Shades of Atlantis

by Carol Oates

Forgive me, he said hesitantly, but you don’t appear to be okay at all.

  You seem rather frantic, actually.

  I looked up, and he was grinning widely at me. I frowned. I presumed he meant I looked like a lunatic but was being polite. I took a deep breath.

  I’m sorry, really I’m fine. I don’t normally go running after strangers.

  Neither do I, he responded in a soft British accent as he continued smiling at me.

  I smiled back, genuinely this time. He was sort of handsome, really. Not that I looked at men in that way anymore. He had large, expressive eyes and sandy brown hair, cut short and neat and showing his sharp jaw line and high cheek bones. He looked more like an actor or model; maybe my assumption about him being a businessman was wrong.

  I would feel a lot better if you allowed me to buy you some tea, he offered, inclining his head to the coffee shop. His expression was honest and open, kind.

  I looked down and pretended to busy myself with my bag again. Oh, no. That’s okay, really, you’ve been so helpful already, I answered politely.

  Em, he mumbled, playing with the strap of his watch. Well, you see, the thing is — I’ve noticed you a couple of mornings this last week, and I was planning to introduce myself.

  Oh. I winced. He was trying to ask me out. I looked up at his face through my dark glasses. His eyes were innocent and boyish. They reminded me of being at a pound where some little puppy would be looking at me, pleading with me to take him home.

  Well, I suggested, looking at my watch. It was just past twelve. I know it’s early, but I could really use something a little stronger. He looked a bit taken aback at first. Then he grinned. Well, you have had a shock. It wouldn’t hurt, for medicinal purposes? 163

  Of course, I agreed with a smile.

  He placed his hand near my lower back, not touching but as a guide, and lifted his other hand to gesture down the street. Shall we? His accent was growing on me already.

  I was right the first time about John Hamilton he was in business.

  Several in fact. He owned the coffee shop I went to every morning for a start, along with a few more. He dabbled in property development, but at twenty-five he wasn’t as young as I had first thought.

  When he was nineteen his parents died in a car crash, something I could relate to. He left college to set up his own business and take custody of his nine-year-old sister, and all the responsibility made him mature and level-headed. He quickly became a fixture in my life, despite my total bluntness regarding any prospect of a romantic relationship. He seemed happy to keep my company and hope for the best.

  Everything was easier with John around. He didn’t ask about what happened the first day we met, and I didn’t volunteer that particular information.

  I was embarrassed to be chasing after some random stranger, thinking he was my dead boyfriend. I knew how it would sound, even though the truth was boyfriend didn’t cover what Caleb had been, and still was, in my life.

  Triona, have you heard from Ben lately? Amanda’s voice from the other room sounded vaguely agitated.

  It was an unseasonably hot September evening, and John and I had been out visiting museums all day. He was sitting at the end of the couch in my apartment, watching some generic monster movie on TV and massaging my tired feet. It was so relaxing I almost forgot about the pain in my head. Amanda was in her room, checking some e-mail before heading out for the evening with her boss to a housewarming for some place they had redesigned. The full-length window was open, letting the warm air gently bellow the sheer drapes into the room. Amanda stomped out of her room in the process of hastily stuffing some makeup into a tiny sequined purse, late as always.

  I took my arm away from where it covered my eyes. No, I haven’t actually, I said. He was supposed to call last week.

  Oh, she mumbled.

  Why?

  John was engrossed in the movie, running his hands over my lower legs and ignoring the conversation.

  I e-mailed him, and he hasn’t replied, she said. Her expression was hard to read. That was over a week ago.

  He’s probably busy, I said, shrugging. Maybe he’s finally got himself a girlfriend.

  Oh, maybe, she muttered, heading to the door.

  My brother the chick magnet, I laughed.

  She let out a strangled laugh before closing the door.

  Ben had changed a lot in the last year. He’d grown to over six feet and developed muscles out of nowhere. He had always been good looking, but he was handsome now. Women of all ages flocked around him, even if he didn’t have time for any of them, preferring to hang around with me, my misery, and Amanda. I thought at first it was to keep a watchful eye over me after Caleb, but then I realized he was simply happier when he was around us.

