ShouldveKnownBetter

by Cassandra Carr

  Chapter Thirteen

  After the game on New Year’s Eve, the team prepared for Tux ‘n’ Pucks. Sarah got dressed in her office, put her hair up and applied some more makeup before adding the diamond earrings from Sebastian. Rick was just exiting the locker room when she walked by, and stopped short when he saw her, letting out a wolf whistle.

  She smiled, but didn’t want to encourage him, knowing he had quite a mouth on him. Rick and Jordan, especially, said some pretty outrageous things just to get a rise out of her. When they started in on her, other guys joined in too, and the whole thing snowballed in no time.

  “Lookin’ good, Sarah,” Rick said, appraising her dress with a definite air of male appreciation.

  “Thanks.” She’d been lucky and had found the perfect dress. It was a silver, shimmery fabric that caught the light and featured a halter top, an open back and fitted bodice. The loose, flowing skirts came down to mid-calf. The halter top gave her more cleavage than she actually had and the back dropped down to her waist. She had only been thinking of whether or not Sebastian would like it, and it hadn’t occurred to her to consider how it would play with everybody else. Now, as she saw Rick’s reaction, she regretted her choice.

  “I’m definitely grabbing you for a New Year’s kiss.” He licked his lips with a loud smack. “Besides, I really don’t want to kiss any of the guys. You’re way hotter.”

  Behind her, she heard a cough. Rob and Sebastian had exited the locker room, and Sarah was sure Sebastian had heard Rick’s last comment, but if he did, his face didn’t betray it. “Let’s get up there. I can hear the noise from here,” she suggested, and they all took the elevator up together.

  When the group stepped into the room, Sarah gazed around in wonder. The entire area had been transformed into a winter wonderland, complete with ice sculptures of the team’s logo, a martini fountain also constructed from ice, and white as far as the eye could see. It was gorgeous, and Sarah had to admit she was impressed. Scott knew how to throw a party.

  Rob followed her over to the bar. As they ordered drinks, he nudged her. “That’s quite a dress.”

  Sarah bit her lip. “I didn’t think about how it might be viewed by anyone other than Sebastian.”

  “You bought a dress for a party filled with testosterone-laden guys and you didn’t think about it?”

  “I was in a hurry. I put it on. I liked it. I bought it.” She glanced at Sebastian, who was greeting Scott and his wife. “Do you think he’s mad?”

  “No. His jaw hit the floor when he saw you. He knows if you guys want to keep this thing a secret, he needs to play it cool. If I were you, I’d try to limit my exposure to the single guys tonight.” One eyebrow rose in a clear warning. “Rick may not be the only guy heading in your direction at midnight.

  “We better mingle. People are going to think we’re together from all the hushed whispering we’ve been doing together lately, and that’s all we need.”

  She punched him in the arm.

  “Hey, give a guy a break. Didn’t you see Savard lay me out into the boards earlier?”

  “Yeah. I think my teeth rattled.” Sarah smacked him again and then grinned.

  “Stop that!” Rob grabbed his arm in an obvious display of mock hurt.

  “Wuss.”

  Moving away from Rob, she joined a conversation Colby was having with Scott about upcoming games. Sebastian was now across the room talking to Nikolai, but he kept glancing over, and even when her back was to him, she sensed his gaze on her, like a hot sun in July.

  After a bit, Sarah moved away from Scott and Colby and into another group closer to Sebastian. Sebastian, likewise, moved away from Nikolai and over to where Ben and his wife, Jaela, were seated. Sarah sat down and said hello to them.

  Jaela had recently had a baby, and Sarah congratulated them, preparing to see the requisite baby pictures. She liked kids just fine but didn’t see having any of her own. Sebastian was next to Ben, and Sarah sent him a smile. Ben was a pretty perceptive guy, and neither of them wanted to give him any reason to be suspicious. Soon, other guys and their girlfriends joined them, and Sarah spent the hour before midnight in conversation with several of the women.

