Finding Cait

by Sarah White

  I shake my head hoping to disorganize the thoughts and push the hope out leaving the resolve behind. I begin my swim into shore, allowing myself to move with the current in the ocean, alone in the darkness. I start thinking about how I am going to end my life. The ocean is an option, knowing I would be in here with my memories of her. Perhaps I can swim out to sea until I am just too tired to go on and allow the water to fill my lungs and push out the sad life that is left behind. My only fear is that his memories live here too. In those final moments when my body is shutting down, I wonder if I would look for him as if it was our game, waiting for him to find me again.

  When I get to the shore he is dressed already, waiting with my sundress and sandals. I squeeze whatever water I can out of my hair and throw my dress on over my head. He is watching me as I dress and I allow the attention to warm me instead of forcing me to dress faster. I grab my sandals, hooking them with my finger as we begin our walk to the truck. It is silent as we walk in the sand and for the first time I feel a chill as the wind cools the water on my skin. Matt puts his arm around me to help keep me warm as we reach the parking lot where the truck is parked.

  Walking with me to my side Matt reaches for his keys to unlock the door. I know we have been in the ocean for hours now and soon Candy will be giving Court the last dose of morphine she had promised us and tucking her in for the night. I lean against the truck and look at the stars while Matt unlocks the door and glances up to see what I am looking at. He opens the door and then leans his back against the truck next to me and we stare into the sky surrounded by total darkness. He reaches down an holds my hand and I don’t know if it is that I am too tired to fight it or if my heart has won but I lace my fingers with his and rest my head on his shoulder.

  “Thank you for tonight,” Matt says finally breaking the silence. I rest my head on his shoulder and close my eyes for a minute to try to capture what it feels like at this very moment forever. I am happy, not jump up and down happy, but happy. I know I am going home to tell my best friend that she can go; I no longer carry the selfish need to have her here with me. I can feel Matt’s hand under my chin and he pulls it up so that we are eye to eye. He places his nose next to mine and this time I press my lips to his before he has the chance to pause for permission. My life has been flipped upside down tonight and I decide that just for tonight I am going to shut off the critic in my head, the one that tells me that spending the night with him would ruin everything. After all, if I am going to end my life I am not going to allow Elliot the honor of being the last person to have me.

  Our lips are now locked together with our tongues gently meeting in the space between. My body is on fire against his and he has positioned himself in front of me, pressing me up against the side of his truck. Our hands explore each other and he reaches behind my head and pulls me closer to him, increasing the intensity of our kiss. His hands travel down to my hips and he pulls me against him. Tonight I am the girl outside the garage, being pulled to him, sandals still dangling from my finger. “Finally,” I whisper into his mouth, “Finally,” he whispers back.

  We can hear a car approaching in the distance and Matt whispers, “Damn it,” before separating himself from me. He kisses my forehead and then my lips once more and helps me into the truck. I watch him as he walks to his side of the car and while I steady my breathing I realize there is no longer any doubt: I love him and it is going to change everything, but tonight I don’t care.

  I move over close to him as we drive back to Court’s. He has his hand on my thigh and I am leaning my head on his shoulder. I know I am not a teenager anymore but I start thinking that this is what it must have felt like to have Matt take you home. To want him so bad and to know he was yours if only for the night. When we get home Candy’s car is still there. Looking at the clock I tell Matt, “She isn’t due for another dose for an hour.”

  We sit outside in the truck for a second, both of us knowing that it would be the longest hour of our lives if we went in now and waited for Candy to leave.

  Chapter 33

  Matt

  Candy is still here with Court and I really need to continue what Cait and I started at the beach. If we wait for her to leave the anticipation will kill both of us. I have waited long enough for this moment and I will not let anything stop us. To wait for Candy to leave means that Cait will have time to change her mind and I know I can’t survive another rejection especially right now when I want her more than I ever have.

  Being down at the beach with her was like being young again. I can’t stop remembering the night we shared alone down there so long ago. I won’t miss this second chance I have been given to take her to my room after our little game in the ocean. I’m tired of thinking of the consequences and right now my body is telling me to take her so that is what I am going to do.

  Earlier at the beach I finally confessed to loving her all of these years and I think her resolve to keep me away is breaking. I can’t keep pushing her up against things like a teenager, I need to have her underneath me in a quiet place where I can watch her as we touch. If that car had not drove past us I am sure we would have never made it back here right now and instead we would have been impulsive and found our way to my back seat. I can’t help myself when I am around her. Her body intoxicates me and my need to feel her out weighs any other thought.

  Keeping my hand on just her thigh on the way here had been nearly impossible. When she leaned her head on my shoulder I wanted to pull over and kiss here right then but the reward I would get for making it all the way home had helped me keep my hands and mouth to myself. I have done the math fast in my head and I know that we have at least an hour before Candy leaves and I know he perfect place to take Cait. Finally I am going to get to take her to my room, through the garage like I had always fantasized about and lay her down on my bed. No talking myself out of it, no being the nice guy, tonight I am going to take her and tomorrow I will worry about the consequences. From the sound of her heavy breaths and the way she touched me at the beach, I know she will not stop me. It is now or never and I can’t live with never.