  What’s wrong with Amanda? John asked, not moving his eyes from the screen.

  I don’t know, I mused. Maybe she’s feeling left out with you here all the time.

  He grazed his finger over the sole of my foot, and I playfully kicked his leg.

  Hey, he yelled, smiling. Be careful there! You know, you’re kind of freakishly strong — for a girl.

  Is that so? I laughed. My head was clearing, finally.

  Yeah, it is. He nodded, rubbing my leg again.

  I jumped up in a flash and threw myself across him, running my fingers over his sides. Well, you’re freakishly ticklish for a guy. John convulsed with laughter, and his face lit up. The sound was infectious, and I couldn’t help laughing with him. He tried to reach for me, but my reactions were far too fast for him, and I repeatedly moved out of his range. He fell sideways, and we both rolled off the couch, screeching in laughter. I had him pinned to the floor, sitting astride him and holding his hands over his head. For such a big guy, he wasn’t much in a fight. He looked up at my face, breathless and grinning.

  I like this game, he teased suggestively.

  That caught me off guard, and I looked away in embarrassment. He took the opportunity to make his move. Seconds later I was lying on the floor with the full force of his body weighing me down.

  I like this even more. His voice became hushed and serious.

  I laughed nervously; his weight was restricting my breathing. He didn’t laugh. His breath was on my face, and I could feel his heartbeat quicken.

  He face moved closer to mine, and I froze. I kept my eyes on his until he was too close, then I closed them, sensing that our lips were about to meet.

  Don’t, I murmured.

  He stopped but didn’t move, his lips still hovering dangerously near to mine.

  Please. I felt a sharp pain in my heart and tears welled behind my closed eyelids.

  John pulled back and lifted me to my feet. He didn’t appear to be upset or feel rejected like I would have expected. Maybe he didn’t want to kiss me as much as I thought.

  Let’s go for a walk, he suggested brightly.

  I grimaced at him, then looked downward to my tired feet and protested.

  We’ve been walking all day, and it’s going to rain. John pushed me down to the couch and handed me the shoes I’d removed earlier so he could rub my feet. He laughed.

  What makes you think that? he asked. It’s lovely out. There isn’t a cloud in the sky.

  I slipped the shoes onto my feet reluctantly. I can smell it, I grumbled.

  We took a walk down a tree-lined residential street toward Clerkenwell Green. John kept me close to him with his arm around my shoulder. Clouds had begun to gather like I knew they would, and I couldn’t help smiling to myself with satisfaction.

  I have to tell you something, he admitted seriously and gave my shoulder a light squeeze. I loved listening to his accent. I looked up to him and put one hand on his chest; his heart was beating a little faster than usual.

  What? I prompted, smiling. Spit it out.

  He took a deep breath and blurted, Amanda filled me in about Caleb. His gaze fell to the ground.

  Oh, I sighed quietly. I’ll kill her.

  She didn’t
want to, he confessed. I dragged it out of her. I wanted to check out the, eh, competition.

  I glanced at him sideways. Competition? I asked, confused.

  You know what I mean, he said, his voice breaking slightly. I could tell he was uncomfortable talking about this.

  Caleb isn’t competition.

  I know, he sighed. I’m sorry. I thought you just had a really bad relationship back home and broke up with the guy. I didn’t realize. That wasn’t what I’d meant about competition. No one could compete with Caleb. He would win every time. I kept this to myself and let John continue.

  I suppose I understand now why you’re so reluctant to get involved again, he said awkwardly. I mean, after losing the love of your life like that. My heart tightened a little. A tear escaped, and I wiped it away before he saw. John stopped walking and took my hand in his, turning to face me.

  I don’t expect to replace him, he said, but if you give me a chance, you might find I’m a good substitute.

