Critical Failures VII

by Robert Bevan

  “Oh, my poor cloaca,” he said. “I can't tell you how relieved I am to be rid of that.”

  “Be rid of what?” asked Julian.

  Ravenus stepped aside to reveal a white, twenty-sided turd.

  Julian glanced back at the street before removing his veil, then he used it to pick up the die and wipe the bird shit off. “Jesus, Ravenus! You ate it?”

  “Of course not, sir. While everyone was distracted by the waiter, I fell back and sat on it. I relaxed my cloaca muscles and let it slide up inside me.” He ruffled his feathers again. “It felt slightly pleasurable at first, but soon became very uncomfortable.”

  “I don't know what to say.” Julian really didn't. He was torn between reprimanding Ravenus for taking such a dangerous risk and praising him for accomplishing their objective. After their spat in the restaurant, he opted to err on the side of praise. “Great job, buddy!”

  “Thank you, sir!”

  When he had the die wiped clean enough, Julian tucked it into the folds of his turban. The cape had too much shit on it to complement the rest of his outfit, and he certainly wasn't going to use it as a veil anymore. He tossed it in the alley, but held on to the clasp. It was nice-looking enough, and might be worth a couple of coins.

  “Come on,” he said to Ravenus. “Let's go get Chaz.”

  Chapter 31

  The walk back to the mine felt quicker than it had the first time, even with Tanner and Tony the Elf taking care not to step on sprouts along the way. Katherine supposed any length of travel would seem too quick, considering the task that lay ahead of them when they reached their destination.

  In the morning light, the scene was even grislier than Katherine remembered. The body that had been floating there when she first found it was bloated and discolored, and the bodies she'd dumped in there had turned the water reddish-brown with blood. The smell ranked up there with the dead fish on the beach for the worst smells she'd ever breathed in. She hated to have to dunk her Bag of Holding in there, but it was overdue for a wash anyway. She made a mental note to ask a wizard, next time they encountered one, if boiling it would have any adverse effect on its magical properties.

  Tanner frowned at the pool. “Should we start pulling out bodies?”

  Katherine shook her head. “There will probably be different tunnels and chambers down there. I was thinking we could designate one chamber as a burial site once we clear the water out.”

  “Nothing says respect for the dead like a mass grave,” said Tony the Elf.

  Katherine could tell by the way his eyes widened and his lips shut tight that it had slipped out before he thought it through, but Katherine had already considered the matter and felt like this was a good opportunity to defend her decision.

  “I'm being practical. We don't know these people's names, the ones who've been dead for weeks are beyond identification, and they're fucking gross. If you want to go dig individual holes, be my guest. But I've got a responsibility to the living right now, and I'm doing my best.”

  “I'm sorry,” said Tony the Elf. “I spoke without thinking.”

  Katherine sighed. “I know you did. It happens to the best of us. Don't beat yourself up over it. Let's just get through this.” She held her breath, knelt at the side of the hole, and dunked the Bag of Holding into the water, which immediately began to recede. It probably could have held a lot more, but Katherine pulled it out when she couldn't hold her breath any longer.

  She backed away from the hole and exhaled as she sat on a boulder. Reaching into the bag, she said, “Water.”

  As the putrid water flowed out onto the soil, hot tears streamed down her cheeks. All the grossness of death, all the weight of her responsibility, all the doubt that anyone would ever show up with one of those stupid dice fell on her at once. Before she knew it, she was sobbing uncontrollably.

  “Katherine!” said Tony the Elf. “What is it? What's wrong?”

  “What the fuck do you think?” she snapped between sobs. “I hate this place. I want to go home.”

  Tanner placed his hand on the Bag of Holding, and Katherine let him take it.

  “She carries a heavy burden,” he said to Tony the Elf. “Stay with her. I will take over for a time.”

  Tony the Elf sat next to her and put his arm around her shoulders. Katherine accepted his clumsy attempt at comforting her, but was ready to elbow the fuck out of him if he tried to make a move on her.

  Katherine let herself cry for a while. She needed it. But just like the pile of dead bodies in the mine, she wanted to limit her display of vulnerability to those few who had already seen it.

