Rent-a-Boyfriend

by Celia Fay

  “Ow, fuck!”

  I stumble over something and it feels like I’m flying through the air. “Mark!” I screech.

  But no one catches me and I’m just falling. I’m gonna die. Holy fuck, I’m going to die.

  I land with an “off” in Hell.

  Hell is – apparently – soft and hard at the same time. Like lean muscle.

  Wait. What the fuck.

  I rip off the dumb blindfold. There’s a face right under my nose. We’re close enough to kiss.

  I blink.

  He blinks.

  He?!

  Cursing random words that aren’t even swear words, I scramble to my feet, heart pounding. The other guy looks shocked too, but his eyes keep flitting back to me. And he’s blushing.

  The guy I really want to murder walks over now. “Wow. That was amazing!” Mark exclaims. “A total drama moment. Falling and almost kissing is the most perfectly clichéd way for the love interests to meet. Kai, this is Jackson. Jackson, meet Kai.”

  What. The. Fuck.

  This is Kai? This is the guy that’s supposed to be my boyfriend for the next three months?

  I take a good look at him. He has jet black hair that can probably be in a shampoo commercial – it looks soft, fluffy and shiny. His eyes are like a cat’s and they’re staring at me. I narrow my eyes and continue my own staring.

  And his face and skin... pale as paper with edges like someone sketched him out on that piece of paper. He is basically an anime character. I’m not even being racist.

  “Woah.” His voice cuts through my thoughts of him. It’s a mellow voice, even though he looks so damn excited now. I focus back onto his moving red lips. “You’re my boss!”

  I blanch. Things just keep getting weirder.

  “Really?” Mark asks for me. But he sounds excited too, while I’m the only one that’s still going what the fuck.

  “Technically, I guess,” the guy replies, sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. “I’m a freelancer and I write stuff for the website.” His eyes suddenly start shining. “Can you make me a full time employee?”

  “No,” I snap. “I’m not in charge of entry level jobs.”

  Kai pouts. He full-on pouts and I feel like I’m back in high school or middle school. Mark really knows how to be a matchmaker – note the sarcasm.

  Mark claps, stopping me from cursing him out in my mind. “Okay, Jackson is a little stressed out right now. How about you two head into the restaurant and I won’t be a third wheel anymore.”

  “You’re leaving me?” The question leaves my mouth before I can stop it. The two laugh and I glare at both of them. Mark doesn’t stop, but Kai shuts up immediately. Thank you.

  “Let’s go,” I reply gruffly. And I march in without a second glance at Mark.

  To be honest, I have no clue what I should be talking about. His salary? Or maybe a better word is “compensation”? But no, Mark probably got all the contract things settled.

  Our living habits and pet peeves so he doesn’t piss me off? That’s kind of important.

  But no, Kai is currently yapping about his dogs in high school – three poodles that I’ve already forgotten the names of. I love dogs, though, and this is starting to make me feel more positively about him. Is this a good thing? Is it supposed to happen?

  “He actually ate my homework. But my teacher just laughed at me and told me to think of a more original excuse!”

  “What other jobs do you do?” I interrupt him.

  He stops his animated gesturing, hands falling down to the table immediately. “Uh…”

  “Just freelancing for our company?” I prompt.

  “Well, I also dance,” he replies.

  “Where?”

  “At Modo?” he answers, but his voice tapers into an impossibly high octave.

  I narrow my eyes. “That’s a strip club.”

  Kai laughs awkwardly, a thin but wide smile cutting his face into two. “Yeah, I’m a dancer there. I can get you in for free,” he says with a wink.

  Okay, my dad will definitely not approve of this, but the media will have so much fun. And that’s what I need, right?

  “What exactly did Mark… tell you?”