  At five minutes to midnight everybody stood up. Champagne glasses were passed out, and the big screen television was tuned to the ball drop in Times Square. Sarah bolted for the door, intending to hide out in the bathroom until the kissing portion of the evening ended. She figured it couldn’t be more than ten or fifteen minutes and her feet were killing her anyway. Taking off her shoes sounded like a brilliant idea.

  Sebastian slunk out of the room after her. “Where are you going?”

  “I’m going to hide out in the bathroom while everybody does the whole ‘kissing at midnight’ thing.”

  Sebastian grinned. “Good plan. There are way too many guys who want a kiss from you. If I had to watch a bunch of guys grabbing you…” His hands fisted at his sides. “I know I can’t act like a jealous boyfriend, but having to watch my teammates put their hands all over you might be too much to handle.

  “But you can trust me, mon coeur. I won’t get into any trouble. I’ll just push any women in Rob’s direction and he’ll owe me.” With a wink, he sauntered back into the party.

  Sarah sat on the couch in the empty sitting area of the ladies’ room and listened to the countdown to midnight. After the initial furor, she waited another five minutes to be safe and then left the restroom. She was about to sneak back into the party when someone grabbed her hand. Spinning, her body backed off from the instinctual fight or flight reaction as she recognized Sebastian.

  With a grin, he pulled her into a supply closet. “Happy New Year,” he whispered, and then kissed her. Sliding his tongue into her mouth, he explored while Sarah wrapped her arms around his neck. When they were both breathless, they broke apart.

  “Happy New Year,” she whispered back, and he kissed her again, even deeper, plummeting her into a pool of shivering need.

  Grinding his erection into her belly, Sebastian trailed wet, open-mouthed kisses down her throat. Before they got lost in each other, as they were wont to do, Sarah moved away. “We can’t do this here. You go first, I’ll follow.”

  When Sarah walked back into the party room, she spied a couple of guys laughing and joking around with each other. She was about to head over to them when Rick stopped her. “Where did you disappear to? I looked for you at midnight. Oh well, doesn’t matter, I’ll take my kiss now.” He bent his head as his hands bracketed her waist.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Sarah told him, stepping away and hoping he’d drop it.

  Rick snorted. “Come on, it’s just one little kiss. It’s New Year’s!”

  “I don’t care what it is, Rick. It’s not appropriate,” Sarah answered, knowing she was the biggest hypocrite on the planet for saying that while she was sleeping with one of his teammates. With any luck, Sebastian wasn’t watching this display. He’d said he would be fine, but he was young and she wasn’t sure she could trust him to keep their relationship under wraps if he thought it was being threatened.

  Without another word she headed toward the group of players gathered around Brendan. She engaged the goalie in a conversation about one of his favorite hobbies, photography, and tried not to stare at Sebastian as he laughed and talked to his teammates. That man could fill out a tux like nobody’s business.

  Sighing, she surreptitiously checked her watch again. In a few minutes she should be able to leave, and Sebastian would follow as soon as he could. Sarah had some definite ideas about what she wanted to do with the mouthwatering body he was hiding beneath his formalwear.

  ****

  Before the team left on a short road trip the next day, Sarah took the opportunity to stop at the grocery store to stock up on Sebastian’s favorite foods. She wanted to pamper him when they got back. He would appreciate some home cooking. After getting a start with putting away her groceries, she called Marcy.

&nbs
p; “So what happened at the party? Start at the beginning,” Marcy urged. “Geez, where are you? It sounds like you’re in a tunnel.”

  “I’m at my house, putting away a huge stash of groceries. We’re leaving soon for a road trip, but I need to shop whenever I get the chance. So, remember the dress I bought that I sent you a picture of?” She stretched, pushing a box of cereal onto the top shelf of the pantry where she kept stuff until she needed it.

  “That dress was hot. Sebastian was a fan of it, right?”

  “Oh, he loved it. The problem was, I didn’t think about how it would play with anyone but Sebastian.”

  “Let me guess. You were popular with the other players, too.”

