Starry Eyed Inside

by Rochelle Allison

  Table of Contents

  Title

  Dedication

  Author Note

  Infatuation

  Are You In?

  Walking on the Moon

  Let Go

  Kaya

  Amber

  We Own the Sky

  Electric Feel

  Electric Relaxation

  Sweet Disposition

  Lay Me Down

  All I Wanted

  Reinventing Your Exit

  Signs

  Stolen

  Ready to Start

  No One's Gonna Love You

  The Walk

  Blue Light

  One Line

  I Want You

  Possession

  Crush

  Connect the Dots

  Midnight in a Perfect World

  Come Close to Me

  Butterfly

  Memories

  Somersault

  Glossary

  Acknowledgements

  About the Author

  Books by Rochelle Allison

  For Nicole Demetrulias

  this is high school as i knew it. there will be a lot of shenanigans, especially of the herbal persuasion. if this bothers you, well, i apologize in advance.

  infatuation

  noun

  1. a foolish and usually extravagant passion or love or admiration

  2. temporary love of an adolescent [syn: puppy love]

  Are You In?

  Attraction's random and it's fickle. We can't help to whom we're attracted—if we could, maybe we'd make smarter choices, using our heads instead of our fickle hearts. Maybe we’d choose when, too; penciling in falling in love between dentist's appointments and mid-terms.

  In the end, the one knowable thing is that attraction will happen. Eventually and unexpectedly.

  The first time I laid eyes on Skyler, I was fourteen. Almost fifteen, and that mattered. Niki, Teigan and I were at an outdoor concert over on Hutchinson Island. We were threading through the close, sweaty crowd, trying to find a spot on the damp, itchy grass, when Teigan's cousin emerged from the sea of faces and tugged us to a stop. Lily was older than us and went to Martin County High, our rival. She and Teigan shouted over the music, while Niki and I swayed in tandem, singing along with the opening act.

  One song blended into another. The crowd pressed, dense and intense. I pulled my long, brown hair into a knot at the base of my neck, trying in vain to cool off. The boy with Lily turned around, probably to see who she was talking to. Tall, sort of lanky and lean. Skin somehow both creamy and gold. Hair messy and awesome and weird, like it didn't know what color it wanted to be: sunsets or pennies.

  I made the mistake of looking up when I should have been looking down, or to the left—or anywhere else—and saw his face and that was it.

  Squashed like a bug on the highway of love.

  Love at first sight is usually just lust. But at fourteen I was a starry-eyed innocent, and it was just pure love. Exquisite and overwhelming. The boy’s gray eyes swept over me as he turned around, and my stomach flipped in a way it never had. I stared at the back of his head for the rest of the night, wanting to see his face again.

  Niki indulged my gushing on the way home, same as she'd always done. This was our typical M.O.— I’d natter on and she'd listen. She was used to my infatuations, but it was usually with movie stars, not real people. This was different.

  Summertime on the Treasure Coast meant long, languid days where the heat kept things slow. We stayed in chill mode, hanging out at each other's houses, the beach or the mall. The boy’s name, I discovered, was Skyler Nolan and, like Lily, he was a sophomore at Martin County. I saw him sometimes, with friends, with girls. It didn't matter. Just seeing him made my mouth go dry...my heart pound...my stomach clamp up. The world spun faster, leaving me dizzy and desperate.

  It was fantastic.

  Like all good things, though, summer break flew by way too quickly, and we were staring ninth grade in the face. Wringing the last drops of freedom from our very last day, Niki and I got her brother to bring us to the beach. Javier usually went fishing on Sundays, so it didn’t take much convincing—even if we did have to ride amongst the stench of bait. He dropped us off at a sandy stretch along the Intracoastal, his little hatchback idling loudly as we climbed out.

  “Text me only if you really need something,” he said, leaning out the window. “And don’t do anything stupid.”

  Niki rolled her eyes, slamming the car door. “Okay, okay. Thanks for the ride, Javi.”

