by A. Gorman
“I’m good, just thinking. Wishing things would have been different,” I admit. Shaking out my thoughts, I look over and see that she too is wearing a long face. “What’s got you down, doll face?”
Sighing, she whispers, “I know that feeling. I found out today that Markus just wants to be friends. He promised he’d wait for me. That was a big fat lie. He emailed me...a friggin’ break-up email. Wasn’t that sweet of him?” She let’s out a sarcastic laugh. “He’s a fucking douche bag, is what he is.”
What a dumbass, she’s drop dead fucking gorgeous. “You’re serious,” I say. She’s beautiful and smart. Her ex must be insane. She doesn’t answer me, she just nods. “Well, he’s crazy. If he doesn’t see what he had, then he doesn’t deserve to even breathe the same air as you, sweets,” I say, handing her half of my Twix bar. “Here chocolate always helps.” I wink
“You know the way to my heart, soldier.” She giggles. “This is exactly why I love you.” Once the words leave her mouth, she straightens her face. “I mean… well, you know what I mean. Anyway,” she changes the subject, “Why have you been so distant lately? You used to come out with us all the time and you just stopped coming around.” She bites into her candy bar and a small string of caramel sticks to the corner of her plump bottom lip. Without thinking, I run my thumb over her lip and instantly bring it to my mouth. The taste of her and the caramel travel through my taste buds. “Oops! Thank you.” She blushes and covers her mouth “I’m a messy eater.”
“That you are, I always find your chip crumbs after you’ve eaten around me. But to answer your previous questions, I like to stay to myself, it’s nothing personal. Crowds bother me, and I would rather just drink alone. I’m what they call a loner, I guess.”
“Are you planning on going home for the upcoming leave? I was, but now I think I’m going to stay. I don’t want to be around my family or my fiancé...my ex fiancé,” she clarifies.
“I don’t go home. When I left for basic, I didn’t look back. I never really had family. I write my adoptive parents and sister sometimes, but other than them, I had no one.”
“So Amelia, is she your sister? I always wanted a sister,” she says, as she sips the water in her hand. “Sorry, I’ve always wanted to ask you, but I just never have. I’ve heard you say her name a few times when you’ve fallen asleep when we are on missions, or the one time you were drunk off your ass when we all went to Chuy’s bar.”
I raise my eyebrow and then realize she is also referring to the tattoo that’s on my back.
“No, Winter is my sisters name. Amelia was my girlfriend. She was killed in an accident five years ago. Look, I need to get ready, Reese, so if you would please excuse me.” I say needing to get away from her, from this conversation. I’ve never talked to anyone about my life before the Army. And talking about her with Reese, is just not something I want to do. The feeling’s I’ve developed for Reese have been eating at me. Hard.
“Corporal Livingston.” I hear from behind me. “Where are you running off to so quickly?” Buttham, a Sargent, says as he approaches me. “I’m working with you today, correct?”
“Yeah, I just need a minute. I need some fresh air,” I bite out.
“You aren’t her type, you know?” he says, grabbing my arm.
What the fuck. “Dude, don’t touch me and who are you referring too?” I can feel my pulse beating out of my chest. I hate to be touched.
“Come on, you know she has the hots for you, she has watched you ever since we began this journey.”
“Reese,” I ask as I cross my arms. He smirks. “Well, I have no interest in her, and last I knew, she has a man back home.”
“You that blind, brother? She ogles over you every chance she gets. That man back home means nothing to her, I am sure. I’ve seen how she looks at you. But I want her, I have tried avoiding the urge to be with her, but the more I see her, the more I need her.”
“Not your brother, pal. Give me ten, and I’ll be ready to work on the plan with you.” I step aside before he can stop me, or continue this useless conversation.
