Somewhere in Between

by Lynnette Brisia

  “Do you want something to drink? Something to eat?” he asked moving to the kitchen. The plate of cookies was gone, eaten during his heart to heart with his mom, and he wished he’d saved at least one to have something to offer.

  “Just a water please?” Gemma asked still standing at the entryway. She was fidgeting, twisting her fingers together.

  She was making him nervous but he tried to act normal. Beverage in hand, Elliot led Gemma up to his room for privacy. Just in case anyone came home, there’d be no audience.

  They’d been in his room dozens of times, but everything about this was different. Walking into the large space, Gemma took in a deep breath and then took in the look of the room. The black and white theme had always mystified her, not understanding why boys always seemed to choose those colors, but seeing them now, the way the carpet reflected both colors and the bed bounced in contrast, it worked suddenly. Even the stained black oak desk in the corner sitting next to the windows that looked out toward the backyard seemed to flow seamlessly.

  Moving to the black loveseat with white cushions, Gemma sat down stiffly, nervously. She fiddled with her water until Elliot sat beside her, his own nerves standing on end.

  “There’s something I wanted to talk to you about.”

  “I need to tell you something.”

  They both spoke at the same time. Laughing at themselves, Elliot ducked his head. “Sorry. Ladies first.” In truth he wanted to lay his cards on the table and get it over with, but he didn’t know what Gemma needed to say, and he could see it was trying to break out of her so he decided he could wait. At least a little bit longer. Sort of.

  “This is going to sound so ridiculous, I’m sure. God, it’s so embarrassing,” she began, her right hand rubbing across her forehead. Gemma kept repeating in her mind her conversation with Dr. Archuleta, trying to take courage from the words spoken by the older woman. However, she was having a hard time getting there.

  “Is it… is it bad?” Her face was bright red, but the way Gemma seemed to be fighting to get her words out made Elliot wonder if she wasn’t embarrassed, but more uncertain how he would take her thoughts. He didn’t have to wait long to find out.

  “It killed me to see you liking Trisha. Every time you mentioned her or looked her way when I was around, it tore me apart,” she started, her filter falling away as everything she’d wanted to say before for so long, started to escape. “I couldn’t understand it. One minute we’re laughing and the next, you have stars in your eyes for someone who didn’t even know who you were. And you were so sure. You were so sure you had a chance. And I let you. I encouraged you but not because I wanted it, or thought you were going to be with her, but because it seemed to appease you into silence about her. It was like ‘okay, Gemma agrees with me, it’s going to happen then. We can move on to something else.’”

  “What…?” Elliot did not know where this was coming from. Truthfully he was glad to hear it, glad to have Gemma tear into him finally because he deserved it, but this was not what he expected her to say.

  “That day you started liking Trisha, that day at the carnival, I had a note in my pocket, because I’m that much of a loser and too chicken shit to say anything to your face,” she continued on knowing if she stopped now, she’d regret it because she’d never get these words out. “And that note, it was telling you how much I liked you, and how much I wished you would like me back and that I want to be with you. I was going to give it to you after the night was over; it was practically burning a hole in my pocket. I was going to give it to you, run and hope you still spoke to me after you read it,” she laughed sardonically. “But then…I didn’t even know what happened. One minute… and then poof!

  “So I shoved it down. I mean, I started liking you almost immediately after meeting you, you’re sweet and cute, but I hadn’t really realized it until summer started and we were together so much. But I pushed it all aside, pushed it all away because I knew, I knew I didn’t stand a chance in hell of even being close to your radar. Trisha was who you wanted. She was your dream girl. And I am …nothing. A nobody, really.” She was silent for a second, catching her breath. “I felt so embarrassed at Homecoming and the big deal you had suddenly started making about it. I mean no one liked me, not even to go as friends, so I didn’t get asked to the dance, not that I expected anyone to. But I’d hoped that maybe you’d want to go as friends, even if you were only going to pine over Trisha. But even then, you didn’t ask me so I didn’t know what to do. Lying seemed like the least embarrassing option at the time. The good it did me.”

  “I did want to go with you,” he whispered, his heart breaking as he listened to Gemma’s pain at his hand. She thought she was nothing when in reality she was everything.

  “But you never said anything so I figured I wasn’t even a blip in your peripheral anymore. I saw Ryan Matthews and Janey arguing again and heard him talking about just going to the movies at the Fairview. I didn’t think you really knew him very well, what harm could it do?” Tears were building in her eyes now. “By then, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I just couldn’t be there. I couldn’t go to the dance knowing you didn’t want to be there with me, even if you’d asked me at that point, which was way past last minute, and watch you drool over Trisha. My heart could not handle seeing you like that knowing how I felt and how you just never would return those feelings.”

  “I gave up that ridiculousness that night at the dance,” he tried to argue though it was feeble at best. What was done was done, nothing was going to fix it. His eyes were downcast, his entire body vibrating with self-loathing. “I know how stupid I was. And I will forever be so very sorry for it.”

  “I didn’t understand why I could be around you after…. I didn’t understand why, even with you finding me, I was okay to be near you.” She shook her head, her thoughts tumbling faster than her tongue could nearly keep up. “You’re my best friend, no matter what, and you saw me at my absolute worst and I liked you and that should mean you’re the last person I want to be around. But yet, you were the only one.”