  Chapter 34

  Cait

  Matt grabs my hand and smiles as he says, “Come here, I have an idea.” I follow him out of the truck and we quietly walk up the drive way. Instead of turning to the front porch we pass it and head for the garage. When I realize where we are headed I smile to myself and my heart races faster. I look up behind me, almost expecting to find the younger me staring out the window at us.

  I could have never imagined what it would feel like to be wanted so badly by Matt. The warmth of his hand holding mine was already sending electricity through my body, but being lead to the place I have fantasized about for so long is making it impossible to think straight. For years I have been responsible, always making the best decision after thinking it through. Tonight I am being reckless, going with pure desire over any rational thought. As we near the garage I am alive with anticipation.

  He opens the small door that leads to the garage and we enter into the darkness. Matt shuts the door behind us and turns on the small light above us. We make our way to the back of the garage to the small door that leads to where the extra bedroom is. When we enter the room it is just like I remembered it when I left. Matt starts to kiss me again and I close my eyes allowing myself to live in this moment.

  Matt’s hands are pulling me towards him, insisting that our bodies are as one. My hands grab onto him and I feel the warmth of his body against me. We are holding onto each other with such intensity as if we know that if we let go we might lose each other again.

  Kissing Matt is more amazing than I had ever thought it could be. Sliding his hand up behind my head, lacing his fingers through my hair he pulls my mouth closer to his as the intensity of our kiss climbs. Matt’s other hand is exploring my body, caressing every part that I feel calling to him. His lips leave mine long enough to taste my neck, my chest rises instinctually with the pleasure his touch is providing.


  Matt scoops me up and carries me over to the bed, laying me down and then laying down beside me. Our hands haven’t left each other since we entered the room and now he stops and studies my body as he finds the hem of my dress and begins pushing it up as his hand floats up my thigh. I want to feel his skin against mine and I begin pulling his shirt up, stopping for a second when I reached his arms. Matt leans back and allows me to remove his shirt entirely. Quickly, he returns to my thighs tracing the insides with is thumb as he slowly lifts my dress. When my dress is as high as he can push it, I raise my hips so that he can pull it up around my waist, and then sit up so he can remove it completely.

  His hand finds its way to me again, sliding from my breast along my side and down to my waist. Matt looks down when my hands find the button on his jeans, I can see the need he has for me in his eyes as they stare into mine begging I release him. He touches the side of my face as I unbutton and then unzip his pants. His lips move to my ear lobe and then he whispers my name as I hook my fingers into the top of his pants and his wet boxers and begin to pull them down.

  Closing my eyes I tilt my head back inviting him to kiss my neck again, something I could definitely get used to. Matt helps me to remove his pants and boxers, then is back to my lips allowing his hand to find the lace on my bra. He traces the lace with his finger and I worry I will completely unravel beneath his touch. His kisses fall softer now as he works his way down from my neck to my breasts and I rest my hands on his biceps as he sends shivers through my body. Just when I can’t take it any more he slides his hand behind my back and unclasps my bra, removing it entirely with ease.

  Matt takes my lip into his mouth and lightly sucks before opening his mouth and inviting my tongue in. I can’t get enough of this man and I pull him as close to me as possible, feeling my bare skin on his. His hand finds it’s way down to the top of my panties directly below my navel. Placing a finger just under the lace he traces it across my stomach, stopping at my hip to begin puling them off. I lift my hips again to help him slip them down my legs and then there is nothing left separating us from each other.

  Matt puts his legs between mine and reaches behind him to pull the covers up over both of us. His hand slides down the side of my left leg and pauses just above the back of my knee and pulls my leg up, allowing himself to get closer to me. Anticipating his next move I pull my other leg up as he positions himself on top of me. Never have I wanted a man as much as I want him.

  Holding himself up on his elbows on either side of my head he pushes the hair that covers my face back behind my ears and looks down into my eyes. I feel I owe it to him to be honest and while I cannot bring myself to tell him the whole truth, that I love him and need him, I want to let him know where I stand so he has the chance to stop before he can’t turn back.

  “Matt, this isn’t a promise of forever,” I say as I look into his eyes.

  “It never is.” He replies, taking my hands in his, interlacing our fingers above my head. “I love you Cait, always have, always will. I will take what I can get.” I nod my head knowing he is aware of what I can offer and then tilt my chin up to press my lips against his. While the need is still intense, the mood has switched from desperate ravishing to deep love and tenderness.

  Matt makes love to me tenderly, never letting go of my hands. He wraps my body in his and lies beside me, pulling me close to him. He laces his fingers through mine again and we lay there in the silence knowing what we just did could not be undone.

  Chapter 35

  Matt

  No turning back now. I am madly in love with her and tonight has shown me that I was right to have always waited for her. She can deny that she loves me but I saw it in her eyes tonight first the desire and pure need, then the love. I could easily see myself becoming addicted to that connection with her, needing more of it the more she gives me. The want for her is insatiable. I thought that finally sleeping with her would put an end to that relentless need but I now know that it only fueled the fire and I can’t wait to do it again.

