Callie's Secret

by T. Jones

  She tried not to panic, but suddenly the room felt much hotter, and began to spin. She stood quickly and the rattle fell to the floor as she lunged past the other surprised guests and ran from the room. She hurried to her car, climbed in, and started the engine, then cracked her windows and turned the AC on full blast. She fell asleep for a few minutes, dreaming of Greg and that damn cat. Greg was smiling happily and singing as he skipped away, leading the cat by its sparkling blue collar, over a hill and out of sight. She woke up when Holly pounded on the glass of her side door. She asked if she was alright, because Jenny was concerned. She sat in the car for another ten minutes, then went back inside. Her stomach hurt, filled with a growing knot of despair.

  Sunday morning, wearing a blue skirt and a white blouse, Callie stood waiting for her parents to come down from their bedroom. Her father walked down first, fussing with the same old tie that he wore to church every week. He paused half way down the steps, raised an eyebrow, then descended the rest of the way. Callie laughed a little at his expression.

  "Don't get all excited, Dad. I'm not ready to be a damn missionary. But I guess it wouldn't kill me to go to Church with you guys once in a while."

  "That's not quite the spiritual zeal I would hope for, but it's a start, Princess." He kissed her cheek and despite herself, she blushed a little.

  "Don't tell Richie. He still thinks I'm the spawn of Satan, and that's a good thing." Callie's mother joined them, acting like it was just a normal Sunday, not the first time her daughter had been to church in four years. Callie sat between them and her father rested his arm on the pew behind her. She noticed and smiled slightly at her Mom, who just winked at her.

  Callie worked all week at the hardware store. She hoped that settling back into a routine would take away some of the fear that nagged at her constantly. She had stopped taking the Ambien because it made her feel groggy all day. She drove by Abby's house and saw that it was dark and had a rental sign in front of it. She missed the woman's touch. She was glad that it looked closed up, so she wasn't tempted to knock. She tried painting but it reminded her of Abby as well. Most nights she gave up and went to Jenny's. Jenny's stomach was growing and she delighted in rubbing it constantly. When the baby kicked she insisted that Callie feel it, but it never seemed to happen at the right time and she always missed it.

  *****

  Callie got up at five o'clock Saturday morning. She had the day off from the hardware. Sleeping in wasn't an option, she could barely sleep at all. The feeling that she was being watched had returned. She could feel the eyes, each a separate set, yet all combined somehow. It felt like they were peering into her, searching in her mind, watching, waiting. She thought about talking to her parents about it. Was she going over the proverbial edge? Were these the guilt wracked delusions of a person about to completely lose touch with reality? She didn't think so. Like the dreams, there was something that told her that this feeling was based in fact. She couldn't say how she knew that she was being observed, just that she was. But not by eyes, that was too simple, and the wrong word. There were minds watching her, a small crowd of minds, entering her own, speaking to her, without words, telling her to get into her car. She decided to listen. She showered and dressed, then left her parents a note. She got in her Camry and drove to the interstate, then turned east and drove into Minneapolis.

  It took a long time to find parking. She walked a mile, finally reaching the University grounds just after eleven in the morning. She didn't know what she was doing, why she was there, just that the voices in her head told her to come. Someone or something was waiting for her, and the voices, or some insanity whipped up in her sleep deprived brain, told her that. She needed to be here today. Exactly where or why were both mysteries. She sat on a bench with a book for a while, feeling foolish and wishing her hallucinations would be more specific. Then she started walking around the campus, looking at the buildings where she might soon be attending class. By four in the afternoon she was ready to give up. She went to a food court and bought two hotdogs and a soda. She sat at one of the tables next to the vendor's window. She would eat, then go home and spend the evening at Jenny's house. When she finished her second hot dog she looked up and saw her, and knew this was the reason for her trip. The woman of her dreams, more specifically, the woman in her dreams. Callie knew it was the woman in the dark alleyway, the one always tugging at her arm.

