by R W Sowrider
“Juno ?! Don’t be ridiculous! I don’t need another cow. Especially one of your boneless-ham cows. No, that won’t do at all.”
“Well, what else is there for my favorite possession? My gladius sword? My leather toga? My home?!”
A sinister smile emerged on Francesco’s face as the optimal solution occurred to him. “Nope. None of those even come close to your favorite possession.”
“Well, what is it then?”
Francesco shifted his gaze to the seat next to Rowen. “Sera.”
“What?! Sera isn’t my favorite possession. I mean, tomorrow she’ll become my wife and I will cherish her more than anything else in this world, but she’s not my possession. She’s a human being.”
Francesco laughed, condescendingly. “Of course she’s your possession. Or will be from tomorrow, anyway.”
“Now you’re being foolish.”
Francesco flicked his hand in the air and at once Gilgamesh was at his shoulder. “Gilgamesh, as of tomorrow, will Sera be Rowen’s possession?”
Without hesitation, Gilgamesh weighed in, beginning with a vigorous nod of his head. “I’m sorry to say it, Mr. Rowen, but women are indeed possessions. I traded my second wife for a goat.”
Rowen shook his head in disbelief as Gilgamesh took a step back to his station. “I just … there’s no way … how on … just no … ”
“Okay, okay,” Francesco replied, conciliatorily. “I’m sure we can find a compromise.”
Rowen’s unibrow raised in hope.
“How about a share?” Francesco proposed. “Thursday evenings through Saturday mornings she’s with you, Saturday evenings to Thursday mornings she’s mine. Fair enough, yes?”
While Francesco and Rowen were debating the compensation, Sera had stood up and made her way to the platform next to the main table.
Rowen’s mother slid over to the seat next to him. “It looks like your lovely bride is about to address everyone.”
“We’ll continue this discussion later,” Francesco said.
“Ladies and gentleman,” Sera began. “Thank you all so much for joining us on this joyful occasion. I’m thrilled and honored to have you all here.”
There was a round of applause as everyone expressed their appreciation. Sera surveyed the room, smiling at all the guests and then at Rowen and his family.
“The kind welcome that everyone has afforded me, particularly Rowen’s beautiful mother and gracious father, has been overwhelming. I could not be happier or more grateful.”
Rowen’s mother leaned over to him. “She’s such a sweet girl.”
“I am so happy that tomorrow I will be the wife of such a wonderful, thoughtful, caring man. And I wish I could continue to gush on and on, but at the same time I’m extremely sad.”
A collective gasp rippled through the party.
“The reason for this is that Apollo’s wrath is nigh. Tomorrow, there will be a volcanic eruption so disastrous that this city and everyone in it will be wiped out of existence. Instead of celebrating, we should be fleeing. I urge everyone here to evacuate immediately if you cherish your loved ones and want to live. ”
A hush fell over the crowd.
“Thank you,” Sera finished.
As she walked back toward her seat, Francesco erupted in laughter and in flash all those in attendance were chuckling and clinking glasses.
“To doomsday!” they said playfully before downing their drinks.
Rowen’s mother once again leaned into him. “She really is priceless, isn’t she?”
Rowen blushed. “Yup,” he replied, bursting with pride. “She’s quite a catch.”
***
“Are you sure I should be doing this?” Rowen asked Francesco on their way to the Classy Cat after the rehearsal feast had ended.
“Of course,” Francesco replied, emphatically. “It’s your last night of freedom. Your last night as a bachelor.”
“So that means that this is my last visit?”
“Of course not, fool. We can go anytime. But tonight is special.”
“Welcome, gentleman!” the charismatic hostess said as they entered the reception area. “How are you doing this evening?”
“Fantastic,” Francesco replied. “Tomorrow, my good friend here will be making an honest man of himself, so tonight we are in the mood to rejoice.”
“Then you have come to the right place.”
“I don’t suppose that the ‘Wolf Girl’ is on duty tonight, is she?”
