Critical Failures VII

by Robert Bevan

  “Excuse me, miss,” said the fat wizard as she turned to leave. “May I bother you to fetch a quill and ink?”

  The hostess smiled. “Of course, Master Fazul. I shall have it sent with your server.”

  Julian stared doubtfully at his menu. He wasn't much of a seafood lover, but the squid creature looked a lot more appetizing – or at least a lot less unappetizing – than the fucked-up chicken monster. He'd also feel weird about eating bird meat in front of Ravenus.

  “That's your name?” said Chaz. “Fazul?”

  “Indeed it is. Fazul of Sunny Meadows. Forgive me for not introducing myself sooner. I was overcome with excitement at meeting you, Mr... Now that I think about it, I don't actually recall learning your name.”

  “RazzmaChaz,” said Chaz.

  Julian snorted, then looked over his menu at Chaz. “That sounds like a name you might want to consult with a manager before publicly announcing.”

  “Now to find something for you to sign, if I may be so presumptuous.” Fazul patted down his robes, then reached into a pocket and pulled out a green silk drawstring bag, just a shade darker than Julian's veil. “This should do.”

  Julian tried not to stare too hard, but even Chaz seemed to be temporarily distracted from his celebrity douche persona as he gawked at the bag, as if finally understanding the significance of what might be inside.

  “I believe someone requested a quill?” said a waitress as she appeared at their table with a long peacock feather and a bottle of black ink. Julian recognized her as the same one who'd waited on him and Stacy, but she showed no sign of recognizing him.

  Fazul raised his hands to accept the quill and ink. “That was me, thank you.”

  The waitress leaned down to smile at Ravenus, who was perched on the edge of the table. Whether or not she meant to give them a peek down her shirt, Julian could only speculate as he averted his eyes. Neither Chaz nor Fazul made any such aversion.

  “Hello there,” she said to Ravenus. “And what is your name?”

  Julian made a token effort to disguise his voice. “His name is Ravenus. He only speaks the elven tongue.”

  “Is that right?” The waitress now spoke in a polished British accent. “Well, how do you do, Ravenus?”

  “I'm a bit peckish, to be honest,” said Ravenus. “Thank you for asking.”

  “Ruffle not your feathers over that. I'll be back with a special treat for you.” She gave him a wink.

  “That is very kind of you.”

  The waitress stood up straight. “And the rest of you?”

  “I'll have the kraken calamari,” said Julian.

  Fazul frowned doubtfully at his menu. “The cockatrice filet. Is that genuine cockatrice? I ordered some at Magic Wanda's the other day that tasted like a common chicken.”

  The waitress cupped her hand around the side of her mouth. “I've heard stories about Magic Wanda's from people who worked in the kitchen. I'd steer clear.” She lowered her hand. “But I can assure you that here at the Ivory Palace, we use only the finest ingredients. I can even bring you the head if you like.”

  Fazul smiled broadly. “That shan't be necessary, Zanni. You have never steered me wrong before. And would you please bring my special bottle of wine?”

  “Of course.” The waitress, Zanni, turned to Chaz. “And for you, sir?”

  Chaz tossed his menu aside. “I don't want any of that shit. Here's what I want, darlin'. I want you to bring me a peanut butter, banana, and bacon sandwich.”

  “Please accept my apologies, sir. But I do not know what that is.”

  “Don't be cruel, baby. This ain't rocket science.”

  “I do not know what that is either.”

  Chaz held his hands out flat. “You take two slices of bread. You spread some peanut butter on them. Add some banana slices and a few strips of bacon, then put them together.” He demonstrated by bringing his hands together.

  Zanni nodded. “I shall relay your request to the chef and do my utmost to accommodate you.”

  “Thank you very much.” Chaz leaned forward and raised an eyebrow. “If you want to accommodate me later, swing on by the Mortar & Pestle after your shift. You won't have trouble finding me. I'll be the one on the stage.”

  “Thank you. I shall certainly keep that in mind.” Zanni bowed slightly to Fazul, then headed for the kitchen.

  Fazul grinned at Chaz. “You have quite a way with the ladies, it seems.” He picked up his bag and dumped the contents unceremoniously onto the table.