  She was very tall, close to six feet. She had jet black hair that was pulled back loosely and cascaded half way down her back in gentle waves. Callie couldn't see her face, but she knew her eyes were as dark as her hair and that she had dark heavy eyebrows and a long nose with a crook half way along that made her eyes appear slightly uneven. Her skin was dark, but oddly colored, and Callie wondered about her ethnicity. When she turned around Callie saw that she wore a dark shade of lipstick, and that it had smudged slightly over her generous lips. The woman turned and looked around at the empty tables, as if choosing a place to sit. Callie's heart raced. She nearly jumped from her seat, calling loudly to the woman.

  "You can join me if you'd like, I'm bored, and I'm alone." The woman smiled and put her food down on Callie's table. She put her sunglasses next to the tray and settled onto the bench. She made it look graceful, like floating, rather than just taking a seat. She wore a light gray shirt that was sleeveless. Her arms were long and supple looking, like a tennis player, but when she put the tray down, Callie could see the muscles rolling under her dark skin. She reached out a hand and Callie noticed two small tattoos on her forearm as she took it. Her hand was warm and comfortable. Callie looked into her eyes. They were dark brown, not black like she had first thought, a rich shade of chocolate brown. She looked back into Callie's eyes, holding her gaze as she released her grip. Callie smiled nervously. "Hi, I'm Callie Fisher."

  "Hi Callie. Danielle. My goodness, you have beautiful eyes. Are you doing summer session here?" She unwrapped her sandwich and picked at the edges.

  "I'm just here for the day, looking around. I'm pretty sure I'm coming down this fall, I'll be a freshman. But the whole place is kind of intimidating, I might chicken out."

  "Oh, it's not a big deal. You'll find your way around in no time. I've spent a lot of time here and it's pretty easy. The school does an initiation program that's good, makes it easier."

  "I'm from a small town, west central. I have, you know, ties there, it's going to be hard to leave. I really haven't decided what I'm going to do yet."

  "Some guy thing?" Danielle chuckled and shook her head. Callie shrugged, she was done hiding, that was the point of this trip.

  "No guys for me, more of a girl thing." The woman smiled warmly at Callie.

  "The plot thickens, I'm more of a girl's girl myself."

  "You're really beautiful, I suppose you have a girlfriend."

  "Are you flirting with me? We just met." Callie seized the opportunity.

  "Funny, seems to me like I've known you for a while now, like I've seen you before."

  "Wow. Do those lines work where you're from?"

  "No, but I'm trying, what can I say." Callie laughed and watched silently as the woman suddenly devoured her sandwich in a few large bites. She crumples up the wrapper with her large, strong hands and stood up. Callie frowned. "Sorry you can't stick around."

  "I have a thing, something important going on. I wish I could stay for a bit. It was nice to meet you Callie Fisher. You should go and talk to that girlfriend, seems like you have a decision to make. If you do come to school here, look me up. I love this food stand, they have a lot of good stuff. I stop in here most days around this time."

  "Is that how big city girls flirt?"

  "Caught me." The tall woman laughed. "I hope I'm going to see you and those wonderful eyes of yours again soon, Callie. Take care." Callie sat watching her walk away. It had been a long drive for a very short conversation. But the voices in her head seemed satisfied, she was alone with her thoughts. Would she and the tall woman end up in that alley
someday? Did she have a choice? Could she change what she was sure was coming? She tossed her trash in the can nearby and started the walk back to her car. It was time to talk to Jenny.

  Callie got back from Minneapolis just after six. She showered and grabbed her toothbrush. She went down the stairs, intending to go right to Jenny's, but saw her mother sitting at the kitchen table. She dropped into the chair across from her. She sat biting her lip for a minute until her mother looked at her quizzically.

  "So, I'm going to tell Jenny tonight, that I'm gay."

  "It's probably time."

