Taking a Knee

by Sean Ashcroft

  “Do you need a hug?”

  Jace nodded again. He stood, and Noah didn’t hesitate to step toward him, wrapping his arms around him. In return, Jace squeezed him tight. Noah didn’t have the heart to object, even if it was making it a little difficult to breathe.

  He’d wondered how Jace managed to be okay all the time, and clearly the answer was that he wasn’t.

  While he listened to Jace sniffing and trying to get himself under control, Noah traced circles on his back. If there was anything else he could have done to soothe him, Noah wouldn’t have hesitated. He hated to see anyone upset, but especially someone like Jace. Jace put so much good out into the world that he didn’t ever deserve to feel like this.

  “I don’t know why I’m crying,” Jace said. “No one actually died.”

  “You’re scared. It’s okay.” Noah squeezed him a little tighter, though he didn’t have nearly as much power in his arms as Jace did. “We all get scared sometimes.”

  Jace sniffed again, and then went silent, tucking his chin over Noah’s shoulder. They stood like that, swaying a little while the kitchen clock ticked behind them. Noah couldn’t keep track of the time, and he didn’t care to, either. Jace had been there for him in his worst moment, he could be there for Jace now. He could be there for Jace whenever he needed him.

  Good times and bad. That was what he’d promised. While their marriage wasn’t the traditional kind, Noah still took that part seriously. They were supposed to have each other’s backs. Jace was clearly under more stress than he liked to let on, and that was okay. Noah could help him handle it. If that was something Noah could give him, then he was happy to.

  “How do people have kids, knowing how fragile they are? Knowing they could lose them any minute?” Jace asked.

  “I want kids,” Noah admitted. “Or a kid, anyway. I feel like more than one would require more competence of me than I’m capable of.”

  “You want kids?” Jace asked. Noah could hear the surprise in his voice.

  “Sure, yeah, someday. With the right person.” Noah shrugged. “I think it’d be nice. I’d like to… I dunno. Share the world and everything in it with someone who hasn’t experienced any of it before. Because a lot of things are bad, but a lot more things are good.”

  “But you’re gay,” Jace said.

  “I am aware. Adoption and surrogacy are both options. I’d tend to lean toward adoption. And if I adopted a preschooler then I could skip the baby part, which is the least fun. For me, anyway. I guess it’s different if you carried it.”

  Jace laughed, which Noah took as a good sign. “I wouldn’t know. And I didn’t mean that you can’t have kids, I guess. I just never thought about it. Which is dumb, because we get kids with gay parents in all the time. I just never thought about you having kids. I thought you didn’t like ‘em. You kept saying you couldn’t do my job.”

  “I couldn’t. I couldn’t give as much of myself as you do to everyone. But I could do it for my own child.” Noah shrugged. “At least, I hope I could. I wouldn’t do it alone.”

  Jace took a deep breath and finally let go of Noah. Noah missed his warmth immediately, but was glad he was back to himself now.

  “So is that what you’re doing when we’re done with this? Finding someone to settle down with and raise a family?” Jace asked, sitting back down at the table. Noah joined him, choosing the seat next to him instead of the one across from him. He didn’t want to be any further away from Jace than he had to be just now.

  “Maybe,” he said. “I dunno. I don’t think you just go out in the world looking for a life partner and have one fall in your lap. Convenient as that would be.”

  “But it’s what you want? Like, if someone could wave a magic wand?”

  Noah snorted. “I think I’d like to get to know the guy a little before I had a family with him. But I get what you mean, and yeah, I guess it is. It’s where I’d like to see my life heading. I don’t want to be alone forever.”

  Noah’s mind had been more on home and family than usual lately, which made a lot of sense. He’d just gotten married, after all. He’d just moved in with someone he liked spending time with. Of course he wanted more.

  “Well, you’re not alone now,” Jace pointed out.

  “I know, and it’s surprisingly soothing. I didn’t think I’d enjoy it as much as I am.”

