The Vlogger Diaries

by T. Collins

  Hey guys. Just thought I’d have a quick chat about what I’m loving at the moment. First up I’m super super loving this medium brown sculpting brow mascara. Let me show you it in action … Check. That. Out.

  [Emma had a metal star, half moon and dolphin stuck to her teeth as she did the mascara demo.

  We had to do four takes because they kept spinning off on to my keyboard. One of the love hearts got stuck next to the ‘v’ key and I was on the verge of renaming the video ‘April Stuff I Like’ before I finally managed to dislodge it.]

  The next thing I’m loving this month are these Sparkle Smiles tooth jewels. Trust me, these are going to take off in a big big way. You’ll find them on their website sparklesmiles.com. They come with their own glue that won’t permanently damage your teeth. Look how they reflect the light – so pretty. Want!

  [At this point I got Emma to lift up her lip and show the jewels to the camera. They all sprang out again, but I managed to cut to the next April favourite just before they did.]

  I’ve uploaded the video now and I think I got away with it. The tooth jewels were just one of five April favourites, and the others were all good-quality things. I should only feel 20% guilty.

  The problem was that Emma got so annoyed by the taste of glue she didn’t get into the role as much as usual. Her performance was quite flat and she kept saying she wanted to go home whenever I asked for another take.

  She also stormed off after we’d finished, so we couldn’t do the live stream thing where she reads out the comments as they come in. But I think that might have been because I offered to pay her in tooth jewels instead of cash. It was worth a try.

  10PM

  So far the video has had 1752 views and just 143 likes, which is well below the usual level. I’ve even had 37 thumbs down, and I usually get fewer than 10. The comments were much more mixed too:

  X Katy X

  Meh

  Leah Yeah Yeah

  I love all your videos, keep them coming. Destiny fandom 4 ever.

  Chloe C

  Those teeth jewel things look gross.

  Evil Liam 13

  You look like you were chewing gold spinach and got some stuck in your teeth.

  ThatztottalyCate

  Thnaks for thes vidz.

  Ant The Pedant

  Well done. You managed to spell three out of the four words in your comment wrong.

  ThatztottalyCate

  Haterz gon hat

  OMG AMY

  0:15 Would this work also with supercurler black mascara?

  Finn Funn

  Do not under any circumstances attempt this with supercurler black mascara. Your life and the lives of your family would be in danger.

  Planet Kate

  Pls wen is Gale coming back?

  WEDNESDAY APRIL 12TH

  I’m starting to feel guilty about the tooth jewels now. I really hope none of the fans bought them.

  I can’t think about it now, anyway. I’ve got to write the script for tomorrow’s video.

  I need to make Destiny and Gale as adorable as I can, so the fans will be even more upset when I break them up in a couple of weeks.

  Oh, did I mention I’m going to split the golden couple up soon? It will get the fans talking, more people will find out about the vlog, and the view counts will shoot up. Mwah ha ha.

  THURSDAY APRIL 13TH

  HOW WELL DO WE KNOW EACH OTHER? | THE DESTINY CHANNEL

  Hey guys! You asked for him and here he is. The one and only Gale is back! Ta-dah!

  [At this point Callum was meant to jump in and land on the chair next to Emma, but he overbalanced and ended up on the floor. Emma managed to stay in character and shouted, ‘Oh my god, Gale, I am so keeping that in!’]

  Today we’re doing a challenge called ‘How Well Do We Know Each Other?’ It’s really, really simple. I’ll ask Gale questions about me, he’ll ask me questions about him, whoever gets the most wrong has to buy the other a present. Try it at home with your boyfriends, girlfriends, sisters, brothers, best friends, whoever.

  Emma and Callum kept collapsing into hysterics after the chair thing. I had to edit the final video from five different takes.

  In my original script, they were both meant to get all the questions right until the very end, when Gale gets Destiny’s favourite colour wrong and says green instead of the real answer, purple. She gets upset, but then he gives her a purple teddy hugging a love heart to prove he knew the answer all along.

  The problem was they were laughing so much they didn’t even get halfway through the script. I was pretty annoyed while we were filming – I’d spent time honing that script to perfection. But when I edited the video together I had to admit it worked well. Better than if they’d stuck to my version, maybe.

  I guess that’s something to keep in mind. People watch vlogs because they want them to feel real. If they wanted fake they could watch blockbuster movies where bald men walk away from exploding cars in slow motion. If Emma and Callum improvise and it feels natural, I should use it in the video, whatever I had planned.

  This video shot up to over 5000 views right away, and the fans much preferred it to the tooth jewel one:

  Pixie Sunshine YAY

  All the feels.

  Poppy M

  OMG I can’t even …

  Aleksandra Love Heart

  0:15 LMAO

  Kanye West Is Your Mother

  I’m going to be sick.

  Pixie Sunshine YAY

  We don’t care about your childish comments, we just ignore them.

