by A. E. Murphy
“Yes.” My chest tingles and my stomach heaves.
“Is this an ultimatum?” I breathe, not believing my ears or eyes. My tears spill over, I can’t control them. He doesn’t respond. “Caleb, please don’t do this.”
He freezes, his hands gripping the open case that lays on the bed.
“Please,” I sob and grab his arm. “Please Caleb. Don’t make me go through this alone.”
“Keep it.” He demands, his body still tense.
“Why can’t you just wait?” I half shout half sob. “Why can’t you just fucking wait?”
“You’re murdering my child.”
I jerk away from him, his words burned on my brain. “Don’t see it that way. Please.”
“How can I see it any other way?”
No. He can’t do this. He can’t.
But he is.
I watch him pack up his bags, his face set and his steps sure. He leaves, taking the car and all night he doesn’t come back.
******
I sit in the doctor’s office and explain my situation, relieved when she understands. She gives me a test just to be sure, when it comes out positive she books me an appointment at the clinic. I have two choices of termination, one where they put me to sleep and get it all out, or one where they give me a tablet and I sit for six hours waiting for it to leave my body.
I opt for option one.
My appointment is in four weeks. They give you a gap to change your mind. The gap is too long, I want it done now.
In class Sasha notices that something is wrong but I don’t tell her. I don’t tell anyone. Right now I can’t. Nobody needs to know about this. Nobody.
Even I don’t want to know about it.
When I make it home I curl up in bed and cry. He’s not home. Why isn’t he home?
Can I honestly do this to him? Can I honestly look him in the eye and tell him I’m going to murder his child? Because that’s what it is. I’m giving him no choice and it’s half of him.
I roll onto my back and close my eyes, letting my woes sink into me like an anchor into the sea. My hand rests on my flat belly, I try to imagine what it would be like, what life would be like to be pregnant. To carry Caleb’s baby in my stomach for nine months, to bring him or her into the world.
What would he or she look like?
Would they have his hair? His eyes?
I let out a long breath coupled with a sob and turn back on my side. Curling into the foetal position I weep. My sorrows and sadness too heavy. My conscience too plagued with indecision.
“I can’t do it,” I say out loud to nobody. I can’t do it.
Who am I kidding? There’s no way I can kill it. No way.
But if I don’t my university experience will be ruined. No more drinking, not that I drink much anyway, no more just going out to the cinema or to a club. I’ll be studying my arse off and then coming home to diapers poop and vomit.
One of us will have to quit school because there’s no way we’ll be able to afford childcare. Maybe there’s something to help students in this situation.
I’m lost so deeply in my thoughts I don’t hear the door open, so when someone touches my shoulder and the bed dips, I scream bloody murder and fall from the bed.
“Christ,” he’s laughing. Laughing? How can he laugh right now? What an arsehole. “Are you okay?
Oh my god. Caleb’s here, “I’m fine.” I climb back onto the bed, nursing my wounded pride. “You’re here.”
His laughter stops and his smile vanishes, “Yeah. I should never have left, I hate it when you cry. It breaks my heart. I’m so sorry.” His arms close around me and soon I’m on his lap. His heat sinking into me through his warm embrace.
I welcome it.
“Forgive me?” he whispers and kisses my neck. I bury my face in his chest, relieved that he’s here. “I should have handled that better. It’s just…” He sighs long and heavy.
“What?”
“Do you ever feel like it doesn’t matter what we do or who we are, we never really leave anything behind?”
And again, “What?”
He pulls back and rests against the headboard after propping the pillows up behind him. “Kids are our only legacy.”
“I don’t know what you mean.”
He rubs his face with his hands and pulls me to his chest, “I mean, I want a child with you. This child, right now. Sure the timing isn’t great but it’s a situation we’ll deal with together.” Warm hands grip mine and his eyes implore me to see his side of things. “Please Gwenny. Don’t destroy it.”
“Okay,” I sigh and my head falls forward. “If this is what you want then okay. We’ll do this.”