  It hurt his heart to hear her speak in the past tense in regards to her feelings. Maybe what she had to say to him was more of a goodbye. Maybe everything that had happened, it finally made her realize she couldn’t feel for him what she had, and it was time to move on from it, to free herself from it finally. That thought nearly crushed him. “Gemma….”

  “Honestly, I still don’t get it. But that’s not the point,” she carried on, ignoring his voice because if she stopped, she’d have an anxiety attack, her heart was beating so fast. “The thing is, I couldn’t figure it out. The way I felt about you, I still feel that way. It doesn’t make sense because I am absolutely terrified of the idea of being close to anyone, but I still feel that way about you. And I don’t understand the way you’ve been acting around me because sometimes it feels like you like me back, that you feel the same about me as I did all throughout the summer. But I don’t know if you feel what I want you to feel or if I’m projecting because I want you to feel it. Or is it just that you feel pity for me for what happened, because that would make sense. But then, some of your actions contradict that. I mean, you call me sweetheart, and beautiful, and you hold my hand and sometimes the look you have in your eyes says so much, and I don’t know what any of it means! What does it mean, Elliot?”

  She was breathing heavy, her words hanging between them as he tried to digest every single thing she’d confessed. She still liked him? She still liked him. She’d used present tense, had said like. He couldn’t breathe. The swell of his heart had stolen his breath.

  “Elliot?” her voice was small, wounded. He was just sitting there, staring at her blankly. But his silence might as well have been a shout. He had nothing to say back because there was nothing to say back. With a sigh, she shook her head. Dr. Archuleta was wrong, this was a mistake. “I can’t believe I said all of that. Forget I said it. Oh God. I am so fucking stupid.” She stood, gathering what was left
of her pride, and started to head for the door knowing she was going to be walking home, which terrified her, unless she could get ahold of Leigh. She just hoped her tears would wait until Elliot was nowhere near her. She felt so stupid laying everything out like that. He probably would never speak to her again.

  Feeling the rush of air as she brushed passed him snapped Elliot out of his stupor. “You like me? I mean now?” He wanted to laugh at his ridiculousness. But the sadness on her face, the way tears were welling up in her eyes exposing all her truths kept his laughter subdued. Instead, he pushed away any fear or trepidation and moved forward, answering her question. “It means I want you too.”

  “What?” she half hiccupped, half whimpered.

  “I don’t know if it’s always been there, because when I think back, everything is so clear to me, so obvious. I mean I’ve always loved to be around you. And I figured it was because you were my friend and were fun to hang out with. But it’s so much more than that because when I remember moments with you, like at the park that first time, I remember the way I felt about you.” He’d started rambling, unable to stop once the words left. But that was okay, because this needed to be said. “I see it so perfectly, the way I couldn’t help but notice how beautiful you looked, and how that took my breath away a little bit. But I didn’t register it enough to realize that meant something more than just friendship because I am a complete moron that sees things that aren’t there while completely missing the things that are.

  “And Dr. Archuleta and my mother both say it’s partially because I’m a guy, that I’m dense and I know I should be insulted by it but it’s clearly the truth here so I can’t be.” He was nearly out of breath but still had so much to say. “And Gemma, these past few months, being with you, helping you, while the reason behind it is the worst and the most horrible thing ever, I have loved every second of it, of that time spent with you. It means everything to me. I can’t wait to see you every day. And when the day ends, I hate the thought of saying goodbye to you so I insist on calling you before bed just to hear your voice and you are the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep and the first as soon as I wake up.

  “And when I think about what those monsters did to you, how I could have lost you,” his voice cracked at this part. “It rips me apart, because Gemma, I love you so fucking much I can hardly breathe.” Taking Gemma’s hands, he pulled her to him, his body so close it was almost touching hers. He was taking the biggest risk he’d ever taken and he only hoped it worked out in his favor. “I know about that note, and I am so sorry, with every fiber of my being, for putting you through that whole mess because I never wanted Trisha.”

  “You knew about the note?” She’d started to gasp for air, trying to figure out how everything seemed so topsy-turvy all of a sudden when he laid this news on her. In her mind, everything he had just said, every action he’d had for the past…however long, if he saw the note, did that mean he was faking all of it because of her foolishness in not destroying that piece of paper?

  “Yeah, I saw it that night. When you went to shower, you told me to grab my clothes. The note was under them.” He closed his eyes briefly, feeling embarrassed to discuss this and ashamed that he’d invaded her privacy like that. “It had my name on it, I was too curious for my own good. And I read how you felt, and I knew, I knew that I had been a complete asshole and so fucking blind.”

  She shook her head with force trying to step away. He didn’t mean what he was saying. He’d seen the note, it was the night of her attack, this was just pity and guilt combining into what he thought were real feelings for her. “No, you don’t mean it. If it wasn’t for…if I hadn’t been attacked, you’d still be after Trisha. If nothing had happened, you wouldn’t even be with me right now. You’d still be trying win Trisha Scott!”

