Finding Cait

by Sarah White

  “Don’t worry Matt, I was just scared. What are the dreams about?” I know I am asking a personal question but I feel like we are past the superficial conversation.

  “Typical PTSD stuff I am told. Missions that went bad, lives that were lost.” He hangs his head down and looks towards his feet. “I haven’t slept a good night in years. The most I have slept was with you the first two nights

  “There is medicine that can help,” I say knowing that it does little to help the nightmares of PTSD.

  “I’ve tried them all Cait, and therapy too. In my line of work there is a thin line between getting help and being unfit for duty. I do what the docs say and then keep the lingering symptoms to myself.” He stands up and adjusts his sweats before heading to the door. “I’m okay now, you can go get some sleep. I will do the next dose too since I woke you.”

  “That isn’t necessary Matt, we are in this together.” I look to see his reaction but he just nods his head and moves towards her room. I lay in his bed for a minute breathing in his scent and then decide I should make my way to my room and get washed up and head to bed.

  The hot water washes over my head and seeps down my face as I stand in the shower rinsing away the day. My heart hurts so bad I take deep breaths to try to relax the muscles in my chest in hopes that I will feel some relief in my heart too. As I think about the pain in my chest I realize that I am hurting over Courtney and Matt, but not Elliot. After his visit today I know I will no longer grieve the loss of that relationship.

  After drying off I slip on my nightgown and run a brush through my hair. I know that I will see Court again in a few hours but I feel the need to check in on her. I tip toe down the hall not wanting to wake Matt if he is already asleep but as I pass his room I notice his bed is empty. When I open Court’s door I find him laying in the bed next to her much like I was earlier. His arm is wrapped around her and she has rested her hand on top of his. Before I can wake him he starts to flinch and then cries out in his sleep, his words unrecognizable. I run to his side and shake him to get his attention and he opens his eyes for a second dashing them around the room. When he finds me he calms and then realizing he was dreaming again he shakes his head and moves out of her bed.

  I walk with him down the dark hallway towards his room and the pull to be with him takes over. I know he is feeling it too because he slows down his pace before reaching his door. He turns and looks at me then smiles, “I love when this hallway smells like your hair. I can’t believe that in a few days it will never smell of you again.” He drops his head and turns to go into his room.

  “Matt, you can stay with me tonight. I think we are going to both need some sleep if we are going to be taking shifts with the morphine from here on out.” Knowing it is a bad idea I still feel helpless to stop my mouth from offering it up. There is only so much pain I can take today and the little kid in me is afraid to be alone with my thoughts.

  “Cait you don’t have to do that, I may not agree with your boundary but I won’t cross it.”

  Against my better judgment I reach out and grab his hand. “It is just sleeping, Matt, and it seems like you do better when you are with me. After today I am not sure I want to be alone in my bed either. Let’s get some rest, we only have a few hours before she will need more morphine.” He follows me down the hall to my room and we climb into the bed together. He seems so distant and I know that is because I have hurt him today and I want to tell him that I love him but I know in the end it will only make it worse. Instead I wrap his arm over me and scoot close enough to him that his skin touches mine and I can feel the warmth of his body from my head to my toes. I can hear him breathing in my hair and he pulls me back closer spooning me, our bodies a perfect fit.

  Chapter 31

  Matt

  This must be it, the way her body fits mine and her heartbeat soothes my own. This must be the special thing that makes the men in my unit call home. I breath in the smell of her hair and wrap her up in my arms as tight as I can. I have no idea why she won’t love me but tonight I will take this if that is all there will ever be. I wish she knew that laying here with her right now like this was ruining me for all other women. I will never be able to love someone else the way I love her and I know from experience I have never wanted to hold another woman the way I want to hold her. This love is illogical and completely out of my control. Please Court, help me fix this.

  Cait

  The ache I feel in my heart for him threatens to break through my chest and I fight every urge to turn to him and give into what my heart is asking for. I close my eyes and steady my breathing in an attempt to fall asleep. I can feel Matt moving but I keep my eyes closed as he gently kisses my neck and lets his hand slide down my body and rest at my thigh. My body instantly lights up as my desire for him reaches a fever pitch. “I love you,” he whispers into my neck before laying his head back down and drifting to sleep.

  I love you too, I think to myself but dare not say it out loud. I drift off to sleep wrapped in his warmth and wishing that tomorrow did not have to come.

  The next two days are the same. Each of us taking turns laying with Court and giving her morphine. She is still able to drink fluids and eat yogurt so we stay on top of that as well. We have not turned the TV on in days and the time in between feedings or medication is filled with stories and memories from long ago. Matt and I sit in her room taking turns on the chair or her floor and talk to each other as if she is always listening. During her windows of clarity she joins in but those are getting smaller and she quickly drifts back out while we watch and hold our breaths.