  Finding a soft spot near the water, we spread our towels and slathered on the sunscreen. Mom had finally given in, letting me get the little bikini I'd wanted all summer, and the last thing I needed was a sunburn.

  Teigan and Leyla showed up with wine coolers they'd swiped from Teigan's mom, and we spent the next hour drinking them and wondering what high school was going to be like.

  Niki got the giggles because our mouths were stained from the strawberry daiquiri flavor. She was digging around for her phone when we heard a fantastically loud swell of bass booming in the near distance. Seconds later, a pickup truck with a bunch of boys in the back cruised by, extra slow. They practically erupted when they saw us, whistling and catcalling and acting like idiots. I couldn’t figure out if I liked it or not, but I damn near peed my pants when I saw Skyler Nolan with those boys.

  Amidst the storm of music, hormones, and flirting, Skyler was the eye, silent and still. He was looking back at me, smiling a little.

  I finally understood why it was called a crush; it was difficult to breathe.

  The driver gunned it and took off. The truck disappeared, beautiful boys, offensive rap and all.

  Teigan turned fifteen a week after school started. She begged her parents to let her throw a party and because she was a spoiled brat, they let her have one. She invited everybody.

  Everybody.

  And of course, because these things are exponential, the people she invited told other people until the party was spilling out the back door and onto the patio…the yard and the driveway. A couple of upperclassmen set up bars in the trunks of their cars. People were smoking up left and right—and I don't mean cigarettes.

  Teigan’s mom and stepdad were floating around, but we realized pretty early on that they were only there to keep an eye on things, not to enforce any sort of rules. Sort of shocking, really. My dad would've had his badge and gun out at the first sign of debauchery.

  By 10:00 pm the crowd had pushed me outside, where I found Teigan sidled up to a senior. “Rory!” She thrust two purple Jello shots into my hands. “Matt made these.”

  Eyeing Matt and his cooler full of contraband, I carefully slurped the Jello down. Sweet and tart, chemically nostalgic. “Oh, yum.”

  “Right?” she cried, making me wonder how many she’d had. Whatever. They tasted so nice we made it our mission to consume more, like, immediately.

  Lily showed up with a bunch of her friends, and even though she was no longer seeing Skyler Nolan—per Teigan's information—they still hung out. I nearly died when he walked in, stupid-cool in sunglasses at night, his arm slung around some girl. The rest of their entourage followed right behind. I recognized several guys from that day on the beach, when they’d passed in their truck.

  I wondered if they recognized us. I wondered if we mattered enough, were pretty enough.

  It changed things, this awareness of Skyler, like the night was more magic because he was there.

  Some guy asked me to dance and so I went, nervous because he was cute but too tipsy to care. I let him turn me around and press his body close to mine, hands loose on my hips as we moved to the song.

  “What's your name?” he a
sked.

  “Rory.” It was a relief having my back to the nameless wonder behind me; I didn't think I could sustain eye contact. Instead, I let my eyes roam around the room, faltering when I noticed Leyla talking to Skyler by the punch bowl.

  Oh, no. My heart sank into a sea of drunken, melodramatic betrayal. Anonymous hoochies I could handle, but sweet, angelic Leyla Moto? I knew she was exotic and lovely and all, but damn. I almost wanted to cry and that made me feel stupid and really, really small. I needed fresh air.

  Thankfully, no one was out by the pool. It felt quiet, despite the music throbbing from inside. I sat down and rolled my jeans to my knees before dangling my feet into the water. It was cold and that was good; I was tempted to go in all the way just to clear my head.

  The lights inside the pool were on, turning it a cool, hypnotic turquoise. I skimmed my fingers across the surface, wondering how long it would take for one of the girls to notice I was gone.

  A beach ball sailed by, landing in the pool with a gentle splash.

  “Hey,” Skyler said, squatting beside me.

  My stomach knotted so tight I thought I was going to puke. “Hi."

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m not drunk," I said, wondering if I looked drunk.

  He frowned. “That's...not what I asked.”

  I stared, distracted momentarily by his mouth.

  “You’re sitting out here by yourself…” He paused, drumming his fingers on his knees. “I just wanted to know if you were okay.”

