Love and Secrets

by Brennan, Mary

  As the days were becoming longer and warmer, parties were becoming more spontaneous with little organization or fanfare. One such occasion happened with the arrival of Amy’s brother and friend for a weekend by the sea. Sarah had opened the door to two most gorgeous looking men, James was tall dark and handsome, while Liam was average height, with curly blonde hair that fell over his forehead and a buffed body showing every different muscle that had been sculptured. Liam asked for Amy, and was told that she was not in by Sarah, who became inquisitive, invited them in, offered them drinks and chips and had started up general conversation, learning from Liam that he was Amy’s brother and James, silent, his best mate. Amy had suggested they come for a visit but had forgotten to inform Sarah.

  Sarah heart was pounding, but it was not for Liam but the mild unpretentious James. He was like nobody she had ever met with a confident gentleness that seemed to mend her heart completely within moments of their meeting. His dark features also gave him strength that Sarah had no recollection of ever encountering before. It was the strength of a tree that you were able to climb, use as shelter against nature’s elements, and find serenity when you just looked out from it. James felt safe but not in a mundane type of way, but the type that would always encourage you, stand in front, beside and behind you with ease and have an outstretched hand ready to catch you if you tripped. For the first time since leaving Rosedale her logic and common sense had gone out the window and all she wanted was to connect with him on an entirely intimate level. Dreams flashed in front of her. The same dreams that she had when she was with Adrian.

  When Amy arrived she was ecstatic to see them both, and all four went off for dinner within the hour. Chatter between the four of them was effortless, with Amy and Liam trying to outdo each other with childhood mischief stories. Sarah could not help but notice the familiarity between Amy and James.

  The boys had finished their year at university and had decided to spend some time in Sydney. The weekend was now turning into an indefinite stay. This had turned into a mild disaster for Sarah as the pairing was Amy and James, Sarah and Liam. Sarah had little time and opportunity to be close to James, rarely were they alone, and if it did happen the time was short and uncomfortable. This awkwardness, she was sure, was due not only the chemistry but the lust that she felt for him and she was positive that he felt for her. Last weekend the four of them sat in a booth with Sarah in between James and Liam, James was nearly sitting on top of Sarah or was it the other way around. Never the less, the contact of their thighs made Sarah feel like a love sick puppy. At one point, James and Sarah found themselves alone in the kitchen. Instead of gracefully maneuvering around each other all they could do was to bump into each other, spilling food onto the floor and them both trying to clean it up. Eventually James took Sarah's elbow and helped her up but not before an extra moment of gazing into each other’s eyes, this moment gone with the noise of the bedroom door opening and the appearance of Liam. It had happened in a flash, but the impact was enduring.

  After three weeks Liam had decided he had had enough and was ready to go home. He liked Sarah, but he seemed to sense that she was unavailable, the feeling and the reality did not add up. Amy and Liam had discussed Sarah’s broken engagement and he had put her feelings and this past experience together to analyze her as not ready for a relationship. Amy, on the other hand, could not stop talking about James and how they had grown so much closer. She had confided in Sarah and again she felt a sudden pang of jealousy. As Liam and James packed up to leave, Sarah had feelings of regret, sadness and emptiness within herself due to her inability to make better connections with James. The car packed, a kiss on the cheek from both and a wave goodbye, James was out of her life.

  Sarah mood did not improve over the next days. The weather had turned sour also. The bright sunny days had given way to a wet windy weekend. Sarah had put on her boots and raincoat to venture out into the world that seemed to be her nemesis. As she walked down the hill to the ocean her heart and the weather felt as one.

  The wind was at time angry and fierce and at other times still and silent. A turn of a corner could dictate velocity and speed of gushes of wind and emotion. The sky and the sea were indistinct on the horizon as the grays matched each other with a remarkable likeness. The change of color came when the water became shallow close to shore. When the rain came you could only see the whites of the waves and the world seemed endless and void. The similarity between this scene and Sarah's feeling, the eternal grayness, the close range color change that did not continue for any length, reminded her of how life was not a rosy plan drawn up in a fairyland. The park that was used continually for boot camps, fitness training sessions and even golf practice was lifeless. Great puddles of muddy water had formed wherever the land had sunk under the pressure of this weight. Calmness prevailed somewhere out to sea but the eruption of turmoil that the water made as it hit the coast was chaotic.

  An internal oasis kept Sarah walking, she could not and did not want to get over James, but it all seemed impossible. She had added him as a friend on Facebook and had also found his phone number by snooping on Amy’s phone but could not bring herself to get in contact with him as she had heard Amy speaking to him continually. Sarah had hoped that James would find a way to contact her but this did not happened, she would look at her phone persistently, praying for a message or something from him. She had to, however, find a way, going behind Amy’s back was not the way as he would not tolerate deception, all would be lost if she went down that road. She knew that she and James were meant for each other; just the same as she knew that she and Adrian were destined to be together. It made no sense but reason and logic were lost to Sarah at this moment.

