The Vlogger Diaries

by T. Collins

  Next I got this cute shirt, which has these amazing little pops of yellow. How spring is that? I just know I’m going to keep it forever.

  [I’m not. It’s currently in my closet with all the rest of the stuff, wrapped in five plastic bags so Loki can’t mistake it for his litter tray and make it impossible to return.]

  At first Emma didn’t want to say the bit about Destiny’s shoulders being freakishly wide, but I explained it was part of the character. All the best vloggers pretend they’re hideous, even if they’re actually gorgeous. That’s just what you have to do these days. You can’t brag, you have to humblebrag.

  Instead of saying, ‘I’ve just been announced as the new face of L’Oreal,’ you have to say, ‘Wow, I can’t believe I’m the new face of L’Oreal. Haven’t they seen my massive bum chin?’ And instead of saying, ‘I’ve just been invited to Kanye West’s birthday party,’ you have to say, ‘I can’t believe I’m going to be rubbing shoulders with all those celebs. What could a nobody like me possibly have to say to them?’

  Emma went along with it, but she seemed kind of annoyed. She’s always a bit grumpy when she comes round, like she’s worried she’ll catch loser disease from me. But as soon as I say we’re recording she comes across as the sort of best friend I wish I had.

  She even stayed in character to do a live stream where she read out the best comments on the video.

  I thought this would be a good way to build up a loyal fanbase, but we had to abandon it after a few minutes because my brother Charlie kept running around outside my room, making high-pitched noises and giggling.

  In the end I got rid of him by threatening to show Mum and Dad the doorbell video. He got his friend Michael to film him ringing all the doorbells on our street last week. I pretended I found it really funny and asked him to send it to me. Obviously I just wanted it to blackmail him with, but he was too stupid to work it out.

  SUNDAY APRIL 2ND

  Taking all the clothes back was really awkward. I said they were the wrong size, which was true, but the customer service staff must have wondered what kind of deluded idiot buys an entire wardrobe three sizes too small.

  Every time I checked my phone I saw a new comment, and that cheered me up between all the shame:

  Crazy Kaitlin 2001

  *How spring is that* <3 <3 <3

  xxFashionGirlxx

  OMG I bought that exact same top this week we are so alike.

  CourtenyOMG

  Dstiny in best I allways watch UR video LOL

  Translate

  Pedantic Penguin

  Your English is so bad I’ve just been given the option to translate it.

  CourtenyOMG

  If U dont lik it dont red LOL

  Translate

  destinyisperfect

  Your shoulders are not *freakishly wide* They are perfect.

  Poppy M

  This video is soooo amazing

  SHOUTING LAUREN

  DESTINY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOO

  Koharu99

  I am from Tokyo

  DestinyMonster02

  Love U Destiny.

  The video got to 500 views by lunchtime, but since then it’s only crept up to 700. That’s a solid fanbase, but it’s not going to get me to New York.

  I’ve checked the option on my account that means I’ll get a share of the profits if my fans click on the adverts. It’s impossible to work out how many viewers I’d need, but basically it’s a lot more.

  In other words, Destiny needs to go viral.

  Okay. Maybe I should involve Loki. Cat videos always go viral. I could get him to pull a funny face like Grumpy Cat, or strike a funny pose like Surprised Kitten, or creep around in a funny way like Ninja Cat. He’s bound to do something hilarious if I promise him a biscuit. And if he ever wakes up.

  8PM

  Well that didn’t work. I filmed Loki for over an hour and he did nothing but sleep on the radiator. The only way I can guarantee to get him moving would be to put the vacuum on. But that would just make him hide under the bed, which is hardly viral gold.

  Okay, I need a better idea.

  I’ve got it! I’ll give Destiny a boyfriend. Vlogging couples are always crazily popular. I’ll have to pay for another actor, which will double the cost of each recording. But if I can make them adorable enough, the fans will spread the word and the channel will get hundreds of thousands of views, rather than just hundreds. That’s surely got to be enough to get me the fanbase I need.

  MONDAY APRIL 3RD

  INTRODUCING GALE | THE DESTINY CHANNEL

  Welcome to all my new subscribers. I love you guys SO MUCH! This time I’m going to introduce you to someone really special. No, it’s not Loki again, it’s my amazing boyfriend Gale. Ta-dah!

  [I got a guy from Emma’s theatre group who could play ‘Gale’ at short notice. He’s actually called Callum and he seems pretty dumb. He kept asking what his motivation was. I already promised to pay him £10. What more does he want? But he’s hot and the fans will fall for him, I’m sure.]

  Give the fans a wave, Gale! Isn’t he awesome?

  [I wanted to call Destiny’s boyfriend Jacob, or Michael or Josh, or something else from the list of most popular boy’s names, but Emma insisted on calling him Gale because of The Hunger Games. It’s not even a boys’ name. We might as well call him Katniss.]

  Today we’re going to play the whisper challenge. Here’s how it goes. Gale wears these headphones and I whisper things to him. He has to work out what I’m saying by reading my lips. Then we swap, and whoever gets the fewest points has to make the other’s favourite meal.