He beams and pulls me to him. “Thanks Gwenny. Honestly, it’ll be great.”
I press my lips to his and murmur against them, “I believe you.”
Something flashes in his eyes, something that makes me uneasy. I can’t be certain what it is I just know I won’t forget it.
“Thank you,” he whispers and presses his lips to mine. “I love you.”
“Me too.”
“Hey,” he gives me a squeeze and frowns. “If you’re going to say it make sure you say it properly.”
Eye roll. “I love you too.”
He releases me and climbs from the bed, “I’m going to make you some tea and whatever else you want.”
“Okay,” I smile sweetly at him and watch him leave the room with a heavy heart.
He reappears seconds later, “I almost forgot.” Crawling onto the bed, he lifts my shirt over my naval and kisses just above the waistband of my trousers. “Love you baby Weston.” Oh god. I just melted.
“I’m sure he loves you too.”
He kisses my naval once more, covers me up and rushes down the stairs.
I definitely just melted.
Chapter Five
“You’re six weeks and three days.” She puts a circle around the foetus so we can see it clearer. “This flicker is its heartbeat, this will be his head eventually.” I stare mesmerised at the screen.
I hear a choke next to me and turn my head towards Caleb.
“Are you crying?” I ask him, my lips twitching.
“No,” he pouts, his hand holding tight to mine and his eyes on the screen.
The room is dark, only lit by the black and green glow of the screen. The dim shine catches a tear trail on his cheek, I wipe at it with my thumb and my smile widens.
“Soppy.”
“I’m not crying,” he protests with a smile. “I have something in my eye.”
“Both of them?” The scan lady remarks and I burst into a fit of giggles.
Caleb leans forward and presses his lips against mine, “Love you Gwenny.”
“Love you too,” I whisper back and deepen the kiss for a moment.
“I’ll just print off some pictures,” the woman says, giving us some privacy.
I look into the eyes of my fiancé and run my fingers through his longish hair. “Are you sure about this Caleb?”
A panicked gaze comes to mine, “Aren’t you?”
“I am, that’s why I’m asking you, because if you back out now I’ll be on my own.”
His shoulders sag, his thumb strokes my cheek as his beautiful brown eyes meet mine, “I’ll never leave you on your own Gwenny. Never. I want this more than you know.”
What’s that supposed to mean? Why do I feel like something isn’t right about this? Of course I’m happy, what expectant mother isn’t when she finally wraps her head around it? It’s just… I can’t help but feel like Caleb is hiding something.
I’m probably being stupid. Maybe it’s my extra hormones making me read into something that isn’t there.
“Your mum is going to kill me,” Caleb says, piercing my erratic thoughts and making them pop into a million more.
“Oh shit.” I never even thought of that. “We just won’t tell her until I start to show.”
“I’m sure she’ll get over it,” I can t
ell he doesn’t even believe his own words any more than I do.
My mum, though I love her, has always provided me with what I need but I’ve never been more than an inconvenience to her. When she finds out about this she’ll never talk to me again. Part of me doesn’t care. The child in me still wishes for her approval and is still eager to make her proud.
“You’ve got me,” Caleb’s reassuring words do just that. He’s right, I have got him and my friends. They are all I need.
“Forever,” I murmur, my eyes on my sparkly ring.
“For all of eternity,” his lips slant over mine but quickly pull back when the woman walks back in with our scan pictures.
When we get home Caleb frames it and puts it on the wall in the hallway, “This will be our timeline. Our wedding photo will be in the middle. Tomorrow I’m going to put our first ever picture right here.”
“You’re such a romantic,” I laugh and kiss his stubble. “I’ll put dinner on.”
“Brilliant, chicken wraps?”
I nod and walk away, my hand pressed against my belly.
“Hey, almost forgot,” I’m spun in a second and Caleb is down on his knees, pulling my top over my midriff. He presses his hands on my naval and then kisses in between them. “Love you baby Weston.”
