Starry Eyed Inside

by Rochelle Allison

  Skyler grinned down at me. I took his hand, nodding to the door. "Want to sit outside?”

  “Yeah.” He glanced back at Grandma Peg. "It was nice to meet you, Mrs. ...?"

  "Shepherd," I said quickly.

  "Mrs. Shepherd." He gave her one of his patented Skyler smiles. Such a flirt.

  "It was nice meeting you, too, Skyler."

  We slipped outside to the porch. The day wasn't as chilly as it had been the day before, but it was overcast and yucky.

  "You were talking about me, huh?" Skyler asked, grinning crookedly as I shut the door behind us.

  "She was just asking about boys. You know."

  "What did you tell her?"

  "That you were handsome."

  He raised his eyebrows. "Oh, really?"

  "Shut up."

  Pulling me into his arms, he squeezed until I smiled into his shirt, hugging him back. Things had changed between us since the night in Teigan's pool, as if the wall between us had been knocked down and we were finding our way back to each other. "Did you really just come by to bring me potatoes?"

  "There's rhubarb pie in there, too." He rested his chin on my head. “And it's not just for you.”

  "I've never had rhubarb."

  "It's good."

  I ran my tongue over my un-brushed teeth. Honestly, Skyler couldn't have found me at a grosser time. “You didn't answer my question.”

  "I wanted to ask you out."

  "Now?"

  “Yeah, right now. Go get dressed.” He grinned, holding me away so he could look at me. "Nah—tomorrow. The next day. Whenever.”

  "Like a date?"

  “Dinner.” He was so close; I hoped Gran wasn't looking out the window. Actually, I didn't think she would do that, but my mom might.

  Dinner with Skyler. Surreal.

  "Is that a yes?"

  “Of course it's a yes,” I said, poking his belly because I didn't know what else to do.

  He caught my hand. "I'll pick you up tomorrow then, at five."

  Anticipation bubbled through me. "Perfect.”

  Skyler leaned down to kiss my forehead, and I was fifteen again, moonstruck by this beautiful boy. “I'll see you tomorrow.”

  Inside, Grandma Peg was still zoning out to Food Network. "He is very handsome," she commented, her eyes never leaving the screen. "You're a goner."

  "Thanks a lot," I said dryly, laughing a little as I joined her.

  And she was probably right, dammit.

  It had been a long time since I was nervous about a date.

  I knew that if Skyler and I got serious, there would come a time when the brand new shine would fade, when the flutters would be replaced by comfort. It had happened with Tristan. I knew it was that way with my parents, too; the main difference being that while they'd evolved, they'd never lost that loving feeling.

  There was no way of knowing how things would go with Skyler, but my feelings for him had always run deep. I felt like we were being given another chance, and I didn't want either of us to screw it up.

  So, I was nervous. I shaved, although I was wearing jeans, and painted my toenails, even though I was wearing boots. The weather had dipped into the 50s, and as much as I wanted to wear sandals, I couldn't.

  My mother came into my room and sat on the edge of the bed, watching as I applied makeup. I'd probably never be as adept at it as Niki, but I could handle the bare minimum.

  "So. Skyler, huh?"

  Capping the tube of mascara, I glanced at her in the mirror and nodded.

  "That came as a surprise." There was no judgment in her words, but I knew her. Mama Bear was lurking behind the corner, I had a feeling.

  "For me too," I said quietly.

  "You used to be so head-over-heels for him," she mused.

  I still am. "I know." I stuffed a new lip gloss into my purse and turned to face her.

  She was waiting for me to dish. I'd always been fairly forthcoming about my relationship with Tristan, and I suspected she wanted that now. However, things had always been more complicated with Skyler—nebulous, even. It was difficult to put into words what he made me feel, the expectations I had for him, for us.

  "He's changed a lot, Mom. I know that sounds naive, but it's true.” I sat beside her. “He doesn't smoke anymore and—”

  "Thank God."

  “—he's grown up a lot. He gets along with his parents, he graduated with honors last year, he's going to college next year...he's different."