  When she was satisfied that she'd let out enough tears, she brushed off Tony the Elf's arm and composed herself.

  “Feeling better now?” asked Tony the Elf.

  Katherine nodded. “Let's go see how Tanner's doing.”

  Walking back to the mine entrance, she felt confident again. The cry had done her good. It was as if all of her fears and insecurities had flowed out through her eyes. She felt even better when she saw how much water Tanner had managed to clear out.

  As Katherine and Tony the Elf approached, Tanner was climbing up a rope that hung from a cylindrical beam running across the top of the wooden framework. With a couple of swings, he landed gracefully on the edge. He removed the Bag of Holding from inside his cloak, and dumped another bagful of water onto the already soggy ground. The hole went about twenty feet straight down, with tunnels leading in opposite directions at the bottom.

  “Impressive work,” admitted Tony the Elf.

  “It is not so bad now that the bodies are out of the way. It will be even easier if the two of you would be kind enough to crank me up and down.”

  Tony the Elf's eyes widened. “Excuse me?”

  Tanner gestured up to the wooden framework over the hole, where a wheel was connected to one end of the beam the rope was hanging from. If you turn that crank, you can pull me up and down on the rope. All this climbing is exhausting.”

  “What happened to all the bodies?” asked Katherine.

  “You were right about there being chambers down there.” Tanner sat on the edge and pointed down to one of the tunnels at the bottom. “That tunnel there only goes back about ten feet. Perhaps they used it for storage or something. I pushed all the bodies in there while there was still enough water for them to float on. It should make a suitable burial site. The floor is lower than the entrance, so burying them will only be a matter of leveling if off with earth.”

  “Where does the other tunnel go?”

  Tanner shrugged. “It goes down, but gradually. There is still much more water beyond what we can see from here. It could take weeks to clear it all out.”

  “We're not here for mining,” said Katherine. “We only need to clear enough out to find another chamber we can stick Mordred in so that we know where he is, but he doesn't. We'll want to go deep enough so that we can speak freely without him being able to hear us, but not so far that it's too much of a chore to go down there and feed him.”

  “In that case, we may be able to finish today, depending on how far down the next chamber is.” Tanner started to get to his feet to make another trip down, but Katherine put her hand on his shoulder.

  “Take a break. Rest your arms. Tony the Elf and I will fill a bag with dirt to bury the bodies. The sooner that's done, the easier I'll rest.”

  Looking relieved, Tanner leaned back against one of the support columns. “I shall do as my captain commands.”

  The earth immediately surrounding the mine entrance was free of saplings. Perhaps something involved in the mining process had made the soil barren. It would do well enough for burial purposes though. Katherine dropped to her knees and started digging. The earth was hard, rocky, and unyielding. She and Tony the Elf were able to scrape up a bit of loose dirt, but it would take forever to collect an appreciable amount.

  “We'll wear our fingers down to the bones before we get enough dirt to bury all those bodies,” sa
id Katherine, chucking an unearthed rock into her bag. “Maybe we'd be better off bringing in sand from the beach.”

  “Maybe,” said Tony the Elf. “Or maybe not. Look.” He nodded past Katherine.

  She turned around to find Butterbean mimicking their efforts, only much more effectively. His tough claws were made for digging.

  Katherine sat back and massaged her fingers. “Good boy, Butterbean! Keep it up.”

  “Dave!” shouted Tony the Elf. His sheepdog bounded over enthusiastically like he was hoping Tony the Elf would have a stick to throw. “Can you dig?”

  Dave panted excitedly with his tongue hanging out.

  “Dig,” repeated Tony the Elf, then bent over to demonstrate. To Katherine's surprise, the dog actually started to catch on. Before long, he was digging almost as effectively as Butterbean.

  Katherine got herself into as comfortable a sitting position as she could. “While they're taking care of that, I think this would be a good time for me to prepare my spells.”

  Tony the Elf nodded. “Okay.”

  “I need an undisturbed hour of meditation, so please don't distract me unless absolutely necessary.”

