Starry Eyed Inside

by Rochelle Allison

  It didn't take long to get to the Nolan residence. Kai parked up the street and we filed out, moving wordlessly along the side of the house and up the stairs. I lagged behind, hoping I wouldn't be too loopy in front of everyone.

  Skyler unlocked the door and slipped inside, gesturing for us to follow. Ugh, this was all so awkward. I wondered if he regretted kissing me. I wondered if he thought about it at all.

  I got to the top of the stairs and eased past Rocco, who locked the door behind us. "They used to rent this out, but it's been awhile," he explained, dropping his keys on the counter.

  My high was wearing off. I knew we were going to smoke again, but for now I was clearheaded and a little surprised at where we'd ended up. Skyler took a sandwich bag full of weed from his pocket and tossed it to his brother. "Roll a fatty.”

  Teigan sat next to Rocco. "I just want to watch. For educational purposes.”

  “Whatever's clever, Blondie.”

  “Teigan.”

  He smiled, flashing a dimple at her. “Teigan.”

  Rocco finished rolling in record time, and for the second time that night, I found myself sitting in a circle, ready to partake in the sweet, sweet cheeba. Skyler's stuff was so much better than whatever Brian Beck had given us…it smelled, and tasted, divine. I was set after one good pull, but the joint kept coming until I was coughing my lungs out.

  "Yeah, that was a good one," Rocco said approvingly, hitting me on the back. "Ain't a toke if ya don't choke.”

  I was good. Better than good; I was great.

  The joint burned down to nothing, and we spread out, moving to couches and corners. Low synth beats came on, courtesy of Sean’s phone. Kai pretended to rap—he had bars, didn’t we know—and I curled up on a love seat, rooting around my bag for my journal. I’d started a doodle earlier, an elaborate mandala surrounded by flowers. Sometimes words poured out of me, but other times it was stuff like this, sketches or likenesses. Tiny collages. Using pens from the bottom of my bag, I colored until Skyler sat beside me, slow motion perfection. His thick, wavy hair—like Rocco’s but lighter—looked messy and soft, and the thin, gray t-shirt he wore looked soft, and I wished more than ever I could just touch all that softness.

  "Want a shotgun?” he asked.

  I put my hot pink Sharpie down. “What’s a shotgun?”

  He stuck what was left of a blunt into his mouth—but backwards—leaned really close to me, and blew a stream of smoke right into my open mouth. I struggled to inhale, fighting the burn and the tickle. And then I stayed still, barely breathing, not wanting the moment to end.

  “You want another one?” He cocked his head, watching me closely.

  “Okay,” I said, distantly aware of my journal crinkling to the floor.

  He did it differently this time, taking a deep, deep pull and then leaning so close his eyes blurred so I had to close mine, relying on touch and feel. Skyler’s lips brushed mine as he blew a soft cloud into my mouth.

  "Thanks," I whispered, smoke wisping from my lips like words I couldn't say.

  Amber

  It felt like limbo.

  A lot of the time he was in his own world, beautifully—and frustratingly—untouchable, my very Jordan Catalano. Yeah, we knew all about him, thanks to Teig's love of all things 90's.

  But other times, there was a tangible connection between us, a split second where our eyes would meet, and he'd smile this little smile and I'd know we were thinking the same thing. His arm would brush mine as I walked by or he'd sit by me to roll a joint, and I'd revel in the closeness.

  For weeks we went on like this. I wished, sometimes, that he was more like his brother. Rocco seemed so open and physically affectionate. My one consolation was that while Skyler wasn't all over me, he wasn't really all over other girls either. At least, not where I could see.

  Not that I could ask Kai about it. That would just be weird.

  One Saturday night, Kai and I were in the mall parking lot, waiting for Teigan and Niki. They'd gone in to get pretzel sticks from Auntie Anne's, but I was feeling lazy, worn out from having to run the mile at school earlier.

  I eventually asked the question that had been rolling around my head all evening. "Where's Skyler?”

  Kai shook his head, flicking his cigarette out the window. “Grounded."

  "For what?”

  "His mom found his stash again.”

  Yikes. "That sucks.”

  "No kidding," Kai mumbled. "He's always getting busted for the same thing; it's so dumb.”

