by Lisa Swann
I kept my phone in my hand and watched the streets go by. It hurt so much… I, who until that point had only had a few gentle little flirtations, was really being hauled over the coals.
Sacha Goodman was the biggest bastard on earth.
I choked back a sob. My phone rang. 'Jess' flashed up on the screen. Was she calling me from Paris? I answered and it felt so good to hear her thin, yet so familiar voice:
– I knew it would end badly with that lawyer… Don’t panic, darling, I’m here! And when I say here, I mean in New York… Her voice was partly drowned out by announcements and a lot of noise.
– What? In New York? What are you talking about? I can’t hear you properly.
– I’ll explain it all in an hour maximum… that's the time it takes to get there from JFK. I’m with my aunt. Wait for us at the door.
I hung up… This whole thing was making me dizzy… I couldn’t think, or even work out what time it was! What was it, half a week since I’d arrived in New York?
When I arrived, I went to the local Starbucks for a coffee and sat on the steps of the building, at the address I had been given, to wait patiently for Jess and her aunt.
When they arrived, Jess and I immediately fell into each other’s arms. And I also kissed my friend’s aunt, who I would have recognised even I’d just walked past her in the street, Jess looked so much like her. The same sense of class, the same natural blond hair, the same mischievous smile. Before I bared my soul, I wanted to understand why Jess was back in her native country – there had been no question of a trip to the United States when we had said goodbye to each other. Furthermore, Jess was from Chicago, not New York. Chicago… Natalia… nothing I could do about it, everything had to remind me of that damn brunette.
Jess explained that her great-aunt had just died and she had taken the first plane so she could go the funeral, which would take place on Tuesday in Chicago. She was going to take the plane with her aunt on Tuesday morning, but assured me I could stay as long as I needed to. I suddenly felt ridiculous with my romantic worries. Seeing my embarrassment, she assured me she was fine, that her great aunt had been old and unwell and was no longer suffering.
Jess and her aunt each took hold of one of my arms and led me inside. The atmosphere became less serious.
– We’ll get you smiling again, said Jess, visibly relieved to be changing the subject. I specialise in mending broken hearts!
The apartment belonging to Mary, Jess’s aunt, was typical of New York architecture from the start of the last century. She lived in a spacious ground-floor apartment, which opened onto a very pretty, tree-lined terrace. Inside, the bricks and wood immediately gave an impression of warmth and conviviality. I felt comfortable straight away. We were a long way from Sacha’s very contemporary loft which, I had to admit, was actually a bit cold.
Mary made some tea and Jess and I settled down on the comfortable sofa in the living room. Jess didn’t need to question me for long. My accumulation of emotions and questions was at the point of overflowing. I told her the whole story in one go, barely pausing for breath between fragments of information and spluttering with anger every time I mentioned his name… Sacha the monster, Sacha the boor, Sacha the manipulator. Oh, he thought he could get away with anything just because he had money and was as handsome as a god… And I was the idiot who hadn’t seen it coming… 'Sir' was enjoying himself. He was enjoying himself… Well he could do it without me!
Jess let me pour my heart out and vent all my pain and anger… in a situation like this I would have loved to curl up in my mother’s arms… she was the only one who could have bandaged my wounds and made all the pain in my life go away. But she was no longer here.
When I had finished, Jess looked me straight in the eye and simply said:
– And you? What do you want? Do you want to show him who Lisa Lanvin really is? Well, you have to see him and tell him the truth to his face. Don’t let yourself be consumed by all this. Life's too short… But don’t sit in a corner moping either. Grab the bull by the horns, Lisa darling.
Jess’s judgment must have been affected by her mourning. I was expecting her to tell me to let it go, that this guy wasn’t worth it, or something like that… I was particularly doubtful, I hadn’t imagined working things out that way. Confront him? To be honest, I had actually been considering avoiding him as much as possible until the Dufresnes returned. Then there would just be a few hours to wait until I went back to France…
– I don’t think I could, Jess… And that would mean showing him how I feel. And I don’t want to do that. No, indifference is the worst kind of contempt, don’t you think?