  “You got it.”

  Katherine closed her eyes and cleared her mind. It was almost instinctive now that she'd done it enough times, like seeing the image in those Magic Eye posters at the mall. In her mind, the inner workings of those forces of nature hidden to ordinary people became clear. What common folk referred to as 'magic' was no more mystifying to her than the cycles of evaporation and condensation, or the changing of the seasons. Summoning a beast to fight on her behalf, or conversing with the plants and animals of the forest, was simply a matter of knowing how nature worked and how to manipulate it. Her understanding had grown recently, and now she even knew how to...

  Shit. Those poor dogs, toiling away for nothing.

  She didn't let that stop her from enjoying the rest of her meditation. Instead, she spent the remaining time studying what new knowledge nature had bestowed upon her and chose that which she felt would best carry her through the rest of the day.

  When she came out of her trance, she was relieved that she'd chosen at least one of those spells. Butterbean and Dave's combined efforts, despite being far better than what she and Tony the Elf could have accomplished in the same amount of time, were still far short of what she'd need to bury the bodies.

  “Butterbean, Dave.”

  They stopped digging and looked attentively up at her.

  “Great job, guys. Take a break. Go mark your territories or something.”

  Butterbean seemed to understand her, responding with a quick bark before running off to find a tree stump to piss on. Dave turned to Tony the Elf for confirmation, then took off after Butterbean.

  “You looked so peaceful,” said Tony the Elf. “You didn't strike me as the meditation type.”

  Katherine laughed. “You mean like zodiacs and healing crystals and all that bullshit? Yeah, I'm totally not.”

  “If you could see yourself before and after like I see you, you might change your tune.”

  “We're in a fantasy game,” said Katherine. “Fantasy bullshit is what passes for reality here, and I need to do that in order to use magic. Speaking of which, I just learned a new spell that I think is going to save us a lot of time and effort.”

  “Morganstern's Magical Shovel?”

  “Is that really a thing?”

  “No, I don't think so.”

  “I've got something even better.” Wanting Tanner to witness her new spell too, she turned to where he'd been resting and discovered that he was no longer there. “Where's Tanner?”

  “He got bored. He took the Bag of Holding and went down for a few more bagfuls of water. He should be back up in a few minutes if you want to wait for him.”

  Katherine considered it for a moment. “Nah. It'll be more fun to see his face when he gets back up here and sees what I've done. He'll be all like, 'Whoa! How'd you do that?' And I'll be like, 'I don't know. I guess you're not the only resourceful person on this island after all.'”

  “Well, that's not at all insulting to the rest of us.”

  Katherine let out a little laugh of relief. “Oh, good. It felt a little weird there for a second when I said it aloud.”

  “You don't need to prove yourself to him, Katherine. You don't need to prove yourself to anyone.”

  Katherine knew that was bullshit. She'd had to swim upstream proving herself to these people ever since she arrived in this world. She'd be damned if she was going to slow down now that she was doing such a kick-ass job of it.

  “Just stand back and get a load of this shit.” She pointed at the hard rocky ground. “Soften Earth and Stone!”

  She immediately sank to her chest in thin runny mud.

  “What the hell?” said Tony the Elf, also swimming in mud.

  Her spell had worked better than expected, and they were being swept counter-clockwise around the mine hole which threatened to swallow them and their animal companions like a giant toilet.

  “Just keep treading mud!” said Katherine. “We'll be okay as long as –”

  CRACK!

  The framework supporting the crank shaft buckled under a lack of foundation.

  “Tony the Elf!” cried Katherine. “Watch out!” But she was too late. Tony the Elf looked up just in time to catch a heavy wooden beam to the face. Why couldn't he have picked a shorter name?

  Katherine caught one of the support columns which was heavy enough to remain relatively stable against the force of the muddy whirlpool and waited for Tony the Elf's unconscious or dead body to drift into reaching distance.

