Love and Secrets

by Brennan, Mary

  Logic and reason are fantastic things. They let you look at each situation with some form of clarity, that is, unless love is involved. She drove and ended up at Adrian’s house. She knocked on his studio apartment door. It was nearly 11pm, but she could hear music coming from inside. Mango barked and the door opened. Adrian stood staring at Sarah before tears welled up in his brown eyes, he beckoned for her to come inside and shut the door with the tenderness of a lion with a new born cub. Sarah did not leave until 4 am, tired, relived and eager to talk to James.

  Chapter 8

  James was at Sarah's house by lunchtime the next day. The conversation had been short, no more than 1 minute, and James was in his car, ready to rescue his Sarah from whatever had made her so emotional that she could hardly get the words out. No sentence was coherent or even finished; whatever had happened was not some trivial upset with an old friend or parent. James felt like he was walking into a minefield; this did not shorten his stride or stop him to think about consequences however.

  When he arrived, Sarah opened the door to him. Sarah clung to him as if gravity had left her and she needed him to stay grounded. Together they left the family home to go wherever they could find privacy. Within the hour James had driven to a nearby forest, the sunshine filtered through the needles of the pine trees that looked like an army standing tall and straight in perfect rows waiting for instructions. A small cabin had been built to accommodate men cleaning up the area for breaks during the day. James broke the lock and opened the door for Sarah to go in. Shutters were opened to let the light in and the breeze flow through, a wooden bench, table and a cupboard furnished the single room.

  Sarah took a deep breath. Repeating what she had been told by her brother John, elaborating the finer details from Adrian were difficult enough for her to hear, now she had to explain it to James. James who had rocked her world in the most magnificent way, made her think about the adventures that one life could have if you were game enough to take them on. This was the man that had dropped whatever he was doing and just taken control of a situation that he knew nothing about without question. How was she ever going to find the courage to tell him what she had just found out? Start at the beginning, the only place to start.

  Sarah told James all about Adrian and how they had planned to not just to get married, but have a whole life together. It seemed to take ages just to get to the part where Sarah moved to Sydney and how devastating and confidence draining the upheaval had been. Now, telling James she realized that she had totally changed her direction in life and how hard it had been, sadness seeped into every emotion that she had. The rareness of her heart exposed to every human act, even kindness had a melancholy undertone to it.

  Until the moment James entered her life, the dark cloud lifted instantly, hope restored and the old Sarah reborn like a new bud in spring after a long cold winter. Now with the bud in full bloom, Sarah was able to process what had happened and was able to work out that she was at a crossroad in her life, although she would like to explore both roads, this was an impossibility, and a decision had to be made.

  Sarah needed some space before she continued her account of what had so overwhelmed her. Again, James seemed to understand, and suggested a walk to clear their heads. The walk took the best part of an hour and by the time they got back to the cabin they had seen the sun set over the hills with just enough glow from dusk to lead them onto the right road. The evening was so calm and still, whereas Sarah’s heart was turbulent and her head frenzied with what she was about to tell James. She just needed to open her mouth and let the words come out.

  Chapter 9

  An evening tranquility spread across the forest, and Sarah finally started to regain some control of herself. Her brother was astounded when he heard that Sarah and Adrian’s engagement had been called off with no explanation. He knew something was going on two days beforehand, when Adrian’s parents rang to arrange a meeting between all the parents. John had overheard the phone call and the tone of his mother voice sent a shiver up the back of his neck. He made it his business to be secretly at home when the meeting was to take place the next day at 2pm. Even the time was peculiar as everybody worked, not a lunch hour, so John had to pretend he was unwell, and hide in his bedroom so that he could find out what was going on. As he sat in his room waiting for the minutes to tick by he wondered if he was just rash and maybe the meeting was to do with finance for the wedding.

  Adrian’s mother started in her usual matter of fact way; no wonder she had trouble relating to her son. It was as if she had left all her emotions at home and was delivering a historical factual event that had no bearing on anyone. John only heard bits and pieces of the lecture but enough to know a secret was out. The gasp from his mother and empathic voices from both fathers gave further merit to whatever facts where being delivered by Adrian’s mother. After leaving the house, Sarah and John’s parents did not go back to work but sat and spoke quietly till the evening. John had to jump out his bedroom window and walk in the front door as if nothing was amiss at his usual time.

  The next day, after Sarah went to work, John asked was everything was OK and was told that something had come up, was going to be sorted out within the week, and not to worry. After John left, the tears came flooding out for her daughter. How had this been kept a secret for so long, especially as Adrian and Sarah relationship grew and grew from a childhood sweethearts to a serious life partner connection? Sarah’s mother was never an angry woman, but she was angry now. Now all she could do was wait and wait for the ensuing catastrophe to unfold and hope to contain that anger or place it where it belonged, for it did not belong on her daughters shoulders.