The hostess’ eyes lit up. “As luck, or perhaps destiny, would have it, she is. Clearly, the Gods favor you on the eve of such an auspicious day. Lyciska has been here all day and is in just the right mood to help mark the occasion. Right this way, gentlemen. ”
Francesco and Rowen could barely contain their excitement as they followed the hostess down the long corridor to the special suite at the very end.
The mural above the door depicted the she-wolf on top of one man, underneath another, and engaged with still others in the head, hands, and feet areas.
A fiery growl echoed down the hall as the gentlemen entered the room, and the noises did not let up for a solid hour. It was as if a drunken bull had been let loose in a china shop until Rowen and Francesco finally emerged utterly satisfied and utterly exhausted.
“Come again, boys,” the sultry voice of Lyciska purred as they made their way back down the hall toward reception.
As they exited the establishment upon settling their bill, they caught a glimpse of a piercingly bright light flashing at the entrance to Lyciska’s chamber.
***
“Empress,” Apollo said, genuflecting before Lyciska and clutching her hand with his. “Your wish is my command. Just tell me what I can do for you and it shall be done!”
Lyciska jumped back, startled by the sudden appearance.
“What is it, my dove?” Apollo asked in confused concern.
Lyciska looked the luminous being up and down. She had never seen him before, but clearly, she was face to face with a God. One with an exceedingly handsome face and a chiseled body to boot.
But there was something off-putting about him. Something downright repulsive.
She wasn’t sure whether it was his eyes bulging with a kind of desperate intensity, or the tone of his voice, grating and strident, or the words oozing from his mouth, but she was thoroughly disgusted. “What do you want?! ”
“Do not be silly, my love. I want you. I burn for you. You are the most beautiful creature I have ever seen. What can I do to have you? Just this one night?”
“Sorry, business hours are over. Why don’t you come back tomorrow and someone else can help you?”
“What do you mean?” Apollo pleaded. “I want you. Only you. I’ll do anything.”
“Well, I’m sorry, pal. You can’t have me.”
Apollo was dumbfounded. “What do you mean? What about this establishment? This is a … any paying customer can have you, no?”
“I’m not sure where you’re getting your information, but I’m afraid that’s not correct.”
“But … but I watched you all day today. You screwed half the adult males in this city.”
Lyciska gave a satisfied yet humble all-in-a-day’s-work shrug of her shoulders.
Apollo shook his head in disbelief. “And not just the patricians, you were giving it up to plebeians. I even noticed a few slaves go through who you didn’t even charge.”
“Those who offer added value don’t necessarily have to pay in coinage. You could learn a thing or two from them.”
“And you just allowed those two schmucks to spit-roast you!”
“Hey! Rowen is getting married tomorrow. It was a special night!”
Apollo took a deep breath before looking up at Lyciska, his eyes moistening and lips quivering. “But I don’t even care about that. I just … you’re so lovely. Please. Please just let me have you just once. Just missionary, that’s all!”
Lyciska kicked him in the groin. Hard. �
�Beat it, creep!” she said, standing over him as he writhed in pain on the floor, clutching his family jewels. “I already told you, no, and that’s that.”
Lyciska gathered her belongings as Apollo struggled to his feet, his teeth clenched and face now trembling with anger. “You’re gonna pay for this!” he said. “You and everyone else in this filthy, wretched, utterly immoral town!”
“Don’t you ever show your face around here again, you sick creep!” she said, making her way out the door.
“Tomorrow!” Apollo screamed. “You and everyone else in this sinful town will die a slow, painful, torturous death. If you don’t come back here and give yourself to me right now, that is your fate.”
Lyciska stopped dead in her tracks as the gravity of Apollo’s words sunk in.
Very carefully, she weighed the two options.
Surrender her body to this repulsive, needling try-hard of a God or condemn the 15,000 people of Pompeii to their deaths.
With great certainty in her decision, she strode the fuck out of there.
