by A. E. Murphy
Lucky?
I don’t care. I don’t care about any of them.
It's emotional but I can contain my emotion and the urge to cry uncontrollably by focusing my thoughts on other people in the room, the flowers, the vicar and only the odd tear falls. The pain is indescribable but it’s also shadowed by a numbness I’ve never felt. I feel like I’m on the outside looking in, my soul is scratching at the surface, wanting to leave my body and go with him. It’s an almost desperate feeling of loneliness and nothingness, almost as if there’s no longer a heart in my chest and only a gaping pit of despair. My skin tingles and my eyes blink the tears that blur my vision. I don’t want to miss this. I’m sadistic but I need to see it. I need to feel it.
Until the moment the curtains close and the coffin goes on the conveyor into the furnace only small tears fall, tears that aren’t sure what emotion it is they carry in their watery depths. Grief, pain, sorrow, anger… I feel it all. Confusion. Why is this happening? I shouldn’t be here. We should be at home feeling my bump and talking about what colours to paint the nursery.
I realise this is it, this is real; he’s leaving me. I will never see Caleb’s face or hear him talk again. I want to jump onto the conveyor make them stop and beg the funeral director to take the body back so I can have a few more days looking at him and talking to him. But I know it’s not possible, the dam breaks and the tears fall. Tears of sorrow, tears of loss and grief and every emotion that solidifies just how lonely and distraught I feel.
I can’t even say goodbye. I’m scared if I try to connect with him in the slightest way I’ll start screaming and I won’t stop. The sobs are already bad enough. Will this pain ever end?
He goes up in flames and that’s it, time for the wake but I don’t go to that. Instead I travel back home with all of my friends and go to our local. We sit and chat about memories while I sip an orange juice and try to join in. After a few long minutes of forcing conversation I find a quiet corner and slowly die inside.
I had the man every woman wants.
And now I don’t.
It feels like the end.
Just… The End.
I wish I could drink my sorrows away, this isn’t getting easier. Sasha and Tommy have left to go back to University and their lives. I know I should move but I can’t. The most I can do is lie in bed and pretend I’m somebody else. Pretend he’s here beside me.
They can’t stay any longer plus they feel like they’re not helping.
I’m a lost cause. I have nobody.
Well… I have nobody I want, I only want him. His family haven’t called and I don’t want them too. I have enough to deal with. I have bills to pay that I can’t afford and I’m having a baby in five months.
FIVE MONTHS!
It’s been a week since the funeral and my mum still hasn’t been in touch. What’s worse is, Caleb’s bank account was emptied by his parents (I assume) so there’s no way for me to pay the bills. I should go to work but what’s the point? I still won’t be making enough to cover everything.
I’m stuck in a rut and I don’t want to claw my way out.
Sasha was right, if you let yourself spiral into darkness, you’ll never find your way back.
“Why’d you leave me Caleb?”
I can’t cope. I’m going to lose everything. I’m going to have to give up the house.
So I do the one thing I never thought I’d do.
I call his parents. I beg them for help with the rent, to help with something. It takes every ounce of pride I have left but I can’t do this alone. Babies cost money and they have money, I don’t.
His father slams the phone down and when his mother calls back she tells me, “It’s your fault he’s dead. If he hadn’t have met you this never would have happened.” What’s worse is… she’s right.
Everything goes to shit. I can’t pay the bills, I can’t even afford bread. Sasha gave me a hundred pounds but it’s not enough to cover the electric. My paycheque came in yesterday and that’s barely enough to cover the gas.
Chicago’s gave me five hundred pounds to help. They collected the money from staff and customers to put towards expenses. I put it all in the bank and pray for help. For strength. For courage.
It doesn’t come.
Even if I use this five hundred to pay the bills. I’m still going to lose the house. And I refuse to go on benefits yet and even if I did there wouldn’t be enough to cover the rent and utilities. But this is our house. We decorated it together!
I don’t want to lose it.
But I do.
Two weeks go by and I lose the house, fortunately considering the circumstances they don’t sell my things. They put them in a warehouse for me to collect when I get a new place. So I go to my mum’s thinking she’ll take me in considering the circumstances, even though she hasn’t so much as texted me since she found out I was pregnant.
The door opens, my mum takes one look at me and sneers in disgust, “He’s left you.”
“What?” I gasp, tears pooling in my eyes. “No… mum, he’s dead.” How has she not heard?
She looks shocked but it doesn’t last, “And now you want to come home?”
“We had a house, jobs, school, I can’t do it on my own.” I admit, my tears spilling over. “I need you.”
“I warned you. You swore you wouldn’t get pregnant. We worked our arses off, we worked day and night to get you into University.”
I look into her cold cruel eyes, “This wasn’t my fault. I can still go back I just need help.”
“I never wanted this for you,” she says with a frown. “I can’t help you Gwen. This is your mess, I dealt with my mess now you need to deal with yours. I’m disappointed in you.”