  Adrian's mother had hoped and prayed that they would want an exciting life. Sarah had been such a happy self confident person that she had convinced herself that Sarah would want to explore all options and countries before considering settling down. She had taken into account Sarah's sense of fashion and her social, easy going nature, and made herself believe that Sarah would change her son into an adventurous person. Her son had lived in Rockdale his whole life, and she felt he needed to see more of the world to be truly happy. When Adrian had shown his parents the engagement ring, his mother froze and before she knew it, they were engaged, making plans for a home and a family.

  An illness when Adrian was seven years old revealed a gene that made Adrian a carrier, inherited at birth, of a rare blood disease that had an 80% chance of harming any child that Adrian fathered. When Adrian was told he showed no emotion at all, went to his studio apartment, put on some music and went to bed. The next morning he had gone over to Sarah's home and called off the engagement without any explanation. He did try to talk to Sarah, but no words would come out of his mouth, so he left. To his amazement everyone took his side and he went along with them; it seemed the easiest way. Sarah went over to see Adrian's mother but she was aloof and hurtful, no help at all.

  Adrian knew that he would not make neither Sarah nor himself happy without the perfect picture of a home full of love and children. The love that Sarah had for him, and he did not doubt it to be, would slowly be eroded as the years rolled by without children. Adrian knew that Sarah would be happy to adopt or find a different route for them to have a family but he also knew that this was not for him. He was not sure that he would be able to cope with not being the biological father, whether he would be able to love these children and endure the gossip of the town. So he had made the decision for both of them.

  As time went by Adrian understood why his mother had always seemed to interfere in his life, always so pushing. He had a close relationship with his father and a somewhat strained one with her. Although he had formed a wonderful bond with his father, would things with his mother been a lot closer if there was not this secret left in the closet? He felt really guilty for the way Sarah had been treated, the love of his life, with him not defending her at all. He had also been astonished that she had packed up and moved to Sydney to start a new life. The gui
lt and weakness that Adrian had endured made him depressed and he went from a happy person on the verge of a wonderful life to a void that seemed to have no ending, to a man without a heart or an interest in life. He had stopped playing football and as Sam now was in a serious relationship, he felt alone. John had recognized the change in his friend and kept an eye on his mate. A drink at the pub became a quiet drink at Adrian's studio. Eventually Adrian had opened up to John, and as mates, the reason for the broken engagement never left the walls of his place. John was torn by the secret he had to keep and felt guilty as he knew his sister was struggling also, without answers.

  Now John had shared all this information with Sarah. Sarah was speechless, no words could be found for her to express herself so she had folded herself into her brother as he had spoken, silent except for the sniffling of heartache tears. Without a word she had eventually left John’s comfort and went to see Adrian, and then she rang James.

  When she finished telling James in the little cabin, it was late at night and they were both exhausted. Neither knew what to do next, but James eventually suggested Sarah needed her family and he would take her home and he would stay in town. Sarah snuck into the family home and headed for her bedroom. Just before she opened her bedroom door her mother was beside her with no words; a warm comforting hug all that we needed as conversation and a goodnight kiss.

  Next morning the sun streaming through the window woke Sarah and she knew this was the day of reckoning. Over a big pot of coffee she and her mother dissected all the information that was now exposed, all the burden lifted and through honesty, some sense was restored. Morning turned to afternoon and still mother and daughter had not left the kitchen table. By evening every question had been answered and every crossroad had been visited except the most important one; what should Sarah do now? She knew there were no certainties in life, but she also knew she had to jump in whole heartily, with no regrets.

  Sarah had considered everything that Adrian had said to her. At first she was amazed at how shallow Adrian thought she was. She had been upset and hurt at these assumptions. The clarity that she was able to come to, with her mother’s help, had made her realize that she had been, not shallow, but foolish. She had created a vision of her future life that didn’t have any unpredicted hiccups. Her mother had suggested that she had a better perceptive on life due to leaving Rosedale and having come out of her limited life sphere. All those conversations that she had listened to had made her think that her mother was right and she had become a better person for it. More willing and accepting of different ways to live life, finding her own convention, understanding that twists and turns are part of life, not to be avoided, but to be embraced and explored. Sarah was then able to understand and even sympathize with Adrian’s situation. She went to bed that night with no clear thoughts of what she would do.

  Next morning Sarah was up early, washed, packed and sitting in the kitchen when the car pulled up in the driveway. She ran to it with her bag, flung her arms around the man who was waiting leaning against the front of the car, felt the warmed and was escorted into the passenger seat. As they drove from the house they could not keep their eyes of each other. They cried then laughed, held hands and prepared for a future together, driving to the local park they got out, put the lead on the dog and walked and talked and talked.

  They sat and watched Mango run with all the freedom that Adrian and Sarah, for the first time ever, felt together. Sarah wondered how support from her family had made her see things clearly and make a decision about the rest of her life. Plans for a future can only be a guide, and not a rule.

  Thanks for reading! If you’d like to be kept up to date with further releases by Mary Brennan, you can like her page at:

  Love Books