***
At a little past noon the next day, the city of Pompeii shook violently as Mt. Vesuvius erupted.
A column of molten rock spewed high into the sky as torrents of lava began flowing down the mountain, devouring everything in the way.
The sky quickly filled with ash, blotting out the sun. Day had become night.
The people of Pompeii flew into a panic as a slow and steady shower of ash began falling on them.
The darkness grew thicker and darker than any night they had ever experienced. Night had become nightmare.
It was mass hysteria as everyone gathered their families and tried to get as far away from Mt. Vesuvius as possible.
“Come on, my love,” Rowen said to Sera. “We have to run if we are to survive.”
“High tail it, woman,” Francesco added. “I’ll not go to my grave because you’re too dainty to run!”
Sera was clearly annoyed. “Okay, so now you wanna flee?!”
“Yes, honey,” Rowen said, desperately. “We must run for it if we are to have a chance.”
“It’s way too late. Unless you’re just looking to get some exercise in before we die.”
Despite Sera’s absolute certainty that they were doomed, she gave in and ran alongside Rowen and Francesco, and their families and slaves.
“We should be having a goodbye feast,” Sera announced as they fled. “One last meal with good drink where we can all say our peace before meeting our makers.”
“Pipe down and keep moving,” Francesco replied. “This is all your fault. If you really knew this was gonna happen, you should’ve told us in a more straightforward manner. Everyone thought you were joking, trying to add a little spice to the wedding. That kinda thing.”
Sera rolled her eyes. “You’ve gotta be kidding me!”
“Now now, let’s not go pointing fingers,” Rowen replied. “If anything, it’s that wicked Empress Valeria’s fault. The chickens have come home to roost. All of the rumors about her sexual promiscuity must certainly be true.” Rowen winked at Francesco. “And now the Gods are punishing us all.”
As Sera had predicted, fleeing was futile. The shower of ash had become an unyielding downpour and the darkness grew thicker and thicker.
As they trudged through the ash, they came across a man standing in the middle of the road laughing manically. The man was practically buried with only the whites of his eyes being visible.
“I told you the end was nigh!” he shouted. “But did anyone listen?! Nay! …”
“Zeus’ taint!” Francesco screamed. “It’s the ‘the End is Nigh’ guy. I can’t stand that filthy vagrant. If we’re gonna go out, let’s at least spend our last moments on Earth doing something enjoyable. Gilgamesh, get this party started with a kick to his back!”
And so it was that Francesco, Gilgamesh, and a handful of other male slaves met their demise. Covered in ash while mercilessly beating a crazy, or perhaps not so crazy, homeless man as Rowen looked on pondering the morality of it.
Verixion VI
“Is the light of the world finally flicking back on again?” Delemor said sarcastically as Rowen slowly came to opposite the luminous crocodile-faced God.
As Rowen blinked his eyes groggily, out of the corner of his eye, he saw what appeared to be an elephant sitting cross-legged about an arm’s length away from him.
“Well?” Delemor boomed. “Are you up yet or not?!”
“I’m up, I’m up,” Rowen replied in haste as the image of a snake sinking its fangs deep into his leg flittered through his mind.
“Well? What do you think?” Delemor asked, beginning the usual post-life review. “How did you do?”
Rowen wracked his brain for memories of the life he had just lived. “I don’t know. I think I tried my best to be a good person, but … I don’t know. I tried to really give thought to every ethical issue that presented itself but … I don’t know.”
“Quit saying you don’t know, you mouth-breather. If there’s one thing everyone in Verixion knows, it’s that you don’t know shit.”
“I’m sorry. I just … I feel like I really tried to think about and debate the difficult moral questions of the day, but I feel like that’s all I did. I don’t think I was able to conclude one way or the other, and even when I did, I don’t think I was able to do anything about it.”
Delemor chuckled. “Yup. All talk and no action. And mildly entertaining at best. I’ll tell you what I did like: I liked that questioning of the Gods bit that you and your boyfriend pulled.”
