To Catch a Dream

by Mary Wood

  The same things she had noticed before struck her again. His sun-kissed skin, taken with his dark, oval-shaped eyes and handsome looks, could have meant he had foreign blood in him, though his voice gave her knowledge of his Yorkshire roots. But then, likely someone from across the water had a hand in the making of him.

  ‘Me name’s Bridie – Bridie O’Hara. We’ve been after meeting before, a long time ago. You nearly knocked me off me pins then, too, so you did!’

  Still on his haunches gathering up her onions, he’d lifted his head. His look had held a question. ‘Oh, aye, I remember. You were lass as was running like a scared rabbit, the day as I went into Liverpool. By, that were back in January ’76. Aw, but if I remember reet, that time it was your own fault. You weren’t looking where you were going, so that makes us quits! How come you’re in Sheffield now?’

  ‘It’s a long story, and one that has seen me become a lesser person than I was. I’ve no time to talk of it, though. I work in the bar at the Red Bull, and I’d be giving you a hand with your choosing of your mammy’s present, but Maureen needs this lot, so I’m to be on me way.’

  ‘I’m Will – Will Hadler.’

  ‘I’m not after forgetting your name, as it seems you have done mine.’

  ‘No, I’ve never forgotten you. Well, how you . . .’

  She thought he was about to say, ‘how you looked then’, but before she could think on this he surprised her by taking her hand and shaking it. ‘It’s nice to meet up with you again. And, thanks, but I’ll be reet. I won’t need your help. I’ll probably settle for some of them lavender bags I saw on a stall back there. Ma likes to keep her clothes smelling fresh. Aye, I think they’ll be the very thing.’ He’d looked like he would leave then, but instead he’d stopped and said, ‘I’m no drinking man, but I might find a thirst. If so, I’ll come into the Red Bull and sample your ale.’

  He’d laughed as he’d gone on his way, but she’d not been able to get him out of her mind since. It seemed he’d been thinking the same way, seeing as he had sought her out so soon.

  She scraped some of the froth off the top of the jug of ale she’d pulled for him. As she passed it to him and took the money for it from Derek, Bob said to him, ‘Mind you, drink it slowly now, Will. You’re not used to beer. It’ll take time to get accustomed to it. At first off, one jug can have the effect of ten.’

  ‘Give over, Bob! Size of him, he can take a few, thou knows. Here, put another up for him.’

  Brian Higgins threw a halfpenny onto the bar. Bridie took it and drew a second jug of ale for Will, giving her another chance to catch his eye and give him a smile.

  ‘Well now, Will.’ Bridie saw Will’s shoulder jolt as Brian slapped it. ‘That’s your drinks seen to. Now what’s to be done about your other pressing need, eh?’ He cocked a wink at Will and lowered his tone, but not enough, for what he said could be heard by everyone. ‘I’ll tell you something for nothing, Will: if it’s a dip you’re after, you’ll get it easy with Bridie here. She’ll open up for anyone as buys her a gin.’

  Will’s body straightened. His face drained of colour. Bridie held her breath. Brian was a bare-fist fighter and a prize-winner at that. Some said as there was only Bruiser as could beat him in his day . . .

  Please don’t let Will be after trying to fight him!

  ‘You’ve a dirty mind, Brian Higgins, and a foul mouth. Just because lass serves behind bar don’t give you the right to soil her name. Here, you can have your jug back. I’ll not sup ale as you’ve bought. It’d choke me.’

  Brian reeled backwards under the force of the shove, his gasp audible as the ale he’d just paid for soaked his hair and ran down his face. His eyes blinked away droplets of it.

  Before anyone could react, Will’s body hit the ground hard. The snake-like jab caught him square on his chin.

  ‘Come on, Brian, leave lad alone. That’s enough. It’ll happen be the effect of his first sup of ale. Give over now. We all riled him, having a poke of fun at his expense.’

  ‘Aye, happen you’re right, Alec, but he had it coming. I’m wet through, and it were a waste of good ale at that.’

  ‘Any ale as touches you is wasted, so it is, Brian Higgins. You’re a bastard, so you are. Dilly May herself wouldn’t be letting you have a dip, even if you topped what everyone else has ever paid her!’ This Bridie knew would insult him, as Dilly May was the last resort: only those who couldn’t afford to pay anyone else had it with her. She carried a disease that left men sick for weeks, and the smell of her tainted any room she was in.

