Torn (Torn Heart)

by Brewer, Annie

  “I’m sorry, Jackson.” Her voice is small, making me feel like an ass for yelling at her. “I shouldn’t have asked such a stupid question.” She leans against my car. “But did you really quit the team?”

  I let out a breath, turning around to face her. The pain in her eyes cuts me to the core and I have to look away. “Yeah, I did. I was gonna tell you. I’ve been working for Jake’s dad at his auto body shop, so I can save up money to get us an apartment. I’m sorry for not telling you. I just didn’t think it would bite me in the ass and stir shit up.”

  “Oh Jackson, I’m so sorry.” She moves closer to me. “God, I shouldn’t have doubted you. As long as I’ve known you, you’ve always been respectful.” She’s partially right. I may have been an asshole on the outside but on the inside, she’s all I could think about. Still, even as an asshole, I knew my limits and hitting a girl was far off the radar. My dad raised me right in that respect. She wraps her arms around me. I do the same. “Remember I’m always here to talk. About anything. That’s what our relationship is about, always was about even as friends. You can trust me.”

  I run my fingers through her silky strands. “And you can always trust me.” I say into her neck, blowing out a breath. “And I wasn’t lying when I accused Daniel of giving me a concussion. He really did. He made it look accidental but the fire in his eyes, and not the passion-type of fire that we have for one another, the angry-I’m-gonna-fuck-you-up kind of fire was in there right before he collided with me as another guy collided into us. Then I remember jack shit, except waking up with your frantic voice screaming my name. I was scared, Sky.” I lean back against the door and shove my hands into my pockets. “One minute I’m sitting on top of the world, having just said those words I’d longed to tell you…and the next minute, I’m out cold on the field.” A harsh breath slips out, “What a way to celebrate our love for each other, huh?”

  Her gaze drifts everywhere, uncertainty written on her face. “You should’ve told someone. If just your coach.”

  “I did.” I admit. “He didn’t believe me. Daniel made it sound like it was an accident. So the coach went along with it. He wanted us to get along and work together. Fuck that. It’s one of the biggest reasons for quitting the team. For three years, I worked my ass off for him and being the best. And that’s how I’m appreciated?” I shake my head. “Just as well, I wasn’t feeling the game anyway.” I grab her hand and kiss the back of it. “I have a new dream now.”

  “I was given an opportunity in New York to do painting and photography.” I drop her hand instantly; I don’t know whether to feel anger or betrayal. How long has she known? Is that why she asked me about New York? We stare silently at each other. I need to get away before I do something I may regret.

  Chapter 24

  Skylar

  The ride home is an eerie silence, the tension is suffocating. I stare out the window watching my life fly by in a blur. When I look over at Jackson, he’s gripping the steering wheel with such force, I wonder if he’s trying to rip it off.

  Finally, “Say something.” I urge in a weak voice. Nothing. “Say something, please.” I plead, louder.

  “I’m afraid I’ll say something I’ll later regret.” He says.

  “It’s better than saying nothing, this silence is killing me.” Or maybe I should listen to him.

  “Fine,” He glances at me briefly, “How long have you known about this?”

  “For a few weeks.” I whisper.

  “What?” He snaps, and I can’t tell if it’s due to not hearing me the first time or if it’s disbelief that he’s just now finding out about it.

  But I clear my throat and say, “For a few weeks.”

  He stays silent. I can feel the anger rolling off of him in waves. I wish he’d just talk to me. I also know it’s my fault that we’re in this situation. If I’d just told him about in the beginning like my mother suggested, we’d be having a different discussion; like when our road trip rain check will be.

  He pulls up to my house and parks the car but doesn’t make a move to get out. So with a sigh of resignation, I open my door. Slowly.

  “Tell your mom and Brandon I’m sorry I can’t make it tonight.” He stares straight ahead, his expression blank.

  “So that’s it? You’re just gonna stay home?” I don’t hide my own irritation. I finally get out, grab my stuff and slam the door. He takes off without a word, or a backward glance.