  I stared up, amazed at the sincerity in his eyes. You shouldn’t have to be a substitute for anyone, you deserve

  I deserve to be with the woman I’m falling in love with, he interrupted before I could get my excuse out fully. I looked away from his face in dis-grace. I’d never meant for things to get this far with John. I only knew I liked having him around. The sky was darkening around us.

  You’re the one thing in my life that’s not touched by Caleb, I said slowly. When I’m with you, I can pretend that I won’t always ache for him. Please understand, I want to want to be with you. If that makes any sense? I looked at him, and his eyes focused on me intensely. I really do.

  I’m just not there yet.

  He grinned. So there’s hope?

  I returned his smile and looked up at the sky as the first drop of rain fell and splashed onto the side of my face. My heart lightened, feeling the caresses of the tiny cool droplets hitting my skin.

  I told you so, I said, smirking at him.

  John grabbed my hand and dragged me after him. The rain started coming down thick and fast. He stopped under a tree near a small park and pulled me in close to him, but I wriggled from his grasp.

  It’s just rain, I laughed. I stepped out from under the shelter of the branches and stretched my arms out wide, turning my palms upward. I tilted my face back so my face was to the sky and closed my eyes. The drops splashed against my skin, sending shivers through my body. I could feel every drop, and I turned around slowly, letting them land from different directions.

  When I opened my eyes, John was standing patiently, watching me from under the cover of the tree. He reached out a long arm and brought me to him, trapping me against the trunk. My T-shirt and jeans were soaked through, and my hair was matted to my face. He placed one tentative hand on my waist and brought the other hand up, sweeping the hair from my cheek before pressing it tenderly to face. He examined my expression carefully as if he were waiting for my reaction, but I didn’t move to stop him this time. John lowered his face to mine and hesitated. I could feel his heart pounding under his T-shirt where my hand rested, and my own heart quickened in anticipation. Then his lips touched mine. I responded in the way I knew I should, wrapping my arms around him and urging him closer with my mouth, but I felt nothing in my stomach. My heart didn’t race faster, and the only chills I felt were from the rain and nothing more.

  It was warm and comfortable in his arms, but he wasn’t Caleb.

  John walked me back to my apartment holding my hand. It was awkward beside him. The rain had stopped, but I was still soaked. He paused when we got to the door.

  Aren’t you coming up? I asked.

  He let go of my hand before he answered. No. I have some paperwork to catch up on, and I’m expecting a call from Emma. His tone was strained.

  I hoped he didn’t sense my regret at our kiss.

  Oh — okay.

  I put my key in the door and unlocked it. His hand caught the handle before I could push the door in. His body was tight at my side, and his hand gripped my elbow firmly. His face was only inches from mine.

  We will be together someday, he said. The words were confident and determined.

  My breath caught as I finally grasped the intensity of his feelings for me.

  He wanted much more than companionship. He released his hold on the door, and I smiled uncomfortably before stepping inside.

  As I stood at the open door watching him walk away, a tear fell down my face. I brushed it away, but more followed. I went inside and slammed the door closed behind me, panting heavy, painful breaths. Images of Caleb invaded my head. My heart felt like it would burst open, and I clenched my hand to my chest.

  It was a betrayal kissing John that way. I knew John was falling for me, and I realized that in my head I wanted to feel something, wanted to move on and let go of Caleb. I fell back against the door, and my legs gave way as I slid down slowly to the floor. It was my heart that wouldn’t let go. It pounded loudly in my ears. I wanted the comfort I felt with John. My head told me to love him, but I still pined for Caleb’s touch so badly. I could feel him now, the way I always did when he was nearby. Like in a dream, I reached out to him, but he was gone, and I sat at the door weeping miserably.

  I woke curled up in a ball on the floor with my knees clutched to my chest and the sound of the phone ringing. Reluctantly, I dragged myself out of my stupor, uncurling and stretching for the phone on the small table beside me.

  Hello? My voice sounded strange, like it wasn’t mine.

  Hello? Triona? It was Ben. My heart lifted at the sound of his voice, but the connection was bad. He sounded off.