  Candy stops by each day and checks on Court and will change her sheets and bathe her when we feel she is strong enough. Today she asked Matt and I when we last left the house and we told her about our walk to the café for sandwiches a few days ago. Candy makes a sad face and tells us that we need to get out, caregiver burn out will take over and we will get lost in the sea of death and dying if we don’t walk among the living in between. She offers to sit with Court for two medication windows and tells us to run grab a bite to eat and spend some time with people. We reluctantly agree knowing she will not give up until we do.

  I throw on a sundress and some sandals and meet Matt at the door. He looks amazing even though I know he hasn’t slept longer than a few hours each night. His hair is slicked back and his jeans and shirt are fitted. He opens the door for me and we get in his truck to make the trip down to a restaurant in town.

  “What are you thinking?” I ask him as we drive along the small road.

  “I am thinking that I don’t feel much like eating. What about you?”

  “I agree. I know Candy would have never let it rest so I agreed to go but I don’t think I can eat with the weight of Court’s suffering on my chest. Let’s just go get some fresh air.” I turn and look at him as my hair blows in my face. I push back what I can behind my ears as I wait to hear his response. He reaches over and tucks a strand that I had missed and then nods his head yes.

  Matt turns off on the road that leads to the beach and then looks at me to make sure I am okay with where he is heading. Right now the salty air and sand beneath my feet sounds incredible so I smile at him and then look out the window to watch the trees as we pass them by. After parking we make the long walk from the lot to the shore stopping only to let me take my sandals off once we hit the wet sand. After staring out at the water for a while Matt sits down on a berm and I sit down next to him.

  “I want to thank you for sharing a bed with me Cait,” he says reaching for some sand and letting it pass through his hand. “I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here. I also don’t know what I am going to do when you’re gone.” He looks at me quickly then looks back to the ocean. I take in a deep breath of salty air and then I turn to him.

  “You’re welcome Matt, I need you in my bed as much as you need to be there. It feels great to have someone next to me again.” We sit in silence for a few moments and watch the sun begin to s
et over the ocean. The wind has picked up a little but other than that it is a picture perfect night at the beach and I long for a time when it was Matt, Court and I with a few beers and a little bonfire. The memory feels so long ago and yet so close.

  When we were younger we used to sneak down to this beach during the summer months after our parents had gone to sleep and light a small fire with the wood left from other campers. Before the fire burned out we would strip down to our underwear and run into the waves, swimming until our arms felt tired enough to rest. We would laugh in the waves as we searched for each other in the darkness. It is amazing that our teenage brains never allowed us to worry about what could be underneath us or if there was any danger waiting for us onshore. We were just young and free and reckless.

  Chapter 32

  Cait

  The air is still warm as it brushes past us as we sit in silence in the dark. I do the math in my head and figure we are about three hours into our time away from Court and feel at ease knowing her next dose is coming soon and any pain she is feeling will be lessened. I know she will be happy to see that Matt and I have gone to take a break, her first concern being our happiness. I turn to Matt expecting him to be ready to leave but instead he is grinning ear to ear and then raises his eye brows before standing up and taking his shirt off. I am speechless.

  He strips easily out of his shirt and then starts working on his jeans. I look around, sure that he hasn’t checked to make sure no one else could see. I am guessing he saw my panic scope of the beach because he laughs and says, “I’ve been watching and the last beach goer left ten minutes ago. Come on Cait, for old times sake.” He pauses, the button undone on his jeans and the zipper down, his eyes begging I join him.

  “What the hell,” I say jumping to my feet pulling my sundress off over my head and throwing it down as I begin running towards the water.

  “There’s the girl I remember,” I can hear him say as he struggles to release his legs from his jeans.

  I don’t know how to describe the way it felt to be in my underwear running down to the crashing waves. Any weight that had held my chest down is lifted and I can fill my lungs fully with air for the first time since arriving here. I find myself giggling as I allow myself to be mindful of the wet sand squishing beneath my feet when I hit the water’s edge. I never stop, running as fast as I can into the ocean, fighting the waves in their attempt to push me back to shore. Finally I am no match for it’s force on my feet and I dive into the salty water just as a wave crashes over. If ever you wanted to feel small and meaningless in this world, the ocean at night is the place to do it.

  When I can hold my breath no longer I lunge to the surface, gasping for air and searching my surroundings. I cannot see Matt on the beach or in the water and a more sane me would have panicked. Having played this game for so long now, I know as I float here wit the assistance of the salt that he is lurking beneath the surface, his lung capacity far out reaching mine. I can hear the surface break from his force and then his breathing starts to echo through the night.

  When we were younger I would try to remain so still, floating on the surface calming my breath so that he could not find me. It was a game to us, Court and I would try to remain still and he would search and find us. I take a large breath and lay on my back, staring up at the sky full of stars, imagining that my brain must be lit up as I am hyper aware of all of my senses. Floating on my back with my ears beneath the surface I can only hear the hum of the ocean and the pounding of my blood through my body.