  "Oh." My face warmed. "Yeah, I'm okay.”

  He looked at me like he knew; maybe he did. "So you're not upset.”

  “No."

  "And you're not drunk.”

  I laughed a little, sheepish, biting the inside of my cheek. "It just...I was too hot inside. It feels good out here.”

  "Yeah, it does," he agreed, slowly getting to his feet again. He stood there for a moment, gazing at the pool.

  My heart squeezed; I didn't want him to go. But he gave me this tiny smile and walked away, and it took all I had not to turn and stare. He’d figured me out, I knew—I wasn’t cool or subtle. The sad part was, I didn’t even care enough to be embarrassed because I was too excited he’d talked to me. Like, on purpose.

  I grabbed my shoes and got up. The effects of the alcohol had worn off, leaving me calmer and less prone to histrionics. Back inside, the crowd had thinned considerably. Niki saw me and motioned me over, frowning at the shoes in my hands.

  "Where'd you go?”

  "By the pool. I needed fresh air.”

  Her eyes widened and she leaned in closer, examining me. "Did you hurl?”

  "Ew, no.”

  "Okay, because, some kid totally threw up out by the deck, and Mr. Chandler got pissed and made him leave.”

  “Well, yeah.” I made a face. "Can't say I blame him.”

  “I know. But you're okay?”

  "Everyone keeps asking that. I'm fine," I said, dropping my flip flops to the floor so I could slip them back on.

  Teigan materialized from the shadows, a pink tiara slipping from her tangled hair. "Let's get a picture before Leyla and Janelle have to leave.”

  But when everyone had left, with the exception of the girls sleeping over, Teigan ushered us into the kitchen where a pink and white ice cream cake now sat on the counter. We stuck candles in it and sang happy birthday and took a thousand pictures with our phones, loving how the flames turned Teigan's messy blonde hair into a halo around her face.

  We ate cake until we were sick and then stripped down to our underwear to go swimming in the pool. Splashing quietly, we talked about the high (and low) points of the evening, agreeing that it had definitely been the party-to-end-all-parties. I told the girls about my pseudo-conversation with Skyler Nolan, and Leyla gasped, almost swallowing water when I mentioned my freak out.

  "He knows my brothers—it wasn't even like that!" she said, pushing wet hair from her face. “But I wouldn’t have danced with him if I’d known. Why didn't you just say something?”

  "I haven't really told anyone," I said, feeling dumb all over again.

  She nodded, seeming to accept my utter lameness, and I was glad. It was bad enough I was being a basket case with out-of-control, unrequited feelings. I didn’t need to alienate my girlfriends, too.

  The chatter faded after a while, naturally ebbing until we were floating in silence, losing ourselves in our thoughts and the starry skies. Late summer, not yet fall; a warm breeze blew hesitantly over us, rustling the trees.

  I don't know if my friends felt it, but I bet they did. There was this undercurrent of anticipation, like things had somehow shifted.

  Almost, like...our lives had finally started.

  Walking on the Moon

  The clock moved so slowly it went backwards, I swore. No one actually worked in study hall. Well, I did, but I'd been finished forever. I slipped my journal into my bag and zipped it shut, poised and ready to go.

  Final bell rang. Thank God.

  One week of school down, a zillion left to go. I slid out of my chair and joined the masses in the halls, grateful that last class had been a free period. It gave me a chance to do my homework so I'd be good to go for the weekend.

  Niki joined me and together we stepped out of the drab and into the sun.

  "You taking the bus?”

  I nodded. "Yeah...your mom coming or are you going with Javi?”

  "My mom." She squinted out into the parking lot, using her hand to shade her eyes.

  Niki's mother worked as a seamstress from home. She also made cakes and sold them for birthdays and quinceaneras.

  My mother taught middle school, so I'd always gone home with her in years past. This year, though, we'd opted for the bus. It worked for her because by the time she got out of her school it would be too late to get me from mine. It worked for me because, come on, I was in high school now. The less parental whatever the better.