  I wouldn’t say Callum is the best actor in the world. I wouldn’t even say he was the best actor in the room – Loki totally convinced me yesterday that he hadn’t already been fed. But if I stick to challenge videos it should make things easier for him. All he has to do is focus on winning the game and forget about acting and it will come across as natural.

  I wrote a good ending for this video, even if I say so myself. Gale wins the challenge, meaning Destiny has to do the cooking. But then he reveals he’s done it anyway, and goes downstairs to fetch Destiny’s favourite meal of pepperoni pizza. They hug and share a slice. The video ends. The fans love it. I get to go to New York. Hopefully.

  After the recording was over I got Emma and Callum to come up with ideas about their characters, because I thought it might help with future videos. Turns out I thought wrong.

  Emma came up with a complicated backstory about how Destiny had been mute until the age of eight, when seeing her first ever online video inspired her to start talking, and ever since then she’d dedicated her life to becoming the greatest ever vlogger.

  Callum came up with an even less likely one about how they’d fallen in love in an airport, missed their flights and the planes had collided in mid-air, killing everyone on board.

  I jotted down their ideas and promised to use them in the future. When they’d gone I tore the page out of my notebook and threw it away. So much for getting the acting talent to help out.

  10PM

  I posted the video two hours ago and I’ve had 316 views, 186 likes and 12 comments already:

  Chloe C

  Love U both

  Planet Kate

  Gale 4ever

  xxFashionGirlxx

  2:04 Oh my god …

  Flames R Us

  I HOPE U BOTH DIE

  IPAD BARGAINZ

  RETAILERS HATE THIS LOOPHOLE! BRAND NEW IPADS FOR UNDER $30!

  Chloe C

  How do you eat pizza and stay thin?

  Crazy Kaitlin 2001

  Gale <3 <3 <3

  TUESDAY APRIL 4TH

  The Gale video was up to over 1000 views when I checked it this morning! The comment with the most likes was:

  Leah Yeah Yeah

  Thumbs up if you came here from Clickfeed.

  I went to the Clickfeed site and between ‘14 Cats Having a Way Worse Day Than You’ and ‘18
Things You’ll Only Understand if You Have Strict Parents’ was a listicle called ‘Ten New Vlogs You Need to Watch Right Now’. The Destiny Channel was number eight on the list.

  Most of the others vlogs had been recently retweeted by Vesper Vlogs too, so they probably didn’t spend too long researching it. But I’m not complaining.

  Every time I checked I had more views. I looked at my phone so much in class that Mr Robinson confiscated it until after school. When I finally got it back I thought there must have been a mistake. The view count had gone up to 15,000.

  By the time I was home, the view count had gone up to 20,000. It’s 10pm now and it’s just gone past 30,000.

  This is it. I’m going viral.

  Okay, okay, I need to keep calm. Must sleep, mustn’t think about views, must sleep, mustn’t think about views.

  1AM

  45,000 views now. Yay!

  WEDNESDAY APRIL 5TH

  Over 60,000 now. I tried to tell Emma at lunchtime, but she was sitting with the Swans and she totally blanked me.

  The Swans is obviously a stupid name, and they’re only called that because the ringleader, Jasmine, is meant to look like Bella Swan from Twilight. Except she doesn’t really look like her, she just bites her lower lip all the time like that actress did. I think the name was supposed to mock them, but they took it as a compliment.

  The only other Swan apart from Emma and Jasmine is Grace. A girl called Chloe used to be in the gang too, but they threw her out for wearing school shoes on no-uniform day. That’s how harsh they are. To be fair to Emma, she did tell me not to act like her friend if I saw her in school. She said it the first time she came round. But she seems so friendly when she’s playing Destiny I forget what she’s really like.

  At lunchtime I sat down opposite her and said ‘hi’. She looked away, as did the other Swans. I felt like telling the silent lip-biters to get over themselves, but I just stared down at the table and ate my Doritos.

  So guess what? I’m going to keep all the good news about the vlog to myself. If Emma’s going to be like that she doesn’t deserve to know we’re going viral, and she doesn’t deserve a slice of the profits when they roll in. She can stick to her £10 fee while I make millions.

  If she complains I’ll just look the other way and pretend I can’t hear her, in proper Swan style.

  8PM

  I was reading through all the comments on the Gale video this evening when I saw this one:

  Jack C

  Fake

  I was so shocked I spat Fanta over my keyboard, which at least meant I had to clean it for once. Was this guy on to us? Everyone else seemed convinced by Emma and Callum, so how had he seen through them?

  I clicked through to Jack C’s profile and it showed his recent activity.

  RECENT ACTIVITY

  Jack C commented on the video Crazy Student Sets Fire to School Canteen.

  Fake

  Jack C commented on the video Guy Loses an Arm in Shark Attack.

  Fake. Look at 0:55 his arm is clearly made of rubber, it’s so bendy. This is staged.

  Jack C commented on the video Woman Crashes Through Convenience Store Window.

  Fake

  Jack C commented on the video Woman Loses it in Wendys.

  Fake. This is an actress.

  Jack C commented on the video 1969 Moon Landings.

  Fake. 2:33 There is no air on the moon so the flag should not be waving. This was filmed in a movie studio.

