Starry Eyed Inside

by Rochelle Allison

"Yeah."

  I hadn't expected it to happen. Not really. Not until that second, when I realized Skyler had lost his fire, his fight. This was happening. "When?"

  "I fly out next Saturday."

  All the breath in my lungs whooshed out, and for a second, I didn't know what to say. Just last week we'd been in the hammock, talking summer concerts. I closed my eyes.

  “Rory?”

  "What...what about school?"

  "My dad's arranging for me to take a couple of tests, do extra work this week or whatever,” he said. “There are ways.”

  "When can I see you?" I sounded desperate. I didn't care.

  "Whenever, I guess. I can't really leave the house." He reminded me of the way he'd been when we'd first start messing around, all guarded with his words. I wondered how much of it was an attempt to distance himself from everything, maybe even me.

  "I can come there," I said, fighting the waver in my voice.

  "Today?" He sounded enthused. Good sign.

  "If... it's okay."

  "I don't think I can get into anymore trouble than I'm already in,” he said. “Just call first.”

  We got off the phone. For the first time since this shit storm had started, I let myself really feel. The lump that had been building in my throat dissolved into tears, and I lay back on the bed. Crying soundlessly, I let the waves of panic and frustration wash over me. Why was Skyler being taken away from me? Especially when we were starting to hit a good groove? It all seemed epically unfair, like some sort of cosmic middle finger.

  Saturday. Saturday? It was so sudden, too soon, too abrupt. I thought we'd have the summer and now, it looked like we had nothing.

  My mother was grading papers when I made it to the kitchen. She took one look at my puffy face and slid her glasses off, frowning. "Aurora, what?"

  "Can you bring me somewhere?"

  "Where? What happened?" She sounded freaked out, which seemed pretty appropriate at the moment.

  "I... Skyler's moving...he got in trouble and now he's moving, and I really need to go see him. Please, Mom. Please," I cried.

  She nodded, her face gentle with sympathy. "Do you want to talk about it?"

  "Not right now," I whispered, wiping my face.

  "Okay. Just... give me a few minutes." She sighed, standing up. "Go get dressed."

  I did as I was told, moving on auto pilot. Skyler's words, and the way he'd said them, kept echoing dreadfully through my brain. Outside, the air was so humid it was hard to breathe, an auspicious start to what was looking to be a hellishly hot summer. It would have been a good beach day.

  Mom turned the air conditioner in her car all the way as I opened the windows to flush out the hot air.

  I'd called Skyler right before leaving, letting him know to expect us. Truthfully, I was nervous to encounter his mother in these circumstances and glad my own mom would be there as a buffer. It wasn't like I'd done anything wrong, but still.

  For once, the Nolan's driveway was packed. Everyone was home, apparently. We parked on the curb and made our way to the front door. Olivia appeared at the door within seconds of our ringing the doorbell, looking her usual best. Her eyes gave her away, though. She was tired.

  "Hello, Rory.” Stepping aside to let us in, she thrust her hand at my mother. "I'm Olivia Nolan. It's nice to meet you."

  "Thanks, you too. I'm Jenny," Mom said, closing the door. "I hope you don't mind us coming by."

  "Oh no, it's fine," Olivia said quietly. She looked at me at we moved into the foyer. "Sky's upstairs in his room. Your mom and I will be in the kitchen, okay?"

  "Um... thanks.” I really hoped she kept Skyler's crimes to herself. The last thing I needed was an interrogation on the way home about whether or not I smoked weed.

  Feeling like my feet were made of lead, I turned and trudged up the stairs. Whatever Skyler was listening to was turned up to such a jarring level I could hear it as I walked down the hall to his room. I knocked loudly and then, when there was no response, let myself in, not knowing what to expect.

  His room was a disaster. Mountains of clothes littered the bed, spilling onto the carpet. Books and magazines were scattered across the floor. I shut the door behind me and leaned against it, watching Skyler mess with something on his desk.

  He looked up suddenly, meeting my gaze. Turning down the volume, he tossed his remote aside and came to me. "Hey.”