  She grabbed his arm and held on until the level of the flowing mud descended below them. Dave the dog whined as he put his paws on Tony the Elf's shoulder. Katherine pushed the dog away, then flipped Tony the Elf's mud-covered body over on the hard rocky bowl of earth it left behind. She grabbed him by the throat to check his pulse. That's not exactly the way she remembered seeing people do it on TV, but she didn't know exactly where to find the arteries she was looking for, and figured she should cover as much surface area as possible. After groping his neck ineffectually for a few seconds, she noticed his chest was moving up and down. He was breathing.

  She sighed with relief. That had been a close one. It was probably for the best that Tanner hadn't seen –

  TANNER!

  All of the liquid mud had drained into the mine, leaving behind a fifty-foot diameter crater. Even worse, the broken remains of the crank shaft support framework had settled over the hole, blocking her from going down there. Any single piece of it was too heavy for her to move by herself. She needed help. She needed Tony the Elf to wake the fuck up.

  “Tony the Elf!” cried Katherine, slapping his cheek. “Wake up!”

  “Ow!” said Tony the Elf. “Stop hitting me!” When Katherine stopped hitting him, he sat up and rubbed the side of his face, then flinched. He opened the other eye and looked around. “How long was I out? Where are we?”

  “We haven't moved. I cast a Soften Earth and Stone spell and accidentally created a giant crater.”

  “Thanks so much for that.”

  “Tanner's still down in the mine. I just flushed a ton of mud down on him.”

  Tony the Elf's eye widened, then focused on the pile of wooden beams covering the hole. “We'll never get to him in time.”

  “We have to try. Get off your ass and help me!”

  Tony the Elf struggled to his feet and stumbled after her toward the hole. “Cut me a a little slack, would you? You just punched me in the face with a tree trunk.”

  “Here,” said Katherine. “Help me push this one out of the way.” She and Tony the Elf pushed one of the beams as hard as they could, nudging it a few inches to the right. She wished she could turn into a gorilla to throw this shit out of her way, or a beaver or swarm of termites or something that could eat through it. But she'd already blown her animal shapeshifting ability for the day, an
d none of those animals were in her repertoire anyway.

  It was at least fifteen minutes before they'd cleared a space large enough for Katherine to slip through, and the pile of debris looked like it could collapse in on itself at any second.

  Tony the Elf frowned sympathetically at Katherine. “If he was buried under the mud, we're already too late.”

  Katherine wasn't having any of it. “I have to know.”

  “If all this shit collapses, you'll be trapped down there with him. I'm not going to be able to move it by myself.”

  “Then you can go back to the beach and get help. Or I'll wait until tomorrow and turn into a fucking frog or something. I'm going down there.”

  Loyal Animal Companion that he was, Butterbean trotted down to accompany Katherine as she wriggled down through the gap.

  “You stay here,” she said to him. “I'll be okay.”

  Butterbean whined at her.

  “You're not going to be any help to me down there, and you'll be a pain in the ass to pull back out. Don't worry. I've got this.”

  Butterbean licked her face and lay down in front of her.

  Not daring to count on any of the debris to assist her, she lowered herself to her elbows at the edge of the hole, then prepared to lower herself even further when the slippery mud residue caused her to lose her grip.

  “FUCK!” she cried as she fell, but it was a shorter fall than she'd anticipated. She splashed down into a muddy puddle after about a ten foot drop, and even managed to keep on her feet. It made sense, now that she thought about it. Her spell had turned the upper half of this entry shaft into mud.

  “Katherine?” Tony the Elf shouted down after her.

  “I'm okay,” she responded in a normal inside voice. “It wasn't that far a drop.”

  It was dark, though. The debris above her blocked out most of the sunlight. And what little made it down to her didn't penetrate far into the tunnel.

  She pulled out her new sword, both to protect herself from anything that might be down here and to use as a focus for a Light spell. Much to her surprise, the blade was already giving off a faint red glow. It wasn't bright enough to illuminate her surroundings. In fact, she probably wouldn't have noticed it at all if she hadn't been in near total darkness. It was something of interest that would have to wait. But in the meantime, she didn't want to sully whatever magic her sword was packing with a 0-level Light spell. Instead, she felt the earthen wall for a chunk of rock she could pry free.