I just melted again. He has that effect on me.
******
I cling to the seat, my forehead on my arms. Caleb ties my hair back from my face and rubs slow circles on my back. “Finished?”
Hurl.
“I guess not,” he says around a yawn and wipes my forehead and then my mouth with a cool cloth. That feels nice. “Poor baby.”
“I hate this. You’ve done this,” I joke and sit back on the cool tiled floor. “Ugh. If I’m never sick again it’ll be too soon.”
“It’s a good sign, he’s growing well.” Caleb is insistent that it’s a boy. He really, really wants a boy but he’ll be happy still if we get a girl. “Caleb Weston,” he says with his hand on my tum. Has a nice ring to it.”
I laugh and slap his arm before climbing to my feet, “That’s your name.”
“Exactly,” his arms snake around my waist as I quickly brush my teeth, eager to get the putrid taste of vomit from my mouth and rid my teeth of that gritty feeling. “Fourteen weeks and three days. Can we start telling people now?”
“Don’t give me that,” I say, my mouth full of minty foam. Spit. “I know you’ve told everyone already. Even Sasha knows though she’s pretending she doesn’t.”
He has the decency to look ashamed, “I couldn’t help it.”
“You’re incorrigible,” I snort and rinse out my mouth, squirming when Caleb’s hand cups my sex through my pyjama shorts. Shiver. “Right now? Really? My stomach is still doing somersaults.”
“Let me take your mind off it,” he breathes against my neck and pushes his hardened length against my arse cheek.
A banging sounds at the door downstairs, both of our heads whip around. “Who’s that? It’s like,” I check my watch. “Six fifteen.”
“No idea, sounds urgent,” Caleb says and releases me. “Stay here.”
I nod and follow him into the room and then the hall. I wait at the top of the stairs and listen as Caleb opens the door.
I don’t recognize the male voice that starts speaking over Caleb’s but I soon know who it is when Caleb asks him, “What do you want Nathan?”
“I can’t let you do this,” Nathan responds, his voice deep and low. Do what?
I descend the stairs, my curiosity increasing tenfold with every step when their voices become hushed. Did Caleb just say, “I love her, I swear?” Because I can’t be certain.
When I make it to the last step two sets of matching eyes come to me. Nathan is a couple of inches taller than Caleb and although they look alike, Nathan’s face is much sharper than Caleb’s and there isn’t a hint of stubble. He’s wearing a suit, he looks good but why’s he wearing a suit at ten at night? And gloves. What’s up with the black leather gloves? It’s warm out.
His eyes scan my body, a dark look on his face. My hand goes to my belly almost protectively.
“I told you to stay upstairs,” Caleb hisses with a frown.
“I’m Gwen,” I say to Nathan and hold out my hand. “It’s nice to meet you.”
Nathan looks at my hand for a few seconds before turning back to his brother. “Are you crazy?”
“At least say hello to my pregnant fiancée, Nathan. Where’re your manners?” Caleb bites out through clenched teeth. Why did he say pregnant like that?
Nathan looks at me again but his eyes are focused on my stomach, “I can’t believe you.”
“Nathan,” Caleb warns, his hands raised and his eyes wide. Nathan’s scowl is scary, even I’m shrinking fast. “Please.” Nathan seems to think about whatever the hell they’re talking about for a moment. His eyes narrow so I’m guessing the conclusion he’s drawn isn’t a good one.
It happens so fast, too fast, Nathan’s fist strikes out and connects with Caleb’s cheekbone. Caleb flies backwards, tripping on a shoe before falling to his arse. My hand goes to my mouth in shock.
“You’ll do well to get rid of that before it’s too late,” Nathan says pointing at my stomach. I watch him whip his glove off and start squirting some kind of sterilising fluid onto his hand. He turns and leaves, still rubbing the lotion around his fingers with his gloved hand. That’s weird. What an arsehole.
