Somewhere in Between

by Lynnette Brisia

  “Elliot found you?” Trent asked, though it seemed he was talking more to himself than asking Gemma the question. “He found you and he….”

  “When I left the dance, it was right after I left,” Elliot commented, quietly. He was standing at the entrance to the kitchen, his body tingling because he wanted to comfort Gemma but knew she needed a moment.

  “And you guys, what? You have been carrying this around all this time?” It sounded like an accusation, and Trent immediately seemed to realize his mistake. “I’m sorry, I just, and you’re just kids! You’ve been dealing with this all on you own this whole time?”

  “No one else knows all the details. Outside of the parents at least.” Gemma sat down at the table next to her unusually quiet sister. “It’s hard enough having it happen, but knowing Elliot saw, that he was there, it makes everything that much worse. It was too much for anyone else to know he was there.”

  “Why?” Trent asked as Elliot sat beside Gemma.

  “Because I liked him before it happened. And I was so humiliated on top of everything.” She blushed to the root of her hair. Though it wasn’t strictly embarrassment coloring her features. Instead, Gemma felt mortification, embarrassment, anger, and sorrow fill in the blush.

  “You guys sure wasted a lot of time chasing each other around.” It was a blunt assessment as far as Elliot was concerned. But he didn’t want to agree out loud because he knew he was a stupid teenaged boy who probably would have panicked if his best friend, who happened to be a girl, told him she liked him. “Stop thinking Elliot.” He looked up at Trent and laughed. It felt good. “You two are perfect for each other, you know that. Thinkers.”

  “I hope we do more than just think together,” Elliot commented ironically enough, without thinking. His eyes widened and his mouth popped open in shock at himself. He was waiting for Gemma to freak out, waited for her to bolt or for Leigh to hit him. He’d deserve it, after all, for making such a statement.

  But none of those things happened.

  “Finally, he grows some balls.”

  That was Leighanna’s reaction. Trent’s was a laugh. And Gemma… she just smiled with a blush taking to her cheeks that had everything to do with shyness and positive reaction to the boy beside her.

  LtB

  Gemma had a smile on her lips as she went to sleep that night. Regardless of how unsettled Agent Ramirez visiting was, she wasn’t going to let herself be moved. And Elliot, his thoughtless comment about the two of them, it made her warm inside. And had Trent ribbing him for the rest of the night.

  Before hanging up the phone from their nightly conversation, Gemma told Elliot that one day, she’d like to do more than just think with him too. She could practically feel his smile through the phone, with his quiet exhale that happened to be a little shaky. It made her feel good, getting that reaction out of him. And so once she pressed “end” on her phone, plugging it into the charger, she turned onto her side to stare out the window, letting the warmth of Elliot lull her into sleep.

  Of course, sweet dreams don’t always come when you want them too, and nightmares don’t always know they’re not invited. As Gemma was once against reminded that night.

  It is cold out. Moving to pull her jacket around her, she finds it’s in tatters. Looking down, she notices her shirt is ripped, as are her jeans. And there’s blood running down into her shoes, making her socks feel sloshy against her toes. Looking up, she sees the alleyway as her surroundings. Panic instantly takes over, because she knows those guys are around here somewhere.

  Looking left and right, everything is still and quiet and that makes her panic rise. But she sees that the alley is open and she’s not willing to wait around for them to hurt her more. Running to the edge of the alleyway, toward the front with the shops, she reaches the opening, and runs into Elliot. Relief floods her system and she tries to cling to him. But he won’t let her. Instead, his hands grip her arms, holding her body against his roughly. She tries to break away from him, terrified by how he’s acting.

  Before she can figure out what’s going on, his mouth descends onto hers forcefully.

  This kiss is not sweet. This kiss is not kind. It’s forceful and angry and cold.

  She’s trying to break away again, but he grips her arms tighter. He’s going to leave marks, and not the kind she wants. “Please, stop! Elliot!”

