by A. E. Murphy
No. “No. No. He’s not… they were supposed to save him.”
“I know,” she sniffs, still rocking me and stroking my hair. “They couldn’t do anything. I’m sorry.”
“Why? What happened?”
Tommy and Sasha look at each other, “They won’t tell us anything. His parents got here as quickly as they could and they won’t permit you to know anything.”
“I’m his fiancée!” I shriek. “We’re getting married today.”
“The nurse told us all she knows is that his heart failed and it couldn’t be prevented.”
“I have to see him,” I shout and climb from the bed. “Why am I even here?” They’re about to answer but I cut them off and push the door open, “It doesn’t matter. Where is he?” There’s a nurse doing her rounds, I stop her before she has a chance to enter the room by mine. “Where is he? I need to see him.”
She blinks in shock, “You shouldn’t be out of bed.”
“Please, I need to see Caleb, where’s Caleb?”
“Maybe I should…” she glances around nervously but I place myself in her line of sight. “I can’t help you I’m sorry.”
“No, you don’t understand,” I huff, my eyes burning. “I have to see him!”
“What’s going on?” A doctor in white shirt and black trousers walks over to us from the nurses’ station.
I immediately turn to him, “Please, I need to find Caleb. Caleb Weston.”
He glances at the nurse and then at Tommy and Sasha who are close behind me. Letting out a breath I see him relent, “Come with me.”
I want to hug him, but I don’t. We follow him down a few hallways before he stops and speaks to a porter. “Please escort these three to the morgue.”
A choked cry escapes me as I realise just how real this is. No.
Tommy takes my arm as Sasha takes the other. My legs are unsteady but I manage to follow the porter.
The hallways are long and they all look the same, it takes a while but we finally get there and when we do I’m not happy to see his parents stood outside in the hall. Caleb’s mum looks dishevelled and there are tears falling from her eyes.
“What are they doing here?” I screech, my anger rising. “They disowned him.” I point at his parents. “You disowned him. You didn’t want him!”
“Is there a problem?” the doctor who they were speaking to asks and glances down at my stomach.
“She’s not family,” Caleb’s father spits, his narrowed eyes shooting daggers at me.
“She’s his pregnant fiancée,” Sasha snarls and holds up my hand to show the doctor the ring that sits there.
“So she says, I’ve never met this woman in my life,” his mother hisses, her hate for me clear.
“Because they disowned him,” I shout and plead with the doctor with my eyes. “Please. I just need to see him.”
“She was the one he was brought in with, she was with him when he died,” Tommy explains, his voice calm and collected. “She just wants to know how he died and to see him for a few minutes.”
He’s not dead, he isn’t. This is all a bad dream, it’s a joke. “Please. Let me just have a few minutes with him.”
His mother steps closer, “If she even steps foot in that room, I will sue.”
My mouth drops open, “How can you be so evil?”
“At least tell us how he died,” Tommy pleads. “It’s not right, a perfectly healthy twenty three year old just dying in his sleep without warning.”
It’s then Nathan steps through the heavy doors leading to the morgue, “Heart failure. Caleb was born with a hole in his heart, we thought it was fixed… it wasn’t. Until the autopsy is complete we won’t know for sure but if there were any other factors leading to his death, which is unlikely, I’ll notify you personally.” I notice his parents look at him, their scowls falter. They almost look as confused as I feel. “Let her have a few minutes with him father. He loved her, he chose her and he’d never forgive you if you didn’t.”
“Two minutes. That’s all.”
I’m immediately led into the room, I expected him to be in one of those drawers that you see on TV, but he’s not. He’s on his own in a large room, a sheet pulled over his waist, his arms by his side. He looks so beautiful, so peaceful. He doesn’t look dead on first glance.
I reach forward, realising it’s just me and the doctor. My hand touches his cheek. He’s so cold.
“Wake up,” I beg quietly, praying for his chest to start moving and his eyes to flicker open. I want to see his sleepy smile. I want him to grab me and drag me under the sheet with him to warm him up. “Please, Caleb.”
Still no movement. This isn’t right. He wouldn’t leave me. He wouldn’t.
I stand and stare at him, burning his image on my brain, relishing the feel of his skin beneath my fingers. None of it makes a difference. He’s gone.
“One day I’m going to kiss you in front of a real sunset on a beach full of white sand. That’s what you promised me. Why would you make that promise?” I want to be angry, I want to shout at him but I can’t. I’m just so tired, so lost right now. “Why didn’t you tell me? Maybe I could have stopped this.” My body aches to wrap itself around him and hold him until there is no longer a breath in my body. I don’t, I just stare at him. Stare at the shell that was once the love of my life.
The burning ache in my chest expands and my lungs constrict. I’m not sure how I feel, there’s no word to describe it. Devastation isn’t enough. This isn’t devastation, this is so many things that I don’t want to feel, all rolling into one giant mess of an emotion.
“You broke your promise,” I say softly. “You broke all of them.”
I half expected to walk in here and some strange paranormal force to bring him back to me. It would happen in a movie, he’d wake up and we’d live happily ever after. Realising it’s not going to happen, I shrink back into my pit of despair and weep silently by his side. I never want to leave his body.
