Starry Eyed Inside

by Rochelle Allison

  "Ugh. What is that?" she asked, taking another gulp before handing it back.

  "Southern Comfort, girl,” Rocco said, pushing off the wall. He moved closer to her, and I smiled, knowing that she was really loving her life that very second.

  “My name is Teigan,” she said, trying unsuccessfully to hide a smile.

  “Oh, I know what your name is.”

  And then Skyler materialized, sans Wasted Girl. Thank you, God.

  "Where ya been, bro?" Rocco called out, kicking sand at his brother. "I was looking for you.”

  “Must not’ve been looking too hard," Skyler said, looking pointedly at Rocco’s proximity to Teigan.

  "Naw, man, a little while ago.”

  Skyler ignored him and downed the rest of whatever was in his bottle. He dropped it on the sand and leaned unsteadily against the wall, a few feet away from where I sat. His nearness caused a riot in my stomach, and I drew several, subtle deep breaths.

  Suddenly his eyes were on me. He grinned lazily. “Hi, Rory. Where's Kai?”

  I looked away. "I don't know. Weren't you just inside?”

  He laughed quietly. "No. I've been out here for a while. What are you up to? These fools bothering you?”

  "We're not bothering you, right?" Sean butted in, giving his bottle back to Niki. She took a small sip and gave it to me, but I'd had enough.

  "I'm good," I whispered, bumping shoulders with her.

  "Nope, nope, no secrets now." Rocco chortled. "If we're bugging you, just say it…"

  "You're not," I said, secretly sort of endeared by his silliness.

  "See?" he crowed.

  Skyler pulled a lighter from his pocket and lit a cigarette. I had never seen him smoke before, but then again, when was I ever around him?

  He must have sensed my attention, because he inclined his head toward me and asked, “Does this bother you?”

  I shook my head slowly, surprised he was talking to me again. This was all very surreal, hanging out and drinking on a beach with these particular people. At night. It was totally what I'd wanted, but now that it was happening I didn't have a clue. "It's okay," I reassured him, and it was. It was so windy I could hardly smell the smoke.

  And even if I could...it was Skyler Nolan.

  The boys continued drinking and taunting each other. Niki, Teigan, and I chatted quietly, checking our phones every now and then to make sure we weren't getting too close to curfew.

  "I'm gonna go roll one up.” Rocco looked at Teigan. “You coming?"

  She looked at us, then jumped down and followed him to the other side of the wall, where there was less wind. Sean took her place, talking to Niki. Skyler flicked his cigarette away and closed the distance between us, coming to stand really close. He rested his arm on my thigh, his fingers tapping an absent rhythm on my knee.

  Apparently, sometime between five minutes ago and now, I'd entered an alternate universe. I swallowed compulsively, afraid I was about to lose my cool and hyperventilate.

  In other words, make a total ass of myself.

  I felt raw and wide awake, my senses heightened: the soft lilt of the conversations around us, the harsh, constant crash of the waves, Skyler's hand on my goose-bumpy skin.

  "Where's Kai?" he asked again, stilling his hand.

  “Probably still playing pool," I said. “Why?"

  "He's a good guy.”

  "I know." I wondered what he was getting at, if it was what I thought he was getting at.

  "But you don't like him like that.”

  I stayed quiet, willing my teeth to stop chattering. I was cold now, and nervous.

  One move brought Skyler from beside me to right in front of me. He settled in, fitting himself between my knees, his back to my chest. Even his smell was intoxicating, for crying out loud, all shampoo and lotion and whatever boys use to smell good.

  My heart stopped. Time stood still. I thought randomly of Mrs. Peña and how she always warned us about boys and how we always went looking for them.

  "Your...hair smells good," I said haltingly, unsure of what to do with my hands.

  "Lilacs n' Lavender.”

  My heart started up again. I laughed, biting my lip. “Mhm."

  "I'm serious.” He laughed back, turning to look at me with glazed gray eyes. "I stole it from my little sister. That shit smells amazing.”

  He dug around his pockets and lit another cigarette.

  I tried to control the shivering; I was on the brink of convulsions. Sean asked Skyler a question, bringing Niki's attention to how we were sitting. She looked at Skyler, then at me, squeezing my hand on the sly and smothering a smile as she turned back to Sean.