  Julian's heart skipped a beat when he saw the black die with the tiny red glow in the center. It was lying there, easily within Julian's grasp, among an assortment of what appeared to be random junk. There was a steel arrowhead, a pearl earring, a couple of brightly colored stones, an iron ring in the shape of a ram's head, and other trinkets which Julian couldn't identify.

  His purpose for emptying the bag became clear when he flattened it out in front of Chaz.

  “Would you mind signing this?”

  “Huh?” said Chaz, suddenly shifting his gaze from the die to Fazul.

  “Truly, it would mean the world to me.” Fazul slid the quill and ink over to Chaz.

  Chaz looked down and saw the flattened bag in front of him. “Oh, sure.” He dipped the tip of the quill in the ink, tapped away some drops, and began the slow and painstaking task of writing the letter R. Julian had a little practice under his belt from writing scrolls, but he knew what Chaz was going through trying to write with a quill pen for the first time. By the time he'd scrawled his way to the first z, Zanni returned with a large and ornately decorated glass bottle half-full of green liquid, and a small tin bucket of what looked like animal entrails. Maybe it was some kind of exotic dipping sauce?

  “What is that?”

  “Animal entrails,” said Zanni.

  “Oh.” Julian supposed he should at least feel good about nailing his initial Perception check.

  “It's for your little friend.”

  Chaz looked up from his slow-going signature. “What? How the hell is that the best interpretation you could come up with of the sandwich I described?”

  Zanni leaned over and placed the bucket in front of Ravenus. “Here you are, Ravenus,” she said in the elven tongue. “Try to gobble it back quick as you can, before it starts to smell.”

  Ravenus stared down into the bucket. “But I like it when it starts to smell.”

  “Eat it while you can,” said Julian. “When our food gets here, that's leaving the table.”

  “Very well, sir.”

  “Your food should be ready in a few minutes,” said Zanni before heading back to the kitchen.

  Fazul poured drinks for Julian, Chaz, and himself while Chaz finished his signature. The latter part of it was decisively more legible than the first few letters. He was getting the hang of it pretty quickly. It might have been a good idea to practice a few times on a scrap of paper or a napkin or something, rather than do such a sloppy autograph for his first fan. Then again, Julian supposed that was a microcosm of the birth of their show business career on the whole. The mistakes they were making now were lessons they could –

  CLANG!

  “WHA–!” cried a passing waiter as his foot slipped out from under him.

  CRASH!

  The entire tray of food he'd been carrying spilled all over the floor when he went down. A red smear on the floor near his foot showed exactly where he'd stepped in Ravenus's dinner. The overturned tin bucket lay next to his ass.

  “Mercy of the gods!” said Fazul, standing up to assist the waiter. He and Julian pulled him up by his arms while Chaz continued working on his signature.

  Julian glared at Ravenus, more for show than from actual anger. “Ravenus, is there anything you'd like to say to this man?”

  Ravenus staggered back, spread his wings, and fell on his ass. “I'm so terribly sorry! I don't know what happened. Stupid, clumsy me!”

  Strangely, Julian didn't feel any sense of remorse from
his familiar. The feeling he was picking up through their Empathic Link was more like smug satisfaction. Had he done that on purpose? Did he have a score to settle with that waiter? Was he lashing out at Julian for not allowing him to give his animal guts time to fester?

  A team of goblins armed with mops, brooms, towels, and buckets swarmed the area and had the spilled food and entrails cleaned up in less time than it took for the waiter to rub the soreness out of the back of his head.

  After the goblins left the floor even cleaner than it had been before the food was spilled, the waiter mumbled some hurried apologies in return, then scurried as fast as he could toward the bathroom, presumably to wash off his viscera-stained pants.

  “What's gotten into you, Ravenus?” said Julian as he sat back down.

  Ravenus lowered his head. “I'm so very sorry, sir. It was an accident.”

  “Do not be so hard on your familiar,” said Fazul. “Everybody makes mistakes. The waiter suffered no more than a small moment of embarrassment. You will look back on this moment and laugh.”

  “Here's your bag,” said Chaz. “Sorry the first part's a little sloppy.”