  I quieted, silently lamenting the fact that the apple of my eye was a no-go tonight.

  "He acts like he doesn't give a shit, but he needs to cool it because one of these days they're gonna make good on their promises and send him off.”

  I looked at Kai askance. ”Send him off where?”

  "Military school.”

  "What?" I laughed. "That's a little dramatic, isn't it?”

  "His mother is a criminal prosecutor," he said, arching an eyebrow. "She's very dramatic.”

  I guess I could understand that—my dad was a ranger for the National Park Service. I knew all about respecting the law, even if I didn't actually do it all the time. If he and Mom knew I was smoking...I didn't even want to think about it.

  And I really didn't want to think about how much it would suck if Skyler got sent away.

  "Don't get me wrong," Kai continued, checking his phone for a text. "She's nice and all, but don’t get on her bad side. She don't play around.”

  The girls got back into the car, sugar cinnamon sweetness wafting in with them.

  "You want, Kai? We got extra.”

  Kai wanted a pool table of his own. He said he was tired of always having to go to Audrey Vega's, and besides, she was graduating at the end of the year.

  We found a cheap, used one on a local site, but it was still more than what he had. In the end, he and Rocco went halves and put it in Kai's garage. His parents weren't as relaxed as the Vegas, but there were only a few of us coming over on a regular basis so it was cool.

  I liked the new arrangement. Kai lived pretty close; if I really wanted, I could ride my bike over. He usually came to pick me up though, which was better. Showing up sweaty and gross wasn't my idea of fun.

  It was also good because now I could learn to play pool without a huge audience. I mean, the guys were usually there, but by this point I'd gotten used to Kai, Rocco, Sean, and Finn. Skyler still made me nervous, but he did that regardless of whether I was making a fool of myself or not.

  The weekend before Halloween, we were all in the garage, goofing around. Rocco and Teigan were trying, as usual, to teach me to shoot.

  Teigan adjusted my hand. “Just, yeah. Put your fingers like this…and slide it through…”

  Sean snickered. “That's what she said.”

  I rolled my eyes as everyone tittered. These jokes had been going on all night.

  "You know you wanna laugh," Rocco said, bumping me with his hip. My ball went flying off the table.

  Kai picked it up and rolled it back across the table. "Damn, Rory, you're gonna kill someone.”

  "You guys aren't helping," I complained, straightening up.

  Skyler came downstairs, tossing his phone back and forth between his hands before pocketing it. He was finally un-grounded and coming around again. I took a deep breath and refocused my efforts, trying to get the little striped ball into the corner.

  Teigan grabbed my hips and shoved me over. "Now...like I showed you. Ignore those fools.”

  Slowly, I positioned my cue, and this time managed to get the ball within an inch of its intended destination. Teigan rubbed my back encouragingly. “Nearly perfect."

  "Shoot it into that corner," Sean said, rubbing chalk onto his cue. Apparently, they were getting ready to play a game of their own.

  I leaned over, placing the cue between my fingers.

  And then Skyler was beside me, his body pressed lightly to mine as he steadied my arm. He smelled good,
like fresh air and ocean, and my stomach tightened in yearning. He rested his chin on my shoulder and slipped his arm beneath mine, helping me hold the cue just right.

  "Like this.”

  We took the shot and, of course, it sailed right in. I glanced up at him as he stepped back. “Thanks."

  He shrugged, hands in his pockets. "You're getting better.”

  I handed him the stick, wiping my palms on the back of my cutoffs, my heart still pounding from his touch. "You're playing now, right?”

  He nodded, grabbing the triangle to rack the balls.

  I turned to go to the main house, drawn by the smell of Mrs. Fox's fry bread. She often made a ton of it when Kai's friends came over, and I'd craved it since the first time I'd tried it.

  Skyler's voice floated after me. "Bring me back a piece, Rory.”

  The beach was packed on Sunday afternoon.

  My mother dropped us off in the parking lot and, we walked the rest of the way in, sweating in the blazing sun.

  "Ugh. I can't wait to get in the water," Niki moaned, wiping her forehead. "Where the hell is autumn?”

  "Ew, no. I like the heat," Teigan said, touching her hair. Niki had twisted it into two french braids for her. “This is the Sunshine State, you know.”