  Kanye West Is Your Mother

  I see. You don’t care. That’s why you bothered to reply.

  Chloe C

  Cutest couple on the internet #Gestiny

  SHOUTING LAUREN

  OMG HES LIKE SO CUTE WHEN HE COMES ON IM LIKE IM SCREAMING AND MOM WAS LIKE WHAT WAS THAT BUT IM LIKE HES HOT SO WHATEVER LOL

  Leah Yeah Yeah

  I never want you to break up ever.

  DatFreakyGrrl

  Don’t even oh my god …

  Pixie Sunshine YAY

  I would be destroyed.

  Abi To The Gail

  Four dislikes??? Who would even dislike this???

  Evil Liam 13

  Me.

  10PM

  All my old friends from school have stopped texting me back now. I’ve had no replies to the last messages I sent to Jess, Sam, Han and Steph. I’m not surprised about Steph, and I wasn’t even sure about keeping in touch with her anyway, but I thought the others would at least send me a smiley. We’re talking about two taps of a screen. Surely that’s not too much to ask.

  I’m going to have to move on now or I’ll start looking desperate. Bye, old school friends.

  In the meantime I’ve got all the comments from the Destiny fans to read. I’ve never met these people, and most don’t even live in this country, but at least they’re bothering to write to me. Or to Destiny. Whatever.

  FRIDAY APRIL 14TH

  The day after I write about needing to make friends, someone new sits next to me in chemistry. But here’s the bad news. It’s not someone I would ever EVER want to hang around with.

  I always sit on the desk at the front because it’s the only one that’s free. The Swans sit at the back, everyone else sits in the middle and I have to go at the front like I’m such a big chemistry fan that I want the best view possible.

  I’ve got so used to sitting alone I always put my bag on the other seat. But today a boy called Sebastian asked if the seat was free. As I was moving my rucksack to the floor, his breath hit me and I wished I’d refused.

  He smelled like cheesy puffs, and my suspicions were confirmed when he started speaking and I could see bright orange crumbs stuck between his braces and teeth.

  And the things he said were just as annoying as the smell. He was one of those people who feel the need to boast about absolutely everything.

  He told me about how he’d scored a perfect game last time
he went bowling, how he got the highest mark in three years on the maths test and how he’s so naturally good with computers that they banned him from the lunchtime coding club. Yeah, I’m sure his breath had nothing to do with it.

  I stared down at my worksheet and blocked him out, but he still wouldn’t take the hint. He went on and on about how he’d completed the new Call of Duty game on expert setting. I told him I wasn’t really into games (Translation: shut up shut up shut up), but he kept going.

  I didn’t want to be mean to Sebastian, but if I encouraged him he’d sit next to me every lesson and then at lunchtimes too and then everyone would start thinking I smelled of cheesy puffs too and we’d become the cheesy puff gang and my life would be over. I know it’s harsh, but that’s how school works.

  6PM

  My brother barged in this evening and announced he’d been listening at the door and he knows I’ve invented a fake vlogger. He threatened to tell Mum and Dad that I’d been lying to people, so I said I’ll tell them about the time he blocked the sinks in the shopping centre with paper towels. I’m glad he boasts about all the stupid stuff he does. It means I’m never short of stuff to blackmail him with.

  10PM

  Thanks to my stupid brother I’ve spent the whole evening worrying about whether I’m misleading the Destiny fans. The vlog’s taken off so fast I haven’t thought about it much.

  Okay. Here’s where I’ve got to.

  Most people put across a fake version of themselves online. Like they’ll post on Facebook and Instagram when they’re heading out to a party, but not when they’re staying in to watch sad films on Netflix and use their cat as a hanky. And a lot of celebrities get their minions to write their tweets, their songs, their books and everything else, and this isn’t so different.

  As long as the fans enjoy the vlog, it doesn’t matter if it’s real or not. Worry over.

  SATURDAY APRIL 15TH

  I didn’t want Charlie’s threat hanging over me, so I decided to confess everything to Mum and Dad myself.

  I told them that I hadn’t really been rehearsing for a play with Emma and Callum, but recording a vlog. I told them we’d created a character called Destiny, and some of our fans thought she was real, but it wasn’t serious because lots of online stuff that’s meant to be real is actually fake.

  I thought they were going to lecture me on dishonesty, but they were actually fine with it. Neither of them knew what a vlog was, and I think they imagined it was a kind of short film. Mum’s forced us to sit through lots of terrible plays and musicals by her amateur theatre group over the years, but for once there was an upside to her hobby. She was really impressed that I’d written some ‘vlog films’ and chosen the cast all on my own. She’s even offered to bring drinks and snacks up when Emma and Callum come round again tomorrow.

  To make things even better, they got angry with Charlie when I told them how he’d tried to interrupt us. Ha.