  “Me neither.” Jace smiled a tiny, tired smile at him. “I’m actually really glad we did this. Especially because now I have someone to be up in the middle of the night with before a game.”

  Noah laughed at that. “I’d rather sleep properly, but it’s nice to have company, yeah.”

  “A little over twelve hours until start time.” Jace nodded to the clock. Noah wasn’t necessarily unaccustomed to being awake at this hour, but pre-game nerves stopped him from being able to do anything productive with his time. Running his own business meant he could work at night, when he was most effective, and sleep until the afternoon if he wanted to. He was just still getting used to that freedom.

  “We’re gonna kick ass,” Noah assured him. “Even if we haven’t slept. Even if we fall asleep on the track.”

  “Sometimes I don’t sleep,” Jace said. “I mean, it’s no big deal. I’ve worked some long shifts in my life. I’m wide awake the moment I put the skates on.”

  “Yeah, me too.” Noah sipped at his glass of water. “Not so much the long shifts, but the not sleeping. I sleep really well after the bout, to make up for it.”

  “Yeah.” Jace laughed softly. “Yeah, that’s why I never work a shift right after. I’d probably curl up in the reading nook and nap.”

  “You have a reading nook?” Noah raised an eyebrow.

  “For the kids. When I have a place of my own, I’m totally putting one in, though.” Jace grinned.

  “I could go for that. We can have matching reading nooks.” Noah sipped his water again. He’d never thought much about owning a home, but it was a nice idea for the future. It was something he’d want to have, as part of the neat little family picture that was forming in his mind. Jace was, currently, holding the place of his partner, but that made sense, too. The more Noah thought about it, the more this felt like a practice run.

  He was probably more invested in it than he should have been, but he could keep that to himself. He figured he was just getting older—he’d be thirty next year—and with that came wanting to settle down.

  They fell into a comfortable silence, staring at their own glasses of water. Noah had been through this ritual more than a dozen times by himself, but it was nice to have company. It was good not to be alone, and he’d never realized how good it would be until he’d been not-alone with Jace.

  That probably meant something, but Noah was too anxious about the game to tease it out. He’d get to it later, as he always did when it came to things he didn’t understand about himself.

  Chapter Ten

  The slightly earlier than usual game brought a smaller crowd, and Jace was thankful for it. He’d sat up with Noah until nearly five, and hadn’t been awake all that long as a result. It wasn’t Noah’s fault at all. If anything, Jace felt guilty for leaning on him. He’d needed to be around someone else last night. He needed to be reminded that pain and illness weren’t the only things in life.

  Noah had given him that without a word of complaint. Jace knew he was often hard on himself, and couldn’t see how much of a force for good he was in Jace’s life. He’d have to come up with a way to help Noah see how much he meant to him.

  Right now, though, he needed to focus on the game.

  “Okay team,” Coach Williams called. “So far, we’ve got enough points to make it to nationals, but we need to keep that lead. So you take the play when you can see it, and you don’t get precious about hurting yourselves on me, or I’ll come out there myself.”

  Jace chuckled. Coach Williams never gave them a break, which was what made her so good for them. Between her and Noah—who wouldn’t let anyone make exc
uses about why they weren’t playing their best game—no one ever got the chance to slack off. Slacking off happened when they weren’t mid-game. That was why they’d needed to keep Noah.

  “And you listen to what Noah has to say out there, okay? You voted for him—and even if you didn’t, the rest of your team did. We all do better when we work together.”

  There was a general nod and murmur of agreement, and then everyone went back to checking their equipment. Jace hoped people would take that advice. On the days where they really worked together as a team, they did better. Derby wasn’t the kind of sport where one person could accomplish anything on their own. It all came down to teamwork, and Jace was afraid that they’d lost sight of that a little.

  Brian had said to him after training that everyone had seen Rafe push Noah too hard, but Jace hadn’t been sure what to think. He knew Noah hadn’t run into him on purpose, but accidents did happen. All the same, he hadn’t seen it. Maybe the rest of the team had seen something he hadn’t.