  "Listing his attributes proves nothing, Aurora.” She smoothed my comforter. “I remember how devastated you were last time. I'd hate for you to go through that again."

  "That's a little silly, isn't it?" I asked, pulling on my boots. "Seems like hurt is a chance we all take, regardless of who we're seeing."

  "You know what I mean."

  "Yeah, I do. But I've thought about this, a lot,” I said. “And I want to be with him. It's like this pull: when he's not with me, I'm thinking about him. And when he is with me, I feel it in every part of me.”

  "I get it, honey," Mom said. "I'd never presume to tell you who you should date, not at this age. I just want you to be aware."

  "I know. Thanks." There wasn't much more to be said. My mother's opinions and feelings had always been important to me, but this was something I needed to deal with on my own. Even if it ended messy, it was my own. “Love you.”

  “Love you, too, girl-child.” She smiled, getting up. "Have fun."

  It'd been a while since I'd had a curfew, and she didn't remind me of one now. My parents trusted me these days, even though the girls and I still got into things we shouldn't have been getting into. But whatever. I was eighteen, not forty.

  Skyler picked me up at five, and we drove across the bridge to Hutchinson Island. The sun was starting to set, the sky aglow in lavender and pink.

  Shuckers was a local favorite, right on the water. There were a few brave souls out on the patio, braving the freezing wind, but we could see the ocean just fine from where we were, inside.

  "Do you realize," I said to Skyler, dipping a french fry, "that this is our first date?"

  Skyler frowned. "Really?"

  "Don't tell me you consider what we used to do, dating," I teased.

  A smile crept on to his face. "It was...dating."

  "It was...fooling around."

  "I thought you liked fooling around."

  I went for another fry. "I did like it."

  "Did?"

  I bit my lip, not falling into that trap. We'd veered right off in to flirt mode, and every time our eyes met a pulse of giddiness shot through me. His foot touched mine beneath the table.

  I looked up at him.

  "I know this is our first date," he said.

  "I know you know. You just like messing with me."

  "Yeah.” He cocked his head. “I do."

  "Maybe I like messing with you, too," I said, leaning back against my side of the booth.

  Our server appeared. "Can I get you guys anything else?"

  We were both pretty full, so Skyler asked for the check.

  "I just thought of something," he said, taking his wallet out of his pocket.

  "What?"

  "Denny's."

  "What about it?"

  "That was date-ish."

  "That was so not date-ish.” I snorted. "That was just talking. And anyway, I was still with Tristan."

  "Fine," he conceded.

  Now I was the one kicking him beneath the table. "Why, did it feel like a date to you?"

  One corner of his mouth curled up. "I just wanted to get you out of the house."

  "Guess you succeeded.”

  The wordplay. The chemistry. The vibe had been like this all night, relaxed and real and silly, like we were finally free to be ourselves. Free to tell each other the truth. We left, hurrying into his heated car, but I didn't want to go home.

  “Can we just drive around?” I asked, caressing the dashboard. “You owe me a ride.”

&nb
sp; He hadn't let go of my hand since we'd left the restaurant. Every time I looked at him, my heart dipped low in my chest, like I was on a carnival ride. The carefully constructed cover I'd knitted for myself was rapidly unraveling, leaving me the best sort of bare.

  “I thought you'd never ask,” he said, gunning it down Ocean Drive. Instead of heading for the bridge, he drove down the tip of the island and back, music low, windows just barely open.

  "When did you realize I liked you?" I asked. "Before, I mean."

  Skyler pulled into one of the smaller beach's parking lots. "That day at the beach."

  "Which day?"

  "We were driving by in Sean's brother's truck. You guys were sitting on the sand."

  "By the Intracoastal!" I remembered that day clearly. "Ugh, that's embarrassing. I was falling all over myself for you, and you totally already knew."

  "Yeah, and then Kai liked you so I definitely knew who you were."

  "Why were you so all over the place about it?"

  “About what?”

  “About us. You, like, refused to settle down.”

  "I guess I didn't see the point of labeling it,” he said. “And you didn't seem to care, if I remember correctly."

  "Yeah, I lied about that."

