The Love Playbook: Rules for Love, Sex, and Happiness

by La La Anthony

  My radio shift was only four hours, and that left me with a lot of time by myself. I was lonely. I cried a lot. My family was all back east. Everyone I was close to was in Atlanta. I remember thinking, “Wow, is this what being a grown-up is all about?”

  I was wishing I had gone on the road with Chris (aka Ludacris). I missed him and Poon.

  Then S. Dot would come around and grab me to get something to eat. I would spend a lot of time in Inglewood at her mom’s house and I would crash there some nights just not to be alone. I finally found this apartment on my own, which I liked a lot. I brought S. Dot to check it out. She was like, “La, that’s like the worst neighborhood you could possibly move into.”

  When I saw it in the daytime it seemed cool. But I went back at night with her and I saw it was a really bad neighborhood. I guess I drove in and everything was new and beautiful inside the building and I had already given them a deposit. I told them I didn’t want it and they kept my deposit. I ended up staying in corporate housing another month.

  I was scared as a single girl to be living alone. I didn’t know what I was doing and I was mad at myself for losing that money.

  Sometimes you get a little embarrassed because you want to be grown and know everything. But you end up making way more mistakes. It’s great to be independent. But it’s better to have friends that you can bounce things off of and get advice from.

  TIMEOUT

  Does He Like Me?

  After a great first date with a guy, he’s not calling. What does this mean?

  This one is easy. If he’s not calling, he probably doesn’t like you. I know it’s harsh. But we sometimes ask questions and the answers are right there. Ask yourself this question: Does he act like he likes you?

  Guys are pretty simple. They’re not that complicated. If they like you, they show you. They may not all do the flowers and call you ten times a day (in fact, most don’t). But there are simple things they do to let you know. They will ask you about your day and they will want to know more about your life. But if he isn’t calling at all or if you call him and he has a thousand and one excuses for why he can’t meet up with you, then he’s simply not into you.

  I believe after the first date, you don’t have to do that waiting-for-him-to-call game. That game is played out. You can make the first move; you can call him first to let him know you had a good time. But after that, if he doesn’t appear to make any more moves to see you, let it go.

  If you have to do some kind of trick, magic, or voodoo, that’s clearly an indication that he’s not the one for you. If a man really likes you, you don’t have to work that hard. The message of this whole book is to be who you are. You don’t have to fit into a mold of what you think he wants. Be you. If that’s not good enough for him, then he’s not the one.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  The Rules

  Rule: 1. A prescribed guide for conduct or action. 2. An accepted procedure, custom, or habit.

  As I mentioned in the introduction, you make the rules. So why make them so hard that even you can’t play the game? A lot of women today have these goals that they’ve set for themselves that are making them miserable. My advice: Toss them out and live your life. Don’t worry about how it looks or what someone may think.

  One of my friends called and said, “I slept with him on the first date. Am I a ho?”

  “It depends,” I told her. “Do you feel like a ho?”

  I’ve never slept with someone on the first date. I never even had a one-night stand. But I’m not opposed to it. I’ve just always been a relationship person. I like being in love. I like having that one person to do special things for. Being a serial dater could never work for me.

  That said, I don’t believe there is anything wrong with women who are serial daters. But you must know that there is a double standard in our society. If a woman sleeps with a hundred men, she’s viewed as a ho. If a man sleeps with a hundred women, he’s killing it. He’s a hero. He’s looked at as a stud and they celebrate him. This is the stereotype, whether we like it or not. So if a woman wants to be that woman who dates a bunch of men, then she better be prepared for the label. It’s not fair. It’s just the way it is. I stopped trying to figure it out.

  But labels and opinions don’t matter as long as that woman doesn’t view herself as a ho. Who cares? Be you! I happen to know a couple of women who date a lot of men and they don’t care how it looks. I applaud them because they’re being themselves and living their lives. What I have no respect for are the women who knowingly date other women’s husbands and boyfriends. And I don’t respect women who pretend to be all pure and chaste and are out there running wild behind closed doors. They’re hiding. I prefer someone who says, “I’m going to do it the way the guys do it,” and doesn’t care what people think.

  But if we’re being perfectly honest, women can’t really do it the way guys do it. Not just because society frowns on it, but because most women aren’t wired the way men are wired. We want certain things. And just sex won’t cut it for most of us. (There are a few rare exceptions.) But I’ve found that even women who say they can have sex with a man with no strings attached and just keep it moving end up at some point getting caught out there.

  So should you sleep with him on the first date? If you’ve done it and it’s worked out for you, then good. But I will say, more often than not, it doesn’t turn out well.

  For me, if I’m having sex with you, then we’re together. So I need to make sure we’re on the same page or my heart will get broken. So not sleeping with someone I like early is my own way of protecting my heart.

  Another reason why I don’t do it is because I’ve seen how guys treat women who do sleep with them quickly. I’ve been fortunate to have a ton of male friends, and they talk honestly with me. I hear how they talk about women who they feel are sluts. But more than that, I watch what they do. The key to understanding men is to observe their actions—how they act speaks volumes.