“I can’t help what happened!” I shout, my hand pressed to my swollen belly. “Please mum, I don’t have anywhere to stay.”
She takes a step back and just as I think she’s going to invite me inside she shakes her head and says, “I’m sorry. I can’t help you.”
I bang on the door and I keep banging until my fists hurt. She doesn’t answer, she doesn’t even glance. How can she be so cruel? None of this is my fault.
“Mum! Please! Please!” I sink to the ground and bury my face in my hands. My sobs tear through me like a chainsaw through paper.
I’ve lost everything. I have no home, no family and no Caleb.
After a few more minutes of accepting my fate I head to my car and drive until I can’t anymore.
Even Sasha can’t have me, she’s lives in a hall of residence. I’d be allowed there for one night. Just one.
I’m stuck, completely stuck.
I have to drop out of university, it’s already paid so I can go back and finish my course in the future, that’s a relief. What’s not a relief is the fact I have to quit my placement that I worked so hard to get, but the café I used to work at have given me my job back. The problem is, I’m huge.
I’m pregnant and I have nowhere to live and no money. There are no spaces at the closest women’s refuge shelters, plus I don’t want to go to one of those.
So here I sit, a sob story, in the front of my car outside my old house, photos and clothes and other bits and pieces sit on the back seat in huge boxes.
At least I still have the car… for now.
I rest my head on the steering wheel and cry. It’s been a while since I’ve cried. But now I’ve started I can’t stop. It hurts… it hurts so bad.
I’m never going to see him again.
I’ll never get to feel him again.
Why did you leave me Caleb?
I should move but I can’t bring myself to do it. My hands won’t move to the ignition and gear stick. If I leave I can’t come back. This house will no longer be mine. The last few memories I have of Caleb will be just that… memories. I won’t be able to walk into the hall and recall on the time he put his bare foot straight onto the paint tray by mistake, when we decorated the hall. And then painted the wall with his foot, maki
ng me laugh so hard I ended up choking on my own saliva.
I won’t be able to lie on the bed and remember him resting his head on my flat stomach and promising me and our baby an eternity of love and loyalty.
I won’t be able to look in the bathroom and recall on the time he had a bad curry and ended up sitting there all day. Seriously. I brought him his laptop and put on YouTube so he could watch funny videos of cats. Every time he laughed he’d fart and follow through. It was so funny.
Sob.
My life is over.
It’s over and I’m scared.
There’s a knock on the window, great, it better not be the police.
It’s not. What the fuck?
I wipe my eyes and slowly roll it down, “Nathan?”
“Gwen,” He says in a clipped tone.
My hands tremble on the steering wheel, why’s he here? “Y… yes?”
“Why aren’t you inside? You shouldn’t be sat out here crying,” he bites out, his jaw clenched.
It hurts to look at him, he looks like an older, sterner version of Caleb but he’s just as handsome. His eyes are the same shape and colour, his hair too. Although Nathan’s jaw is wider and stronger and his cheekbones more pronounced. He also doesn’t have a hint of stubble, not like Caleb used to fashion on a daily basis because he couldn’t be arsed to shave.
I miss that stubble.
“We don’t live there anymore,” I murmur.
He sighs, “I can’t hear you if you don’t speak properly.” What an arsehole.
“I don’t live there anymore okay?” I say louder this time, the words make me cry again.
“So maybe you should go to where you do live,” he snaps.
Why is he here? “You’re looking at it.”
“What?”
“Are you deaf? I said you’re looking at it! This is everything I have left.”
His harsh eyes soften slightly, his face seems to slacken, “Shit.”
“Yeah,” I agree. “Shit.” Then I sigh, sick of his presence. He’s too tall and it’s got to be hurting his back bending over like that. “Why are you here Nathan?”
He looks at the house, to the back of my car and then to me, “I don’t know.”
“Right. Well then maybe you should leave.”
“Yeah,” he agrees and stands. I watch him via the wing mirror returning to his large and flashy, black car that’s parked behind my crappy metal box on wheels. I didn’t see it pull up but I’m seeing it now, it’s huge. He climbs in and two seconds later he pulls away. Leaving me once again to my own thoughts.
Was he wearing a suit? He was wearing a suit.
Who wears a suit during a casual visit?
Caleb would rip the shit out of him for it I have no doubt about that. But Caleb isn’t here and he isn’t coming back.
I turn on the ignition, giving one last lingering look at the house that was mine. Then with tear filled eyes I head to work.
My boss lets me park directly outside of the doors, due to my car being full of my things, he winces when he sees me. “Go into the back, wash your face, have a few minutes and come back out.”
I don’t argue with him, I need it as much as he thinks I do. Probably even more.
My stomach gets in the way as I work, my ankles are swollen but I’m determined to keep going. The best part is I keep getting large tips because people see my stomach and how young I am and take pity. Right now I’ll take that pity. Their pity is what’s keeping me fed.
The ones who know about my circumstances don’t make eye contact with me. I’m unsure why this is. Maybe it’s a guilt thing because they have a house and a support unit. Knowing I don’t have either probably makes them feel bad to be in my presence. These people give me tips too.