“Time’s up,” the doctor says softly and places his hand on my shoulder. “I’m very sorry for your loss.”
The sobs tear through me as he leads me away from the love of my life. So lifeless and cold and pale. He’s never been pale. His skin is like liquid gold. It almost sparkles when the sun hits it.
Sasha holds me tight as I exit, I sob into her shoulder and the cries tearing through me are so painful I almost lose my footing.
“I want to go home,” I demand, tears still falling. This pain is unbearable.
“Sure.”
When I’m in the car I stare out of the window. My mind can’t seem to grasp onto the reality of this. It’s not possible. None of this is possible. Caleb isn’t dead, he didn’t die last night. He’s going to die when we’re both old and grey and he’s going to let me die first like he promised.
Sasha and Tommy speak quietly but I don’t care what they’re saying.
The journey home seems to last forever. I rush inside, I know he’s not here but I can’t stop hoping this is some sort of elaborate joke. They’re fucking with me I just know it.
But they aren’t.
I race up the stairs and look at the blanket on the floor. It hurts, it hurts so badly. I’ve never felt pain so potent, so thick and so powerful. The bed sheet has been stripped and the mattress has been cleaned.
“Babe,” Sasha says softly. I feel her hand on my shoulder.
“He wouldn’t leave me. He wouldn’t.” I snap but I know this isn’t true. He’s left me. He’s gone.
He’s dead.
I break. I completely break.
I’m a mess. I’m a crying heap on the ground. She holds me but it brings me no comfort.
My world just ended.
Caleb… he’s gone. He’s gone and he’s not coming back.
I scream, I shout. I blame everyone. I blame myself.
Sasha cries with me, she calls my mum. My mum’s not in town. I don’t care.
“I don’t want you.” I cry at them bot
h. Tommy and Sasha both try to comfort me. I won’t allow it. “I want him! I need him!”
“We know baby,” Sasha says on a choked breath and reaches for me. I move away, “Please,” I beg. “Please I just need to be alone.”
“We’ll be downstairs,” Tommy looks devastated, so does Sasha but they don’t get it.
They’ll never get it because they’ll never have a Caleb. Caleb was one of a kind. Caleb was mine.
He’s my world and I was his.
They don’t get it.
They’ll never get it.
I hate them for that.
Chapter Six
The blanket, it still smells like him so I wrap it around my face and inhale deeply. He always did smell good. My hand goes to my belly, we find out if it’s a boy or a girl next week. Caleb was so excited.
We were supposed to get married today.
We were both so excited.
Why would God give me such an amazing man, such an amazing gift and then just rip it away? Why can’t he take me too? Why Caleb?
Is this some sort of punishment? Did I do something to offend him?
I’m sorry! Now send him back! Please, just send him back.
“You need to eat,” I hear Sasha say.
Eat? How can I eat? Why are they even here? Just let me be.
“If you don’t eat…”
“I’ll die.”
“You have a baby to think about.”
Tears spill from my eyes, one of them trickles over the bridge of my nose but I make no move to wipe it away. He died in this spot, I want him to feel it. I want him to feel my sorrow.
“Come on,” Tommy sits me up and kneels beside the bed. Sasha holds a tray of food. “You need to eat something.”
“It all tastes the same,” I whimper as she feeds me yoghurt. “It all tastes like ash.”
Tommy rubs the back of my neck, his eyes swollen and his face showing his pain. “I know, but you still need to eat it. Please.”
I nod, he’s right. “And then can I sleep?”
“Sure,” he whispers and squeezes my hand.
They leave the room when I’m done, I feel like throwing it back up. It stays down somehow and my stomach settles long enough for me to close my eyes.
It’s such an empty feeling, knowing he’s not coming back. You see it happen to other people and you cry but you never truly feel what they feel. I know this because I’ve never felt this. Never.
“You need a shower sweetie,” Sasha whispers and slides the cover from over my head. “It’s been three days nearly. It’s time to start moving.” Her words are soft but her demands still hit me deep. I don’t want to move. “Come on.”
“I’m tired,” I say and reach for the blanket. It’s tugged away completely, much to my annoyance.
“No, you need to get up and shower,” Sasha says more forcefully this time. I sigh and climb out of bed, she leads me out of the room and into the bathroom. “And you’re not sleeping in that bed another night.”
Where the hell am I supposed to sleep then?
“Tommy is bringing over some new bed sheets after class.” She answers my inner monologue. She’s psychic as well as a nuisance. Brilliant. “Don’t look at me like that, I’m only trying to help.”
“I don’t need help,” I whisper.
She sighs and hugs me from behind, “His funeral is in two days. You need to pull yourself together.”
“I don’t want to,” I admit. I just want to sleep and waste away.
“I know,” she unbuttons my shirt, knowing I barely have the energy to do it myself. “But you need to. Because of this,” her hand rests on my protruding stomach. “And for Caleb. But mostly, you need to do it for you. Before you sink into a darkness so final you probably won’t be able to find your way back.”