  "Maybe, but it's not going to be easy." Callie sat for a minute. "Mom, I'm not sure I want to go to the Cities anymore. What would you say if I stayed and went to school here for a couple of years, until I decide what I want to do?"

  "You've always been so dead set against that, what changed your mind? Is it because of Jenny?"

  "That and I'm probably just scared I guess. I didn't ever think I'd miss this shit hole of a town, but I will. And I would like to help Jen with the baby."

  "I can't say what you should do Callie. But it isn't the moon, it's only three hours away, some people actually commute daily."

  "I know, and Travis is going to St. Thomas, so we could hang out."

  "Talk to Jenny. You know we all want you here, but you need to do what's best for you. Jenny acts like a ditz most of the time, but there are some surprising things under that red mop. She's stronger than you think Cal. She'll miss you, but she'll be okay, if that's what you're worried about."

  Now that she had decided to confess things to Jenny, Callie was getting nervous. She knocked on the Mconvil's door and ran up the steps to Jenny's room, screwing up her nerve as she went. Jenny lay on her bed, reading a magazine. Her laptop was open next to her. She smiled when Callie walked in. "Hi Cal, Netflix came out with some new stuff today. And I found some cute blue outfits. I think it's going to be a boy! Holy shit, how am I going to afford all this stuff?" Callie sat on the edge of the bed and looked at the magazine. Why the hell did everything have to be that same shade of blue? Why the hell had she stopped that night? It was just a Goddamn cat. The unreasonable fear gripped her again and she slid down onto the floor with her back against the bed, her resolve weakening. Jenny ran her hand lightly thru her hair, stroking her shoulder. "You okay Callie? You've been kind of off lately, if I didn't know better, I'd say you’re the one that's pregnant."

  "No chance of that Jen," Callie steeled herself. "You have to like guys, at least a little bit, to get pregnant."

  "Well, you've always been the smart one. Guys suck most of the time. And I'm going to end up with stretch marks." Jenny had gone back to her magazine, flipping pages nonchalantly.

  "Jenny," Callie turned around and kneeled, leaning toward the redhead. "Did you hear what I just said, did you get what I meant?"

  "What, that you don't like guys? Callie, I knew you were gay a long time ago. You look at my butt more than a whole troop of horny boy scouts. I never did believe that crap about some secret boyfriend. I'm gullible, but come on." Callie laughed at her.

  "You are something else, you know that? Jen?" Jenny looked at her, radiant and warm. Callie couldn't stop herself and she didn't want to. It all seemed so perfect. She stretched out a little and put her lips on Jenny's, kissing her for a few seconds. Surprisingly Jenny slid her hand around the back of her head, and kissed her back, holding the kiss for a long time. Callie sat back, looking hard at Jenny, trying to slow her heart rate and decide what to say. Jenny laughed lightly, looking at her laptop again.

  "You taste nice Callie." She winked at Callie. "Little secret, I spend a fair amount of time looking at your butt, too." Callie slid back down and put her back to the bed, her heart crashing against her ribs. She didn't dare to look at her friend.

  "I don't want to go Jen, to the Cities I mean. I want to stay here with you, and help you. I can go to the community college, and see what happens after that. Jenny, I care a lot about you. I mean, kind of in a romantic way, you know?"

  "Well, if you like your girls big, stick around, there's getting to be more of me to love every day. But you still should go Callie. I was serious when we were there the other day, you're bigger than this stupid town. You can call every day, and we can skype. And you can come home a lot and see us, baby Greg and me."

  "But I want to help you Jen, and you know, spend time with you, and maybe be with you, as more than best friends, you know?"

  "Callie Fisher, you're actually blushing." Callie buried her face in her hands, laughing. "Go to the Cities, Callie. I'll be here. I never could resist those crazy blue eyes of yours, and who knows, maybe someday fate will make us more than just friends. Right now, I have to just be a Mom to this baby for a while. But honestly, it isn't like it's never occurred to me before, you and me, I mean. I don't kiss Holly or any other girls on the lips the way I do you. I won't say it could never happen, maybe that is our fate."