  "She's making coconut flan today," Niki continued, smiling mischievously. "Want to come?”

  I looked at her sideways. She knew flan was my weakness. "Is the Pope Catholic?”

  We threaded through the throng of warm, sweaty bodies, picking up our girls along the way.

  "So what did we decide on for later?" Teigan asked, reaching into my backpack for the gum she knew she'd find.

  I stopped, directing Teigan to the proper pocket. "I dunno.”

  "Dunno what?" Leyla drifted over, linking her arm through mine.

  "What we're doing tonight.” A couple of buses came and went, including mine. I sent my mother a quick text, letting her know I'd be at Niki’s.

  Teigan shifted impatiently from one foot to the other. "I'm not doing the movies again.”

  "I heard Brian talking about a bonfire over on Hutchinson Island," Niki said.

  “Yeah?"

  "Yeah...he said—”

  The sound of slowly approaching bass caught my attention. I nodded absently at Niki, but I wasn't even hearing her. Jensen Beach High had rules about loud music in the parking lot. Maybe it was just a passing car…

  "Really?" Teigan tossed her hair. She'd added streaks of seafoam green to it and wouldn't stop messing with it. "That might be fun...party...”

  I faded back out, searching the parking lot more intently now. A shiny black car pulled into a space at the opposite end of the lot with a black Jeep right behind it. The bass decreased a little, and the doors of both vehicles swung open as Skyler and his friends began spilling out.

  My heart kicked it into high gear. I tried to lick my lips, but my tongue was dry, too. Yikes.

  I elbowed Niki, but she'd already seen. She tried unsuccessfully to hide a smile, settling instead for folding her arms across her chest. Even Teigan's party plans faltered a bit as she followed our super subtle gazes. The boys drifted closer, desperately appealing clichés of coolness complete with fawning fangirls running interception.

  "Why're they here?" I wondered aloud.

  Nik
i glanced back at school. “They probably know someone," she said.

  Sure enough, this sophomore I kind of knew, Kai Fox, walked over to Skyler. They half-hugged, executing some complicated looking handshake before returning to the cars.

  I watched from across the lot, feeling anxious and somewhat pukey. Seeing Skyler made me feel awful in a way I thrived on, like it was a drug or something. It made me feel raw and alive.

  Teigan snapped her fingers in front of my face, an amused smile flitting across her lips. "We were talking about the bonfire on Hutchinson. I think we should go for sure." She put two fingers in her mouth, whistling and calling for Brian Beck, who ambled on over.

  "Ladies?" He wiggled his eyebrows lasciviously. You had to love Brian. He was somehow both dorky and cool: the kind of kid who was on the Honor Society but also knew how to fashion pot paraphernalia out of produce.

  "There's a party on Hutchinson later, right?” Teigan asked. I sneaked another glance at the black car in the corner of the parking lot. Other kids were over there now too, goofing off and messing with the music.

  "Yeah... why? You going?" Brian asked, ruffling his hair.

  "We want to. How're you getting there?" Niki asked. "You only have a permit, right?”

  “My brother, Brody.”

  Niki hesitated, but Teigan barged on ahead. ”Can we come?”

  Brian shrugged. "Whatever. We'll probably head out around eight or nine.”

  "Well, which is it, eight or nine?" Teigan huffed impatiently. She'd always been a major stickler for precision, whether organizing study notes or timing our arrival at parties. "I have to tell my mom when to drop me at Nik’s."

  Brian grimaced. “Dude, we’re kind of at the mercy of Brody when it comes to rides. We'll get there when we get there.”

  "That's fine," Niki said quickly. "Thanks, Brian.”

  He nodded, giving her ponytail a tug as he walked off.

  Leyla, who'd been quiet all this time, squeezed my arm. "What about your mom? Think she'll let you go?”

  "I'll just stay at Niki's. Her mom is more chill.”

  She really was. Luz Peña’s bark was way worse than her bite. Besides a tendency to fall asleep early, she was such a total softie for Niki and Javier. Lucky for her, they were great kids.