  Brian turned towards her, his face white with anger and his mouth open ready to retort, but her own temper knew no bounds. She got in first, saying, ‘Is it a woman as you’ll have a go at next, then? ’Tis brave you are, for someone who has trouble getting it up! Aye, and that’s why you’ve no wee ones. Be Jesus! I’d knock you over meself if I was a man.’

  ‘Now, now, Bridie, let’s have no more of it. Maureen, take lad in back and see to his face. He’s right bloodied. And, Brian, get yourself off home. I’ll stand you a jug next time, for one as was tipped over you, but I want you out of here now! Go on.’

  Brian made no protest at this from Bob, and Will was glad of it – he was sure Bridie would have pitched in again. Shaking his head, he tried to clear the fuzziness in it. Bridie’s red and angry face swam into his vision. By, she were a wild one! Hadn’t she been about to go for him this morning, just cos he’d bumped into her? And the way as she’d spoken just then! He were beginning to think as she wasn’t the girl he’d first met. In those few seconds that he’d held her, all those years ago, he remembered that she’d appeared vulnerable. But then, if he were truthful, he’d heard tell of a lass who worked behind the bar here, without realizing who she was, and what he’d heard hadn’t been good.

  The haze fogged his brain again as he tried to lift himself up. He lay back down and closed his eyes. Bridie wouldn’t leave his thoughts. She filled what clear space his brain had. There was something about her; she had got to him. He tried to make light of what he’d heard about her, thinking: Happen as it were just talk. After all, her job would give her a reputation, without her trying for one.

  Bob came into his view, his voice kindly. ‘Come on, Will, you’re all right. Here, Alec, give us a hand. Lad’s a bit groggy.’

  The two men put an arm under each of his and lifted him.

  ‘Happen you’ll remember your first sup, eh? Come on, and don’t be worrying. Brian only hit you to save face. He’ll forget about it, come morning.’

  Will didn’t answer Alec, but hoped he was right.

  Alec and Bob helped him through to the back parlour and sat him on a chair. He’d no sooner sat down than the landlady started to fuss over him. ‘Will, Will . . . what’s to do with you? I didn’t have you down as a fighting man. What your ma’s going to be thinking, I don’t know.’

  Bridie came in and took over before he had time to answer, though he knew what lay behind the agitation in Maureen’s voice. Folk had a lot of reverence for his ma; her straight talking had earned her that. She’d kept a tight rein on him, when others around had allowed their young ’uns to do as they pleased. Some of the respect she commanded held fear, he knew that. She wasn’t one to be crossed, though he’d stood up to her of late.

  ‘I’ll be seeing to him, Maureen. To be sure it’s my fault as he finds himself in the mess he’s in.’

  ‘All right, Bridie, I’ll leave you to it, but . . . well, Bob’s not going to be right pleased after this.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Maureen. I try not to be giving me tongue its own way, but it wags on its own when the likes of Brian Higgins start, so it does.’

  ‘Well, we’ll see. I’ll talk to Bob after. You get on with bathing that cut on Will’s face, then get yourself back behind bar. We’ve the steel-works lot coming off shift just on last orders, so we’ll need you.’

  ‘I’ll not take long.’

  Will watched Bridie fill a bowl with cold water fro
m the jug on the side of the sink. Her actions were calm. She must have cooled her temper. Her words as she started to bathe his eye made him smile. ‘Holy Mary, Mother of God, I’ll be losing everything on your account, Will Hadler! First me onions, then me job. You’ve brought nothing but trouble to me door. There! It’s not too bad. You’ll probably be having a shiner, but it’ll not be for spoiling your looks. So don’t be worrying.’

  ‘That’s all right then, cos if I keep me looks, happen as you’ll say yes if I ask you out?’

  ‘Are you not for thinking as I might be spoken for?’

  ‘Are you, then? Is there someone?’

  ‘Aye. Bruiser Armitage.’

  This shocked him. Bruiser Armitage! Tackling Brian had been more than he could handle, but Albert Armitage! ‘In that case we’d better forget I asked you.’