  I recently started taking boxing lessons, and my boxing coach, Mr. Martin, told me that everything is a competition for men.

  “Men are natural hunters,” he said. “They love the thrill of the hunt. Women don’t understand that. So you never want to make it easy for them. They love the challenge.”

  He wasn’t telling me anything I didn’t already know, but it was cool getting confirmation. I know we’d like to think there shouldn’t be any game playing in relationships. But being in a relationship is very much like playing a big game.

  One day you have the upper hand; the next day he has it. But you have to know the rules and you have to learn how to play, or you will end up losing every time.

  Sex

  Let’s talk about sex. What is it really? A connection between two people. A lot of times women allow bad sex to be a deal breaker in a relationship. But what is bad sex? It’s a bad connection. Is that something you can fix? Again, get in the game! Show him what you like, how you like it, where you like it. You’re in control.

  I know a lot of women who are uncomfortable directing a man in bed. It’s not what you do but how you do it. You can direct him without being forceful. You can be in control without taking over. If your “direction” still doesn’t result in great sex, check the connection. Maybe you guys aren’t really clicking; maybe you aren’t really connecting. Maybe he’s not that into you and is just going through the motions.

  But if he were the one, it would be a shame to throw away a good person because of miscommunication in the bed. Do I think sex is important? Of course. But I also think if your guy is a good guy, you can have fun working with him until he gets up to speed. That too takes maturity. I’m kind of shy in this area. I’m not the kind of woman who can easily tell a guy what I like in bed. But if I had an issue and I really liked him, I would. It would be worth it.

  Instead, we oftentimes hold a grudge because a man can’t read our minds. “Why doesn’
t he know where to touch me? He must not love me enough. He must not be in tune.” Maybe he’s just not that experienced. And everybody is different. Maybe the last chick was easy and what worked on her won’t work on you. How would he know that? Either you have to either tell him or you have to show him. Trust me, a man wants you to enjoy yourself. So helping him help you do that makes it good for both of you.

  Don’t assume he should know. If you’re not getting what you want in the bedroom, take possession of the ball.

  Rule No. 1:

  Know What You’re Both Playing For.

  For you, it may be a long-term relationship. Perhaps your ultimate goal is marriage. For 99 percent of the men you run into, I can almost guarantee you that the ultimate goal is not marriage. So you need to figure out what he wants. I’ll make it easy for you: He wants sex. But if you give him sex too soon, what does he have left to play for? Where’s the challenge? You have to be around him long enough to get beyond the sex and get to know the man and what’s at his core. You may find out that nothing is there; he’s totally empty. By not sleeping with him you get to dodge a bullet.

  But if you believe he is the one and you want him as a husband or a life mate, how do you play it to win?

  For me, I can honestly say I didn’t come to this conclusion trying to play games. How I behaved was just a natural extension of who I am. I understood that for men—especially men in the spotlight—sex comes easy. Women—beautiful, gorgeous, sexy women—throw themselves at athletes and entertainers every single day. I’ve witnessed it.

  When I was on the radio in high school, my male coworkers and other deejays would have women approach them in the clubs and at the station. (Even our music director had groupies.) The next day I would hear the stories of the conquests. And these were just guys from the local radio station.

  I was “one of the boys,” so they weren’t being disrespectful in talking about these women to me, but I was able to see which girls actually caught my boys’ hearts. And she was rarely that chick in the club. She was usually the one he met somewhere who wouldn’t give him the time of day. She was the one he had to chase.

  With Melo it was a similar story. I was running as far from him as possible when we met. All I could think about was what my stepfather told me: “Don’t ever mess with a ballplayer. They are all dogs!” And I can’t say my experiences watching friends of mine involved with ballplayers here or there did anything to prove my stepfather wrong. So when Melo and I were introduced, I was not interested. The other factor working against Melo was his age. But I didn’t find out about that until I already liked him.

  When we did start talking, I never came out and said, “You’re not getting the drawers!” I didn’t make it an issue. I carried myself in a way that was open and fun and easy to be with. At the end of the night, I left him with a warm hug, a peck on the cheek or lips, and a “good night.”

  This leads me to . . .

  Rule No. 2:

  Distinguish Yourself from the Pack.

  Be Different.

  I’m not talking about tattoos and tongue rings (although some guys are really intrigued by all that). But if you notice all the chicks around you are dressed the same, act the same, talk the same, then you should be the one who is different. If you aren’t the “baddest” chick in the bunch who is doing it better than everyone else, what is there about you that stands out?

  I’ve been at the clubs inside the deejay booth and watched the cattlelike dance that goes on as men are on the prowl, and I’ve seen what they see and what they go for. Of course, in a club men want to bag a beautiful prize. There is no time or space to really get to know someone in a club. So if you do meet a man in a club, please know that he couldn’t care less about your personality. And if you give him what he wants (sex), it’s likely he’ll be gone—unless it’s really, really good sex. Then he’ll stick around—just for the sex. But that’s not a building block for a lasting relationship. That’s a building block for a really good sex buddy.