  I grabbed him in a hug and held tight, knowing our days of being like this were so numbered.

  "You here to yell at me, too?" he asked, pulling away.

  I shook my head. "I'm guessing you know you screwed up."

  He nodded.

  "So you're really leaving?" I asked pointlessly, glancing around his room again.

  "Yup." He let go of me and scrubbed his hands over his face. "One week and I'm done. Shipped off like garbage to New York."

  "Rocco said you're going to military school?"

  He shrugged and nodded, sitting on his bed.

  I sat beside him, kicking off my shoes so I could cross my legs. "I can't imagine you in military school."

  "You and me both," he said, making a face. "It's gonna suck."

  "When does it start?"

  "August, but I have to spend the summer upstate, working with my uncle on this house he's building or fixing or what-the-fuck-ever." He glanced at me. “You remember Aiden.”

  I bit my lip, trying to wrap my head around our new reality. As awful as this felt for me, I could only imagine how crappy it was for Skyler. My parents would never send me away, but then again—I'd never keep a pound of weed in my room.

  After a moment, I looked up to find him watching me. Almost like he knew what I was going to ask. Clearing my throat, I said, quietly, "When will you be back?" So many things depended on his answer.

  "I don't know yet.” His eyes searched mine. “I have to stay up there, though. Until I graduate.”

  "Two years?" I cried. My world shattered as the enormity of his punishment finally became clear. There was no way...

  He frowned and looked at his lap. "Yeah."

  I didn't know why this surprised me. Maybe I was still waiting for a break, but it was looking like we weren't going to get one. Two years was an eternity.

  "They don't even... they don't want me coming around for a while. Like, it'll get me in trouble again or something.” He scowled. “They're coming up to Uncle Aiden's for Thanksgiving and Christmas.”

  "Basically they're just cutting you off from Jensen Beach."

  "Yeah."

  My head swam. "So that's it, then."

  I wasn't an idiot. I knew we didn't stand a chance if he was that far away. I'd hold on to him with everything I had, and maybe for a while we'd live through each other's social medias, but eventually a real girl would show up, and I'd be a memory. My throat closed and I swallowed, trying not to cry.

  "Rory.” His voice had gone quiet. "Don't look at me like that."

  "Like what?" I whispered.

  "Like I'm breaking up with you."

  "Doesn't matter.” I turned my face, wiping my cheek with the back of my hand. "You're leaving, and I'm staying. Are we even gonna stay in touch?"

  "I'm pretty sure I'll have access to technology," he said, smirking, but it fell flat. "I don't know. I mean, it's not like they'll take away my phone.” He exhaled heavily, rubbing a hand over his face. “I don't think.”

  "It won't work," I said. You'll forget about me.

  "What do you want me to do?" he asked, pulling me down so we were lying side by side. "I mean, I can call you from my uncle's, but I don't know what it's gonna be like when I get to the school. It's all strict and formal... we probably have curfews and shit. I just don't know."

  "I understand," I said, and I did. Because in my heart, I knew that even if we said we'd text and talk on the phone, the chances of that happening were slim to none. I wasn't that great at keeping in contact with out of town friends. How much worse would Skyler be?

  "I'm sorry,
" he said, kissing my face.

  "This sucks," I said, and my voice shook. "So much for... your birthday."

  He forced a laugh. "Don't remind me.”

  "Sorry." I kissed him this time, square on the mouth. He tasted like toothpaste.

  I wanted to forget what was happening, just for a while, to see if I could just lose myself the way I usually did when it came to Skyler. Not caring that our mothers were downstairs and could come in at any second, I scooted closer to him and kissed him again, harder, deeper. His breathing picked up as he slid his hand up under my shirt, his palm flat against my back.

  I knew then that I loved him, but that I wouldn't tell him. Not that second, and maybe not ever.

  Later, as I lingered at the door with my mother, Olivia promised I could come over again in the week. I was surprised she allowed it; as far as I knew none of Skyler's friends were allowed to come by except for Kai. She'd most likely figured out who the "bad influences" were.

  On the way home, I asked Mom what she and Olivia had talked about. Hopefully Olivia hadn't blown up everyone's spot.