– I know that’s your way of protecting yourself, Lisa, with what you’ve been through, and I understand that. But there’s no point burying your head in the sand. Sometimes the pain is even worse afterwards…
– Perhaps… I said wearily, not really convinced.
Jess didn’t insist. In any case, she knew full well that I needed a broader perspective. And I was exhausted too. It wasn’t the best time for making decisions.
The next day, she decided we both needed a change of scenery. I called Mr Dufresne to report in sick. Henri Dufresne seemed very busy in Chicago and didn’t ask any questions… It wasn’t something to be proud of, I knew that, but I didn’t feel strong enough to push open the doors of Goodman & Brown. As for the risk of finding myself face to face with Sacha Goodman… it was more than I could cope with.
Jess took me to the Museum of Modern Art, and I was almost carried away by the beauty of certain pieces in this mecca to contemporary art. But although I was doing my best to chase his jade eyes out of my thoughts, everything constantly reminded me of him. In fact, he occupied every tiny little part of my brain, making me feel like the rest of me was on automatic pilot. When I left the MOMA, I had reached the following conclusion: I missed him. I would have liked to feel his hand in mine, and I would have liked him to whisper into my ear and his suave voice to envelop me.
I wanted… I just wanted him to love me. But I wasn’t so stupid as to believe in a great love affair after a few nights, no matter how torrid they had been. Prince Charming who fell from the sky and married Cinderella? Seriously, that didn’t happen every day in real life! But I wanted him to love me a bit at least. Because I was already hooked. How was it possible? I hardly knew him. He had used me and taken advantage of my inexperience.
Was I mad or what? Where had my pride gone? Why was I trampling it underfoot? For a man who didn’t respect me? I had a headache again.
– You miss him, don’t you? Jess was standing in front of me, with a sympathetic smile on her lips. She had always been very good at reading my mind.
– Yes, I think so… I whispered, blushing. But why have I become infatuated with such a bastard?
– You should clear the air, Lisa… go to his house, call him…
– No, never!
The hours passed and we ended our day slightly alcoholically! Jess invited me to a bar, one glass led to another and I ended up drowning my sorrows in brightly-coloured cocktails. One, then two and then a few more, I went through practically the whole cocktail list until I reached the famous Cosmopolitan so enjoyed by TV heroines! I felt sick, my head was spinning horribly and I was stumbling over my words… but I was laughing until my sides hurt. Good-bye Sacha and company. My god that felt good…
We took a taxi back, singing and laughing like two mad women. It was only when we arrived at the entrance to her aunt’s building that Jess seemed to sober up suddenly:
– Shit, she said, that must be him! I had completely forgotten about him!
I glanced casually through the window and saw him, sitting on the steps… He was wearing jeans and a polo t-shirt. Bloody hell, he was handsome. He seemed distressed.
I gulped and tried to fit the puzzle back together, but the alcohol fumes were fogging up my brain…
– What is he doing here, Jess? I said.
– I called him this
afternoon… it’s not hard to find the number for Goodman & Brown, she said as she paid the driver. And I was very persuasive in getting past the ranks of secretaries, she added, sounding satisfied. Don’t look at me with those big round eyes. I’m doing you a favour here. The only snag is that I hadn’t planned on us coming back from this trip a bit tipsy…
– Completely pissed, you mean! Jess, what am I going to say to him?
But she was already out of the car and going to meet Sacha. Oh my god! What a mess I’d got myself into. I tried to catch a glimpse of myself in the rear view mirror to check my appearance, although I was sure I didn’t look great, but the only thing I could see in the mirror was the driver’s inquiring look. Of course, he wanted to leave; I mumbled an excuse and got out of the vehicle as best I could. Jess was going inside with her aunt. He was coming towards me, with a questioning look on his face. He was staring at my feet.
I walked past him, standing up very straight:
– That’s right, I’m not wearing peels!
He looked at me, increasingly dumbfounded:
– Peels?
– Heels, I said!