  He sets down the forkful of salad. He’s the only one eating here. “The ad just said someone was looking for a fake boyfriend for three months. And I should be legal, but under 25. I’m 23 years old, by the way. So then I called and when the Mark guy answered, I was pretty surprised. I thought I was gonna have to pretend to be straight!” He breaks off with a chuckle. “And he just said that you need to get your family off your ass about getting married. And that you’re nice and funny, but stressed and pissed recently. And you’re rich as fuck and you’ll pay for my rent and food and extra compensation.”

  I will?!

  Okay…

  “Well, let’s get some things straight. First of all, I’m straight.” Kai’s features crumple a little at that. “We’re not celebrities, but the media likes to write about us, for some reason. You might get your face in the tabloids.”

  “I’m gonna get famous?” Kai yelps.

  I send him a hardcore judging stare. “So I need you to watch your mouth and actions. Me fake-dating you will impact the company, but I don’t want you to ruin the entire thing, alright?”

  “Yessir.”

  Groaning inwardly at his energy, I continue, “There’s a dinner party next Saturday. We have one and a half week to get the backstory straight and make sure you know how to act.”

  He finishes chewing whatever’s in his mouth and gives me a dazzling grin. I almost shield my eyes. “We can get to know each other better if I come stay with you.”

  “No,” I reply flatly. It’s kind of embarrassing to admit that I don’t have my own place.

  I try to move on, but Kai whines, “Why not?”

  Sighing deeply, I decide to tell the truth. “My family lives together.”

  “Aww,” he coos. “That’s cute.”

  Ugh.

  Somehow, Kai interprets “getting the backstory straight” as a dire need to continue our first date at a coffee shop after dinner.

  “I still have like two hours to kill before I have to go to work,” he explains. Work at a strip club, I remind myself.

  Kai pushes the door open and greets the owner like old friends. And I guess they are old friends. The lady gives him a motherly pat on the head when we reach the counter. Skipping all the usual steps of ordering drinks, Kai pays, as if by habit.

  “S-shouldn’t I pay?” I stutter.

  “If you pay, Anya won’t give us any free cookies.”

  Anya – apparently – chuckles. “Is this your new friend?”

  I brace myself for Kai’s answer. “He’s my new boyfriend!”

  Oh god. The lady studies me, her eyes going up and down, not missing an inch. I feel naked under her stare and my conscience suddenly feels very, very guilty. I force a business smile onto my lips. You know, the kind that is very forced, but still kind of looks genuine.

  After what feels like forever, she smiles at me – an actual genuine one. I let out a breath that I didn’t know I was holding. “I’m sure you’re a nice boy,” she says.

  Kai hums. He latches onto my arm and leads me to our seat. It’s in a library nook, with towering bookshelves on either side. And so the plastic kiddie chair and table set feels even more out of place. He sits onto a faded purple seat with a flowery cushion, leaving me with the hot pink one. It creaks when I settle into it. We sit with our knees bunched together.

  “I’ve been coming here for as long as I remember,” Kai starts. “This is my reserved chair. I actually wore a hole into the seat. That’s why there’s a cushion over it, in case you’re wondering.”

  I was indeed wondering, and his story makes me wonder more things, but I don’t show it on my face. I know I should probably stop acting like an ass, since we’re supposedly dating now. But this is a “give me money and I’ll do shit for you” relationship. Not
hing less, nothing more.

  Maybe he’s just good at acting. And I suck at it. Wouldn’t make sense otherwise.

  He gives me a look. “You’re supposed to ask ‘why have you been coming here for so long?’ or ‘how powerful must your ass be?’” he says with a pout.

  “Uh…” I blanch.

  “You suck at conversations,” Kai teases. “This must be why you can’t find anyone. Except me, of course.”

  Even his small talk is genuine and flows naturally. I don’t know how I’m supposed to react. “Uh…” I say again.

  My intelligent response makes his grin grow wider. And then it grows impossibly bright when Anya comes over with two lattes. His latte features a design that I can only say is modern art. And mine is supposed to be a heart, but…

  “Hey,” Kai says, craning his neck to see my mug. “That heart looks like a butt.”