  "Casual stuff, mom stuff.” She shrugged, turning at an intersection. “Work, the school system, how—"

  "I can't believe she'd send her own kid off like this," I interrupted, needing to vent.

  "Well... we don't know all the details. This has been going on for a while, hasn't it?"

  "I thought you said you guys discussed casual stuff."

  "We did, for a while. But we couldn't avoid the elephant in the room forever," said Mom. "She probably just needed someone to talk to. I can't even imagine what she's going through right now."

  I couldn't, either. But still.

  "It might not seem like it,” she continued, “but this might end up being one of the best things that could happen to Skyler."

  I gaped at my mother, who'd obviously lost the damn plot. And maybe her mind.

  "Everything seems so huge now, but in the grand scheme of things – "

  "Mom," I groaned. She sounded very parental and sensible. In other words, full of it. "I realize that you, like, have to say stuff like that, but Skyler's life is ruined. Okay?”

  "And whose fault is that?"

  "Well, his obviously, but..."

  "But?"

  "Mom.”

  "The way I see it, either his parents put their foot down now or he keeps on acting the fool and gets sent to jail one day."

  That set me off again, and I twisted away, turning my face toward the window. "He's going to forget about me," I said, wiping my eyes with my sleeve. "You're probably relieved, right?"

  "No," she said gently, squeezing my thigh. "Not at all."

  "You don't mind me going to see him before he leaves?"

  "Not as long as you let me know first."

  I nodded silently, staring at the cars passing by without really seeing them.

  School sucked. During class I daydreamed of him, mostly in parts: his mouth and how it felt on me, his hair between my fingers, his eyes and how they gleamed in the sun...so warm for such a cool color.

  Hanging out afterward in the parking lot sucked, too. Skyler and the boys had become part of the landscape, and their absence was a heavy, tangible thing.

  Thankfully, though, we were gearing up for finals—a small mercy that allowed me to throw myself into my studies. Most afternoons found me with Niki or Teigan. Or both of them; I hated being alone. My mind wandered way too much, and it was easier to pretend like everything was fine when I had friends to distract me. They didn't believe my fake-calm, not for a second, but they let me be. None of us had dealt with this sort of thing, and they were as clueless as I was, so we studied, and talked and laughed like normal.

  I knew I'd open up eventually, but it was hard to even think about Skyler without crying. Talking about him hurt and made his leaving too real. It was easier to just compartmentalize my feelings, to shove them into a box and hide them in the cobwebbiest parts of my heart. I had to. I had to start detaching myself.

  Because he was already doing it, anyway. I could tell by his texts and phone calls that he was distracted most of the time. It hurt a little, but I almost couldn't even blame him. I wasn't the one whose life was falling apart.

  It felt like it, though.

  I texted him before bed one night, tired of studying and reading the same paragraphs over and over. We talked for a while, chatting about nothing and everything.

  It's weird knowing you'll never sneak in my window again.

  Never say never

  Yeah, ok.

  Maybe I'll come tonight.

  Your mom would kill you.

  Hopefully she would. That would be better than military school.

  Fear...and anticipation...gripped my heart. Don't sneak out. You'll get caught.

  I don't even care anymore. My life's pretty much over.

  Not over. I bit my lip, hating the defeat coming through his words. Just on pause for a while.

  Still sucks.

  Yeah.

  my Mom took my car keys anyway

  I sighed, closing my eyes and falling back into my pillows.

  Skyler's end stayed quiet. I was tired, the day having finally caught up to me. I'm gonna go. I have to get ready for bed, but I'll see you tomorrow?

  Yeah. I'll be here, soon as school lets out.

  I was actually a little relieved his mother had hidden his car keys. Skyler didn't give a shit, and he was good at convincing me not to give one, either. Desperation did funny things to people. It had been about a week since we'd been physical, not counting a couple of kisses. I wanted him more now than ever, and if we were alone-alone we'd probably go further than I would've normally.

  And sex was not a good way to detach myself from Skyler.