  “I totally voted for you, by the way,” Jace said. He had done, when they’d been electing a new captain at the beginning of the season. Noah had always been the best bet for the team.

  Noah snorted, looking down at his laces and giving them one last tug to tighten them. “I voted for you.”

  Jace grinned. “True love.”

  “I just figured that if it wasn’t going to be me, it might as well be you.” Noah shrugged. “I like you.”

  “You love me,” Jace insisted.

  “Fine, I love you,” Noah agreed. Though he was obviously trying to seem annoyed, a smile tugged at the edge of his lips. “You would have made a good captain.”

  “You make a better one. But I think the guys want to hear a speech.”

  Noah’s eyes widened. “No.”

  “Too late.” Jace shoved Noah’s shoulder gently, encouraging him to stand up. “Speech,” he said. Someone else heard him, and repeated it.

  Soon, the whole team had taken it up as a chant. Speech, speech, speech.

  Noah glared at Jace, but he wouldn’t stay mad. Jace was encouraging him, and they both knew it.

  “Okay, okay,” Noah stood. “Firstly, I am so proud of you guys. And we are totally going to pull this off. We’ve earned our place so far, and now isn’t the time to back down. I stayed here instead of going home because I believe in this team and I want to see us win. I want every single one of you to show me that I made the right decision. Are we good?”

  There was a general murmur of agreement among the team, which Jace joined in with. Noah would take them where they wanted to go.

  That could only happen if people trusted him, though. Whatever Jace could do to help with that, he meant to do it. He’d married the guy so they’d have a hope in hell of making nationals next year. He was all-in on this.

  “So how do we win this one?” One of the newer guys who’d just come up to the team this season asked. Jace hadn’t had time to learn his real name yet, but they called him The Grey Hulk. He was a big dude with greying hair, so Jace had never wondered why that was. Jace—and most of the team—had taken to calling him Grey.

  “We play better and harder than the other guys,” Noah said. “Derby is not a complicated sport. Strategy happens on the fly, and we play to our strengths and their weaknesses. Right now, our strength is that we have big blockers, so we can afford to play defensively and wait for our moments. But if you see another opportunity and you can communicate it to whoever you need to pull it off, go for it.”

  Noah paused for a moment. “I did not actually mean to make a speech about that. Just go out and play, okay? When in doubt, run interference. Maybe we can annoy them into submission.”

  A laugh rippled through the team. Noah was trying to hide that he knew exactly how to play this game, and that he had a strategy all planned out. Jace understood why—he didn’t want to look like a dictator, he wanted people to follow him because the things he was saying made sense.

  Or maybe he lacked confidence in his abilities. Jace hoped it was the first option, because Noah had no reason to doubt himself. He was amazing.

  The officials started making noises about getting onto the track, so Jace stood and put his mouth guard in. Despite the fact that it wouldn’t have saved him from the split lip he’d gotten last week, he was still being extra careful about it.

  In the interest of really selling that he and Noah were married, Jace smacked Noah’s ass on the way past him. Not hard enough to hurt, or even really sting, but just enough to make him jump. He laughed all the way to the starting line, until Noah got into position.

  “You’ll pay for that later,” Noah said. Jace knew he would, but paying for it was half the fun. His and Noah’s relationship was at least twenty percent friendly teasing. He wouldn’t have had it any other way.

  “Okay folks, are you ready for this?” the announcer asked. “I’ve got a cute story for you. See the Murderland boys? Well, their jammer just got married to their fourth blocker. Isn’t that sweet? Real derby husbands!”

  Judging by the aww sound travelling through the audience, they did think it was sweet. Jace hadn’t thought about how they might react, but he was glad it was positive.

  Noah glanced at him, but said nothing. Jace knew Noah was uncomfortable with forcing him to appear to be gay—or bi, really—in public, but Jace had gotten over the weirdness. Other than when he was deliberately play acting with Noah for the sake of believability, it didn’t make any difference to his life.

