The Love Playbook: Rules for Love, Sex, and Happiness

by La La Anthony

  Live your life. Access your value and cultivate your talents and skills. Being beautiful and good in bed just simply isn’t going to keep him. There are girls out there who are more beautiful and better in bed and are willing to do anything. How do you compete with that? My answer: You don’t!

  I decided that I was always going to be myself, put it out there, and the one who appreciates what I have to offer deserves to be with me.

  Rule No. 5:

  Pay Attention! He May Be

  There All Along.

  Sometimes we work the game so hard that we miss it when there’s an easy move right in front of our faces. We’re so busy playing, and out there looking to see it.

  I know a woman who was so busy with her career that she never could find love—at least that was her excuse. But her true love was right in front of her the whole time and she simply wasn’t seeing him.

  She and her man had been friends for more than fifteen years. They had been there for each other through several bad relationships on each side. Little did she know he had never gotten married because he was waiting for her. As I said, sometimes men are afraid and intimidated and won’t make that move. It took him fifteen years to finally tell her how he felt.

  What did she do? She dismissed him. They were friends, she told him. She didn’t see him that way.

  “I understand,” he said. “But if I can’t be your man, I can’t be your friend. It’s too painful. I’d rather move on with my life and try to forget you.”

  This stunned her, but being a good friend, she let him go. As the weeks went by, though, she discovered that she missed him. A lot. And the more she missed him, the more she started more than just missing him.

  “I knew I loved him as a friend,” she said. “But when he cut off all ties, I realized that he was more than a friend to me. He was the kind of man I could see spending the rest of my life with. He had all of the qualities I said I wanted, but I just wasn’t willing to even give him a chance.”

  She called him after several months. And before he hung up, she told him, “I think I’m in love with you . . .”

  They ended up getting married, and they now have a three-year-old little boy and are happy as can be.

  Sometimes what you’re looking for is right in front of you. We’re so busy looking for that perfect man that we often don’t give a guy a chance that might be right there all along.

  So take a breather, pause, pay attention.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  The Fake:

  It May Work in Hoops—

  Not So Much in Relationships

  Fake: A deceptive move to throw a defender off balance and allow an offensive player to shoot or receive a pass; players use their eyes, head, or any other part of the body to trick an opponent.

  They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. So what happens if you don’t cook? I know several women who either don’t cook or hate to cook but faked it in the beginning of their relationships. They put on this whole Suzy Homemaker act because they knew that most men, when they’re looking at a woman as wife material, want to see a woman cook, take care of the household, and all of that.

  While I believe that men do appreciate a woman who can really rock in the kitchen, I don’t believe it is the deciding factor in winning a man’s affections. What I know for sure is that pretending to be something you’re not will backfire.

  If cooking isn’t your thing and you’re getting the cookbooks out and making these fabulous and impressive meals for your man, can you really keep it up? He will grow used to the great meals and maybe two months or two years into the relationship, when you’ve decided you can’t do it anymore, he’s giving you the side eye, like something’s wrong. And eventually, something that started off making him feel special will make him feel like you don’t care as much, when the truth is you never cared about cooking. It was all a front. It was fake.

  As I mentioned before, I don’t cook (often). And when I first started dating seriously, I hated cooking. I saw it as a complete waste of time and got no enjoyment out of it. It was so much easier to order out or go out. Melo was fine with it because that’s not why he wanted to be with me. He became attracted to me, not to my cooking skills or other things. So now when I cook, it’s special.

  And over the years, I have not grown to enjoy cooking, because I don’t think I ever will be passionate about it. But I have grown to enjoy what having a meal that I’ve prepared with my family means.

  There is a bond that food brings to a family. There is something about making a meal and everyone sitting down together and eating it. I don’t make anything elaborate. I may just cook something simple like turkey burgers and a fruit salad, but I make it just for them. Every now and then I will do the whole spread. That’s really something. I also realize that for my son and husband, I want to make some dishes that they will know are special and just for them. Kiyan gets home cooking all the time when he’s at my mom’s house or my brother’s house. But when I make a meal, he knows it’s just for him and it’s memorable. So I do try to cook at least once a week. But it’s not my thing. And if it’s not your thing, you should find your thing.

  Even though I didn’t cook for Melo, I brought other things to the table. Of course, he was pretty well known when we got together, but his world was primarily sports-based. I actually knew more people in different industries and was able to bring him certain business connections. For example, he was interested in doing a vitamin drink. I connected him with friends of mine who could help him get the drink not only made but also distributed. When Melo wanted to get his nutrition on track and eat healthier, I hooked him up with my guy Kane, who was an up-and-coming chef. And it worked out wonderfully for both of them.

  I don’t cook, but I know how to make connections and bring people together. That’s my gift. And Melo appreciates it.