  He pulls away from her, his blue eyes menacing. “You’re worthless, Gemma. You know that, right? You know I’m only with you because of what happened. You know, I am with you out of guilt and that the idea of kissing you and wanting to is repulsive to me. But I know you want it, so I’ll do it. I’ll kiss you and when I walk away, it’ll be that much sweeter to watch you break.”

  “Why are you doing this?” she cries against him.

  “Because I’m tired of pretending.” He looks at her with a sneer, his eyes stone. “I mean I’ve thought about it, yeah. You put out so easily for those guys, maybe you’d do the same for me. Though you have feelings for me. Last thing I need or want to deal with is you being even clingier than you already are. Sorry, babe. This is not the true love you were hoping for. Maybe I’ll just get what I want and go. You up for that?”

  She woke up after that. Tears stained her face as harsh sobs tore through her body. She brought a hand up to her chest, trying in vain to make the ache in her heart stop. But it wouldn’t. It was deep seated and harsh. And it made her realize how foolish she’d been.

  Elliot had kissed her and it had been beautiful. There was no panic. There was no worry. She was healed! Hallelujah! Only she wasn’t even close. And worse, her dreams were making Elliot into a monster. She had thought with the arrival of the FBI agent things would start to get better, after all, more was being done, but her initial thoughts were correct; just as she was starting to get a grip on things, she was thrown right back into her nightmare. Curling onto her side, Gemma wished it were daylight. She needed to speak with someone before she fell apart completely. She needed to speak with someone before she started to know what her dreams were telling her was true.

  LtB

  He knew something was wrong the moment he saw Gemma the next morning sitting at the kitchen table. Her head was down, her eyes puffy. And her cell phone was resting in front of her.

  He had tried calling her this morning, before he came over but she hadn’t answered. He thought maybe she was sleeping in, but Gemma always heard her phone, and there were always a few sleep-slurred curses that flew from her mouth if she was pulled from sleep. But the phone rang and then went to voicemail. He opted to text and then wait for her to respond, because Gemma was terrible at listening to her messages, but she responded to every text that came through.

  When he didn’t hear back from her after an hour, he decided to drive over, his nerves on edge because he seemed to always be anxious when it came to Gemma now. He’d thought about calling her dad or even Leigh, but didn’t want to panic anyone in case she really was just sleeping.

  But when he arrived at the Grady household and it was Andrew that let him in, his face drawn as he moved to get ready for work, Elliot knew it wasn’t nothing.

  “Gemma?” He sat down unhurriedly, not wanting to startle her. But once he was settled, he could see she knew he was there. Her entire form seem to shift with his presence. Raising her eyes, Gemma smiled weakly, and Elliot could see how blood shot her eyes were, as well as see the streaks where tears had fallen down her face. “What’s going on?”

  “I had a nightmare. I just got off the phone with Dr. Archuleta,” she mumbled to him, her eyes moving toward her phone and staring intently at it.

  “What was it about?” he asked, though he could tell he’d never find out her whole truth. Gemma had become very guarded with her dreams, keeping them close to the vest, as it were. He knew she talked about them with their doctor, but more and more, she didn’t fill him in. Elliot knew it had more to do with not wanting to burden him with them than anything else.

  Now that t
hey were together, Gemma had seemed to make it her personal mission to not let anything bring them down. She already felt indebted to him for being with her-a ridiculous notion since he was the lucky one here, so she did everything she could to keep her bad days from him. It was an impossible task, but he knew there was no stopping her or getting through to her. So he tried to support her the best way he could and be there for her however he could.

  “Just… things. Remembering my attack, having things add to it that I wish I didn’t have to see. Just things.” She would never tell him how he had become the monster in her dreams because he wasn’t a monster. And he didn’t need to know her subconscious had made him one. Elliot already carried a heavy amount of guilt for her attack, the last thing Gemma wanted was to add to it. No, this was her battle to fight, she wouldn’t place it on his head. “I’m okay now.”