  I roll my eyes. “It’s a heart-shaped butt,” I deadpan.

  His eyes widen, brows shooting up. “You reacted to something I said!” he exclaimed. But all I can react to that is a deep breath, trying to calm myself down.

  This is the shit that I threw myself in, and I have to deal with it.

  “So what’s our story?” Kai asks.

  Right. The important stuff. I straighten and get into business mode… And I get interrupted. “Can you mention that I’m a freelancer for you guys?”

  I narrow my eyes at him. “Are you doing this just to get a better-paying job?” I accuse.

  He takes a sip from his latte and a foam mustache forms. It becomes even more prominent when he deepens that damn pout. “Hey, I didn’t know you’re my boss when I signed up,” he defends himself. “But it seems like a good opportunity, y’know. I’m realistic. And anyway, this whole thing-” He breaks off to gesture at the two of us before continuing, “is better-paying job already!”

  Finished with his defense, he gives me a hopeful look. The puppy eyes are ruined by the suggestive wink that follows. “Okay, I’ll mention that you’re a writer and dancer. Nothing specific about where you work.”

  His lips stretch into a lopsided grin. “Fair enough, baby.” I groan out loud. “How did we meet?”

  I can’t help but narrow my eyes even more at him. “You sound experienced with everything.”

  Kai shrugs in response. “I read books?” Fair enough. I stopped reading when it wasn’t required by professors. “And I’m a writer?” Right…

  “Then you come up with the backstory.” My voice is almost a whine and fuck, he’s rubbing off on me already.

  The guy clasps his hands together. “Well… we can go with the total cliché of how we were both hurrying to work. I accidentally spilled my morning coffee on your pristine white shirt. I apologized profusely and offered to wash your shirt for you. You were kind of pissed and needed to get to work ASAP, but I still managed to get your number.”

  “Uh…” I’m back to my previous state. “Sure.”

  The devilish twinkle in Kai’s eyes grows. “Can I call you any pet names? Jackie? JJ-bae?”

  I don’t even have to pretend to retch. “Fuck – don’t you fucking dare call me that.”

  Chapter 3

  It’s time for my high school squad’s bi-weekly video bonding session. I haven’t joined in forever. But as luck would have it, Luke won’t be participating for the next few times. He’s in Germany and apparently the time difference is really bad. I personally just think he’s a grandpa who goes to sleep at 8 p.m.

  Mark and I are on first.

  “In order for things to be convincing, you have to get through all the stages of dating within this week,” Mark says without a basic greeting.

  “Uh, hi to you too,” I mutter. “Why are you more into this than I am? I’m not even paying you.”

  He tsks. “You know, there was a study that found people actually get less excited to do things if they’re paid. And I have a lot of spare time.”

  “Don’t you have lessons to plan and homework to grade? You’re fostering the future of America. You have our future and hope in your hands.”

  “I have your future in my hands too. And I’m going to have fun with it,” he replies cheekily.

  Amber finally signs into the group chat. As if she had a premonition about what we’re talking about, she says, “Actually, it’s kind of homophobic of your dad if he disapproves of your fake boyfriend just because he can’t produce an heir.”

  “Well, it’s technically true. Mpreg doesn’t work in real life,” I drawl. “And anyway, I never said my dad isn’t an asshole.” I snap my fingers. “Time to change the subject.”

  But Mark and Amber both shake their heads.

  “This is the most interesting thing in all three of our lives,” Amber says.

  “Yeah,” Mark adds. “Let’s keep talking about it.”

  And so my friends continue discussing my love life as if I don’t exist. According to them, I’ve become tainted by society and Kai is the perfect type of fresh air. And I need to get the stick out of my ass and replace it with Kai’s dick.

  I feel their love for me – yeah, definitely. It actually puts me into a better mood, even as I threaten to hang up on them.

  Eventually the conversation turns to Amber wondering how to make food without a kitchen in her new studio apartment. Mark complains about his messy roommate. The entire atmosphere dies when I tell a dad joke and Amber curses me out.