  SUNDAY APRIL 16TH

  I should have known not to accept Mum’s offer of drinks and snacks. She deliberately waited until we were running through the script, then burst in. Before she’d even offered them anything she started describing some of the warm-up exercises she does with her acting group and asked Emma and Callum to try them. They were too confused to do anything but what they were told, so for the next ten minutes she had them scrunching into balls, pretending to be flowers and falling backwards into each other’s arms.

  It was absolutely no use whatsoever, and only used up valuable time when we could have been filming.

  When I’d got rid of Mum, we were finally able to make the new video. Emma and Callum were brilliant first time, which is just as well, because they’d have been too exhausted from all the flower impersonations to do retakes.

  GALE DOES MY MAKEUP | THE DESTINY CHANNEL

  Hey guys! Don’t panic, there’s nothing wrong with your screens. I’m just not wearing my makeup today. Scary naked face! And that’s because Gale is going to do it for me. ARGH! What have I let myself in for?

  [It was tough to persuade Emma to remove her makeup for this. I told her all serious actors have to transform themselves for big roles and if she ever wants to win an Oscar she’ll have to make herself look like something that needs Horcruxes to survive.]

  Gale: I have literally never even picked up eyeliner before. This is insane.

  Destiny: Okay, give me a winged line. You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you?

  Gale: Don’t diss my makeup skills. Wait till I’ve finished, then diss them.

  I wrote a whole script for Emma and Callum, but they soon started improvising. I remembered my lesson from the last video, and left them to it. Callum tried to draw flowery swirls underneath Emma’s eyes, but he messed up and turned them into black splodges that made her look like an emo panda.

  By the end of the video, Callum and Emma had smeared so much lipstick over their faces they looked like scary clowns. They went from adorable couple to something you’d dream up after eating too much cheese.

  The video got 547 likes in the first hour, more than the tooth jewel video has got the whole time it’s been up. And the comments were very positive:

  Leah Yeah Yeah

  U R beautiful your face isn’t scary without makeup oh god don’t even say that

  destinyisperfect

  Destiny is perfect even without her makeup.

  Aleksandra Love Heart

  Destiny and Gale <3 <3 <3

  Isabella365

  I would totally let Gale do my makeup

  OMG AMY

  LOL Same

  Finn Funn

  You looked so weird after Gale had done your makeup. And before.

  Poppy M

  Ba Dum Tsh.

  xxFashionGirlxx

  #LMAO #ROFL #NOTREALLY

  SHOUTING LAUREN

  I’M WATCHING THIS AND IM LIKE ACTUALLY CRYING AND EVERYONE IS LIKE SHUT UP AND IM LIKE I DON’T CARE

  Priya Hearts Vlogs

  I ship Destiny and Gale

  Grammar Leopard

  What? Is that even English?

  Priya Hearts Vlogs

  Yeah its short for relationship everyone knows that except you LOL.

  Finn Funn

  I would ship them to Antarctica.

  MONDAY APRIL 17TH

  Dad came into my room tonight and asked me how the vlogging was going. I was so shocked he’d even remembered the right word I couldn’t speak. Then he asked me how many web hits I’d had and whether I’d put it on iPads yet, and I worked out what was going on.

  Every now and then an article about modern stuff turns up in his newspaper and he reads it to take an interest in my hobbies. It’s sort of sweet but also a little bit (a lot) embarrassing.

  Dad managed to say plenty of the right words, even if they weren’t quite in the right order. He did a lot better than I’d have done if I’d tried to talk about his football team, for instance. But the cringing made my cheeks so hot I had to go to the bathroom and splash cold water on them when he’d finished. Well done, Dad. Thanks for taking an interest. But I won’t be upset if you give the tech guru routine a rest in future.

  TUESDAY APRIL 18TH

  Another product placement offer came through to Destiny’s channel this morning. This one was for something called ‘Poxytolin Slimming Cream’. I Googled it and every review said it was useless. One woman said it gave her a rash and another said it made her smell like a bathroom floor. There’s no way I could push that on the fans. Who’d want to put something like that on themselves?

  I got back to Poxytolin straight away and said it wasn’t right for my brand. I could have said more about how they shouldn’t be marketing this to teenagers but I was trying to be professional. This was their reply:

  That’s a shame as we are willing to offer £500 for a positive review. Please send us your home address and payment details if you change your mind.

  Now I don’t know what to do.

  £500 is a lot of mo
ney. That would cover my flight to New York. All I have to do is sneak a good review of the slimming cream into the next video.

  I started the vlog so I could go to New York. If I take the slimming cream deal, I’ll have done that already. I can delete the Destiny account and get on with my life. But first I’d have to trick the fans into buying a cream that burns their skin and makes them smell of floor.

  And could I really live with myself after flogging rip-off slimming products? I’m not exactly stick thin and I don’t care. I don’t want to promote something that exploits people who worry about their size.

  But £500 is a lot. DILEMMA.

  WEDNESDAY APRIL 19TH

  This is not good.

  My first ad revenue payment, for when viewers click through the adverts that appear on my site, came through today and it was just £27.56.