  The look in Cait’s eyes when I passed the house, leading her to my room was indescribable. Her playful smile had turned into a seductive grin and my body had reacted right there in the driveway. I had thought about leading her to my room so many times, but the actual experience of taking her to my room has far exceeded any thing I could have dreamt up.

  Cait giving into me, feeling her hands discover every inch of my body was incredible. Her touch excited me more than any other girl has ever excited me and the struggle to keep things slow was a hard one because I wanted her so badly. The taste of Cait’s skin on my tongue and softness of her skin beneath my fingers stole my breath, increasing the hunger I feel for her.

  Chapter 36

  Cait

  Matt and I listen as the front door opens and the screen squeaks as Candy leaves. Four hours left before Court’s next dose. We spend that time wrapped up together filling in the details we have been missing in each others lives. I share stories of my practice, patience I have helped and those who could not be helped. Matt tells me about his time overseas, the near misses with death and the people he had befriended. In between our stories we find ourselves kissing again, growing closer as each minute passes.

  When it gets near to the time that Court will need her next dose of morphine we get dressed and slowly make our way back up to the house. I know as we leave his room behind the garage that I have failed to protect him from my inevitable death. I had wished my suicide would be a clean break, free from worry that it would hurt the living, but now I know he will be a casualty of my death. For now, our feet are both lighter with the heaviness of the loss left in the ocean for the night.

  Matt heads to the shower and I enter Court’s room to give her the morphine. She wakes as I open the door and smiles when she see’s who is entering.

  “How was tonight?” She asks softly, worried about us like I knew she would be.

  “It was wonderful,” I say as I load up the dropper. When I place it in front of her lips she shakes her head no and then pats the bed next to her asking me to sit beside her. I wonder if she is not in pain for a moment but I can see that she is so I quickly sit down beside her hoping she will allow me to give her the morphine so she doesn’t have to suffer.

  “We need to talk,” she says softly “I am sorry I never told you about how Matt felt.” She looks at me with tears in her eyes. “When you married Elliot he made me swear I would never tell you; he didn’t think Elliot deserved you but he knew you loved him and he liked seeing you happy.”

  “I am not mad Court. Matt told me about your calls tonight. I know that you would have told me if the right time had ever come. If I wasn’t with Elliot I was grieving Elliot and that was true up until a few days ago. I know why you brought us here now.”

  Court nods her head and then motions to the morphine in my hand. I put the dropper in her mouth and she struggles to swallow it. She keeps her eyes closed for a few moments, waiting for the morphine to subdue some of the pain that must be wracking her body. I watch helplessly, willing it to work quickly.

  “Court, I love you. I don’t want to live my life without you and I am scared to be here alone. Tonight Matt and I went down to your spot and while I was out there floating in the ocean in the dark night with the stars reaching across the sky above me I let you go. I can’t ask that you stay here any longer for my benefit. It is going to kill me when you pass, but I have let you go when you are ready.”

  “I need to know if you love him Cait, do you?” I freeze at the question knowing that I can’t lie to her but the truth could make things so much harder. I wonder if I will have time to explain my answer or if she will drift off again before I let her know it doesn’t matter. In the end I decide to keep it simple knowing she just wants him to be happy.

  “Yes,” I whisper just before our window of clarity passes and happy tears fall down her face. She reaches up and touches my cheek with her hand for a moment, then rests her hand on mi
ne. Court falls asleep as I rub her forehead.

  Matt is on the couch when I leave Court’s room and I make my way down the hall to the shower. The hot water rinses away the smell of the ocean and I don’t feel like crying for the first time in days. When I get out I put on my pajamas and make my way out to the couch. Matt is asleep and his face grimaces as I enter the room so I rush to the couch in an effort to wake him before the dream gets worse.

  Chapter 37

  Matt

  Reality and my dreams are hard to differentiate at this point, both bleeding into each other. It is not that I can’t see that things are not right, but my real world is full of injustices and fucked up situations. Walking along in the convoy I see two little girls playing with something ahead of us. I smile as we approach them, always curious how delicate things can exist under such horrible circumstances.

  One of the girls has brown hair that hangs long against her back. She is giggling and sweeps her hair from her face as she watches the other girl playing. I still can’t see what has their attention, if only the little girl would move over a little. I drop my rifle down to my side as I approach the small patio where the girls have been playing. Pausing for a moment I begin to doubt myself as I can swear I hear the sound of waves. Miles from the ocean in this dry desert I know that my mind must be playing tricks on me and I shake my head to orient myself back to this place.

  The giggling begins again and I feel my excitement growing as we get closer to the patio. The sand beneath my feet gets looser as we reach our destination and I begin to struggle to not sink in it. I look behind me to see where the sand had begun knowing that just moments ago I was walking on packed dirt. I am alone. No vehicles are with me, no other men, just me in the middle of the desert with the sand beneath my feet, holding me in my place and fighting me each step I take.