“Hey,” Sasha says as she comes in with a few of her friends. “How are you doing?”
I shrug, “I’m fine.”
“Are you okay… to be working?” Honestly no, I’m in agony and everything hurts but it helps me get through the day. I don’t say this though.
“I’m fine I promise,” I respond and lower my eyes from her concerned stare. “What can I get you?”
She orders their drinks, I scribble it down on my notepad, my mind on where I’m going to go tonight. Then my boss swaps places with me, he starts taking orders and serving, I just make the drinks. I’m relieved for this change, my back ache’s becoming too much.
“Do you want to call it a day?” Sasha asks me as I potter about behind the counter, filling drink orders and toasting croissants. “I can take over your shift.”
I shake my head, “No. I…” have nowhere to go and I don’t want to sit in the car for another minute. “Thank you though. You’re a good friend Sasha.”
She touches my hand gently, “I wish I could do more.”
We share a sad smile before she leaves, it’s then I notice she’s left two twenties and a ten on the counter. Is this what I’ve become? A charity case?
I know she wouldn’t think of me like that but it still hurts to take hand outs. I’ve sunk so low.
“Why’d you leave me Caleb?” I whisper and turn away from the customers to reassemble myself.
I imagine him up there, outraged that he’s been taken. I imagine him banging his fists on the pearly gates watching me with tears of his own. He hates it when I cry, it breaks his heart.
So I need to stop.
For him I need to find my strength and get my shit together.
“You shouldn’t be working in your condition,” I wince at the sound of his voice and turn to face him. Two cups of coffee in my hands. “You look exhausted.”
I stare at Nathan and then I look away. “Why are you here?” Please leave, you look too much like him.
I place the drinks on a tray and slide them towards my boss.
“I followed you,” he states without hesitation. “I didn’t realise your pregnancy was so far along.” His familiar brown eyes flick to my protruding stomach.
“I didn’t realise you cared,” I say and it’s supposed to sound snappy but my voice sounds dead and flat. Exactly how I feel inside.
Nathan leans on the counter, chewing his lip like his brother did. It makes my eyes burn. “Where are you staying?”
“Why are you here?” My life isn’t his business, he didn’t care about his brother so why should he care about me? Not to mention the fact he assaulted Caleb the last time we saw him. “You live three hundred miles away. What do you want?”
“I asked you a question,” a muscle in his jaw jumps, his eyes narrow with irritation.
“And I asked you three.”
“Fuck this, if you don’t want my help then fine. It’s on you, not me.”
My mouth drops open, “I never asked for your help and no, you’re right. I don’t want it!”
He shakes his head and stalks away, I don’t realise all eyes are on me until the moment he leaves and I stop thinking about how much he looks like Caleb from behind.
“He’s such an arsehole,” I say to my boss who frowns at the door where Nathan just exited. “I’ve met the guy once before and he just swans into town… what a bastard.”
“Who is he?” My boss asks with raised brows.
“Caleb’s older brother by two years.”
“Maybe you should’ve accepted his offer.”
I laugh once and stare at my boss incredulously, “He didn’t offer to help. He just asked me where I was staying. And this was after he’d already walked away once.”
“It sounded like he was offering to help then,” he gives a small shrug. “But I only heard half of the conversation.”
I relent, “He did, in a strange way but… he’s infuriating and mean.”
“He’s also the only option you have right now. Hear him out, see what he has to say. Not many people would care about their family members’ woes and you’re technically not family.”
I want to slap him, I know I’m hormonal but he doesn’t have a clue what I’m going th
rough right now. He doesn’t understand the complexity that is Caleb’s childhood. He doesn’t get it so maybe he should just let me work, sign my cheques and stay the hell out of it.
Work goes slow, I’m glad for this as my night is still uncertain. When I’m done here I have no idea what I’m supposed to be doing. I’ll go to Sasha’s for the night, I know she won’t mind I just don’t like putting on people but either way I need to stay somewhere.
I text her to let her know, as suspected she agrees.
What have you done to me Caleb? Why am I doing this alone?
I’m thinking about it again. I need to stop thinking about him.
Every time that I do my body trembles, my hands especially shake.
It’s tough but I’ll get through this. I have to for our baby’s sake.
Is it wrong that I’m hoping for a boy? I want him to be a boy so I can look into his eyes every day and see his father smiling back at me.
What kind of a life can I give him now though? I have nothing to offer him.
Deep breaths Gwen, deep breaths.
After half an hour of driving aimlessly I fill up the tank and head to Sasha’s. As I’m taking the turn towards campus I notice a large black car following me. It’s definitely him. Christ this is becoming irritating.
“What does he want now?” I say out loud and pull over when he flashes his lights twice.
His body moves with ease and grace as he climbs out of his vehicle and strolls towards me. After a few attempts I finally manage to stand by the door of my own vehicle, I still have to tip my head back to look at him. Much like I did with… no I won’t go there.