“Are you okay?” I ignore Nathan’s comment, as much as I want to scratch his eyes out right now Caleb needs me.
He rolls his jaw and touches his cheekbone with a finger, we both wince. I can already see it swelling and have no doubts it’s painful to touch. “I’ll get some ice and you’re going to tell me what the hell just happened.”
“My brother’s a dickhead, that’s what just happened,” he snaps and pulls his arm free of my hands before stomping into the kitchen. “Fuck, he’s got a good right hook.”
I stand in the doorway and watch him grab a bag of frozen peas from the freezer before wrapping them in a tea towel and placing them on his face. “Is that all you’re going to say on the matter then?”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” he sighs and rests his head back. “I’m sorry you had to see that.”
“Me too. Especially since I don’t know what I’ve seen exactly.”
He shakes his head, “He’s pissed that I left him to deal with our parents and even more pissed that I got someone pregnant before marriage. My brother is weird.”
“So why’d you tell him I’m pregnant?”
Caleb shrugs, “Seemed like a good idea at the time.”
“He told me to get rid of the baby, that doesn’t seem like normal behaviour.”
He laughs coldly, I’ve never heard such a laugh from him before. It’s kind of scary. “My brother isn’t normal. Stay away from him, Gwen. Okay?”
I nod not wanting to argue over something I’m in completely agreement with. There’s no way in hell I’ll be going near him again. “Maybe you should report it.”
“No, he’s my brother, he punched me and he left. It’s done.” Caleb says and now he looks sad.
I slide onto his lap and wrap my arms around his neck, “I’m sorry, Caleb.”
Kissing his mouth gently, I press my body against his, wanting to absorb his pain.
“I love you, Gwenny. Don’t ever,” he pulls back and looks me in the eyes. “Forget that. No matter what. Okay?”
I frown on a nod, “What’s gotten into you lately? You seem on edge and you’re always coming out with weird things that you wouldn’t normally say.”
He shrugs, “It’s probably the excitement of becoming a dad. Sorry if I’ve seemed...” Now he’s smiling. “Weird? Is that the right word?”
“You’re always weird, maybe it’s because for once you’ve actually been acting normal.”
“Cheeky,” he chuckles and forces me to straddle his lap on the high stool. “Let me take you to bed and r
emind you how weird I am.”
“I don’t think I need reminding but I’ll gladly play along and pretend I do.”
******
Two weeks go by and I’ve finally told my boss I’m pregnant now I’m starting to get a bump, not long after showing up for work late due to Caleb being ill. His migraine has him stuck in bed, his face under the covers. I feel bad for him and want to stay at home to look after him but I can’t. We need all of the money we can get.
My boss, Derrick of Chicago’s is really understanding thankfully. He even gives me a hug and congratulates me which shocks me.
Work is boring and I’m sick of everyone asking me where Caleb is. He’s at home! Obviously. Why is it anyone’s business? If it was me that was off they wouldn’t be panicking, they’d be trying it on with my fiancée. I know this because Sasha comes in with a group of girls every Wednesday, I don’t work Wednesday nights. She tells me about the group of women who constantly surround him but he brushes them off as much as he can.
You’d think the news of our engagement and the pregnancy would warn them off but some of them try even harder than they did before. It drives me around the bend.
Fortunately I have complete trust in Caleb so I’m not worried at all. It’s just irritating. It stresses him out too.
When I finally make it home I climb in the shower and afterwards I snuggle up with my poorly, soon to be, husband in bed. He instantly wraps himself around me, bringing my face to his neck.
“Marry me,” he whispers as I place my hands against his feverish skin.
“You’re burning up,” I try and pull away so I can get his medicine.
He doesn’t let me, he looks in my eyes in the dark; they’re serious, extremely serious. “I want to marry you on Wednesday.”
“What?”
“Please. Just do this for me. I’ve already made the appointment. Two PM on Wednesday. I wanted tomorrow but tomorrow was taken. At Gretna Green, it’ll be a road trip.”