  The next day, Mrs. Peña gave me a ride to Skyler's. She'd cleared it with my mother the night before, but I could tell she was relieved when Olivia Nolan herself answered the door. No funny business, I suppose.

  Olivia disappeared as Skyler came down the stairs, murmuring something about a phone call. If things had been tense before, they were nearly unbearable now. It made my heart hurt.

  "Would you believe my mom actually, like, cooked for us?” he said, giving me hug. “Like that helps anything."

  "She's going to miss you too, you know," I said, a little more quietly.

  "It's her own damn fault," he shot back, pulling me up the stairs.

  Well, it was his dumb ass that gotten him in trouble, but I kept quiet. Besides, I was having a hard time not resenting his mom, myself. We'd just sat down on his bed when she knocked, barging right in. "Are you hungry, Rory? I thought you guys might want to eat something..."

  "Hi, Olivia. I'm okay for right now, thanks,” I said. “Maybe later?"

  "Sure thing." She smiled warmly before glancing at Skyler. "Do you—"

  He didn't even look up. “Mom, can you please just leave us alone?"

  Her face fell and she left, leaving the door open just a crack.

  "What does she expect?" Skyler scowled, kicking his sneakers off and across the room.

  "She...she still loves you," I said. "I know you're pissed off right now, but—"

  "Rory." His face was so pained that I quieted, hurting for him. "I know. I know I messed up. But they're sending me away. Do you have any idea how that feels?"

  I shook my head, never taking my eyes off his.

  "I just... I can't deal with her being nice right now."

  "Okay," I said, stroking the side of his face.

  He smiled tightly. "Okay."

  "Are you—”

  He leaned into me really quickly, kissing my words away. At first he seemed agitated, aggressive, but soon his movements grew gentle, almost sensual. He eased me on to my back and held himself over me, rubbing our bodies together.

  "I'll miss you," he admitted between kisses.

  "You'll miss this," I teased, pushing up my hips. "Anyway, your mom could totally walk in right now. Maybe we should chill."
>
  He ignored me, going for my neck.

  "I know... you can't... get into more trouble," I panted, feeling my body respond to him. "But... I still can."

  He pulled back a little. "Okay."

  We spent the rest of the time talking in bed, reminiscing about the school year and all the silly stuff that had gone down. Eventually our hunger got the best of us, and we ventured downstairs, where Olivia had prepared soup, salad and homemade bread. My heart went out to her. As screwed up as the situation was, I had to believe she was doing what she thought was right, even though it must have felt so wrong.

  Skyler was leaving in two days, days rightfully devoted to family. When my mother came to pick me up, I knew that was it. We hugged for a long time, and shared a really quick kiss, knowing our parents were watching. How awkward. I wished then I had more pictures of us, of him.

  "So... you have my email address, right?" I asked, swinging my backpack onto one shoulder.

  “People still email?”

  “Skyler.”

  "Yes, I have your email address. And you have mine...so... I guess...I'll talk to you later."

  It felt so inadequate for the past seven months. "Okay.” I took a step back, my body warring with my mind. “I'll miss you."

  "Miss you too," he said, and for once, those gray eyes weren't stormy or sexy. They were just sad. Endlessly sad. He was still so beautiful to me, and my heart broke all over again.

  I stayed quiet the whole ride home, in tears, too knotted up inside to speak. Mom left me alone, occasionally squeezing my leg, letting me know she was there. If she was surprised at the depth of my feelings for Skyler Nolan, she didn't show it. Maybe she'd figured it out long before, and I was just too caught up to realize it.

  Dad was working a late shift, so the house felt quiet. I curled up in bed, letting the light fade as the sun went down. Mom didn't make me come to dinner, not that I was hungry. Unwilling to be alone with my depressing thoughts anymore, I took a long bath and went to bed early.

  So why was I surprised when, in the middle of the night, a text came through?

  Let me in

  I jolted up, heart hammering so hard my hands shook. A beat passed, and then:

  please

  Crazy fool. I flew across the room and yanked open the window. Not gonna lie, I was insanely happy to see him, and so relieved he'd wanted to see me one last time, too...even if it was possibly a suicide mission.