  It was okay. Jack C was one of those people who insist everything they ever see is fake. None of my fans bothered arguing with him and his comment was soon washed away on a tide of Gale and Destiny fan love.

  Crisis over. Phew.

  THURSDAY APRIL 6TH

  The last video has had over 80,000 views now. That’s enough to fill a stadium. Maybe I should hire one and get Emma and Callum to play the whisper game live.

  Even though I took my dinner up to my room and ate it while I was reading the comments, Mum made me come down and load the dishwasher. It didn’t seem right that someone with 80,000 fans should still have to do chores. Surely I should have an entourage to take care of that sort of thing now.

  Online success is a weird thing. You can be broadcasting to tens of thousands of fans one minute and the next you’re scraping soggy broccoli into a bin. And they wonder why I hate leaving my bedroom.

  FRIDAY APRIL 7TH

  Destiny was sent a message from someone called ‘Sparkle Smiles’ this morning:

  Hi Destiny! We love your vlog and think you’d be a great fit for our brand. DM us your postal address if you’re interested in an exciting promotion deal.

  I had no idea what Sparkle Smiles were, or what they were asking me to do, but I spotted the words ‘promotion’ and ‘deal’ and thought it might involve money, so I told them I was interested.

  SATURDAY APRIL 8TH

  I was woken up by the doorbell early this morning. A minute later Dad brought a huge ‘Sparkle Smiles’ box to my room. He lectured me about spending money on things I didn’t need as I tried to rip the box open.

  When I finally got inside I found a load of bubble wrap and eight white packets containing tiny golden stars, hearts and dolphins. They looked like earrings, but didn’t seem to have any attachments.

  At the bottom of the box was a tiny pot of glue and a letter.

  Dear Destiny,

  We’re so pleased you’ve accepted our offer. As agreed, we enclose your complimentary Sparkle Smiles tooth jewels. It would be great if you could wear them while recording your next vlog and draw attention to them in a way that feels natural. You could lift your lip up and say, ‘These Sparkle Smiles tooth jewels are so on trend. If I were you I’d go to sparklesmiles.com and buy some right now. That address again is sparklesmiles.com.’

  Feel free to return the unopened boxes to us if you don’t think this will work for your brand.

  Thanks so much for agreeing to this and I hope you’re as excited as we are.

  Felicity Hamilton-Johnson

  Social Marketing Manager

  Sparkle Smiles

  I’m not really sure what to do. I was hoping to be paid in money rather than tacky jewellery. On the other hand, I’m quite pleased the vlog has already caught the attention of someone with the job title ‘Social Marketing Manager’. And I’m amazed to discover the videos we made in my bedroom are a ‘brand’.

  I’ve already opened the boxes so I can’t really return them. On the other hand, the tooth jewels are really awful. I tried wearing them but they kept falling off, and they made my mouth taste of envelopes.

  Maybe I could make some money by selling them in school. But everyone already thinks I’m weird. I’d be an outcast forever if I tried to flog dodgy jewels that make you look like the world’s cheapest gangsta rapper. Why did I ever agree to this?

  SUNDAY APRIL 9TH

  Okay. I’m going to play hardball. I started this vlog to make enough for the New York trip, not to fill my mouth with what look like stray fillings. I’ve researched marketing lingo online and written an email demanding payment, sent from a Destiny email account I had to create.

  Sparkle Smiles and Destiny Vlog

  From: Destiny

  Sunday, 9 April 19:32

  To: Felicity Hamilton-Johnson

  Dear Felicity Hamilton-Johnson,

  Thank you so much for the boxes of Sparkle Smiles tooth jewellery. As you will be aware, my vlog has a regular audience of over 100,000. As such, it is a unique promotional opportunity to reach a key demographic.

  Because of this, I use standard rates for product placement. The rate for me to mention your tooth jewels will be £100. I’m afraid this is non-negotiable. However, as my channel reaches high-end ABC1 consumers, I’m sure you’ll agree this cost is fair.

  If this is acceptable please send the funds to the bank account linked to my secretary’s email address: oliviajdwarren@gmail.com

  Kind regards

  Destiny

 
; MONDAY APRIL 10TH

  The reply came through to my phone during history this afternoon.

  Re: Sparkle Smiles and Destiny Vlog

  From: Felicity Hamilton-Johnson

  Monday, 10 April 14:02

  To: Destiny

  No problem. Sending funds through now,

  F

  And that was it. I checked my bank account and the money was there. I was so shocked I couldn’t concentrate on my worksheet.

  Is it that easy to make money? All my life I’ve begged for more allowance, yet this Felicity woman pops up from nowhere and gives me free money.

  I wondered if I should have held out for more. Felicity agreed to £100 straight away. What if I’d asked for double that? Triple? More? How much do these people have to throw around? Felicity could spend £500 every day on mineral water and croissants for all I know. I’ll just have to drive a harder bargain next time I’m offered something like this.

  In the meantime, I need to keep my part of the deal. Time to write a script with some subtle product placement.

  TUESDAY APRIL 11TH

  APRIL FAVOURITES | THE DESTINY CHANNEL