  You have to find your specialty. Maybe it’s giving the world’s best massages. Who’s to say that a massage isn’t as satisfying to some men as a great meal? That massage can mean just as much to him, if not more. If that’s your thing, work it. But find your thing.

  If I came into the relationship doing things that I don’t normally do, like cooking, he would expect it all the time. And I simply wouldn’t be able to keep it up, or I would be miserable trying. And he would eventually take it for granted. I had to establish that I wasn’t going to be cooking early on, and he doesn’t expect it.

  But I do other things.

  A Time to Fake

  There are times when you should fake it in a relationship. They say fake it until you make it. In relationships, you can fake it if it means bringing you closer together or opening your world, because you never know.

  On my last birthday, Melo surprised me with a trip to Napa Valley. He is a huge wine person and is obsessed with red wine. He rented this beautiful villa overlooking the vineyards. And we spent a day driving to the different vineyards, eating cheese, tasting wines, and getting a lesson on the grapes and how they were grown.

  Melo was in heaven. I was not. I felt like I was in a history class and about to die. I don’t really drink. I get teased when we go out because I’ll order a drink and it will just sit there. I don’t like the taste of alcohol, not even the sweet drinks that everyone seems to love. The best I can do is shots because I hardly have to taste the alcohol. I just feel the burn and get the buzz and that’s cool. But alcohol is not my thing, and I don’t like wine.

  I tried to act happy—after all, he went through all the trouble for my birthday—but I couldn’t keep up the front. My face said it all. And all I was thinking was, “He knows doggone well I don’t like to drink . . .”

  “Babe, I don’t think you’re enjoying yourself,” he said.

  “Well, wine is your thing,” I said. “It felt like you planned something that you liked instead of what I like.”

  I would have been cool go
ing to Six Flags or to a water park. But me saying that to him hurt his feelings. He felt like I didn’t appreciate his effort, and I did. When I thought about it, I got mad at myself. I was being really selfish.

  Of course he knew I didn’t like to drink. That wasn’t what the trip was about. Not at all. But I couldn’t see it at the time. Instead, all I saw was that he planned a trip doing something that only he liked. But what he really was doing was opening a part of his world to me. He was letting me in to see why he likes wine so much. This was a bonding trip. And I blew it.

  I know I would have been mad had he planned a trip to Napa with a few of his boys who also like wine. Instead, he included me in a world that he loves. Maybe I will never love wine or wine tasting. But how horrible was it really to sit in a villa with a wonderful view, sharing an experience with a man I love? I could have endured those couple of hours at the vineyards with a real smile on my face; after all, we had the whole rest of the day and night to do things I wanted to do.

  I ruined the moment by not seeing the full picture. (How many times have we done that?) I should have faked it until I figured it out, instead of just reacting to how I was feeling in that moment. Sometimes we need a ten count in a relationship. We have to ask ourselves a few questions, and the answers would tell quite a different picture. And sometimes we have to react with our head instead of our heart.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  The Uniform

  Uniform: Dress of a distinctive design or fashion worn by members of a particular group and serving as a means of identification.

  True to my heart, I am a tomboy. I can get super-glamorous when I have to. But people who know me know it’s straight Jordan, straight T-shirt, straight jeans as often as possible. That’s my uniform. That’s what I’m comfortable in.

  You could find me hanging out with Kiyan and his friends, shooting hoops (and yes, I can still take them), and I’m perfectly at home.

  When I was in high school, I didn’t date much because I was the tomboy, the girl who hung out with the guys but wasn’t seen as a girl they wanted to date. I was their homegirl. I liked that designation. But when I did want a boyfriend, I found it hard. And it was all because of my look.

  The girls who were getting the boys were wearing the tight jeans, the revealing shirts. They were wearing makeup. I guess I didn’t want a boyfriend badly enough, because that seemed like a lot of work. Looking back, I’m glad I was a tomboy and the girl all of the guys liked hanging out with—respectfully. I liked being the only girl in the crowd. It gave me a lot of insight. I also got to learn a lot about men from the inside. And I got to become really comfortable being me. Not changing for anyone.

  Being a tomboy actually paid off in the end. Because when I was ready to step out in the revealing dresses, the six-inch heels, and the makeup, I was turning heads and getting that kind of attention. And then I was able to keep their attention. I was the best of both worlds to a guy. They could take me to events and I could look good on their arm when they were out on the town, and I could beat them at video games and talk sports with them afterward.

  You know the saying that men want a lady in the street and a freak in the bedroom? I believe they also want a woman who can let her hair down and play, and then put it up and look glamorous when she has to.

  Outside of not getting a lot of male attention in high school, I felt good about myself. But when I got to college and started going to clubs with Doug and seeing the girls that were around him, I started feeling differently about my sneakers, T-shirts, and jeans thing. He was originally attracted to my homegirl look, but the girls he was cheating on me with were the chicks in the tight, short dresses. I started questioning myself. But at this point, I wasn’t comfortable in tight clothes.