  ‘I’m only taking you on. Would you be seeing the likes of little me with Bruiser? What do you take me for?’

  ‘Well, I’ll do me asking, then. How do you fancy taking a walk with me on your night off?’

  She tossed her hair back from where it had fallen over her face. A ray of sunlight beaming through the window licked the auburn curls, like a flame bursting into life. A muscle clenched his stomach. Her eyes held his for a moment, and then she turned to leave the room, looking back as she reached the door. ‘Well, ’tis as me shift ends in half an hour, and I’m not for fancying walking home on me own after all the goings-on. I’d be glad if you would walk with me, Will.’ Before he could answer she added, ‘After the trouble you’ve brought down on me today, it’s the least you can be doing for me.’ He laughed at this. ‘Aye, all right. I’ll do that.’ Bridie felt a pang of guilt. What had possessed her to suggest such a thing, and why had she said she wasn’t Bruiser’s girl? Bruiser did still consider her to be his, although they no longer lived together. His visits were full of the passion they’d kindled since their first meeting, but it was fear that held her to him now. Fear of his brutality, and of his threats to hurt Beth if she didn’t do his bidding.

  Trepidation fluttered in her heart. What if Bruiser was for turning up while she was with Will – because she didn’t have it in her plans to leave him at her door? Will Hadler had touched something in her – something she’d not been for feeling for a long time. And she was for knowing as she needed more of him. This thought made her mind up. ‘After me shift it is, then.’ She gave him a smile just before closing the door.

  Will couldn’t help wondering what it would be like. Like all lads he’d relieved himself, so he knew the feeling that gave – but to actually enter a woman! By, he needed to do that! Maybe when he had, he could move on. Maybe that’s all Bridie was to him: a means of becoming a man. Maybe, but he didn’t think so. Somehow he’d always known that the first time he went with a woman proper, it’d be with the one as was meant for him.

  As they walked past the pit gates and round by the steel works, they talked of nothing in particular. It wasn’t until they turned into Canal Street that the subject on his mind came up. Bridie said, ‘When we get under the bridge you can kiss me, if you be wanting to, Will.’

  ‘Aye, I want to, lass. You won’t mind, then?’

  Taking his hand and using her other one to gather up her skirt, she pulled him the last few yards to the bridge. Once there, she turned to him. He let her take charge – he didn’t want her to think of him as being the same as the others.

  Standing looking up at him, her expression was quizzical. As he held her gaze and knew it to intensify, he had a feeling that his whole self would be sucked into the beauty of her eyes.

  The movement wasn’t a conscious one, and he had no knowledge of whether he’d leaned forward or she had, or if they had swayed together in unison, but now their faces were inches apart and a feeling had taken him like none he’d ever experienced. When her lips brushed his, a shock vibrated through him. The kiss started as a tender pressing together of lips, then deepened, touching all of his senses, bringing them alive as if the inside of him were a ready-laid fire and someone had ignited the kindling.

  Bridie felt the shock of it, and the tenderness of the moment was for overwhelming her. It was an innocent giving, like she’d never been after knowing before. Something special happened to the inside of her. The usual animal-like hunger wasn’t there, but in its place other feelings were awakened. Feelings that were for making her know what it felt like to be cherished, feminine even, and treated as if she was after being the vulnerable one who needed gentle nurturing. But then the heart of her screamed as though it would splinter into shards of agony, each one holding the vile things she had done. She was wishing nothing had gone before this moment. She wanted to transport herself back to the green fields of Ireland, running barefoot and pure in mind and body, to meet this man then, so that the soul of her could match his.

  The arousal of him that she could feel happening she knew wasn’t for being something driven by the need of just any woman. She sensed that it went deeper than that: it was an expression of his feeling for her, and she didn’t feel worthy.

  ‘You’re crying. Eeh, lass, have I taken liberties? I thought . . .’

  ‘No, you haven’t been for taking anything, Will. It was the giving of – I don’t know, I’m not sure I can find the words to express it. It was like . . . like respect. Is that for sounding silly?’