  I’m left feeling my world shatter and make it inside the house just before I crumble to the ground. I cry until a set of arms lifts me into an embrace. I soak my mother’s shirt with my tears, but she just silently rocks me, brushing my hair with her fingers and soothing voice.

  When I’ve calmed a bit, I sniffle and rub my eyes. “I lost him mom. I freaking lost my best friend.”

  She caresses my cheek as I close my eyes. “Shh, you know that’s not true. But tell me what happened.”

  I tell her about the confrontation with Daniel in the hall, the accusation of hitting Amber, the truth of him quitting the team and getting a job. And then how after I told him he can trust me, I blurted out my secret I’d been keeping from him.

  My mom listens intently, taking in every word until I’m finished. At first she’s quiet, searching carefully for her own words of wisdom.

  “First of all, I can see why he’s upset. You’ve had time to tell him of your plans or opportunity and you didn’t until you had no choice.” True, I’m aware it’s my fault. Tell me something I don’t know, mom. “On the other hand, he kept his secret of quitting football from you.”

  “But he was doing it to surprise me, once he saved up some money for an apartment.” I defend him.

  “Right, but he still kept it from you, with good intentions. However, I just think he shouldn’t hold such a big grudge and at least let you explain your actions.” She nods to herself, as if another thought just occurred to her. I’m trying not to laugh at her expressions when she’s in ‘thinking to herself’ mode. “On the other hand, it’s part of the abandonment issues he has. He probably feels you didn’t include him and were just going to leave him without a say in the matter, as if his opinion means squat. That’s why he was afraid to let love it.” My heart breaks and I see what my mom is saying. But it’s far from the truth. I’d never abandon Jackson. Now that I have him, I can’t imagine being without him. I guess I really screwed that up.

  Standing on the porch, my heart races at the fear of being rejected. I silently pray he’ll listen to me. Of course, he’s not here; his car is gone. But I knock on the door anyway.

  The door opens and Jared’s smiling face turns down into a frown when he sees me. “Hey,” He pulls me into a hug, “What happened?”

  We sit on the couch and I tell him all about my crappy day. At which point, he gets me a pint of Neapolitan ice cream. Sure, it’s not the answer to all my problems, but it tastes so good.

  “Do you think I’m being unfair?”

  He looks at me with patience and I know it’s hard for him to side with one or the other. I wouldn’t ever ask him to. Still, I just need his opinion. “The thing is; I think you’re both acting out of fear. Here’s what I think,” He starts all professional-like. “Jackson dealt with our mom’s absence differently than I did. Don’t ask me why it didn’t change me. It’s not that I didn’t care or wasn’t affected. But I had to watch after my dad and little brother. I didn’t have time to sulk and cry and wonder why she walked out on us. But he…he saw her leave and he waited for her to come back. We didn’t tell you everything about that because, well. It was a struggle. But he was certain that she’d come back.”

  My eyes mist over, feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders and my heart breaking. How did I not know about this? I wipe my eyes and listen.

  He continues, “When she left, I knew she wasn’t coming back. She’d been sneaking around with this guy for a while. I overheard a conversation once, and don’t ever tell him about it. But she told Sam, the guy she
ran off with, that she was getting her stuff together and she’d be at his house. It was a long drawn out convo, and it was set for like a week.”

  He scoops more ice cream into his mouth and continues, “Anyway, I watched her leave. I confronted her and she confessed. But she didn’t tell Jackson or my dad. She just left. He sat by the front door every day, saying she’s coming back. It took him a few days or more to accept or acknowledge that she left. And wasn’t coming back. She never called or wrote. It was as if we didn’t exist. And inevitably, that screwed him up.”

  “God, that is horrible. What a bitch.” Is all I can think to say. He not only left Jackson, but he left Jared and their dad. Three people, for one. Really? That doesn’t sound like a good deal.

  “Yeah, so he’s got trust issues. And I think that’s why he settled for Amber. He didn’t feel he deserved better. He shut off all emotions and became a shell. I tried to crack him a bunch of times, but that’s when we butted heads.”

  “I’m sorry Jared. I didn’t realize how much you were relied on for strength and guidance, between your dad and Jackson.”