The memory slowly came back to Rowen. “Oh, you mean when we were traveling to Delphi and Francesco brought up the topic of whether Gods exist or not?”
“That’s the one,” Delemor said, laughing. “That’s a great way to get yourself pulverized by lightning.”
“Really?”
“Oh yeah,” Delemor replied, leaning toward Rowen, a glint in his reptilian eye. “If someone up here had been in a bad mood or was just waiting for a reason to smite you, that was more than enough.”
“Well, I guess we lucked out then.”
“Not only you, but your friends and family, your community, your entire civilization,” Delemor continued excitedly. “Questioning the existence of superior beings is tantamount to requesting a famine, flood, and genital wart pandemic all rolled into one.”
“Wow, I had no idea.”
Rowen heard the hiss of Delemor’s serpent tail beneath the table.
“I’m sorry,” he cried. “I know that you know that I know nothing. I’m just surprised that such calamity could come from questioning something. I was under the impression that questioning everything was a good idea. Really investigating everything, putting conscious thought into everything, to make sure that what one was doing was the right thing.”
Delemor glared at Rowen. “It all depends. Questioning whether you should insert your penis into a glory hole is probably a good thing for you personally. But questioning whether divine beings – who can crush you like a bug without even batting an eyelash – exist is probably not a good thing for you or anyone inhabiting the same continent as you.”
“Oh my God! Was that what caused the eruption? Was it that conversation between Francesco and I?”
“No, but as I say, it could have been. And frankly, your attitude is getting on my nerves.”
Rowen’s eyes widened in fear and confusion. He had no idea what attitude of his was irritating Delemor. “I don’t mean to be rude, I’m just trying to learn if our free thinking was the cause of the catastrophe.”
“Your free thinking ?” Delemor clenched his jagged, razor-sharp teeth and leaned in close to Rowen. Rowen’s heart pounded rapidly as he felt Delemor’s hot breath on his cheek and neck.
“You think questioning the Gods makes you a free thinker?!” Delemor said in a low, measured tone.
“No. I’m sorry.”
“I’ll tell you what it makes you. It makes you an arro
gant, ignorant, wretched little abomination.”
As Delemor breathed the word ‘abomination,’ Rowen felt the familiar sting of the serpent sinking its fangs deep into his thigh. Rowen practically leapt out of his body as he screamed in pain.
When Delemor finally sat back into his throne, the serpent retracted its fangs and slithered underneath the table. “You don’t ever question Us.”
As the pain subsided, Rowen realized that he was more clueless on the topic now than before it had even come up. “I’m very sorry.”
“That’s right. That’s the tune you wanna be singing. If I have to put up with any more of your disrespect, I will sentence you to the 7th Circle of Hell without even thinking twice. Do you have any idea what the 7th Circle is like?”
Rowen recalled his last visit to Verixion when Aphrodite had showed him some footage of Hell. “I think I saw a clip of the 4th Circle last time. It was horrible.”
“Well the 7th Circle makes the 4th look like a kindergarten playground.”
“I’m very sorry. I won’t do it again.”
“Damn right you won’t.”
“But may I ask what did cause the eruption?”
“No.”
Rowen looked down, unsure of how to proceed. Suddenly, the feeling of being watched was overwhelming and he jerked his head to the side where he indeed saw an enormous elephant sitting cross-legged, quietly observing the back-and-forth.
The luminous pinkish-purple being had six arms, a radiant pearl fixed in the center of its forehead, and a few wisps of white hair on the crown of its head.
Curiously enough, perched on the elephant’s pot belly was a pug.
Without warning, Delemor burst out laughing. “I’m just kidding,” he said. “You may ask me the question. That’s just a bit I do where when someone asks me if they can ask me something, I reject them, unilaterally. I just say ‘no.’ Flat out ‘no.’ Conversation over. Isn’t that hilarious?!”
Once again unsure of how to proceed, Rowen smiled politely as Delemor’s laughter trailed off.