  “Nonsense!” Fazul took the bag and admired it. “I shall treasure it always. Thank you so much!”

  “And here comes our food,” said Julian when he spotted Zanni headed toward him with a tray in hand. He was actually looking forward to his kraken calamari. He was so hungry now that he was tempted to start chewing on his veil.

  Ravenus got back on his feet and hopped out of the way as Fazul swept his random treasures back into his newly-autographed bag, and Julian started thinking about how he might get that bag away from him.

  Fazul and Chaz stared with hungry eyes as Zanni set down their dishes. Fazul's cockatrice filet looked like a large chicken breasts, dribbled with some kind of reddish-brown sauce. The chef had made an admirable attempt at Chaz's peanut butter, banana, and bacon sandwich, which was easily big enough to feed all three of them. No doubt being unfamiliar with their concept of sliced bread, the chef had simply cut an entire loaf in half, then stuffed the middle with peanut butter, bananas, and bacon.

  “Is this what you wanted?” Zanni asked Chaz.

  Chaz nodded. “It's... beautiful.”

  Zanni placed Julian's dish in front of him. But even as hungry as he was, he kept his eyes locked on Fazul, paying careful attention to precisely where he put his pouch. Inside pocket right under his left tit. With that information committed to memory, Julian looked down at his food. A single rubbery-looking ring rising up like a volcano from a forest of broccoli. Rivers of red sauce ran down the side like lava.

  He cut off a piece of the ring, dipped it in the sauce, and pulled his veil away from his face just far enough to take a bite. It had a chewy texture, and the sauce was sweet and just a little spicy. Delicious.

  He'd devoured almost all of the broccoli and half the kraken ring when he spotted Ravenus staring longingly at his food. He could feel his familiar's hunger.

  “Do you want some?”

  Ravenus's gaze jerked up to meet Julian's. “No, sir. I'm not very hungry at present.”

  “You must be. When's the last time you ate anything?” He cut off a small piece of kraken, then held his fork to Ravenus. “Here. Try one little bite. You might like it.”

  “Thank you, sir. But I'm afraid my stomach feels a bit out of sorts.”

  Julian laughed. “Come on. You eat rotting animal carcasses. A little bit of fresh meat isn't going to kill you. Just give it a try.”

  “I don't want it!” snapped Ravenus.

  Julian put down his fork, his own appetite suddenly gone. Ravenus had never taken that tone with him before. Even Chaz and Fazul paused in their eating.

  “It's okay, buddy,” said Julian. “You don't have to eat it. I'm sorry.”

  Ravenus bowed to him. “No, sir. It is I who must apologize. That was terribly rude of me. If you will excuse me, I would prefer to wait outside.”

  “Sure, Ravenus. Go ahead. We'll be out soon.”

  Instead of flying, Ravenus walked to the edge of the table, hopped down onto an empty chair, then onto the floor, then walked out of the restaurant and disappeared into the lobby.

  “What crawled up his ass?” asked Chaz through a mouthful of sandwich.

  “I don't know,” said Julian. “He's been acting weird. Maybe he's going through adolescence or something? He's talking back to me, asking you questions about sex. Is there such a thing as bird puberty?” He turned to Fazul. “Do you have a familiar?”

  “My cat, Wugsley. He is old and prefers to spend most of his time asleep in my room.”

  “Has he ever talked to you the way Ravenus just talked to me?”

  Fazul smiled warmly at Julian. “The bond between familiar and master is as strong as the closest friendship you'll ever have. But as with any relationship, the road is bound to have some bumps here and there. Whatever issues you two may be having, I can assure you they will smooth over with time. Next time you are alone with him, you should be open with your concerns, and encourage him to open up about what feelings he may be harboring. My guess is that you'll be thick as thieves again in no time.”

  “Thanks,” said Julian. “You're probably right.” Fazul seemed like a genuinely nice guy, and Julian felt bad about having to steal from him. Maybe there was another way. Maybe if he got him drunk enough during the show tonight, Chaz could persuade Fazul into giving him the die. Now that he thought about it, considering how hard Fazul was fanboying over Chaz, that was a way more feasible and less dangerous line of thinking than trying to steal from a high-level wizard anyway.