  Chapter 5

  Over the next month, work was to become Sarah’s savior as it kept her busy with late nights and lots of overtime. Sarah put all her heart and soul into work and when it encroached on her weekends she had no hesitation in being up to the challenge. She strived for perfection and would find herself often rewriting reports that had already gone on to management. The mask of a happy and contented person was working well and Sarah was in a place of comfort, at least on the surface.

  It was Sarah’s first free weekend since Liam and James had left. Laying in bed she heard a knock on the door. She listened and heard Liam’s voice; he had arrived to take Amy to a family commitment up north somewhere. Sarah assumed that James was also going but there was only one voice. Once they departed she rolled over, tried to go back to sleep with no success, and eventually got up. She had not been shopping for ages so after breakfast she showered, gathered her things and headed for the front door. Sitting on the step was James! There was a mirror image of excitement, amazement and disbelief on their faces. He stood up blocking the stairs with his body that oozed strength and sex appeal. Sarah could do nothing but stand, with emptiness coming out of her mouth. James picked her up and placed her back in the apartment with one easy and effortless motion.

  Sarah tried to speak but James put his finger lightly on her lips and kicked open her bedroom door, it was all too much, all the sexual tension that they had shared now took on an urgency of a deadline that had to be met. The lust needed attention immediately, with both flinging off their own clothes without a moment’s hesitation. A button that would not release itself was ripped off and within moments the explosive sexual gratification was over. Both lay on the bed looking at the ceiling, they glanced at each other and repeated the ritual of lustful sex. The same thing happened again and again, still not a word had been spoken, the emotions that they had both bottled up had released themselves in this most beautiful way.

  They fell asleep together and when Sarah woke she just stared at James. The man she had felt a great connection with but felt a million miles away was really laying next to her, calm and in control even as he slept. She wondered what had happened so that the last 5 hours had been possible, scary in a way, but she also realized that this could not be erased or forgotten ever. Tho
se happy ever after dreams started to pop into Sarah’s head again, but this time, she was sure, there was a little more substance to them. Sarah put her head back on the pillow and wondered if they would start talking today, unlikely she decided, as the chemistry would take over and sexual lust would win again. A picture says a thousand words, so this type of sex must say a billion. James woke up and they repeated their blissful lovemaking. Afterwards, James said that he had been waiting for this moment since they first met, and Sarah said she felt the same way.

  The late afternoon had them dressed and ready for something to eat. They walked silently, cuddled up to each other on the stroll to the local cafe where they ordered coffee and food. They could not have sat closer to each other with their hands rarely leaving the others body, so engrossed in each other, as if they were the only people on the planet. Each time they looked at each other, a little giggle would leave Sarah’s lips only to be smothered and replaced by James’ simple kiss. They ate greedily, drank down coffee and water as if they had just run a marathon, and finished with a wedge of cake that they shared by feeding each other. The walk back to the apartment was even more hurried than eating as the anticipation grew for the evening ahead.

  Once secured in the apartment, the mood was less frantic. James picked Sarah up and placed her on the unmade bed. He slowly undressed her, like a person unpacking a beautiful gift that had been lovingly wrapped. The ribbon that held the wrapping together was carefully untied, folded, and lovingly placed next to the gift. Next the sticky tape was undone with the upmost tenderness and care, revealing the slightest of hints of the gift that lay under the wrapping, the wrapping was carefully displaced from the gift, gathered up and placed along with the ribbon. Finally the tissue paper was removed to reveal the most exquisite gift available to man, the naked body of young beautiful woman that he had fallen in love with at first sight.

  James stopped. His breath had been taken away, not only at Sarah's beauty, but the enormity of the moment had struck him. At last he was able to hold the woman that he had fallen so heavily in love with, make love to her and let his true feeling out without any guilt. Sarah lifted her hands to cup his face, but he turned to kiss her hand and each finger and then turned to kiss the other, this act making Sarah understand James’ love for every part of her. With the unwrapping finished and a clear understanding of their feelings for one another, urgency returned and their lovemaking was swift and passionate.

  The next morning questions asked and answers answered over bacon and eggs. James had always been in Amy’s life and had always seen her as a sister figure, clearly on his last visit with Liam he had realized that Amy did not consider him as a brother and had been very uncomfortable. When James heard that Amy and Liam had to go away his head told him to stay at home but his heart yelled ‘now, go now.’ He had borrowed his father’s car and waited at the bottom of the hill until he saw Liam and Amy leave, ran to the apartment and went to knock when he got cold feet, so just sat on the step trying to push aside any doubt that he had, not regarding his own feelings, but the very existence of Sarah. Then, she was there, no doubts, no regrets just an immediate harmonization of two people.

  Chapter 6

  Sarah spent the following weeks at work, keeping her mind busy and her body away from the apartment. James rang daily and her lunch hour was one long beautiful conversation while she ate. They had met every weekend away from the city for the most romantic times imaginable for Sarah, but on this Friday she was packing to go home for Christmas. Home and Adrian were one thought to Sarah. Home and Adrian meant serenity, habitual routine and familiarity. Home and Adrian, Sarah was not able to separate the two as she took the long drive home. Why, why, why was the dominant question? Why had Adrian called off the engagement? Why had his mother been so cruel and why had she never thought to find out any answers? If she could erase the first 19 years of her life from her memory she could just get on with her new life with James.