  Skyler laughed, shaking his head as he leaned back. "Typical."

  "Typical what?"

  "Typical girl."

  "I know. I'd never put up with that nowadays," I said. As much as I wanted to hate on his old self for being so lukewarm, the truth was, I'd accepted it.

  "I'd never do that to you nowadays," he said, squeezing my hand.

  "So you acknowledge it was kind of dumb."

  He squeezed my hand. "I acknowledge that I was too stupid to know what I had until I didn't have it."

  The waves crashed just beyond the darkness. I wished it were warmer so we could sit comfortably on the beach.

  "I remember when I knew I liked you," Skyler said.

  This would be good. "When?"

  "The day after I kissed you."

  "The day after?" I asked, making a face. "That's a little backward, isn't it?"

  "Yeah. But I liked a few girls around that time, and I hardly knew you. I thought you were really cute, but anyway, the next day I kept thinking about kissing you, and how sweet your mouth was. Like, you didn't shove your tongue down my throat. You were all shy about it. That's how I knew."

  My insides went hot and swirly at the memory. "I didn't know what I was doing. That was my first kiss.”

  "Shit."

  "Yeah."

  "Was it...good for you?"

  "It was perfect. I thought about it for days." I ducked my head. "I still think about it."

  The mood in the car shifted. He was looking at me; I could feel it. He wanted to kiss me.

  I wanted to kiss him, too.

  "I miss you," I whispered.

  He let go of my hand and stroked his fingers along the back of my neck, making my eyes fall closed at how nice it felt. "I should take you home.”

  "Why?" I asked, slow and thick with wanting.

  "Because I'm trying do this right." He smiled faintly, twisting around to reverse out.

  That reminded me of good times and car rides, and all of a sudden, I was flooded with emotion. Some of it was nostalgic, but a lot of it was brand new.

  "And why is that?"

  "Because I don't mind waiting for you."

  We stopped at a red light. I unbuckled my seat belt. Stretching across the console, I turned his face to mine and kissed him, twice; soft, gentle kisses, my lips pressed to his.

  Skyler inhaled slowly, like he was breathing me in. Cars started moving around us—the light was green. We didn't talk again until he entered my neighborhood, those little kisses becoming something huge between us.

  "What are you doing tomorrow?" he asked.

  "I don't know yet. You?"

  "No plans.”

  Skyler walked me to the door. It wasn't that late, but already the house seemed dark and quiet.

  Everything about this night had been by the book, so I half expected him to kiss me goodnight right then. But he didn't. He drew me in to his arms and held me tight, like he had the day before. I hugged him back, relishing his solidity, his warmth.

  "Let me see you tomorrow," he said, so quietly I almost didn't hear.

  I hugged him tighter, nodding. “Yes.”

  "Let me kiss you," he whispered.

  I remembered this: expectancy sparking through my nervous system, the build-up before the fall. I melted into him, shivering when his fingertips trailed under my shirt, touching the skin above my jeans. He kissed me.

  I caught his lips with mine, and his tongue slipped into my mouth. Warm, wet, we kissed like that for a while; slow, deep kisses that could easily combust in to something else but wouldn't. Not tonight. It was a damn good thing Grandma and Grandpa were inside my room because I might have dragged Skyler in there with me to kiss some more.

  "I missed kissing you," I said. I didn't care anymore. I just wanted him to know.

  Skyler leaned down and kissed the spot between my ear and my neck. It was a sweet place, intimate, and I felt it elsewhere. My eyes had adjusted to the dark, and I could see his face now.

  "I missed kissing you, too," he said, running his hands down the length of my hair.

  One more kiss, nothing more than a meeting of lips, and he left.

  Shivering, I went inside and leaned against the door, overwhelmed. My eyes filled, an overflow of the emotional mash-up rocking through me. Sometimes there was still guilt over Tristan. I'd done the right thing, but it hadn't been easy. I thought about him sometimes, worried about his heart. But my heart quickened when I was with Skyler. Tonight had been nostalgic but new. Full of hope. Kissing Skyler had been a relief.