  I dropped our towels onto the sand. "I'm with Niki on this one. We need to go north when we graduate. I'm all about experiencing actual seasons.”

  "What time did Kai say they would be here?”

  I shook my head. "He didn’t."

  Niki unfurled her huge beach umbrella and stuck it into the sand. "Well, I'm not waiting around. I'm about to pass out.”

  We stripped down to our swimsuits and jogged down to the shore, white-hot sand burning the bottoms of our feet along the way. There were a lot of kids splashing around and a couple of people out further, swimming and surfing, but it didn't look like anyone we knew.

  Some days the water was murky and riled up from rough weather, but today it was clear and perfectly tepid. We stayed in forever, moving with the waves as they rolled in, trying to avoid little kids with floats. A familiar blond head caught my attention: Finn. I squinted, shading my eyes against the glare. Yep, they were all here. I fought against the inner tug to get out.

  "Hey, isn't that Kai? And Finn?" Niki asked, her hand slippery on my arm because of the sun block I'd put on.

  "Looks like it. Guess they're teaching the new boy how to surf.”

  We assumed casual positions, looking anywhere but the crowded beach. I was dipping my head back to smooth out my hair when someone jumped in right next to us, creating a splash so huge water went up my nose. Rocco. Of course.

  "Stupid," Teigan said, smiling and splashing back.

  He dove under and came up beneath her, grabbing her and tossing her further out, only to chase her. I wondered when they'd just get it on. They had serious chemistry.

  Then again, I had similar thoughts about my own lack-of-love life. The closest I'd been to Skyler lately had been the shotgun he'd given me weeks before. It felt like he was into me sometimes, but he never acted on it. I was tired of thinking about it, of dissecting it to death in my head.

  Mental ping-pong gets old, fast.

  Finn, Kai, and Skyler stood around with a bunch of other guys on the wet sand, play fighting and doing handstands. Peacocking. I watched for a minute, contemplating whether I should get out or stay. My fingers decided for me; they were starting to get wrinkly from being in the water for so long.

  "I'm getting out," I told Niki, adjusting the tie on my swimsuit so my boobs didn't spill out.

  "Yeah, me too.”

  I didn't bother telling Teigan. She and Rocco were still horsing around.

  I felt a shadow fall across my face, drops of water cool on my sun-warm skin.

  Moving my arm, I peered up at Skyler. He was celestial, the sun blazing a halo behind his head. And then he shook his hair, wetting me.

  I sat up, shielding myself. “Hey!”

  "Why aren't you in the water?”

  "I was in earlier.” I got to my feet, self-conscious in the brevity of my bikini. Skyler’s eyes trailed across my skin, visually connecting the dots. They were light in the late afternoon light, almost silvery.

  The beach had emptied since earlier. An abandoned umbrella rolled down the beach, and near the nearest lifeguard tower, a couple of kids were playing Frisbee. Niki and Finn had left to take a walk; I could just barely make out their far-off figures as they strolled further and further away.

  "Did Kai go?" I asked, looking around.

  “Yeah."

  "Oh." I paused, running a hand through my hair, now crisp with salt. "So how're you getting home?”

  "Rocco," he said.

  We walked to the water's edge. With the sun receding and the wind picking up, it was much cooler now. I poked a toe into the water, not sure if I wanted to commit to being fully submerged.

  "You live pretty close, huh?”

  I looked at him, wondering how he knew. Kai, maybe? “Kind of. Right across the bridge.”

  "Do you need a ride home?”

  “Are you leaving soon?”

  “After this, probably.”

  “Yeah, okay.” I nodded. “Thanks.”

  He waded in and I followed, stopping when the water hit my belly button. Tourists from up north came and thought this was better than bathwater, but I was a thin-blooded Floridian.

  As if he could hear my thoughts, Skyler glanced back, scoffing. “You aren’t cold.”

  “Yeah, I am.”

  “You'd freeze your ass off anyplace else this time of year.” Skyler said, sending a ripple of water my way. "Come on.”

  Before I could take another step, he yanked me forward, pulling me into the water. A small wave crested over my face as we tumbled, making me sputter and choke. “Thanks a lot, Skyler,” I said, splashing him.