My lower lip trembles, I don’t think it’s stopped trembling since that night. “I’m sorry Sasha.”
“Hey,” she turns the shower on after releasing me and gives me a smile. “It’s okay. It’s not your fault. Come on, get undressed and get in.”
I nod and peel off the rest of the clothes after she leaves the room.
My reflection in the mirror stares back at me, she looks tired, heartbroken, and hideously unkempt. She looks broken. A mirror doesn’t show you the opposite of everything, sure it looks like everything is on the opposite side to what it actually is, but everything is still exactly the same. In mirror land I’m still a mess and Caleb is still dead.
How does a twenty three year old die from heart failure? It makes no sense! He was healthy.
I knew I should’ve taken him to the doctors. If I’d rung that ambulance when he had the fever he’d still be here now!
This is all my fault.
The water does its job but I don’t feel it. The hot spray cleans away the dirt but it’ll never clean my soul. I want it to. I want it to wash away the pain and leave the girl I once was in its wake, but it won’t. It’ll only cleanse my skin and leave me feeling more awake than I was before I got in.
Which is bad because I just want to sleep. I don’t want to feel this.
My tears blend with the water as it falls down my body. I know they’re there, I can feel them leaking from my eyes. So many tears, do we ever run out? Has anybody ever truly run out of tears? Does their body dehydrate and whither or do they merely fall asleep?
If Caleb were here, we’d Google it.
I don’t feel any better after my shower, especially not when I see the bed. It’s been completely stripped. My body can’t muster the right emotion for it though, so I just stare blankly at the naked bed and try not to picture his lifeless body lying on the mattress. Naked bed or not, the image is still there.
My tears have run out.
“I don’t feel anything,” I say to no one and make my way to my closet. It doesn’t take me long to find something black. Seeing as that something is one of Caleb’s hoodies that I insisted he stopped wearing. It’s too big on me, it buries me. It’s perfect, it even smells of him. I wear my own jeans and a pair of socks before slowly descending the stairs.
Sasha is on the phone to her mum, I know she’s worried but no advice can be given. I’d say I feel bad for putting this on my friend, for loading my grief onto her and being ungrateful about it but I don’t feel anything.
There isn’t a day that doesn’t rain in ones grieving mind.
“Mum, I’ll call you back,” Sasha says when she sees me stood in the doorway. She places her phone on the side and smiles softly. “Come on, let’s go for a walk.”
I shake my head, “I can’t face the outside world yet Sash. Please don’t make me.”
She frowns slightly, so slightly I barely see it. “Sure. Let’s play a board game then.”
“No thanks.” I sit on the stool, my head resting on my hands. “You can leave if you have to. You have classes and a job.”
Sasha quirks a brow at me, “I have been leaving. Have you been getting out of bed at all while I’ve been gone?”
She’s been gone? “Sorry.”
“I’m worried about you,” this is said in kindness, her tone screams of sincerity and concern.
“Me too,” I mutter and stare out of the window. “Why’d he leave me, Sasha?”
“He didn’t.”
I shake my head, “Spare me the spiritual bullshit.”
“Shall we cook something?” I shake my head in response. “I’m going to cook us something.”
“I’m going back to bed,” I whisper and climb back off the stool.
“I’m just trying to help.”
I nod, my face as blank as my soul. “I know babe and I’m sorry your efforts are lost on me.”
“It’ll get better,” she clasps my hand with her own and gazes at me with warm eyes. “I promise it’ll get better.”
No it won’t. I don’t say this though, I just retreat back to my naked bed and pull a pillow over my head. I lie here in darkness waiting for it to consume me. Then I realise… it already
has.
******
We have to drive for three and a half hours to get to the funeral. So do all of our friends from town which is irritating. The journey doesn’t end quickly enough and when we get there I keep my eyes on my shoes until I’m seated. I don’t absorb anything, I daren’t.
I do scan the room though, I want to see how many people Caleb touched in his short life.
I’m grateful when no one talks to me from his side, although I doubt they even know who I am. I’m just some knocked up woman in a navy dress. There was no way I was going to wear black. Caleb wouldn’t have wanted me to.
His family sit on the opposite side of the room, they don’t look at me. Not that I care.
I’m watching the coffin be carried by people I don’t know. I glance around at faces I’ve never seen and then glance at the ones I have. They’re all sad, all of them. I don’t get it, it’s almost like his life has been split in half. On one side of the room, the side I’m sat on, is everyone from my town that knew him. On the other is everyone from his old life, before I knew him. They’re all formal and distant with each other. On my side everyone clings to each other. It’s strange. I could never imagine Caleb on the opposite side, I can’t imagine him ever being distant and aloof, especially not such a traumatic time.
His picture sits on top of his casket, baby blue flowers spell his name along the sides. It hurts, I can’t look at his picture it slices me too deep.
His mother cries, his dad sheds a tear, his brother doesn’t. His brother sits with a stern expression on his face looking more bored than anything. Why are they even here? They disowned him! Sure I know that they sorted this funeral out and the wake, because Caleb and I aren’t married therefore I’m apparently lucky to be here according to a harsh whisper from his mother to his brother.