to-idiots sites. He knew what to do, didn't he? And it didn't matter that he couldn't actually take Kevin like he wanted to. Did it? He shoved the thought aside and tentatively pulled Kevin's boxers down. His sore breasts pressed against Kevin's back and he winced.

  Kevin twisted to make extricating him from his boxers easier, squinting to see Aidan's face. "You all right?" he asked, but Aidan stopped that conversation in the best possible way by running his hand over Kevin's hardening dick. The way Kevin sucked in a breath was a thrill.

  "Fine," Aidan murmured, stroking Kevin reverentially with one hand as the other groped for the lube. Finding it, he pressed his body against Kevin's back, holding him.

  Eyes closed, Kevin leaned back into him, bare skin rubbing across the fabric of Aidan's pants. Kevin turned his head to catch Aidan's lips. He traced his hand up Aidan's throat as they kissed, along his jaw and into his hair.

  Aidan stroked him for a long time as he ran through all the underground articles he'd read about gay sex. Okay. He knew what to do. He could do this.

  He stroked Kevin's balls and Kevin whimpered. Aidan smiled. Yeah. He could do this.

  Aidan's breath came fast as he pulled his hand away from Kevin's erection to carefully dab lube into his palms. God, he wished he could spread the lube on his own dick and press forward. But even after the years on testosterone he was still too small, positioned too low. So he just rolled the lube around his fingers and returned one hand to gently stroking Kevin's erection. The other he slid down his boyfriend's back, hesitantly dipping between his buttocks.

  Kevin's back arched as Aidan's nervous fingers teased at his opening, exploring. "Oh yes," he whispered. "Aidan. Yes."

  Aidan bit his lip as his breath caught. The sound of that whisper. Kevin wanted this. He sounded so deliciously desperate. Aidan didn't know how he could possibly make someone so aroused, but he wouldn't complain. Very gently, he pressed one finger in. Of course the concentration made his other hand slow on Kevin's erection.

  Kevin groaned softly in dismay, pressed himself back against Aidan, turning his head to bury his face in Aidan's neck. He gulped for enough air to speak. "Two, two fingers Aidan. And… stroke upwards. And, please, god, don't stop."

  Aidan's breath caught at Kevin's pleading. He closed his eyes and carefully pressed another finger in, crooking them to try to do as Kevin had asked. Hesitantly, awkwardly, he pressed his hips against Kevin's thigh, his own erection craving. He used his other hand to work Kevin's dick, faster now. Kevin was shivering in his arms, his hips bucking a little. Aidan pressed his fingers in a little harder, moved his hand faster.

  Kevin cried Aidan's name against his neck as his seed spilled across Aidan's palm. God, the sound of his own name cried like that, like some kind of prayer, and the man in his arms shaking with release. Nothing could ever match this.

  Aidan stared down in amazement at the gorgeous body in his arms as he gently relaxed his hands. He'd really made this man happy.

  Then Kevin turned in his arms and enveloped Aidan in a ferocious hug.

  "Thank you," he whispered, the words fervent.

  Aidan gasped as Kevin ran his hand along his throat, skipped his chest, ran fingers over Aidan's belly and down, fumbling as he undid Aidan's pants and kissed him hard.

  Then Kevin was getting to his feet, a little wobbly, and pulling Aidan's pants off. He left Aidan in his underwear as he grabbed a few wipes from his bedside and leaned in for another long kiss and a quick wiping down of Aidan's hands. Then, slowly, he kissed Aidan's navel and began to peel back his boxers.

  "Tell me what you want." Kevin whispered.

  Aidan blushed at the request and bit his lip, nodding weakly against the pillow. "Just keep going?"

  "As ordered, sir," Kevin agreed with a hint of laughter in his ragged whisper, his fingers working faster.

  Aidan chuckled breathlessly as his boxers were pulled off, his packer was laid to one side and Kevin's long body traced his again. One of Kevin's hands traced his navel and down to tease his erection, the fingers of the other twined in Aidan's hair.

  "Tell me if this is right."

  "Mm," Aidan managed, hips pressing into Kevin's hand. His hand gripped Kevin's shoulder as his breath came faster, the pleasure in his gut spiraling up and up and up.

  Kevin kissed him hard and stroked him harder as he felt his body start to shudder and twitch. Kevin sucked the skin over Aidan's collar bone and his body tipped over into orgasm. He heard himself whimper, felt his body buck as pleasure sizzled through once, twice, three times.

  Kevin kissed his throat gently as Aidan caught his breath.