  He grinned, grabbing my legs and wrapping them around his waist and for a moment we just floated, bobbing like buoys in the waves. I couldn't look away from the almost translucent gray of his eyes, all bright and lit up from the water and the sun. He gazed back, his hands sliding lower, skipping past my bottom to my thighs. I wanted to kiss him, so I did.

  This kiss was different from the first one, slippery and salty. I could feel the change in Skyler’s breathing, the shallowness in mine. He shoved his hands into my hair, his fingers tangling in the knots. There was a shout from the shore. I looked over my shoulder to see Rocco there, waving and pointing to his wrist.

  “It’s getting late,” I said, extricating myself from Skyler’s grip. We dragged ourselves from the water, fighting the tide as it tripped us up.

  Finn offered to give Niki a ride home, which she accepted. Normally her mother wasn’t keen on guys she didn't know driving Niki around, but Finn was decent and exceedingly polite. We had a feeling Luz would approve, once she met him anyway.

  Teigan and I rinsed off in the outdoor showers and loaded our stuff into Rocco’s Jeep. Since I lived closest, the boys dropped me off first. Skyler walked me to the door, surprising me again with his sudden attentiveness.

  "Thanks for the ride,” I said, my heart skipping a beat. I wondered if my parents were home, if they were watching.

  "It's cool." He paused, one hand on the railing. Then he leaned close, pressing a small kiss to my cheek. “Bye."

  On the Friday before Halloween, the city of Stuart held its annual Harvest Fest. On the same night, on a ranch in the boondocks of rural Fort Pierce, a private school kid Sean knew was throwing a rager. Dad almost didn't let me go out that night, citing underage drinking and dangerous pranks as reasons I should stay home, but in the end, I got him to relax. Well, Mom got him to relax.

  After all, they thought we were going to Harvest Fest.

  My curfew was midnight. I'd never needed a curfew before freshman year because we never went anywhere, but now that I had one, it felt too early. Teigan didn't have much of a curfew, but she tended to go home when Niki and I did. I s
uspected that would change if she got a boyfriend.

  I felt alluring and mature in a strappy, little black dress of Teigan’s. Niki blow-dried our hair, and I couldn't stop touching mine, obsessed with the silkiness. I even dusted Niki's shimmery stuff onto my eyelids. Normally I was too lazy for anything beyond mascara, but tonight I wanted to look good. I wanted to make it impossible for Skyler Nolan to ignore me.

  You'd think the passing of time, and another kiss, would’ve diminished that boy’s effect on me, but it only intensified it. Going to different schools sucked—it felt like we were always starting from scratch.

  My phone chimed with the sound I'd picked especially for Kai.

  Turning down your street now.

  Ok. We'll be out front.

  I slipped my phone into my purse and nodded at Niki. “Ready?"

  She wiggled freshly painted toenails into a pair of fancy sandals. “Ready!”

  My parents were watching TV in bed, popcorn and beer between them. It was their thing, a standing date on the Friday nights my father had off. “Bye, guys," I said, ducking in for goodbye kisses.

  "Midnight, Aurora. I'm serious,” Dad said, frowning at my dress. "You're wearing that?”

  “Will," Mom said, putting her hand on his arm. “That's the kind of stuff I used to wear.”

  "My point exactly," he said, giving her a rather pointed look.

  I so didn't want to know what that was all about. "We'll be on time, I promise.”

  “Please, tell Kai to drive safely," Mom said.

  We managed to escape before they changed their minds. Kai made about twelve stops, and by the time we got to the party, there were so many cars that the field adjacent to the house looked like a parking lot. Teigan’s birthday party a couple months prior was a play date in comparison.

  I grabbed Niki's hand and stuck close to Kai, not wanting to get lost in the shuffle—the boys knew the kid throwing the party, but we didn’t. Locating a keg, we filled our red Solo cups and joined the masses.

  Teigan's texts led us to a lanai, where she was smoking around a fire pit with Rocco, Skyler, and Sean. Rocco had finally kissed her, so I wasn't surprised to find her tucked into his side. We had our own little party for a while. Rocco taught us how to French inhale, and, after staring at me for a while, Skyler gave me a shotgun, his hand on my waist as he bent close. I gave him back his smoke in a kiss, craving more. Craving him.