  Maybe Skyler sat this way with different girls all the time. Maybe it wasn't special. The thought made me feel better and worse at the same time: better because I got to be one of those girls and worse because...there were so many other girls.

  But right here, right now? I didn't even care. He wasn't just close to me, he was…snuggling. Voluntarily. It was nearly too much, and a good thing I was sitting, otherwise my knees might have buckled.

  Rocco and Teigan came back, and I didn't miss the way Teigan's eyebrows disappeared into her hairline when she saw.

  Sean jumped off the wall. “Ready?"

  "Yeah." Rocco patted his pockets. “You got my lighter?"

  Skyler threw him his and turned his face to me again. "You smoke?”

  "Like, weed?”

  He nodded, outing his cigarette.

  "No. I mean, I haven’t."

  "Maybe you shouldn't then," he said. "I don't want you to, you know, feel weird.”

  "I don't know," I said, shivering again. The wind was blowing right through my hoodie.

  “Cold?"

  "A little," I said, trying to keep my voice normal. "I'll be okay.”

  He twisted around so he was facing me and rested his palms on the tops of my thighs. I stared at him in the blue-black night, his face illuminated by the moon.

  Rocco lit the joint, scenting the air around us. It smelled surprisingly yummy.

  "Are you going to?" I asked Niki, nervous now at the prospect of maybe getting high.

  She shook her head. "Not tonight. My mother's always yelling at Javi...she knows what it smells like.”

  I hadn't thought about that. Teigan and I were staying at Niki's tonight, so we'd have to abstain too. That was cool with me—I wanted to smoke for the first time with just my girls. That way, if I acted like an idiot, it wouldn't matter.

  Skyler puffed a few times and passed the joint back to Rocco. Exhaling slowly, he began rubbing his hands up and down my legs.

  Okay, okay. He's drunk. He probably won't even remember tomorrow. But, still...I’d take whatever I could get. This was heaven.

  "So where's your friend?" I asked, remembering Wasted Girl.

  His hands faltered. “Who?"

  "The girl…” I prompted, gesturing to Audrey’s house.

  "Oh, Crystal.” He chuffed. “I had to get away. She was all over me.”

  "I saw that.” I snorted softly, tucking my hair behind my ears.

  "Yeah, she's Audrey's cousin or something from Rhode Island." He shook his head. "You can protect me. If she finds me, just act like I'm with you." He looked up and down the beach, squinting at the shadows.

  "You are with me,” I said, uncertain.

  His face swung back. "I mean, with me with me.”

  "Ah, okay.”

  Skyler winked, seemingly pleased with my consent. Little did he know.

  The boys smoked until there was no more. Rocco and Teigan wandered down to the shore. Skyler started rubbing my legs again, slow, strong strokes from my ankles to my knees. He was warming me up, but I was still shivering—from sheer nerves. I could, obviously, never tell him that.

  He was quiet for so long, eyes shut, that I was sure he'd forgotten where he was. I didn’t forget, though. I looked at his face until I was sure it was forever committed to memory, taking my fill of this unexpect
ed closeness. His hands came to a stop on my calves, epicenters of heat on my cool skin.

  "So you like someone else," he said suddenly, his eyes opening.

  I nodded, willing my hands to leave my sides so I could just touch him.

  He brought his face really close. "Tell me who," he whispered, brushing his lips against mine.

  I gasped a little. His hands moved up my thighs and landed on my hips, squeezing as he kissed me, a brief touching of lips. Again, and again.

  Don't just sit there. React!

  I brought my hands hesitantly to Skyler’s face. Pausing, he searched my eyes, and then stole another kiss, his tongue grazing mine. He tasted good, sweet and smoky, and his mouth was so warm, I shivered. He wrapped his arms around me, pressing his body against mine so close.

  My mind raced frantically along at the speed of light, blissfully empty of anything that wasn't Skyler kissing me. I sank my fingers into the thicket of his messy hair, and he took the kiss deeper, filling my mouth with his tongue, his thumb swishing back and forth against the small of my back. I tightened up deep inside, my body wanting him in ways my brain was having a hard time keeping up with.

  He broke away first. My eyes drifted open, and deep in the recesses of my pocket, my phone vibrated. Crap. Half hour till curfew.