  He studied her for a moment. Watching her eyes for any sign of a lie about how she really was. When he saw none, he nodded. “Okay. Tell me if you’re not though. I’m here for you, Gemma. Okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Good. I love you,” he said, a smile on his face, hoping to get her to smile in return. While she had yet to say those three words back, he felt it in everything she did to and for him. The fact that she was willing to trust him, being the biggest. “You mean everything to me, you know.”

  “You mean everything to me, too,” she said back. She wished she could tell him she loved him too. Because it was right there on the tip of her tongue and it was the truth, but she was still scared. Her heart wanted so badly to say it, but her mind couldn’t stop thinking long enough to allow it. While logically she knew it wouldn’t happen, Gemma held the fear that once the words left her lips, Elliot would rescind his and crush her. And her dream from the night before was only reaffirming the strength her fear had on her. For getting the guy she wanted, Gemma really did have a long way to go before she could feel real happiness about it. And that sucked. So very bad.

  Taking one of her hands in his, Elliot pulled it to his mouth and gently kissed the back, letting his lips linger momentarily. Gemma had the softest skin, and he loved the way it felt against his lips. He was hoping that one day, he’d be able to explore more of her. Not today, but one day.

  “Good to hear it,” he smirked at her. “Because you are stuck with me, Grady. I’m like super glue-no, gorilla glue. Permanent and stuff.”

  “I think I can handle that,” she giggled back, grateful for his magic in making her forget the bad.

  LtB

  The rest of break Elliot and Gemma hung out with Trent, Leighanna, and Josh, watching movies, playing video games, and occasionally taking short nature hikes around the fairgrounds - though their park was strictly off limits. Unless it was just the two of them, which wasn’t too often.

  Trent and Josh were always trying to get Gemma to play Call of Duty or Halo or some other ridiculous video game. In the end she’d conceded and then beat them even though she was a novice to both games. It always made Elliot and Leighanna laugh and the two boys pout.

  It was a relaxed break but it passed quickly. As did the rest of the school year. Before anyone knew it, prom had come and gone and graduation had arrived. It was bittersweet. Gemma was so proud of her sister for all her hard work, as Leighanna was Salutatorian with the second highest GPA in her class. But she also knew that meant Leighanna was leaving. In the fall, when she returned to Skyview High as a junior, her sister would be in Tennessee. It hurt, and made her nervous, but Gemma didn’t want to let that show. She knew Leigh would change her plans in a heartbeat if she thought Gemma was upset.

  And it was a ridiculous thing to be hurt over. Leigh was off to do great things. She had many goals she wanted to accomplish and many causes calling her name. But Gemma knew it had more to do with loving the safety her sister provided and having her sister around safely more than anything. She knew, if not for her attack, watching Leigh leave for college in a few months wouldn’t terrify her as much. As it was, the three who hurt her had hurt someone not far from where Leigh and Trent were set to go to school. That thought alone had made her vomit several times already. Thankfully, Leigh comforted her that day, promising not to go anywhere alone, or after dark too much. And she promised to carry a can of pepper spray with her at all times. It was an appeasement, but it helped.

  Gemma also felt guilty that for all the attention that had been directed at her the last several months, no one stopped to really appreciate Leigh. Even though she denied it, Gemma knew if had to sting a little. Her senior pictures had thankfully already been taken during August, before the attack, but Leigh didn’t seem too eager for the rest of the traditions. Sure she and Trent went to prom, and the gorgeous blue gown she wore was the thrill of the night. And yes, she even got a class ring. But Gemma felt if not for her, Leigh would have had the spotlight as she should have.

  However, Leighanna did not agree.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “What? Nothing,” she says sitting in her nook, staring out the window. It’s the middle of May, the sun is out, the weather is warming away from the cold of a late winter early spring, and she can hear birds chirping. She should be smiling. She should be outside, sitting in the makeshift hammock her dad had concocted, trying to read her zombie book that, while she enjoyed immensely, really was taking her forever to read. It probably had more to do with the fact she didn’t want it to end than anything else.

  “Liar.” Leigh enters her room and sits on the edge of her bed.