  Are you okay? he asked with a worried tone.

  I coughed to clear my throat and tried to pull myself together. My eyes were sore. Everything in the room seemed unnaturally bright and clear, more defined somehow, like the edges were sharper which struck me as strange, considering that it had gotten dark out while I slept. I could see the uneven surface of the wall, something I’d never noticed before, and it was hurting my eyes. I blinked a few times, trying to adjust to the brightness.

  Yeah, yeah. I’m fine. I just had a bad day.

  Oh, Ben said, understanding immediately. I didn’t need to define bad.

  Amanda was asking about you today, I stammered, eager to change the subject of the conversation. I pushed myself up from the floor with one hand; blood rushed to my head, and I staggered.

  How is she?

  I detected an air of concerned affection in his voice.

  Fine. Slowly pieces were starting to come together in my head. Ben, is there something you want to share with your big sister? I moved up the stairs, heading to my bedroom and transferring the phone to my other hand, feeling strangely light on my feet.

  Something’s happened, Triona.

  Immediately panic gripped me, and I stalled on the stairs. What?

  I’m on an eight-thirty flight out of Bangor. I have to wait for a connecting flight in Philadelphia, but I should get to you early Monday.

  What’s happened? I yelled, scared for Lewis and Carmel, before starting up the stairs again.

  It’s okay, he reassured me. Everyone here is fine. I’m fine. I just really need to see you. I’ll explain everything when I get there, just don’t worry.

  It’s something really good, I promise.

  I took a breath, pulling at my damp crumpled T-shirt.

  Sure, I mumbled.

  Just, he paused, don’t be shocked when you see me.

  What?

  You’ll see, he said smugly. I’ll talk to you soon. Tell Amanda not to worry.

  Hmm, I sighed. Bye.

  The phone was already dead, and I raked my fingers through my tangled hair. I walked over to the full-length mirror in my bedroom to survey the damage and stopped in my tracks. I gasped, and the phone dropped from my hand and landed with a clatter on the floor. It was hard to focus, but everything seemed so real all of a sudden, so clear. Like a mist had lifted.

 
I looked the same; it was me staring back, but it wasn’t. To anyone else I might look the way I always did, but I could see that my skin had changed.

  The texture was different smoother and silky soft. I looked as if I had been sitting in the sun and gotten a healthy glow, almost a light gold.

  I stepped closer and ran a single finger inquisitively across my cheek. It was silky to the touch. My eyes were different too. My eye color was lighter, and my eyes shimmered like emeralds. My hand flinched away from my own skin. My hair was messy and sticking out at odd angles but it was also slightly different. It was shiny and the color was richer. I was sure that if I brushed it, it would look like I came straight out of a shampoo commercial.

  By now my breathing was coming shallow and fast, and my heartbeat drummed against my ribs. I lowered my head and stepped back, shutting my eyes tightly against the image I had just seen. My heart thundered in my ears, but I could hear more than that. I squeezed my eyes tighter in concentration, trying to block out all the other sounds around me. The alarm clock on the nightstand behind me, the traffic, the footfalls of the people rushing around in the rain outside, and the rain itself, tinkling like crystals hitting the glass of the window. A heartbeat. I could hear another heartbeat, beating as hard and fast as my own. Breathing. I could hear a slow intake of air and then an exhalation, filling the air around me with a delicious fragrance, so familiar it made me tremble. I wrapped my arms around my body, frozen to the spot, and kept my eyes shut as tightly as possible, afraid to open them in case the sounds around me, the breath I could feel on my face, vanished.

  Open your eyes, whispered a voice as smooth as satin.

  I couldn’t. I couldn’t move. I felt a tender touch on my cheek. A thumb caressed my face, smoothing the crease at the edge of my tightly shut eyes, sending tingles through my entire body and rushing blood to my heart. I could smell the scent of the skin on the hand that still held my face, and I inhaled deeply, filling my lungs.

  Open your eyes.

  Tears flowed freely down my face, and slowly my eyes relaxed and opened.