  “Bingo. Sebastian tried to be cool about it, but his roommate Rob warned me I should try to miss the midnight kiss-fest since there were a bunch of single players ogling me, so I hid out in the bathroom.” Opening the door of the freezer, she shivered as she deposited a bunch of frozen veggies and some meat in it before closing the door quickly.

  “And did it work?”

  “Yes, beautifully, and when I was heading back to the party Sebastian pulled me into a supply closet.” Marcy snickered and Sarah continued, “Yeah, I know, how cliché, but anyway, we had a private New Year’s kiss.”

  “That sounds nice.”

  Sarah plopped into a chair for the moment. She’d put away the food that needed to be refrigerated or frozen. The rest could wait. “It was, but then I went back into the party and one of the guys tried to give me a late New Year’s kiss. I had to extract myself from his grip and explain the inappropriateness of kissing a colleague. Talk about being a hypocrite. It was awful. Of course, I also had to worry about Sebastian noticing and freaking out.”

  “But it all worked out in the end?”

  “Yeah, but the sneaking around thing is really getting to me. It’s making me totally paranoid.”

  “Maybe you should come clean then.”

  Sarah sighed. “I can’t, you know that.”

  “No, I know you think you can’t. I’ll ask you again. Are you seeing a therapist? He or she could help you work this stuff out in your head, you know.”

  “I do know.”

  “But you haven’t,” Marcy said.

  “No.”

  “Well, I can’t make you go see one, but I think you should. I care about you, Sarah, and I want you to be happy with Sebastian. Until you deal with all this crap, plus all the stuff that’s been festering from your past, you won’t be able to fully give yourself to Sebastian.”

  She rubbed her forehead, feeling a headache coming on. “I hear you. I do. And thanks for being willing to keep kicking my ass. I need someone to. Oh, and Marcy? Sometimes it feels like you’re the one sane thing in my life. I appreciate you listening to me all the time.”

  Marcy chuckled. “If I’m the sane thing in your life, you’re in big trouble, lady.”

  “Don’t I know it?”

  Sarah hung up after promising Marcy she’d move ahead in finding a therapist.

  Sitting down at her laptop, she did a Google search for therapists in the area before she procrastinated again. She figured she owed it to both herself and Sebastian to work through her past. An hour later, she’d e-mailed three of them, and the guilt at not having done it before now loosened a little.

  ****

  Soon after New Year’s, the team got some of their forwards back from hernia surgery, but Sebastian continued to get significant ice time, as several other players were nursing injuries and his goals per sixty minutes of game time was the fastest-rising on the team. Sebastian had shown himself to be a versatile, responsible player with a nose for the net and the coaching staff liked what they saw.

  He brought up the idea of them going public with their relationship again, but Sarah adamantly refused. If they continued to do well together and this thing became a long-term relationship, she might consider it. But right now? No way. She had too much to lose, and, especially considering his increasing role on the team, so did Sebastian.

  A few days later, Sebastian admitted that while they’d been out of town Jordan had seen him sneaking back to his hotel room after seeing Sarah. Sebastian had lied and said he was walking off a charley horse he’d woken up with, and Jordan, being a trusting soul, had bought it.

  She doubted the result would’ve been the same if it had been Ben or even Rick. Sebastian wasn’t a good liar and she was relieved he’d been able to sidestep around the situation. While she hated putting him in that position, the alternative was losing her job, and who knew what it would do for Sebastian’s budding professional hockey career. Sarah was sure of it.

  The decision to keep their relationship underground was again tested when Sebastian came over one afternoon after practice and handed her an envelope. “What do you want me to do about this?” His lips were pressed in a thin line.

  Unease settled into her pores. Sarah didn’t know what it was, but judging by his expression, the envelope didn’t contain good news. “What is it?”

  “Open it.”

  Inside was a letter from the world-renowned cancer hospital in the area asking Sebastian to take part in a charity bachelor auction.

  “Well…”

  Before she could say anything else Sebastian dropped into the chair next to her. “I can’t say no. I’ll look like a huge jerk. I mean, it is for cancer. How could I refuse? If you and I were out in the open I wouldn’t be considered a bachelor, but we are not. I’m your dirty little secret, as you Americans say, and that sucks.”