  "I don't trust fate, Jenny. I think that bitch hates me. But thanks for --- not freaking out about this. I can't believe I finally told you, especially about my girly crush on you." Jenny laughed and slid over on the bed, pressing buttons on her laptop.

  "Okay, get up here and let's watch this movie. And stop looking at my butt, I swear all this baby weight is going straight back there."

  Telling Jenny, both about being gay and her feelings for her, made Callie feel as if some giant weight was lifted from her shoulders. It was like Jenny to make it easy on her. She wasn't sure if Jenny meant what she said, that someday might come for them. The fact that she even left the door open was encouraging, and enough for now. Abby had claimed that she never thought of having sex with a woman before Callie, and then she did. Maybe Jenny would do the same. It didn't seem unreasonable that the redhead might succumb to her charms, as Abby had. And it didn't have to end badly. She loved Jenny. She had cared about Abby, but from the beginning it had been about satisfying Callie's need to find a woman to sleep with. Jenny was different, the feelings came first, and seemed more important. Perhaps she could be with Jenny, and not hurt her the way she had Abby, not destroy her life.

  *****

  Travis told her he was going back to Texas for a couple weeks. He had been stopping by the hardware a lot. She knew he was nervous about going off to school, just as she was. She decided she needed to talk to him as well. The Thursday night before he was supposed to leave, she invited him out to dinner, Applebee's, her treat. He picked her up in his beater truck, his hair combed for once, and actually opened the door for her. She laughed it off. "Chester, you know this isn't a date, right? Just hanging."

  "Yeah, yeah. Just get in, Shorty." They talked about school on the way to the restaurant, then got a table in the back in a quiet corner. After they ordered and got their drinks, Travis prayed quickly. "You're welcome to bow your head with me, Callie."

  "If that's better for you, no skin off my nose. But I don't plan on any praying." She watched Travis cross himself, then shook her head at him. "I don't get all that, don't think I ever will."

  "That's okay I guess. I highly recommend it, but you’re a good person, that's what matters, right?" Callie extended a hand.

  "Hi, I don't think we've met, my names Callie Fisher, all round nasty bitch most of the time." He laughed and ignored her hand. "So, Chester. Are we going to hang out in the big city? We'll only be a few miles away from each other."

  "The college says we're supposed to make new friends and all that stuff, but yeah, of course we'll hang out. I'm guessing there'll be plenty of parties. Are you going to party a little more down there? Any would be more, and you only go to college once."

  "Maybe, we'll see. I don't plan to get too crazy. The U costs a shit pile of money, and I don't want to piss away everything my parents have."

  "That's the good part about a private college, I got a bunch of scholarships from the school. But my dad and I made a deal, if I don't get good grades I'm heading back to the farm. Then it's the Vo-tech and I get
to learn about fertilizer and shit. That was a pun, by the way."

  "Shitty pun. You're smart as heck, Chester, you'll be fine. Going back to Texas, huh? Leave some little cowgirl down there?"

  "What, are you jealous?" He winked at her. "Actually, I'm going to see my Mom. So, don't tell anybody this, but she's in prison. I'm going to stay with my grandparents and go see her."

  "No shit, I'm sorry. What'd she do to end up in prison?"

  "Shot her drug dealer, killed him, graveyard dead. My Dad kept trying to get her off the Meth, but when that happened he said screw it. He packed our shit, sold our farm, and here we are. He's not thrilled that I'm even going to see her, but she's my Mom."

  "God, that's brutal. Sorry Chester, how long is she in for?"

  "It's Texas Callie, she'll be gone for a long time. Probably twenty years if she gets an early parole, and doesn't get in more trouble."

  "Wow. Don't be a fool, stay in school." She shook her finger at him and he laughed. There wasn't going to be a convenient moment, so Callie jumped in. "Chester, I kind of wanted to talk to you about something."