  From doing club appearances, I’ve also watched how women throw themselves at men, especially if that man is in the limelight. A lot of these women have no morals or values. And while a guy will definitely sleep with a woman without morals and values, is he going to bring her home to meet his mother or grandmother or sisters? Is she the kind of woman he envisions being the mother of his children—not his baby’s mama, who is essentially a jump-off that he got sloppy with?

  Are you the woman he can see having a serious relationship with? Do you have the things he’s looking for in a wife or the mother of his kids? Do you even know what that man you think you want is looking for in the woman of his dreams?

  Male friends of mine have told me that a man knows almost immediately when he’s met “the one.” The vision for his perfect woman or the woman who would be his wife is something he has been carrying around with him probably since birth, and when he meets her he knows. He knows almost instantly. So if you’re with a man for five years or more and he hasn’t put a ring on your finger and he keeps running from the very idea of even getting engaged, then you’re not the one. He’s waiting for the woman of his dreams and you’re just holding her spot until he meets her.

  You may eventually coerce him into marrying you, but just know that he’s settling, thinking that he may not ever meet her. Or maybe he has and he has fucked up with her in some way and can’t get her back. You are still his alternative choice. You’re not the one. Maybe that’s okay with you. But for me, I want to be with someone for whom I am the one. Even if I’m not the one forever or he’s not the one forever, at least I can know in my heart that I had that kind of love.

  But first you have to believe you are worthy.

  Rule No. 3:

  Don’t Be Afraid to Mess Up or

  Go Outside Your Comfort Zone.

  What if your first date is a disaster? How do you get a second date? First impressions are so lasting. But if you’re convinced that he is worthy of the time you’ll spend to get to know him, then you owe it to yourself to give it another chance.

  If on that first date you completely made a fool of yourself or things didn’t go the way you thought they should, don’t call him immediately. Wait a minute. Collect your thoughts and come up with a plan of action.

  My plan of action would be the truth. It usually works. I would call him a couple of days later and say, “I felt like that date was really bad. I was having a crazy day. Do you think we can try this again?”

  Simply ask him for a do-over. I think something like that would work. Everyone is entitled to a bad day, and if he’s a nice guy, he will definitely give you a chance to redeem yourself. If he isn’t a nice guy, why would you want to be with him anyway?

  This also falls under the “don’t be afraid to make the first move” rule. If you like this guy, let him know. I believe in chivalry and the traditional way of dating. But sometimes guys are just plain scared and too intimidated to make that next move.

  Even if you had a great date and he hasn’t called you after a day or two, it’s okay to pick up the phone to say, “Hello” or “What’s up?” It shouldn’t be serious and don’t ask him, “Why haven’t you called?!” Just check in. Tell him you had a nice time. And let him take it from there. If he’s not interested, he won’t keep the conversation going for long and he won’t ask you out again. But you might not ever know that unless you make the first move sometimes.

  I was nervous the first time I made the first move. But then I thought, “What do I have to lose? I can either have another date and it can go well. Or he’s just not into me. Either way, I’m not losing.”

  Rule No. 4:

  Have Your Own . . . Career, Money, Life.

  I’ve talked a lot in this book about the need to have your own career, your own money, and your own life. There’s nothing more unattractive than an insecure woman. And conversely, there is nothing more attractive t
o a man than a secure, independent woman.

  There is nothing more attractive to a man than a secure, independent woman.

  A man will take advantage of an insecure woman. He will definitely sleep with an insecure woman (how easy is that?). But being with her for the long haul? That’s way too much for most men to handle. An insecure woman is also typically jealous and she brings too much drama to every situation. She needs a man’s constant reassurance and attention, and keeps asking him dumb questions like “Do you love me?” or “Why didn’t you call?”

  You are not good mate or good wife material if your whole existence is wrapped up in your man. Initially, a man loves to be the center of your universe. But he doesn’t usually want the responsibility that goes with it. So you have to figure out how to make him feel like he’s the center of your universe while at the same time making sure that you are the center of your universe and that you are living your best life.

  Men need to feel like the man. And you can do that. Stroke his ego. Put him on a pedestal verbally. But I’ve found that men are also intrigued when you’re doing your own thing and are confident in your life. It is literally a magician’s trick I’m telling you to perform, but while you’re making him feel like a king, you must be the queen. Don’t worry about what he’s up to and what he’s doing. You need to spend more time working on yourself.

  I don’t run Melo’s phone, check his text messages and e-mails, or spy on him. If I have to do that, then we don’t have much of a relationship. My doing that would also say a lot about me. I cannot control a thing he does. But by being fulfilled in myself and in my own space, I can control what I do. So if he does mess up like that, I may be hurt, but my world won’t end. And because I’m not obsessed with trying to figure out, watch, and control what he’s doing, I don’t give myself unnecessary stress. As my mother says, “He’s going to do whatever he’s going to do.” Even if you hire a private detective to follow him, that’s not going to stop him. And trust me, the truth always comes out eventually, so why waste the money?