  “It’s okay, I learned to brush things off and move on. You can’t dwell on the things that are beyond our understanding. I just thought this would’ve brought him and me closer, ya know?” I nod. “But I do know he’s always loved you, Sky. The boy had a thing for you for as long as I can remember. He never knew I knew it, though. But he was scared of what his feelings meant. He loved our mom and she left so.”

  “I get it. But I’d never abandon him. I never would’ve.”

  He catches my eye, “Just give him some time. He’ll see he’s being overly dramatic.”

  I glance up and mumble, “I didn’t tell him about Europe, either.”

  He lets out a slow breath, “Well, yeah he’ll need some time.”

  I curl up in a ball, wishing I could go back to that day we sat on the merry-go-round, when I brought up New York. If I could have a do-over, I’d tell him then. Unfortunately in life there are no do-overs. Only learning from our mistakes. I just hope time will bring him back to me.

  I walk back home to get ready for dinner with my mom and Brandon. Even though I’m not in the mood for a dinner with company, I put on my best happy face I can muster and suck it up. For my mother. Plus, Brandon is pretty awesome.

  I help her set the table.

  “So how’s Monica?” She asks, casually. I’m grateful for her topic of conversation.

  I set glasses out on the table. “She’s finally feeling more normal as far as sickness goes, but emotionally, she’s still kind of out there, questionable.” I laugh at myself. I know it’s been a hard journey for her and Jake, though. Nonetheless, they make it work; they’re so good together.

  The doorbell rings as I set the plates down. I see my mom’s busy so I shuffle to the door and let Brandon inside.

  He’s wearing a suit and tie, a little dressy for such a casual dinner at the McKenzie household, but I guess it’s to impress my mom. So I’ll give him brownie points for effort. Not to mention, he brought flowers.

  “Where’s Jackson?” He asks, taking off his coat and hanging it over the back of the chair.

  When I notice my mother giving him a warning glance, I sigh and say, “It’s okay, mom.” I turn to him and force a smile. “He wanted me to apologize for him; he’s not able to make it tonight.” And leave it at that.

  We sit down and eat in silence. I observe both my mom and Brandon, sitting across from me. Their little glances don’t go unnoticed. It’s quite cute to see my mom interact with another man; one that’s pretty handsome I might add. I mean, besides Paul. But that doesn’t really count.

  Brandon has dark blonde hair and dark blue eyes. And when he smiles widely, a dimple appears. How adorable is that? I love dimples. I’ve only met him twice so far, three times now, and so far, I really like him. Maybe my dad somehow finally sent her a sign to move on.

  Brandon clears his throat, “So,” I blink. “Are you excited about Europe?”

  Not exactly what I wanna talk about, but I bite my tongue and nod around a mouthful of spaghetti.

  “I think you’ll love it. It’s beautiful.”

  I swallow my food and wash it down with my drink. “You’ve been?”

  He nods with a pleasant smile. “I studied abroad back in my college days. It was the best experience of my life.”

  That gets me a little excited. I can’t wait to go. “Should we start packing now?” I ask my mom, only half-joking.

  “We’ve got plenty of time.” She says between mouthfuls of garlic bread. “But we do need to get our passports. It takes weeks for those to come in.”

  I nod, dishing out seconds. I feel sauce on my face and lick it clean.

  “So my daughters, Ashton and Vanessa have asked to meet you.” I can’t tell who he’s talking to, until he looks right at me.

  Oh. Isn’t that too soon? Meeting the family? I just sit and stare at him like I’ve lost the capability to think or speak.

  “Skylar.” My mom’s soft voice is all I hear. I shift my gaze to her. “Did you hear Brandon?”

  I rub my face and grunt. I’m so tired, I imagine many more sleepless nights in my future, until things get resolved. “Yeah, sorry. That’d be great.”

  Both Brandon and my mom exchange worried looks. He says, “If it’s too soon, it’s okay. Just let me know. I understand this, “ He gestures between him and my mom, “Is a change in itself. So whenever you’re ready, we’ll go out somewhere for a picnic or something.”