I haven’t been with anyone since Amelia. She was my first and my last. Sure, I miss a woman’s touch. I often see women and wonder what it would like to be with them, but I can’t…I just can’t be with anyone. The feelings I’ve developed for Reese, just can’t be acted on. My heart still hurts daily, thinking about my past. I’ve been stationed all over during the last five years, and I’ve been alone. I call Ben and Tina, from time to time. They beg me to come home...
But this is my home.
* * *
Over the next few weeks, I let Reese in and tell her about some of my childhood. She loves to email, so she sent Winter a few emails. I talked about how I worked with Ben and how Tina loved to cook. I left out a lot of the bad things, like how I was shipped from home to home, slept on cold floors with cockroaches covering most of the surfaces, how I took cold baths, and wore holy clothes. You’d think that I would block that shit out of my mind, but it’s branded in my brain. I wouldn’t wish that kind of life on anyone.
I am thankful for the years that I was with the Livingston’s, they treated me as if I was their own. Never once, did I feel the pain that I’d felt the fifteen years prior. Sometimes I lie awake at night and I can see Amelia’s face. I can feel her presence. Talking about her with Reese was more comfortable than I’d thought it would be. Last night I opened up a little more and told her about the ring.
“You were going to propose,” She asks as she props herself up on her elbows.
“Yeah, I’d practiced the speech over and over in my head for weeks. I’d saved money from every paycheck, for a few years, to buy her the perfect ring. We’d went to dinner with friends, but I had everything all set up for when we got home. I trailed pink roses from the front door, to the bedroom door, then they lined the bed. I made a heart in the center of the bed with them, then set the ring inside of the heart. I’d gotten her favorite wine and had it on the nightstand. Everything was perfect.” I feel her shift next to me.
“She never saw any of it?”
“Nope, she died in my arms in my car. We weren’t even five minutes from our place.” I scratch my beard. “I never set foot back in our apartment, either. I’m not even sure what happened to the ring, or our belongings. I left for boot camp with the clothes on my back, and that was it.”
“I’m so sorry, Talon,” she breathes, as I feel her hand on my shoulder.
“Me too.” I sigh. “But everything happens for a reason, isn’t that what they say?”
“It does, the reasons don’t make much sense at the time, but it will eventually.”
“I wanted to die, too. So many times I sat with my gun cocked to my head.” I groan, “I even tied my belt around my neck, but I couldn’t do it. Something in me was telling me that would be selfish of me. That I would rot in hell for ending what I think is a pointless life.”
“Oh my God, never think your life is pointless.” She sits up and places her hand on my cheek. “You...you’re amazing, you may not see what I see, but God, Talon. Never think that you’re alone. You have me. Hell, I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through, but I will always be here for you.” She swipes a tear from her face. “Always remember that you can come to me anytime.”
“That means a lot, sweetheart.” And it does, I’ve always felt that I was a burden. That no one wanted to be there for me.
“My dad is an ass. He has always cheated on my mom, but she doesn’t see it. I couldn’t wait to join the Army to get away from them. I love them...but from a distance.”
“Wow, she doesn’t care that he cheats?”
“Well, I’m sure she does, but without him she would be broke and alone.”
“Gotcha, well I guess we both come from fucked up worlds,” I say as I light a cigarette.
“That we do, my friend. I told you we all have stories.” She grabs the cigarette from my hand and takes a long draw. “God, this stuff will kill you. I
’m not much of a smoker, but after this conversation I need a cigarette and a damn beer.” She laughs and I light another Pall Mall.
“A beer sounds refreshing right now.” It’s hot as hell, and we’re lying in the dirt on one of the hottest nights in Texas.
Chapter Three
July 1, 2010
El Paso, Texas
“Private Aero,” I address, “we need to head out. Just got word, they need us in Germany.” He and I are the only two that never leave. I believe he is just as lonely as I am.
“I thought they said it would be another month or so?” He rocks back on his heels.
“That’s what we thought, as well. You, two others, and myself are heading out at 1800. Get your things together, meet me at the mess hall.” He has been busting my balls over Reese. She’s a sweet girl, but also a fellow Corporal. Although my dick aches for the touch of a woman, I can’t. I just can’t.