  It was going to be a new exciting life, full of unexpected challenges, adventures, and outcomes. She knew that a life with James would take her out of her comfort zone, make her do things that she would rather choose not to do, completely squash her white picket fence dream. James had spoken at length of all the new things that he wanted to do and had been waiting for the right person to stand alongside him to experience and make memories together with. From saving animals in the Antarctic, to rowing down a river together, he had ideas of an existence that would take more than one lifetime to achieve.

  Life with Adrian sounded so boring compared to a life with James, so why did it seem like a competition, not between the two men, but between the conflicting lifestyles. In her head she knew the answer to this question lay with all those conversations that she had intently listened to with her new friends, her heart was not so easily convinced. It was early evening when Sarah reached home; she was mentally exhausted. Her mum ran out to give a great big bear hug which was well needed, cuddled her as she walked to the kitchen, and sat Sarah down to eat some of a freshly made walnut and carrot cake and a pot of tea for two. Sarah had not stopped for a break on the journey and was hungry, thirsty, and tired. After a short chat with her mum she went up to her bedroom, still kept exactly the same as the day she left, fell into bed, and was asleep before one more thought crossed her mind.

  Sarah woke the next day with the sun shining through her window. She was desperate to get out and wander around town and catch up with friends. It was Christmas Eve and Rosedale was at its most beautiful, every shop had decorations, some elaborate and some made by the town children. Sarah had unconsciously missed this while living in Sydney, but here it was, in her face grabbing her with both hands so that she would know and understand what she had left behind. Her local pub had patrons spilling out onto the footpath, most knew her and welcomed her home as if she had never left for even a moment. Laughter filled the pub, but the loudest was Sarah’s.

  Christmas Day came and went with the obligatory family meals, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, nephews and nieces. All wanted to know how she liked Sydney and whether she had found love in the big city. The little ones just wanted to play silly games and Sarah was very happy to oblige. By the evening everyone had gone home, the dishwasher was packed and the fridge had been rearranged to accommodate a mountain of leftover food. Sarah went to her room and dialed a number that would always be etched into her brain. Adrian answered, and Sarah hung up immediately. She then rang James and chatted, and her world seemed perfect.

  Chapter 7

  Sarah was woken by a knock on her bedroom door. It was Boxing Day and the house was quiet. Her brother John opened the door and sat on the edge of the bed silently. Sarah suspected that John would speak to her about Adrian in his own good time. She had learnt over their years growing up together that rushing her brother would not give her what she wanted. Time was a great friend of John’s and if you knew that, then he would be loyal and honest. So Sarah had waited and now she had him where she wanted him, but she was still a little sleepy, starting with nonsense banter would work best until she had her mouth and brain working cohesively.

  They chatted about how much they had enjoyed Christmas yesterday, their parents and mutual friends, until Sarah could not hold the question in any longer. John moved closer to Sarah after she had asked about Adrian and gave her a quick hug, before gathering his thoughts, taking a deep breath and starting with a ‘well’. Tears trickled down Sarah's face as John started the story, just the word Adrian coming from John voice choked Sarah up. John spoke for what seemed to be an eternity and when he was finished he just sat with a look of sadness and regret. He asked if Sarah had any questions, shocked she shook her head and asked to be alone, this was something that she had to process and work through alone and now it was her that needed time. John did not press her, got up, kissed her on the forehead and left.

  Sarah put her head under the covers and never wanted to see the world again. When had life become so complicated? She stayed un
til the heat of the day was beginning to suffocate her, or was it what she had learnt that gave her this feeling? She got up, showered, and put on the kettle to make herself a strong cup of coffee. The tears did not stop and she ended up back in the bathroom washing her face over and over. She had to get out so she picked up her bag and car keys and drove. She ended up at Adrian’s home football field and again the tears would not stop. She then drove to the next town and parked outside one of her and Adrian's favorite cafes, got out of the car and pressed her face to the glass. Thankfully it was closed, the memories and the sound of Adrian's voice came flooding back and so did the tears. When she got home she went straight to her bedroom feigning a headache and cried herself to sleep.

  The next morning the fog had cleared from her head and she was able to contain her emotions. She knew what her first step was and that was to go and see Adrian. Or should she ring James first and tell him what was going on? Both had fundamental consequences that could determine the rest of her life. She had known Adrian all of her life and was content with the lifestyle he would provide her, James was the polar opposite, known for such a short time, just weeks in fact, yet their connection was so strong that it had all the ingredients of a couple deeply and truly in love forever. She had no time to tell James much about her life before coming to Sydney so maybe it was best to deal with Adrian first and see what happens. The power of James’ love had Sarah tangled in her ability to think rationally and she sat paralyzed, doing nothing. She stayed in her room until her mother brought her up soup and tea, leaving her alone as she knew Sarah had to work this one out for herself.