  He’s really trying here, that I can appreciate. And maybe I’ll invite Jared and Paul, Randa and Ian. It could be fun. I smile kindly at him, “I’ll definitely let you know. Thank you for being understanding.”

  My mom smiles at us both, I smile back. And then send up a thank you to my dad, even if he didn’t have a part in this. We finish eating with small talk. Brandon says he’ll tell me all about his experience in Europe sometime. Part of me feels like some weight has been lifted. Part of it, anyway.

  Later that night I lie in my dark room, staring out the window, wondering what Jackson’s doing or if he’s thinking about me, at all. I shut my eyes and beg my body to relax and let me sleep. My mind, however, has different plans. I toss and turn half the night.

  Eventually, I give up. I sit up in bed and read with my book light. Even that doesn’t work. I grab my phone, turn my music on a slow station on my stereo and look at pictures that I took of us and let myself cry. Usually crying myself to sleep works. I did it a lot after my dad’s death.

  ***

  “Seriously, Sky. Everything will be fine.” Randa and Ian took me out to the movies. It was so nice to get out.

  We eat at the food court and I glance around. “So how’s your Winter break going?”

  “Eh, it’s fine.” She dips a fry into her sauce. “I have news.”

  “Don’t tell me you’re pregnant too.”

  She laughs, Ian does not. “No, but…we’re moving.” I raise my brows, frowning. “It’s not until after graduation, but he’s going to school in San Antonio and I’m going with him. Well, not school but you get the point.”

  “Huh.” I’m not sure what to say, but in a way, I’m happy for her. It’s just I’m struggling with all the changes going on around me and I’m still not sure what I’m doing after we graduate. Still I say, “That’s great. I hope it works out for you.”

  She studies me, uncertain of my feelings. “We still have time before then. Let’s make this last semester, the best damn time of our life.”

  I force a smile and agree, for her. We walk around the mall for a bit, aimlessly. Christmas is a time of family and love and happiness. I’m just having trouble finding the desire to care. I always loved this time of year. It all changed after the accident. It’s been a rough two years; and an even rougher Christmas. My dad always did something special for me, and we’d put up lights each year after Thanksgiving. Our house was sometimes the most detailed-thanks to Jare
d and Jackson, usually. We’d check out the light shows and once, my dad took me to Disney on Ice. It was the best Christmas.

  “So, what’s the plan?”

  I look at Randa in confusion. “For?”

  We walk past Victoria’s Secret, and I almost turn back and go in there. I love the panties and I’m in need of more thongs. Yes, I like thongs. I’ll admit it.

  “For the holidays. Are you doing anything with your family?”

  “Oh, yeah. What kind of question is that? I don’t know if Brandon is gonna be part of it, but Jared said something about us getting together.” I didn’t ask if Jackson would be there. Wouldn’t he? It is Christmas after all.

  “Cool. We’re spending it with his family.” Randa grabs Ian’s hand. “I’m pretty excited.”

  “Can we stop at VS before we leave?” I ask her quietly.

  Randa casually says, “Yes, we can stop at Victoria’s Secret on the way out. No problem, Sky.” She winks at me.

  My face warms, I bump her shoulder. “Thanks for the subtleness. I was trying to be discreet.” She just laughs; telling me shopping for lingerie is nothing to be ashamed of.

  We stop at a game store and a few other stores, including Victoria’s Secret. We leave the mall.

  “So we should shoot some pool at the place Jackson took us to.” I nod in agreement.

  We get in Ian’s Corolla, and nonchalantly, I check my phone, not expecting anything, but I can’t help but wish I’d get a surprise message from a certain someone. Wishful thinking. I toss it back into my purse and sigh. “Sure, sounds great. I could go for some nachos.” I smile at the memory of our first date and how I pigged out on Jackson’s. They were so cheesy and filling, smothered with jalapenos. I lick my lips and watch the road fly by in a dark blur.

  We spend the next hour bowling, the game distracts me and I find myself having fun and even throwing in some humor about my granny-style moves. I watch other people bowl and think about joining a league. That’d be fun.