  Every time this subject was brought up, Sebastian was more and more bitter and she couldn’t blame him. It wasn’t right to treat him that way, but she was cornered with no good solution to the problem.

  “You can’t refuse, so I guess you’ll have to do it.”

  His eyebrows drew down and his eyes were stormy. “I don’t want to go on a date with another woman, Sarah.”

  “I know, but like you said—”

  Sebastian jumped up and rounded on her. “Screw what I said! Are you really telling me you’re okay with the idea of me being trotted out on stage like some pony and sold to the highest bidder? Okay with me taking them out to dinner or whatever else I’m supposed to do?”

  “Of course I’m not okay with it, but much like how you have to play it cool around the guys when they flirt with me, I’ll have to be cool about this.”

  “But you don’t want me to do this.”

  Not able to meet his angry gaze any longer, she concentrated on her hands. She’d bitten her nail to the quick yet again. “Well, no.”

  “Then go public.”

  Sarah flew out of her chair then too, her hands fisting at her sides. “We’ve talked about this. We can’t tell everyone we’re dating.”

  Sebastian tucked the envelope into the inside pocket of his winter coat. “Fine. Then I’ll do the bachelor auction.”

  “Fine.”

  They glowered at each other from across the room. There was a very real possibility she’d lose Sebastian over her insistence on secrecy, but this job was her dream and she’d be devastated if she lost it.

  Who was she kidding? If she and Sebastian broke up, it would kill her too.

  If both were gone…

  “I’m gonna go have dinner with Rob. See you at the rink tomorrow.”

  He left without kissing her, and Sarah absentmindedly touched the tips of her fingers to her lips. She hated being out of control. Ever since her attack, she needed to be as in control of everything around her as possible. But she’d never counted on meeting a man like Sebastian. No matter how much she wanted him to be okay with their relationship, she couldn’t make him accept her terms.

  A lone tear fell and she sniffled. Sarah was damned if she did, and damned if she didn’t. But which would hurt less? Much to her consternation, the answer to that question was probably neither.

  At Sarah’s first appointment with her new therapist, despite everything from her past, she found herself ta
lking about Sebastian for most of her hour. “I feel guilty. I know I’m too old for him, and I know I shouldn’t be dating him because he’s a player. But I fought the attraction for almost four months and it nearly killed me. So now we’re together, and in some ways it’s great, yet there are still some niggling doubts in the back of my mind that are keeping me from being happy.”

  Her therapist, a woman named Eve, said, “How many years are there between you and Sebastian again?”

  “Ten. He’s twenty-four and I’m turning thirty-five over the summer. He’s really mature for his age, but the fact remains I’m way older.”

  Eve smiled a little. “I’d hardly call ten years way older, Sarah.”

  “Even so, every time I see him I’m conflicted. On the one hand, he makes me happier than I’ve ever been. But then I’m reminded of all the reasons we shouldn’t be together and I get all snappy and melancholy. I’m hurting him and it’s not fair.”

  “Does he think it’s unfair?”

  “Yeah. He’s a freaking angel and, at least at times, seems willing to wait for me to make up my mind about what I want. He has said he doesn’t want to wait forever and he feels like my ‘dirty little secret.’” It was hard not wince as she recalled him saying exactly that the day before.

  “Well, obviously I can’t tell you what to do, and I think next time we should begin to delve into your past, but until then, try to be gentle with yourself. This constant stress and worry will take a toll on your health.”

  “I’ll try,” Sarah grumbled.

  ****

  Sebastian signed up for the bachelor auction, knowing there was no way to worm out of it. He was still angry and disappointed in Sarah, and every time he dodged a teammate’s question or snuck out of her room late at night he lost a little more of himself. Sometimes he wondered how much more he’d be able to take before he cracked.

  If she knew how many people he was actively lying to, she’d be upset, so he kept that information to himself, but it was getting harder every day to hide their relationship. Dating Sarah was turning into an ego-swallowing proposition, and he didn’t want to turn his back on who he was and what he believed in.