  "How was that?" Aidan breathed shakily as he spiraled back down to reality, curling against Kevin's warmth and trying to catch his breath. "On the taking charge?"

  "Better by far." Ke
vin murmured, holding him close. He nuzzled his face down into Aidan's hair, kissing the top of his head. His fingers wandered lazily over Aidan's body. Aidan felt the touch run over the scars on his calves left from the days when he'd gotten his relief by cutting himself.

  "What happened here?"

  "Got caught in some barbed wire when I was a kid," Aidan muttered. "I tried to fight the stuff and it made things worse."

  Kevin gave a soft murmur of commiseration, before falling into a contented silence.

  "Kev?" Aidan breathed a long time later. He didn't want to ask the question, but it had been bugging him for days. Omi had told him to get it over with, and she was usually right.

  "Mm?" Kevin asked inquiringly, raising his head.

  Aidan took a deep breath and kept his eyes closed, unable to look at Kevin's face. "I- You-you still, um… see me as a man, right? With the binder off and everything?"

  The silence seemed to last forever. Aidan's gut twisted in on itself. Kevin pulled away.

  "Aidan? Look at me. Please."

  Aidan hated himself in that second. Why the fuck had he opened his mouth and ruined this perfect thing?

  He didn't want to open his eyes and see Kevin's expression. But he did it.

  Kevin sat with his head tipped to one side, a tender smile on his lips.

  "Aidan, I see you." He drew a slow breath. "I-I see the man in my bed. I see a man who cares." He shrugged a little, a sour smile flashing across his face.

  "And if you're telling yourself you're a freak, join the club. I know there are issues, but…" He shrugged again, smiling. "I enjoy a good logistical challenge, why do you think I'm in my position?"

  Aidan searched Kevin's face. Earnest, hopeful grey eyes squinted back. Little by little, the fear that had been building in Aidan's gut loosened and began to melt. Omi had been right. Kevin had done nothing but call him a man, treat him as one. Why had he been so afraid? He took a breath and smiled weakly.

  "At least I'm entertaining."

  "Very amusing indeed." Kevin agreed softly, leaning in for a kiss. Then he cringed as a song came blaring out of his tab speaker.

  'Oh Mickey you're so fine!' the singer enthusiastically announced at the top of her lungs. Kevin scrabbled with one hand to shut the thing off.

  "Dear God, I thought I deleted that stupid…"

  When silence fell, he shook his head, grinning sheepishly. "And you're probably the only fellow who wouldn't break up with me after that came out of my player."

  "I've come to accept that I'm dating a man with awful music taste," Aidan rejoined with a small chuckle. "Small price to pay."

  Kevin pressed a hand to his heart, affecting a stage gasp. "Awful? I'm crushed! He speaks poniards and every word stabs!"

  Aidan laughed despite himself at Kevin's ridiculous act. It was a relief after the tension of making himself ask the question. He reached for Kevin's hand and squeezed, smiling. "You brought it on yourself, you know."

  Kevin sighed, raising his eyes to the ceiling. "I always do. The bane of my existence."

  Reaching into the box he used as a nightstand, he grabbed the wipes and cleaned his own hands, leaning against Aidan as he worked.

  Aidan blushed a little as he watched Kevin work. He should have done that like Kevin did for him. Damn. "Kev? Um. Thank you."

  Kevin glanced up, smiling slightly. "Any time."

  Two days later, Aidan found a battered box leaning against the door of his room. On it, Kevin's neat script spelled out his name and rank, as well as a heavily underlined postscript enclosed in a thick black rectangle

  Commander Headly

  No box swapping. I mean it. Requisitions will deliver everyone else's clothing requests next week.

  Wait your turn. This means you, Lazarus

  -Requisitions

  Aidan's eyebrows rose as he read, but he carefully manhandled it into his room, pulling out his pocket knife to slit it open.

  As he pulled out the first of three black mesh shirts, his breath caught. Binders. In perfect condition. How the hell had Kevin found not one, but three new chest binders in perfect condition? After a moment of marveling, he tossed the binder back in the box and shot out of his room, running for Kevin's office.

  Kevin was glaring at a line of code when Aidan got to the doorway. He was on his feet and grabbing for his gun belt the minute he saw the other man.

  "What's up?" he asked sharply, hands automatically strapping on his belt. "Do we need to move?"

  Aidan stared at him for a moment before laughing breathlessly and shaking his head. "No, sorry. Didn't mean to freak you. Just… My package. How the hell did you do it?"

  Kevin's tense shoulders relaxed, and he smiled quietly, giving a little shrug. "I did a little digging, traded a few favors before last week's run hit the windmill. Was the size all right?"