  The next day, I wake up to two unread messages.

  According to the little snippet I see, the first is a good morning text from Kai. I ignore it.

  And I wish I ignored the second text, which is from my dearest Mark. He repeats how important it is for me to “experience all the stages of dating” within this week. Apparently, he has everything planned out for every single day of said week. All I need to do now is follow his orders.

  The first task is to send a good morning text.

  Oh.

  Rolling onto my back and shoving my feet back under the covers, I read Kai’s message: rise and shine, JJ-bae~

  I stare at the words until they blur together. Uh…

  In the end, I send: I’m not a morning person. Don’t mess with me.

  To soften things, I send the smiling sun emoji too. But I guess even that looks a bit menacing.

  The next task is to go on a date to the planetarium.

  “What the fuck,” I mutter to myself. Why there, of all places?

  As if reading my mind, Mark’s text goes on to explain that being under the stars is really romantic. But it’s kind of hard to do so in the middle of the city. Plus, there’s a good photo op place in the museum.

  Okay then. I guess that’s where I’m going tonight. After I finish the work that always gets piled onto me, even on weekends.

  A stack of paperwork, a video conference and some phone calls later, it’s around 5 p.m. Kai sends a message asking where we should meet up.

  Two seconds later, Mark sends me all the logistics of the date. I have strong suspicions that Kai knows I don’t know what’s going on and sends mass texts (to two people). Kudos to his smart thinking.

  I make a mental note that I have to get my shit together. I can’t keep taking Mark for granted.

  Exactly one hour later, I pull up to Kai’s apartment building in a nondescript but still showy car. He whistles when he gets in, running a hand over the leather seat.

  “My best friend has a sugar daddy. I can’t believe I got myself one too.”

  I open my mouth to protest, but… I guess I really am like a sugar daddy now. I don’t know what to think of this label.

  Small talk during the ride is inevitable. “Have you eaten dinner yet?” I ask. It’s the age-old traditional greeting for my mom’s side of the family.

  Glancing toward Kai, I see his dumb grin. “Nope. I was hoping you’d treat me.”

  “Uh…”

  “Just kidding,” he sing-songs. “If you’re so stingy, we can just pay for ourselves at Marty’s.”

&nbs
p; I purse my lips. I’m not stingy, goddammit! “Where’s that?”

  “What?” Kai gapes at me in disbelief. “Everyone knows Marty’s! You must not be a native.”

  I don’t question him on the possibility that everyone knows that place. “I’m from Ohio. I came here at the end of high school when my parents divorced and I went to college in another city,” I recite.

  “Oh.” Kai chews on his lips as if deep in thought. “I’ve been here forever. My family goes way back. Like my great-grandparents and grandpa got locked up in the internment camps during World War II. They tried saying they were Chinese, but it was the only time people could tell the difference.”

  “I’m half Chinese. No one ever guesses that.”

  “I feel you.”

  We sigh in some kind of camaraderie. Wait… I can’t believe I’m feeling something that bonds us together.

  “Well anyway, it has the best low-budget burgers in town.”

  When we finally get there, Kai enters the planetarium with the air of someone who’s been here a hundred times before, walking in like he owns the place. I let him drag me around, explaining everything to me.

  Mark really knows me well – astronomy was my passion in middle school, but I’ve forgotten all about it until now.

  “You know, shooting stars aren’t actually stars. They’re just dust particles that burn up when they interact with atmospheric gas,” Kai says. “And people keep wishing on them. Isn’t that funny?”

  “Kind of sad, to be honest,” I say.

  “Oh, oh!” Kai continues, making animated gestures. “Did you know that a day on Venus is actually longer than an entire Venus year? And the planet spins backwards too.”

  I make a face. “How come you know so much?” My question is genuine.

  “I come here a lot.”

  “You go everywhere a lot.”

  Kai gives that lopsided grin of his. “I walk around when I can’t sleep,” he replies simply.