  For the first time since my marriage I am at peace with the world. The stars reach as far as I can see and the ocean has taken over holding me up so the heavy weight that I have been carrying has been lifted. I close my eyes and imagine Court floating by me, each of us aware of the other but waiting to be discovered by Matt. I let go of Court in my head and imagine her weight in the water next to me instead of where it had been residing, heavy on my heart. It is here that I let her go, at peace with what is inevitable. I cry, but not because it hurts, because it feels so much better.

  I can hear him calling me muted as my ears are still under the water and then I lift my head hearing the panic in his voice. “Cait, are you okay, what’s the matter.” He is treading water by me and must have heard me crying.

  “I’m good Matt, sorry if I scared you. I was just thinking about Court.”

  “Me too. Being out here in the ocean reminds me of better times and I had to stop myself from searching for her here.”

  “I imagined her floating next to me like she used to. I think I’m ready Matt, I think I can let her go.” I can feel the warmth from my tears as the flow down my cool face. He nods empathetically.

  I am a little out of breath as I tread water next to him but can’t help myself and I ask him a question I have wondered for a while, “How do you survive over there, so far from home with the threat of death so close?”

  He spits out some water that he had taken into his mouth and then answers, “I am not afraid of dying I guess,” and he pauses for a minute and I imagine he is weighing the decision to share more with me, “I welcome it at times really. The only thing that made me feel I needed to be here is Court, when she dies it won’t matter. I used to think I wanted marriage, kids, the house, you know the things we are told make our lives worth living. Being over there has made me realize that not everyone gets those things and even those lucky few are not promised the tomorrows needed to enjoy them.” I can feel the pain in his words and I draw in some water and spit it out, not knowing what I should say or if saying anything would help.

  After a minute he continues, “I do what I do so that the lucky few can live their happy lives and the men and women that fight with me can come home too. Thinking about what I love here made it easier, the beach, Court...you.” He stares at me directly in my eyes and waits for my reaction.

  “Come on Matt, I have been married for almost ten years. I have seen the trail of broken girls you have left along the way. You know nothing about who I am now, only the carefree teenager you left when you joined the Marines.”

  “That’s not true,” he says smiling now, “I talked to my sister every chance I got and it didn’t take her long to realize that while I loved hearing about her, our little updates about each other had better include how you were doing and what you had been up to.”

  I think about this for a second and then as much as I want to believe it I remember he can be quite the charmer and I am sure that Court would have told me if she was keeping him updated on my life. “Shut up.” I say as I splash him in the face with the water in between us.

  “You got married June 1st, graduated from undergrad the following year. You were one of the ten percent that got accepted into your graduate program which was a good thing since it was the only school you applied to being that your heart was set on it.” I could not believe what I was hearing so I remained speechless, treading water as he recapped the important milestones in my life.

  “I knew about the fertility and the pregnancy, but I did not hear about your loss and the divorce until she called to tell me it was time to come home. She told me she needed me and that this was my last chance to tell you how I have felt about you since the day we moved in. I guess she thought that once she passed we would lose any reason to stay in contact, and I would have no way to hear about how you were doing.”

  I don’t know how to feel. I feel blindsided. I am mad that Court never told me about Matt in all the intimate conversations we had over the years but at the same time I understand that she didn’t tell me because I would have never been ready to hear it. I was with Elliot and not available to anyone else, even her brother. My heart started aching again thinking of what it must have been like for her to share in my every happy moment while holding the knowledge that most of my life choices must have hurt her brother.

  Dropping my head below the water, I surface again, hoping it would help to clear my mind. It suddenly dawns on me what her intention had been t
he whole time. I remember how she told me that Matt being here was going to be so hard on him, that she hated to ask him to watch her die. She had cried to me a few days ago, telling me she was selfish to have me come but the truth had been that she used her last days of clarity to put together what she couldn’t while she was well. While she had wanted us both to be here, she really wanted us to both be here together. I should have known better than to think for a second she could have made a choice out of selfishness. She just loved us both and wanted us to be happy.

  “You don’t have to say anything Cait. I just need to tell you before I leave again. If you don’t love me that’s fine. I am used to the way that life has worked out for me. Like I said I know that only the lucky few get to have the dream. I just need you to know that you are lovable even if Elliot is too big of an asshole to see it. Someone else will love you too.”

  “It’s more complicated then that Matt,” I say as I wipe the tears from my cheeks and then continue treading water feeling like it is quickly becoming a metaphor for how my life has been these last few days. I grow more and more tired, alone in a large sea full of life but all of it hidden from me.

  “It doesn’t have to be Cait.” With that he turns towards the shore and starts swimming in, leaving me alone with my thoughts in the swells.

  Unbelievable. My loose ends I had tried so hard to tie up were beginning to unravel and for a second I allowed myself to imagine telling him the truth, that I loved him. Somewhere down deep I always had. I need to push the thought of a life with him out of my head because allowing it in would make it impossible to remain determined to end my life. I know the resolve it takes to kill yourself and the more time I spend with Matt, the less resolve I feel I have. I can’t stay here when she leaves this place..can I?