  "No one makes them anymore," Aidan protested, still in shock.

  "There are a few makers yet, actually. Mostly in the retro theatrical groups," Kevin demurred, leaning against the wall. Tipping his head, he looked at Aidan over the rims of his glasses, a teasing smile playing about his lips.

  "You know, this is a purely selfish move on my part. I simply refuse to be made a fool of by a piece of clothing again."

  Aidan gave a small, breathless laugh. "Sorry. Yeah, um. Haven't tried them on yet. You know new ones are even harder to get on and off, right?"

  "You didn't look very closely, did you?" Kevin asked with a spark in his grey eyes. "There's a recessed zipper along the side."

  The smile on Kevin's face was irresistible, and Aidan felt himself grinning in return as Kevin shrugged.

  "Like I keep telling you, logistical puzzles are my forte. You'd be surprised at what I can get my hands on."

  "I'm so damn lucky," Aidan muttered. Stepping forward, he kissed Kevin hard. He couldn't help it. This man not only accepted him as he was and listened to him when things really mattered, but had gone out of his way to find new binders to help him be more comfortable in his own skin.

  Lucky didn't even begin to cover it.

  Kevin put an arm around him and, gently, kicked his office door closed.

  Event File 33

  File Tag: Official Reprimand

  Timestamp: 06:30-9-12-2155

  Aidan jolted awake and scrambled to grab his tab as it buzzed, heart in his throat. Had the slick tarps malfunctioned again? Beside him in bed, Kevin sat up with a gasp.

  "What's-"

  "Just my tab. Go back to sleep." Aidan whispered, staring at the words on the screen.

  Message incoming. Sector Quartermaster

  The words scrolled in flashing red and black.

  Message incoming. Sector Quartermaster. Message incoming.

  Aidan sucked in a breath and jabbed at the message alert, turning the screen so that the viewer couldn't see Kevin.

  A sector message. God help him.

  Instead of text, a face that seemed to consist mostly of bloodshot eyes set in StayWake induced bags glared up at him. "Base Commander Headly? I want a- God damn it, you're still in bed? No wonder that base is going down the drain."

  The man sighed in disgust. "What the hell is your base trying to do, bankrupt us? Don't answer that. Get your ass out of bed and call me. I don't have time to wait for you to wake up and pay attention. Wake up, get to duty and call me. Stat." The tab's screen flicked off as the call ended.

  Aidan blinked at the tab for a moment. "The hell was that?"

  "That, my dear Aidan, was Sector Quartermaster Shultz, affectionately known as Shitbag Shultz," Kevin remarked, stretching languidly. "And I know this because he's my division superior for the Sector, and he and I have had more words than some litigators. He's probably circumventing me to yell at you about all the supplies we've been getting for the new Synth experiments and Tweak's endless requirements. I'd recommend giving him a lesson in pat
ience," he added, flopping an arm around Aidan again. The wall screen cast a soft golden glow that caught in his hair.

  Aidan was tempted. It'd be great to lie back down in Kevin's arms. But he gently disentangled himself with a smile. "If you're already on his shit list, I better give him a reason to like our base. What's wrong with him?" He glanced around as he spoke. "And can I borrow your razor?"

  "Feel free. As for Shultz, he's an esurient, malapert windbag with a penchant for flogging a dead horse of a lecture far and away beyond the pale."

  Aidan glanced over his shoulder, smiling despite himself. What sort of apps did Cavanaugh schools use to train their kids anyway? The words Kevin came out with sounded more like short poems than conversation sometimes. They sounded nice, but damn they were weird.

  "Can I get that in English?" he asked, and Kevin chuckled as he slid his glasses on.

  "He's a rude, up-on-himself bastard who loves to get a subordinate in front of him and shout their ears off. You were warned."

  "I guess so. Thanks," Aidan muttered. What a way to start a morning.

  He washed his face, shaved, dressed as quickly as he could, then stepped to the door, where his partner was already waiting for him. Kevin kissed him softly and cracked the door, glancing out.

  "Clear."

  "Thanks," Aidan murmured as he slipped out.

  He hurried down the corridor toward his office, hoping like hell someone had an explanation for him. Liza turned in her chair with wary eyes, already there ahead of him. She usually was.

  "Sector's frothing at the mouth, sir. I was about to call you. They won't talk to me. Won't say why, but the Quartermaster's called twice, and he sounds pissed."

  "Yeah, he got my tab," Aidan sighed, sliding the offending piece of tech onto his desk. "No clue what he's angry about, though. You got anything more before I put my ass on the line?"