  After breakfast the next morning, Dad drove Grandma Peg and Grandpa Patrick to the airport. I'd miss spending time with them, but it was nice getting my room back. Once the laundry had been loaded and the dishes dealt with, I called Teigan to see what she was up to.

  Elodie and Jonathan were attending a gala in Jupiter, and Teigan was expected to be there. I thought it sounded exciting, getting to dress up and schmooze with society, but Teig had been over that scene for years. She was going to try and convince Rocco to come along.

  Niki was still holed up with Finn. I mean, she spent most of the holiday with her family, but every spare second was spent with her boy. I didn't bother calling her, not wanting to interrupt. I knew how precious their time was.

  And anyway, I had my own boy to consider. He said he'd call me, but I jumped the gun and called him instead.

  "Hello?"

  "Hey, it's me," I said, toeing my bedroom door shut.

  "I know it's you." He chuckled. "I was about to call you."

  "What're you up to?"

  "Just had breakfast."

  I eyed my laptop. "At 11:30?"

  "You wore me out last night, what can I say?"

  "Ha-ha."

  "Why, what time did you wake up?"

  "Around nine. My grandparents left today.” I smoothed my freshly laundered bedspread.

  "You want to go to the beach?"

  "It'll be freezing," I said, but I already knew I wanted to go.

  "We'll bring blankets. And beer."

  The thought was tempting; I'd been longing for the beach just the night before. “I don't know about beer...”

  "Blankets, then."

  "Let's do it.”

  "Good. I'll be there in twenty minutes."

  I was nowhere near ready to be seen in public. "Twenty minutes? I thought you just got up.”

  "Just be ready."

  I hurried through a shower and pulled my favorite hoodie on with a pair of jeans. Skyler showed up in a hoodie of his own. I pulled the hood up so it framed his hair and face, remembering dark nights and sneaking into windows.

  He cast a quick look around and grabbed my face between his palms, kissing me. "Ready?"

/>   "Mom, I'm going," I yelled.

  "Okay," she yelled from wherever she was.

  Cold, sunny days like today, when the cloudless, robin's-egg-blue sky stretched on forever, were my favorite. Crossing the bridge, we chose one of the smaller beaches along the island. Except for the kids running up and down the shore, flying brightly colored kites, the beach was empty.

  I'd brought an old comforter that we used for camp outs and sleepovers, but Skyler had blankets and pillows.

  "You're going to have sand in your bed later," I said. The wind whipped my hair around my face, loosening my bangs.

  “I'm used to that," he said, plopping onto the blankets.

  “True.” Every kid raised in Florida was used to it.

  "You sleep okay after I left?"

  Easing onto the blanket, I fluffed a pillow and settled back. I had to admit it was ridiculously comfortable. "Did you?"

  “Did you?” he echoed. "Think about me?"

  I rolled to my side. "That's a loaded question, don't you think?"

  He grinned. "Maybe."

  "So, what are we doing?" I traced my finger over the stitching in the blanket. "You and me, I mean."

  His gray eyes shifted like smoke, light beneath the sun. “I told you what I wanted. I want to be with you."

  I wanted to tell him I loved him, but I couldn't. It was too soon. For all of Skyler's gestures and words, I really just needed him to love me, too.

  The kite-flyers ran past, squealing as their kites danced and dove in the wind. I watched for a while, rolling onto my back. Despite the chill, the sun shone warm and strong. I felt golden.

  "I was prepared to wait it out,” Skyler said.

  I stretched and kicked off my sneakers, wanting to free my feet. "Oh, yeah?"

  "Yeah. You're cautious these days."

  “I know.” He was right; I was. “But it was kind of selfish, too. Like I wanted you around, but I wasn't ready to be around for you.”

  "But now...” The kiss was playful and sweet, maybe because we were outside and there were people around. I found myself exploring and remembering his taste, his technique, the things he did with his tongue. He pressed a kiss on that spot from the night before, just below my ear, and I gasp-groaned softly, loving it.

  "You can't make noises like that.”

  "Why not?" Opening my eyes, I tried to pull him back.

  "Makes me think of other stuff," he said, allowing himself to be pulled.