– My god Liz, you’re not walking straight and you’re completely drunk! He grabbed me by the shoulders.
– Not at all! I’ve just had one or two drinks, I said, pulling away. I tried to talk as slowly as possible and articulate clearly. Fortunately, his presence had sobered me up a bit. What’s wrong? Do you still want to 'enjoy yourself'? (Thank god I got that sentence out without mispronouncing it).
– Liz… I understand you’re cross, although it’s very rude to read other people’s emails… (was he trying to make a joke?) But it’s not what you think…
– Blah blah blah, blah blah blah… I muttered like a little girl.
– Good God Liz, I’ve spent two dreadful days wondering where you could have got to (his voice had slowly become stronger). I sent Steven round all the hotels. I was worried sick.
– Well that’s just great! (I was completely sober by now and I was furious.) You sent your driver to look for me, that was the extent of your concern! I don’t need you to act like my father, ok? I’ve already got one of those. On the other hand, if you want to replace my mother, the position's vacant… I almost shouted as I hurried towards the door.
Obviously I missed the first step. I easily lost control (and my balance) even when I hadn’t been drinking, so with a few drinks inside me…
Sacha ran to help me back up. His warm hand enveloped mine and he pulled me up firmly so I could stand on my own two feet.
– Liz, I’m sorry…
– What are you sorry about? I was almost snivelling.
– I’m sorry about your mother, I didn’t know… I’m sorry about everything, all the rest. What I wrote to Natalia doesn’t mean anything to me…
– Have you slept with her? I interrupted. (Why the hell had I asked that question? Instead of bringing the discussion back to him and me, I was giving into the worst kind of jealousy.)
– Er, yes a few times… but that’s not what we’re talking about. Natalia is a very good friend, I don’t want her involved in this.
– Well well… do you sleep with anything that moves? A click of the fingers, a quick helicopter ride and it’s a done deal, is it? It’s so easy for you!
– Yes Liz, it‘s easy for me. I’ve got a whole host of girls who would do anything to be in my bed and who wouldn’t ask any questions, whatever I said, whatever I did and whatever I wrote. So if I’m putting myself out for an extremely complicated little French girl... well that means I don’t always go for the easy solution!
Bullseye. I have to admit, I was speechless…
I no longer had any desire to fight. His hand was still gripping mine, his lips were so close to mine. When our mouths came together, a shiver ran down my spine, from the nape of my neck to the tips of my toes. Sacha, Sacha, Sacha… I could have repeated his name all night long. I turned my head and saw the limousine in front of us.
– Let’s go, whispered Sacha…
– But I have to say good-bye to Jess and get my things… and I don’t have a hotel.
– Don’t worry about all that…
I turned my head; Jess and Mary were coming towards us to kiss me goodbye, and Steven, who had already collected my suitcase, was putting it in the boot of the car. The hotel? I didn’t ask any more questions. Was Sacha implying that I would move into his apartment until I went back to Paris? I squeezed his hand a bit harder. I expressly didn’t want to think about going back to Paris.
I didn’t even notice the journey back to Greenwich Village. I sank into Sacha’s arms and fell asleep two blocks from Jess’s aunt’s apartment. I still had a few drinks to sleep off.
I woke up the next morning with an unbelievable headache. I was naked in Sacha’s bed. I got up and went straight to the kitchen, feeling uninhibited. In the middle of the marble work-surface was a glass full of a slightly opaque substance, with a Post-It note stuck above it saying 'for your hangover!' I smiled then drank down in one gulp what tasted like aspirin, suppressing a grimace of disgust. The aroma of fresh coffee had invaded the room and I was approaching the cafetière to pour myself a cup when Sacha clattered into the kitchen:
– Ah, there you are, and in the perfect outfit as well.
I jumped and turned round:
– Don’t shout, I’ve got a bit of a headache…
He was dressed in a three-piece suit. It was clearly made-to-measure and hung off him perfectly. I blushed at my incongruous nudity.
– Er, I’ll just go and put on a bathrobe.