  “No, Gemma, no,” he said vehemently, trying to hang onto her. “That night, before I found you, before everything went to hell, I’d already figured things out. I was coming to find you to tell you that. I was coming to show you I wasn’t lost in a delusion anymore and that I was so sorry for hurting you.” He looked intensely into her eyes as he spoke his next words. “I was coming to tell you that it’s you.” It was the truth. He knew that now. If Gemma hadn’t been attacked, he probably would have declared himself without his brain fully understanding until his heart could explain.

  Gemma wasn’t buying it. He could see that. There was only one more thing he could do. Slowly, with purpose and carefulness, Elliot lowered his mouth to hers knowing this could be a disaster, but not willing to hold back anymore. He told her he loved her. She didn’t want to believe him. This was the next necessary step. She had to know he wouldn’t do this if he wasn’t telling the truth. He’d told her that once before.

  “Have you ever been kissed?” she asks as they sit side by side, watching butterflies land on flowers only to float away moments later. They were in the park again, it wasn’t as sunny, a summer storm close to passing through, but it was still beautiful. It’s a question she has always been curious about, but almost afraid to ask. If he says yes, that means he has some experience and she’s worried about that.

  He rubs the back of his neck, pink tinting his cheeks. “Uh, no. Not yet.” He’s embarrassed by this. He’s fifteen and even though some girls have shown interest in him, he hasn’t been closer than a handshake to any of them. “What about you?” He doesn’t really want to know because he hasn’t known Gemma his whole life like he has everyone else. And she’s so pretty, surely guys were lined up for a shot at her in Austin.

  She just laughs at him. “Yeah right.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I mean look at me.” Her face is hot with embarrassment.

  “I am.”

  “Leighanna is my sister. She’s beautiful. I’m plain. I’m not ugly, I know I’m pretty enough in my own right. But I’m not really anything spectacular. No one really paid me much attention and that’s fine.” It’s fine now because she’s met Elliot, and he’s so much more than any of the boys she knew back in Texas. Although Gemma knows with the way Elliot looks and the girls they attend school with, she really doesn’t stand a chance. But it’s nice to dream at least.

  “I think you might need to get your eyes checked,” is all Elliot says on that matter. He’s sure there were tons of guys Gemma had no idea wished she would’ve noticed them. “Either way, I don’t think you should just kiss someone just to do it. It should mean something. You should really like the person, if not love them.” His cheeks are burning now. “At least, that’s what I’ve taken from my parents. They’ve been together since high school. Always admired what they have. My mom says that makes me an old soul.”

  “It would be wonderful to find a love like that.”

  “Yeah. But I mean I wouldn’t… I couldn’t, you know? I couldn’t just kiss someone without it meaning something more than just to do it. I would hope the girl I kiss is kissing me back because she wants to be with me as much as I want to be with her.”

  The instant their lips connected, sparks appeared.

  Gemma inhaled sharply, her mind reeling and slowing down all at once. She couldn’t believe what was happening. His lips were so soft but firm against her own. It was perfect and terrifying all at once. Months of longing and hope, of sadness and loss, of desire and need, all boiled up inside as their lips moved against each other in sloppy perfection.

  Elliot’s mind was screaming in celebration at him and his heart was beating so fast he feared it may explode. Not only was he taking a huge risk, especially since he hadn’t been sure if Gemma would freak out because of what happened to her, he was also risking her rejection. But she wasn’t rejecting him. No, she was kissing him back! And it was the most glorious feeling ever.

  As their kiss intensified slightly, Elliot brought his hands up to cup Gemma’s neck, holding her securely as he poured every emotion he felt for her. And Gemma, she held to Elliot’s waist, her fingers linking into his belt loops, hanging o
n for dear life.

  While there were no actual fireworks, or physical electricity, the two teenagers felt how everything seemed to align perfectly. How in the moment their lips touched, the world around them ceased to exist, with all its anger and pain. And there was just the two of them.

  Pulling away, out of breath, Gemma swallowed hard. Her face was hot, and her heart beating so fast. “Wow,” she whispered under her breath. That was her first kiss. And it had been shared with Elliot. “Wow.”

  He had a goofy grin on his face. He knew he did but he couldn’t control it. He’d just had the most amazing kiss of all time. It was his first kiss ever, and best of all, it was shared with Gemma. His eyes were still closed, his mouth tingling and his body vibrating. Every thought was gone from his mind, replaced by complete bliss. “Wow,” he breathed out heavily in agreement.

  “I can’t… I never… wow,” Gemma giggled uncontrollably. She felt ridiculous and loopy, her mind wasn’t making sense.

  Opening his eyes, Elliot saw her cheeks were flushed and her eyes alight. He’d never seen her look happier, not in all the time he’d known her, and certainly, not in the last several months. And his heart began to beat hard as he realized she looked like that because of him. And his kiss too, but it was because of him… wow, indeed.

  “I’ve wanted to do that for a really long time now,” he murmured, his thumbs caressing her cheeks. He was still close to her, and even though he’d just had the most incredible experience of his life, he felt fortunate his anatomy wasn’t trying to sabotage him. Good boy, he though with an internal laugh.