  The honest truth is I’m not totally comfortable dressing like that now. I dress up because I have to—mostly for work. But on an off-day, you will catch me without any makeup, with a baseball hat, sunglasses, and maybe I’ll comb my hair.

  From what I hear from Melo and other friends, men like that kind of versatility in a woman. I’ve had male friends tell me, “I like my chick better when she has on sweats.” But I know he also likes it when she dresses up. They like you to be able to do both. Melo always tells me to take off my makeup when I get home from working. He loves it when I’m natural and my hair is pulled back in a ponytail. Versatility is the key.

  What’s really cool about fashion today is that you can be fly and still be comfortable. Girls are wearing baseball caps and looking fly. It’s not like before when you wore caps and sneakers and looked hard. They have caps that are feminine. I love wearing my Nike wedges. Jimmy Choo has sneaker wedges, too. So you can have a feminine look but still hold on to the tomboy in you.

  “What Do I Wear on a First Date?”

  I get asked this question a lot. My thoughts on the first-date look are to be appropriate and use common sense. If he’s taking you bowling, and you show up in ten-inch heels . . . really? Come on! Be realistic. There is such a thing as trying too hard. You want it to look effortless. You might have spent three hours getting ready, but you want it to look like you’re just pulled together like that.

  You should put effort in your appearance, especially on a first date, because first impressions are important. You don’t get a second chance to make a good first impression, so make sure you smell good and you look good. Your clothes should reflect who you are, in keeping with the whole living inside-out theme. But it’s okay to throw on a little makeup, even if you don’t normally wear it. What that says to him is that you tried to look special for him, and that will make him feel good.

  You don’t get a second chance to make a good first impression.

  Now, to look good on that date doesn’t have to break your bank. I follow these girls on Instagram who are so stylish. With Instagram, you can see how others are putting looks together. And there are so many outlets to follow people who know how to get this high-fashion look for less. They mix items from Target or Forever 21 with something more expensive, and the whole outfit looks high end. So you may have on a pair of $100 jeans with a Forever 21 or Target top.

  I’m not the greatest fashion person. I’m not creative that way. But I look at some of my favorite people on Instagram and I copy what they’re doing. Or I check out a fashion magazine or one of the fashion blogs. They always have articles on how to put together a designer look for less. I rip out something that I think is nice and take it with me when I go shopping. You don’t have to be a fashionista to look like one. You don’t have to reinvent the wheel. The Internet and social media have made what was once very stressful for someone like me so easy.

  TIMEOUT

  Should You Give Him a Freebie?

  Masha Lopatova, the wife of NBA player Andrei Kirilenko, said in an ESPN interview once that she allows her husband one night a year to do whatever he wants with whomever he wants.

  “Male athletes in this country are extremely attractive. They get chased by women. It’s hard to resist. It’s the way men are by nature. When I’m aware and I let him do it, it’s not cheating.”

  Masha also said, “What’s forbidden is always desirable. It’s the same way raising children—if I tell my child, ‘No pizza, no pizza, no pizza,’ what does he want more than anything? Pizza!”

  While I completely understand where Masha is coming from, I think this whole way of thinking is B.S.

  I’ve always heard that men (and women) can have sex without emotion or attachment. I don’t believe this. Humans are led by emotion, and who’s to say that one one-night stand couldn’t lead to more? Why even leave the door open for that to happen?

  By letting your man have a “free pass,” you’re opening the floodgates. One night a year? Then what about the other nights he doesn’t tell you about? Because, trust me, there will be other nights.

  If you really think your man is going to stick to just one, you�
�re fooling yourself. You’re better off saying you’re into swinging and swapping and into the group thing than saying you’re cool with him being with someone else for even one night.

  I get it. Men cheat. And this could be a way of dealing with that reality. But I’m not down with just handing my man some condoms with a pat on the back and letting him think it’s okay. I know it may sound cool to be the kind of woman who would allow her man a one-night free pass. But then I have to ask, how much do you really value your relationship? Either I am enough for him, or I’m not.

  If I’m not, then let’s talk about that and go our separate ways.

  I don’t want to be with somebody who feels he needs more.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Ejection:

  “He Cheated. Now What?”

  Ejection: One of several disqualifying actions assessed to a player or coach by a game official, usually for unsportsmanlike conduct. Usually, a warning is given to the offender before he is actually ejected. When the offender is ejected, he must leave the immediate playing area or, in extreme cases, leave the stadium grounds.

  Dice always asks, “Are you really meant to be with just one person for the rest of your life?”

  Who knows? But I’m living this life and we’ll see.

  She’s also always said, “Everybody cheats!”