– No you won’t, you’ll stay here. I haven’t finished with you. He looked at his watch. I have to be in the office in 45 minutes at most. It would be good if you could come too today… if you’ve recovered from yesterday’s contagious illness, of course? He said, giving me a funny look.
– Yes, yes, of course I’ll come…
He continued as if I hadn’t spoken.
– So, that gives me enough time to give you the punishment you deserve…
I stared at him wide-eyed.
He approached me, and I stepped back instinctively and felt the marble against my back. Was he joking or was he serious?
– Young lady (he was talking to me as if I were 15 and he were 50!), I have to tell you that I won’t put up with this kind of behaviour again, he said, standing in front of me. He pushed my legs apart with his foot. No more childishness and unexplained escapes, ok? He pinched one of my nipples as he finished his sentence. He had a lustful look on his face which spoke volumes about his intentions.
– But, er… I…
– Shhh! You’re not allowed to talk. You only have the right to come… if you deserve it.
His fingers were tracing circles around my breasts. He was so close to me, I could feel his erection through his very expensive trousers. He stepped back and said in a voice which would allow no protests: 'Suck me!'
I slid along the work surface and knelt down on the floor, my nose level with his flies. The vision of Sacha in a suit and me completely naked on the kitchen floor was particularly exciting. I opened his zip, unfastened his belt and admired the extent of his arousal. I started with a small licking motion, then quickly increased the speed, my hand running up and down his marbled penis while I tongued the tip. My other hand was massaging his balls, one after the other. Then I stuffed his rod fully into my mouth and sucked diligently, trying to concentrate as hard as possible. Soon, he withdrew from my mouth and ordered me to lie on my stomach on the work surface. I complied. The marble didn’t cool me down, I was already hot and dilated all over. He grabbed my butt in his hands and pulled my cheeks apart, hard yet very casually. I let out a small cry, slightly embarrassed at being this exposed.
– That’s the most beautiful view of a butt I’ve ever seen, he quipped…
He lay down on top of me and spread my feet a bit more with his, which were still wearing shoes… I pushed myself up onto my elbow
s to raise myself from the marble and he took the opportunity to clasp my breasts in his hands… I couldn’t see his face but he seemed extremely aroused. His penis pushed up against me every time he massaged my breasts. Then suddenly, with one finger, he opened the way for his rod and penetrated me, first slowly and then with one sharp movement. I fell back flat onto the marble. He withdrew slowly then penetrated me again sharply. I felt as if I were being pierced right through. I was gasping for breath. Then he grabbed my hair and pulled it backwards, so that I had to arch my back inordinately… I felt like a dislocated doll. He was still thrusting in and out with the same force, but unhurriedly, pounding me as if he were hitting me. He punctuated each thrust with a 'no more disappearances, you understand?' I muttered 'Yes, I promise' in a muffled voice between moans. He emptied himself into me with several enraged shouts of “You understand!” We got our breath back.
– Bloody hell, Liz, you really have got one of the loveliest butts I’ve ever seen. But don’t ever do that to me again. I won’t forgive you twice.
I turned over and took his head in my hands. There wasn’t a hint of anger in his eyes now.
– I didn’t think it would get you so worked up, to be honest. I’m sorry I acted like a little girl. I kissed him gently on his eyelids, his temples, his chin, his lips… I won’t go off again without telling you, I promise. Have... have you… what I mean is... have you ever been abandoned by a woman before? I hardly dared venture onto this dangerous territory. And I regretted it immediately. He bristled.
– I don’t want to talk about that. Then, in a falsely jolly voice, come on Miss Lanvin, time to get ready, you have two days’ absence to catch up!
During the morning, I sent a quick text message to Jess to remind her I was there for her and check they had arrived safely in Chicago. She replied with, 'He’s in love with you, it’s so obvious', which was completely off-topic. That was just like Jess… I burst out laughing behind the computer which had been made available for me. The Dufresnes were due to return in time for lunch. Then it would be time to start thinking about going home… Two days. There were just two days left. I immediately forced myself to think about something else. I had work to catch up on, which was fortunate.