“Livingston, wait up!” I hear the female voice that has helped me through the last few weeks. Since I told Reese about my past, she’s become my new best friend. Turning to face her, she has her long hair down and is wearing an Army tank, with shorts. “I’m in,” she says.
“No, Aero is, you’re going home.” I try not to look at her.
“No, sir, with all due respect, I asked to go on this mission.”
Fuck, she would do this shit. This mission is dangerous, and I don’t want her anywhere near it. “Sargent Conrad said that they needed one more man. So I am in.”
“Look, Reese, this isn’t a mission you need to join. It’s going to be dangerous. You should just take your leave, go on home, and make up with your fiancé,” I say sarcastically. “I have lost too many people already.”
She gently places her hand on my cheek. “I’m going with you all. I will be just fine, you’re not going to loose me, Tal.” She smiles before proceeding, “I’ll see you at 1800, sir.” My hand latches onto her small arm. My eyes bore into hers. I don’t say anything, but she can read into my stare. “It’s okay, I can do this. Then when we come back to Texas, you and I both are taking leave and vising your hometown. I want to meet Ben. He and Tina sound like great people and they miss you, Livingston. You need to go back to Missouri and get closure, I know it’ll help.” She places a chaste kiss on my cheek. “See you soon, soldier.”
Fuck she is right. I know they do, but stepping foot back in Missouri was never in my plan.
“Wait,” I yell, she stops in her tracks. “You sure, you’re up for this mission?” I rake my hands through my hair. She’s the closest thing to a best friend that I have.
As she turns, I can see her facial expresson change, “This is what I signed up for, sir. I knew when I joined the Army what I was getting myself into. Remember, I am an Army brat? My father has told me every story there is to know. Quit being a worrywart, I will be fine. You can’t get rid of me that easy, soldier.”
We have become really close over the last few years, and she is the only person that knows my story. The battles I’ve been dealing with since I was a child. Not knowing my birth parents and being in foster home after home, really fucked me up. I felt unwanted, unloved, useless then I was placed with Ben and Tina, and met Amelia. My life seemed to be perfect after fifteen years of hell.
Or so I thought.
* * *
“Leave me alone. You’re crazy if you think I want anything to do with you.” I hear her shout.
“Come on, baby, no one has to know. Let me tear that sweetness up before you bounce off to Germany.” I hear Buttham say.
“Don’t touch me. No way in hell am I going to ever let you do anything with me. You are out of line.”
“Out of line? I see the way you watch Livingston, how the two of you sneak around like no one is watching. I see it, you think he is better for you than I am? You are dumber than I thought.”
“You son-of-bitch.” I see her fist flying toward his jaw, before I can interfere he is stumbling to the ground.
“You fucking tease,” he yells.
“Lorenzo Buttham, I suggest you apologize and get your shit together,” I say, pulling Reese to my side.
“Fuck you both. I will be reporting the two of you, and your asses will be out of the Army quicker than you were in.”
“Like I said, I suggest you apologize and think twice about what you say to your Corporals.”
He wipes the blood from his face. “Screw you both. You can go to hell,” he says, sprinting away.
“You okay, Swindle,” I ask, running my hands sown her shaky arms.
“I am, he just pisses me off.” She leans in as I wrap my arms around her, inhaling her scent.
“I think he needs to be turned in,” I say as I hug her tighter.
“I will, we need to get ready to go. I don’t have time to worry about him.”
Chapter Four
July 4, 2010
Berlin, Germany
I say a silent prayer as the plane lands, that this will be over soon. I can’t take losing another person I care about over here. Three years ago, my best friend who I started this journey with, Brice Rickard, was killed in a bombing. I was right there with him and there was nothing I could do to save him. I tried. God, did I try. He was blown to pieces right in front of me, the same way as Amelia died in my arms. The day Brice died, it should’ve been me that day too.