  “I...have to go soon," I said.

  Skyler nodded, gazing sleepily at me as he pressed one last little kiss to my lips. He turned to face away but didn't move, and I was thankful for the warmth and solidity of his body.

  Down at the shore, Teigan shrieked. I touched my mouth, watching her run away from Rocco. Funny. I hadn't even noticed the stars. They were brilliant tonight.

  Kaya

  Leaving Audrey Vega's Friday night was a little like falling from heaven.

  At first, the surreal giddiness of it all kept me afloat. All I could think about was how Skyler’s hair smelled, how his body felt between my legs, how his lips wrapped around his cigarettes, how his tongue felt against mine.

  Teigan and I spent the night on Niki’s floor amidst pillows and blankets, giggling and whispering until dawn. They wanted every detail of every second, and I gave it to them, my own personal fairy tale come true. From time to time, I caught sight of myself in the mirror behind Niki’s door. I never quite lost the dazed look, and my hair was still windswept from the beach.

  But as Saturday turned into Sunday, reality began to set in, and by Monday my stomach was an anxious tangle of knots. Skyler was going to ignore me—I knew it, inside. It wasn't something I could explain or qualify; it was simply a feeling.

  Sometimes the fantasy is better than reality.

  "So, what are you going to do?" Niki asked in homeroom, Monday morning.

  "I don't know, but I'm pretty sure he won't talk to me." I pulled anxiously at the strings hanging from the bottom of my jeans. "He knows I'm into him now, so…”

  She shrugged. "All we can do is wait and see. He was kind of drunk, but…”

  "Kind of?" I snorted. "How about completely?”

  “But he wasn't wasted and you know it.” Niki sighed, shaking her head. "He remembers what happened, and if he tries to say he doesn't, then he's freaking jerk. I don't care how cute he is.”

  She was probably right, but it didn't make much of a difference, honestly. I still felt the way I felt.

  Kai found me at my locker later on. “Hey."

  "Hey, Kai.”

  He fell into step with me as I walked toward English, even though I was sure his class was in a different part of campus.

  "So, it's Skyler," he said.

  I inhaled sharply, looking straight ahead. "If you say so.”

  "Come on, Rory.” He laughed humorlessly, running his fingers through his hair. “Everyone saw you on Friday."

  The knot in my stomach tightened. "What do you mean, everyone?”

  "You gonna admit it?" he asked.

  I kept quiet. We got to the door of my AP English class, and I paused, books against my chest like they'd defend me from the sharp reality of everything.

  “Yeah."

  Kai moved to let someone pass and then leaned against the wall. "Rocco told me.”

  It occurred to me that this could very well be gossip fodder. I mean, how many people had been at Audrey's last weekend? The beach? A lot.

  "This sucks,” I whispered, feeling like I’d somehow betrayed Kai. “Sorry.”

  "For what?" he asked, sounding annoyed.

  I shrugged, feeling even more like a complete idiot.

  “Just…chill out.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and stared down at me. "The only reason I'm even asking is because I want to know where your head's at. Like…your expectations.”

  “My expectations?”

  The warning bell rang. Kai glanced down the hall. “I gotta go.”

  But things were becoming crystal clear now. I’d thought Kai was jealous, and maybe he was, but he also knew Skyler—knew his M.O. He’d probably watched this scenario play out a dozen times with a dozen girls. My heart sank.

  “Thanks, Kai, but whatever happens, happens. I have no expectations,” I said, edging into my classroom. It wasn’t a total lie.

  Niki, Teigan, and I were dissecting Kai's comments when this somewhat notorious sophomore, Bianca Russo, walked up to our lunch table. She was popular enough, with her cute clothes and trendy haircuts, but I didn't think she was all that. I mean, she looked pissed off all the time.

  Her dark eyes bored into mine. “Rory?"

  I glanced at my friends. “Yes?"

  Bianca smirked, folding her arms. "You know Skyler only let you kiss him because he was drunk, right?”

  My heart sank, not so much from what she was saying but that she was saying anything at all. Obviously, people had been talking about it. Also, not that it mattered, but he had kissed me.

  I just shrugged, pretending my heart wasn’t pounding. “So?"

  "So, you should forget about him.”