  “I hope you gentlemen have left room for dessert,” said Zanni from behind Julian. “We have a delicious pineapple cobbler.”

  Chaz gave her a double thumbs up. “Fuckin' A, mama! Bring that shit on.”

  “I don't think so, RazzmaChaz,” said Julian. “We have to go over your set list before tonight's show, and I have to check on my familiar.”

  “Speaking of familiar,” said Zanni, squinting and smiling at Julian. “I am almost certain I've heard your voice before. Have you dined with us in the past?”

  “Me? No, never. First time on the island, actually. I guess I've just got one of those voices, you know?”

  “Well, I know I'll stay for a bowl of pineapple crumble,” said Fazul.

  Bless your heart, Fazul. Julian was so grateful for someone taking the spotlight off him.

  He stood up and bowed slightly to Fazul. “Thank you for lunch. It was delicious.”

  “Truly, it was my pleasure. I look forward to seeing you both tonight.”

  Julian slapped Chaz on the shoulder. “Let's go and get ready for your big show.”

  Chaz stood up to follow him, then turned around and addressed the entire restaurant. “Come see me, RazzmaChaz, tonight at the Mortar & Pestle. That place is gonna be all shook up.”

  Amazed that it was possible to feel more self-conscious than he already had, Julian walked as briskly as he could out to the lobby.

  “I was thinking,” said Chaz once they were safely out of the restaurant. “I'll open with something upbeat this time, then take it down to the slow stuff for a while, and kick it back up toward the end.”

  “I don't give a shit about your playlist,” said Julian. “We need to talk about how we're going to get that die off him. I was thinking I'll ply him with drinks while you perform.”

  Chaz clapped his hands together. “Great plan, love it! Now, which do you think would be better to open with? You Got to Me or Thank the Lord for the Nighttime?”

  “That wasn't a plan!” snapped Julian. “That was just a first step. We need to get more specific about what we're going to do after the show. You'll need to convince him that he wants to give you that die. Also, You Got to Me. Save Thank the Lord for the Nighttime until it actually gets a little darker out.”

  “Good idea. Noted.”

  Julian stopped at the front doors of the Ivory Palace. “Hang back
here for a second. I want a minute alone with Ravenus.”

  “Sure thing.”

  Stepping out onto the street, now bustling with wizards and flying drink trays, Julian saw no sign of Ravenus. He knew he couldn't be too far off because he could still sense his emotions through their Empathic Link. Ravenus was nervous about something.

  “Sir!” the bird cawed less loudly than normal, drawing Julian's attention to his right. “Master Julian, down here.”

  Julian looked down to find Ravenus peeking his head out from the small alley between the Ivory Palace and the building next to it. He walked over as casually as he could, then slipped into the alley after Ravenus.

  “Are you okay?” he asked. “You were acting awfully strange in there.”

  “I apologize for snapping at you as I did, sir. I was suffering some discomfort in my cloaca, and I was terribly hungry. I still am.”

  “You snapped at me for trying to feed you!”

  “And I would have happily eaten it, but I couldn't risk eating anything that might cause me to shit myself. My dietary needs, as I'm sure you're aware by now, are different than yours.”

  “You had a nice bucket of festering animal guts to eat, and you dumped it over the side of the table. And don't even try to tell me that was an accident. I sensed you were very proud of yourself for that.”

  Ravenus puffed out his chest. “I don't mean to boast, sir. But I couldn't believe I actually pulled it off.”

  “Pulled what off?” said Julian. “Humiliating that poor waiter?”

  “He took quite a spill, didn't he?”

  “What did that guy ever do to you?”

  “Not a thing, sir. He was merely a distraction.”

  Julian wasn't sure he liked the sound of that. “What did you do, Ravenus? What did I miss?”

  Ravenus shut his eyes tight and began to ruffle his feathers and groan. He'd mentioned something about his insides being out of sorts. Could he be suffering from something more serious than having eaten a bit of viscera that wasn't quite off enough?

  “Ravenus? Are you okay? What's wrong?”

  Ravenus's groaning came to a crescendo, then abruptly stopped with an unexpected clattering sound.