  ‘Naw, lass. I do respect you, and allus will. And I have a feeling for you, Bridie. I think I’m falling in love with you. No, I know I am. Now I’m the one sounding silly, with us only just having met up again. Though sommat hit me that first time, and it weren’t just you barging into me full tilt, either.’

  The smile of her came up from deep within her. ‘Maybe love is what I felt touch me, but I wasn’t for recognizing it. It’s not been in me life for a long time.’

  His arms enclosed her. Pressed against his body, she felt as safe as she had once known herself to be, a long, long time ago. Resting there, she didn’t want ever to move away.

  ‘Is there somewhere private we can go, Bridie? I have a fear as someone will come round the corner any minute and catch us, and I wouldn’t want that.’

  ‘I have a place of me own, and it’s after not being far from here. Come on, me wee love.’ The endearment had come as if she was born saying it, but she hadn’t ever before used it to a man.

  As they ran the last few yards to her room above the corner shop in Canley Street there was joy inside her. But the joy had a bedfellow, because she also held fear – a fear of spoiling something beautiful and delicate, for wasn’t that how it was, this newfound love? Fragile? And she was afraid to the heart of her that she might break it.

  Once they were in her room, a shyness descended. Will helped by saying, ‘I know you’re not for knowing me, Bridie, or anything about me, but I want you to know I’d never hurt you. And neither would I force meself on you, so if you don’t want owt to happen, then it won’t.’

  Oh, God, why were You for keeping this man from me? Isn’t he just what I am needing, and have needed, all of me life?

  ‘I’m for wanting the same as what you want, Will.’ Going once more into his arms and seeking his lips, she allowed herself for once just to let things happen. Although she’d been taken many times to heights she didn’t think could be bettered, she found a place her body had never visited before, and it wasn’t just her physical being that went there: it was the very soul of her.

  Lying in his arms afterwards, with her emotions fragmented into a million pieces, trying to hold onto the remotest parts of her, she sobbed.

  ‘Tell me about it all, Bridie, love. I have a feeling you have a lot to tell. I know as I won’t like a lot of it, but it’s better out of you and laid bare for us both to deal with. What you just gave me . . . I have to hold onto. You have to be a part of me life, as you’re embedded in me. For me not to have you would be like not having me heart. But we have to start on sure ground.’

  ‘Is it safe as I will be? When you are hearing all I ha
ve done, and the vile things done to me, will it not kill what you feel? I am not for bearing that, Will.’

  ‘I promise. I’m not all green. I have heard stuff, but I want the truth of it from the only person who can give it me. I don’t want to set store by tales I might hear. And I meant what I said: I love you, and at this moment I know I want to be with you and take you as me own lass, warts an’ all.’

  ‘I’m not sure if I can tell you all of me doings, Will, cos for the first time since I was a girl I have a shame on me.’

  ‘I reckoned as it wouldn’t be easy for you. And maybe now ain’t the time. How about we do sommat ordinary first, like you making me a sup of tea? I’m reet parched.’

  This made them giggle, as it was so out of context and unexpected. Bridie sought to keep the mood light, saying, ‘That’ll be the ale, so it will. It quenches your thirst, but then leaves you with a bigger one. I’ll not be a mo. I’ll get me clothes on, and then I’ll be after making us a pot.’

  Will looked around the room. Small and holding nearly as much as it could in the way of furniture, it had a screen taking off one corner of it. He could see no stove, or a door that might lead to a kitchen or parlour. ‘Where’s your kitchen, Bridie? And, more importantly, where’s the lav, cos I have another pressing need on me that can’t wait.’

  ‘We share a scullery at the back of the shop. It—’

  ‘We?’

  ‘Aye, there’s four rooms in all and they house seven lasses. ’Tis as I’m the only one who has a room to meself, and that’s because I am for paying me own rent. The others are controlled by their – well, anyway, they are after having their lodgings paid. We all tip up a bit more on top to Joseph, the fellow who owns the flats and the shop below. That covers us for some provisions, and he is after keeping the grate burning in the scullery for us.’ She picked up Will’s trousers and chucked them at him. ‘Come on, if it’s the lav you need, ’tis out the back. Or if it is for being more urgent, sure I have me pot behind the screen. But ’tis as you’ll be after emptying it yourself; that’s one job I’ll not be doing for any man.’