  I hadn't seen this coming, but I supposed it wasn't surprising, either. No doubt boys like Skyler Nolan had a few "girlfriends," silly chicks too vapid to understand they were nothing more than hook-ups.

  At least I wasn't deluding myself. I'd already prepared myself for the worst.

  "Why don't you forget about him?" Teigan said, stiffening beside me. I put my hand on her thigh under the table, begging her silently to relax. She was always down to fight, but I wasn't, not if I didn't have to, and not for something as pathetic as this.

  Bianca scowled at Teigan before cutting her eyes back to me.

  "He only did it because he was drunk," she repeated, a little menacingly.

  What a weirdo.

  I forced a nice, fat, sardonic smile. "Then what are you so worried about?”

  "Not a damn thing, obviously.” She was gone as quickly as she'd appeared.

  Niki chuckled nervously, squeezing my hand. "Are you okay?”

  "Bianca's a psycho bitch," Teigan huffed. "With her fake ass nails and her fake ass tan. Who does that anyway? We live in Florida.”

  "It's cool, whatever," I lied, taking a bite of my apple.

  But they knew it wasn't. Niki didn't let go of my hand for the rest of lunch.

  When the final bell rang, we walked down to our usual spot in front of school. It was still hurricane season, and due to yet another tropical depression the heat and humidity were nearly unbearable.

  For the first time in weeks, I was waiting for the bus. Niki had ballet, and after my awkward chat with Kai earlier, I wasn't sure I wanted more of the same on a ride home. Or that he would even offer.

  "You don't think Kai was saying all that because he still likes you, do you?" Niki asked, picking at her peeling nail polish.

  “I thought about that, but, nah.” I shook my head. "I mean, I don’t know if he likes me or not, but Kai seems to do his thing. I saw him with some girl from Martin County one time at Audrey’s."

  "I'm just saying," she insisted.

  "He's pretty to t
he point, Niki. Based on what I’ve seen, he’s probably just warning me.”

  "Speak of the devil…"

  Kai was walking across the lot with the new boy, a blond hottie in his year. They went right for the black car and the black Jeep. I hadn't even seen them pull up.

  Instant nausea, and the heat wasn't helping.

  The boys got out and leaned against their cars, yelling something to Kai as he approached. I could see Skyler’s smile from where I stood, and it was so pretty it hurt.

  I turned back to Niki, the sick feeling in my stomach doubling. "He's going to ignore me. I know it.”

  Teigan appeared, bumping me with her hip. "What's up?”

  "She's afraid Skyler's going to act like nothing happened," Niki said.

  Teigan squinted over at the boys. "Well, then he's an ass. Don't freak out about it.”

  "Easy for you to say," I said, chewing my thumbnail down to the quick.

  "I know.” She sighed. "You got gum?”

  I nodded, reaching into the front pocket of my backpack.

  “Don’t look, but…” She held her hand out, ducking her head. "He's looking.”

  Don't look. Don't look.

  I handed her a stick of gum and looked. Skyler gazed back for a beat before saying something to Kai, angling away. I wanted to puke. To cry. To be mad. To kiss him again.

  And then, because that dismissal wasn't enough, Bianca Russo flounced by, her dress-code-inappropriate skirt flipping in the faint breeze.

  "Oh no. I can't watch," I moaned. But I did watch. She strutted right over to Skyler, who was now sitting on the trunk of his car, and wriggled her body between his legs.

  "Give me a freaking break," Teigan said.

  My view was blocked by a noxious, loud, yellow thing. I'd never in my life been so happy to see a school bus.

  "You sure you don't want a ride, babe?" Niki asked, eyes huge with sympathy. It was tempting, but then I wouldn’t get home until later and right now, I wanted to pine in private.

  "It's cool.” I gave her a tight squeeze. “No ballet Friday, right?”

  “Right."

  “Cool. I'll ride with you then.”

  I hugged Teigan and boarded the bus, hating the stupid burning in my eyes. Hadn’t I known? I’d seen how these things went down. And yet, though I thought I'd braced myself for the let-down, it hurt. Sliding into an empty seat near the back, I pulled out my phone and stuck headphones into my ears. I looked out the window as we pulled away. Kai gave me a small wave, like he knew I'd look sooner or later.