  “I think it’s sweet,” Jace said softly, catching Noah’s eye again to wink at him. Jace saw him relax, his shoulders slumping and the lines that had formed on his forehead smoothing out. He wanted Noah to understand that he was completely cool with their arrangement.

  It had meant at least twice as many home-cooked meals and a hug when he needed one, so far. He wasn’t about to complain. Noah was making his life easier and happier, not taking anything away from him.

  The shrill note of a whistle signaled the start of the game, and all thoughts about his home life left Jace’s head. Instead, he focused on the other team’s jammer. A blocker’s job was simple—get in the other guy’s way, as much as you can, and get the other guys out of your jammer’s way where possible.

  He’d been playing long enough now that it was second nature to him. Once the game started, everything came automatically. Jace could see where he was supposed to be going, how he could get around someone, what he could do to help.

  He assumed it was like that for Noah, too. Noah got lost in the game, as far as Jace had seen. He was fearless on the track. Jace loved watching him from the bench, looking at the way he moved without hesitation, with perfect control. Despite the accident earlier in the week, Noah was still the best player Jace had ever seen.

  Jace saw an opening to get Noah past the other team’s pack, and skated in to take it. They’d practiced this move a hundred times, but it had never come up in a real game before. Jace could feel his heart hammering in his chest as he reached out to Noah, picking him up by the waist, clear off the track, and swinging him over the out-of-bounds area. He stepped around an opposing-team blocker, and then set Noah down on the other side to let him take advantage of the gap the other team had left.

  The rush of blood pounding in Jace’s ears was replaced by a cheer from the crowd. He grinned to himself, glancing to the side to see Noah clear of the pack and coming back around to lap them again. If he was quick, he’d manage to lap the whole pack—and score another five points—before they recovered from the flashy maneuver.

  That was one he’d stolen from the women’s team. Compared to men’s derby, women’s was brutal. The guys got knocked around a little, but the girls wore their bruises, cuts, and even fractures like badges of honor.

  It was actually kind of hot, even if Jace’s nurse side winced at seeing them hurt. He hadn’t been to a women’s bout in a while. Maybe Noah would come with him sometime.

  Jace was still celebrating the wa
y they’d pulled off the assist when he heard a sickening thud and the sound of the crowd reacting to an injury, a low ‘ooh’ followed by a wince he could almost feel in the air. He turned, not seeing anything of note ahead of him, and saw that Noah had fallen on the track.

  At first, he was disappointed, but not worried. They’d make the points up, and if you didn’t fall at least a few times per game you weren’t doing it right. Noah would recover quickly and get right back in the game, and they probably wouldn’t even suffer over this.

  Then Jace realized that Noah wasn’t getting up.

  Chapter Eleven

  Noah groaned, desperately wanting to turn onto his back so he could breathe again. He’d fallen okay, but the hit that had taken him down still hurt. As he’d been coming back around the pack, Rafe’s elbow—or rather, his elbow pad, which was made of very solid plastic—had connected squarely with Noah’s chest, knocking the wind out of him.

  It wasn’t Rafe’s fault. Noah had come up too close behind him and assumed that he’d have the same eyes in the back of his head that Jace did. He’d dropped his guard because he was still thrilled about the move they’d pulled off ten seconds earlier.

  He heard someone kneel beside him. Probably a referee to tell him he hadn’t fallen as well as he should have and had earned himself a foul, as well. He prided himself on playing mostly clean, though fouls were intentionally not especially punishing in roller derby. Enough of them could screw up your chances at winning the game, especially if a fourth minor foul put you out of action for a full minute at a critical moment, but otherwise they weren’t the end of the world. People were rarely sent off permanently.

  “Hey.”

  Noah swallowed. Not a ref, then. Jace. He fought to focus on him, fighting back a wave of nausea. He couldn’t remember being hit so hard in his life. He’d been in actual fights where people had intended to hurt him and come out of it better off than he felt now.

  “I got you,” Jace assured him. Before Noah could decide what that meant in context, Jace scooped him up, holding him bridal-style to move him off the track.