  “I was just thinking.” She doesn’t look at her sister. “If not for what happened, mom and dad would be planning a party for you instead of just some dinner at the Jim & Nicks. If not for what happened, you wouldn’t have thought twice about going to prom. You looked so beautiful, and I know you changed your dress at the last minute because you thought the other one, that red number with the slit up the side, was too revealing.”

  Leigh sighs. “Gemma, look at me please.” Gemma turns her head, sees her sister with a calm face. It’s nowhere near the face she expects to see. “For one, I chose the dress I did not because of how much skin it showed, but because the one I wanted cost too much. Seriously, that red dress was almost $200 and the blue one is under $100. And we both know dad would have had a conniption if I tried to walk out of the house with it on. Attack or no.” She looks pointedly at Gemma, because she’s right. The other dress probably would have given Andrew a panic attack because while Leigh isn’t his biologically, he loves her as though she were. Seeing his daughter that… revealed would have made him shit his pants, quite honestly. “And as for the other thing, there are some things you need to know.”

  “What sort of things,” Gemma asks.

  “For starters, I didn’t want a big party. I’d already told mom and dad that at the beginning of the school year,” she says quietly. “I have friends, but not a lot of really close friends. And the last thing I wanted was to have a bunch of people I don’t even like show up. Besides, we’re getting a huge table, my few good friends will be there, you will be there, so will Trent. I don’t need much more than that. And you know how much I love barbeque.”

  Gemma wants to cry. She is so lucky to have Leigh as her sister. “I love you, sissy. I hope you know that.”

  “Of course I do. You put up with my PMSing when no one else, not even Trent, will.” They both laugh at that. But it breaks the tension Gemma has been feeling. “And I want you to know, I know you’re worried about next year. But don’t be. I have a feeling I am leaving you in very capable hands in regards to Elliot. That boy will do just about anything for you.”

  “I know. I’m very lucky.”

  “No, you’re just you.”

  After that, Gemma felt less guilt, mostly because if she didn’t let some of it go, Leigh would have kicked her butt for it. And so when Leighanna Cage’s name was called that May 31st morning, Gemma was one of the loudest cheering as her sister walked across the stage.

  That night, at Jim
& Nicks, everyone celebrated the accomplishment of Leigh and Trent, as well as Trisha and Jake who were invited as well. While Leigh and Trent were heading south, Trisha was going to Northwestern while Jake was heading to Wisconsin. They were hoping the distance wouldn’t be detrimental, but both knew it was going to be hard.

  Before leaving that night, Trisha pulled Gemma aside and hugged her tightly.

  “I just want you to know, you are one of the strongest people I know. And while I wish so badly we didn’t meet how we did, I am so glad I got to know you outside of being Leighanna’s sister,” Trisha had said while Jake was grabbing their jackets. “You have my number, I’m keeping my cell with me when I move, so if you need anything, even just to talk to someone who understands, I’m here for you, okay? Night or day.”

  Gemma nodded, her eyes blurry. “Thank you, Trisha.”

  As Elliot walked up with Jake, still feeling awkward but pushing it aside, he smiled at Gemma. “Your mom is looking to leave in a bit,” he said to her. He didn’t really look at Trisha, and it wasn’t because of guilt at how dumb he’d been, or feeling like he shouldn’t look at her with Gemma in front of him. No, Elliot didn’t look at Trisha because even though he knew she was there, and Jake too, all Elliot could see was Gemma. It was like blinders had overtaken his eyes, and there wasn’t anyone else in the world.

  She nodded, a shy smile on her face at the way Elliot was looking at her. It was making her stomach flutter and her heart race. It was releasing something inside of her she didn’t think could be released yet. “Okay.”

  “Elliot?” It was Trisha. He looked at her then, figuring it would be rude to ignore her. Once his eyes landed on her pale face, Elliot realized many things in that instance. While he still found her pretty, she was nowhere near as beautiful as Gemma. And his heart didn’t feel like it was going burst out of his chest at the mere sight. If anything, it calmed, because she wasn’t the one it pulsed for. “Treat her right. I may not be around these parts next year, but I still have connections in this town.”