“Livingston, stay down, they’re right on our heels. There are two that I can see from this angle,” Lasik says.
“I see them, there’s a third on the roof above building four, Rickard and I can see him from our angle. You copy,” I ask panicked. But get no response. “Lasik,” I call out as I look over at Rickard. “Can you hear me, Ryan?” I use his first name.
“What’s wrong, brother,” Rickard asks as he sees the look of terror in my face.
“He’s not responding now,” I say as my voice cracks.
“Shit, stay down. They’ll see us, if you move.” He grabs my arm, pulling me closer to the ground.
“I have to go check on him, he is alone over there. What if they got him? He has a wife and a child on the way. I have to go, you stay here.” I say as I jump to my feet.
“Damn it, Talon. I said stay.” Rickard follows behind me.
Shot after shot rings through my ears, I turn and see the body of one of my closest friends lying in a pool of blood. “Fuck...Oh God, no,” I scream as I rush toward him. “Brice, please wake up.” Pulling his lifeless body onto my lap, I see the bullet holes in the back of his neck.
“No... No, what the hell happened?” Lasik says, rushing to my side.
“We were coming to look for you. I thought... I thought you were hit.”
“Hey what are you thinking about over there?” Reese asks, placing her petite hand on my thigh. I just shake my head. “Oh Talon, it wasn’t your fault.” She leans her head on my shoulder. She knows exactly what I was thinking about.
“It never is, is it.” I state. “Looks like we are in for a long night, sugar.” I plaster on a smile. It’s so easy to do when you know, deep inside, you are as fucked up as they come. I’ve been fighting the battles in my head for years. Now, I am fighting an even bigger battle here. I need to keep the woman I have secretly fallen for safe, and I’ll die trying to do just that.
* * *
Wrapping my fist around my length, I pump up and down as visions of her come to mind. Wrapping my hands in her long dark hair. Kissing her sweet lips, making my way down her neck, sucking and nipping at her breast. My cock grows harder just thinking about her. My tip seeping with pre-cum, I run my thumb over the wetness, using it to lubricate my shaft. Reaching over, I squirt some lotion in my hand to make it glide smoother. Ahh, this is pure heaven. Visions of Reese getting me off play over in my mind. Her sucking me off, riding me, her tight pussy milking my cock.
Goddamn.
“Livingston! Where are you man?” I hear my name being called, fuck. Every Goddamn time I get my dick in my hand, someone’s looking for me. I settle m
yself back in my pants. Another time my friend, I promise you can come soon.
“What?” I yell, as I wash my hands. I know it’s Lesion, he is the only one that tracks you to the shitter.
“There you are. We were getting ready to settle in and eat supper. Reese said she hadn’t seen you since earlier this afternoon.”
“Been tired, I needed some alone time. After that mission yesterday, I’m mentally and physically exhausted.”
“I know that feeling. Well, come on down, it’s chow time man.” He turns to leave. Then he spins on his heal. “Wash that lotion off your cock before making an appearance.” He smirks.
Looking down, I see my dick is hanging through my zipper and, as he said, it’s covered in lotion. Fuck me. Rushing to the bathroom, grab a rag and clean myself up. I haven’t been with a woman since, Amelia. I have had plenty of opportunities, but I just can’t bring myself to hooking up with random women.
Pulling my shirt over my head, I grab my sun glasses. I hate when people look into my eyes. I know they can see the bags and wrinkles that line them. I’ve always wondered where I got my features, if it was from my mom or my dad. It’s things like that, that bug the hell out of me. As far back as I can remember I was shoved from home to home. I remember being about six maybe seven and I was placed with Oretha, she was the sweetest lady. She was an older lady, who lived alone with her two cats. Her children where older and her husband had passed on. I was with her for a little over a year, then I was shipped off to Helen and Hank for three years They didn’t want to adopt me, of course, as they wanted to keep the checks from the state rolling in.