To Catch a Dream

by Mary Wood

  Will’s heart sank. ‘Any man’ – there had been a few then, and in here an’ all . . . The realization that what folk said about Bridie might all be true trickled a doubt into him. Part of him didn’t want to hear her tale. This place where she lived was no more than a whorehouse, and it seemed that she was one of them. But despite it all he had a feeling in him for her, and it wasn’t one as he could easily turn from. No, he’d listen to what she had to tell him, give her a chance to do that at least, and then make his mind up. But a voice inside him told him he’d not a lot of choice in the matter.

  As he took a sip of the tea she’d brought up to him, she said, ‘I’ll be after understanding if you want nothing more to do with me, Will, when ’tis as you have heard me tale. Though I’ll be swearing on the Baby Jesus, me life’s going to be different, if you do. No more – not even Bruiser himself – will be having me from now on.’

  ‘Bruiser?’

  The way he leaned his body away from her held anger, and his face showed his disbelief. The tension in her had her clutching her hands together under her breasts. ‘Aye. I’m sorry to the heart of me, Will, but I’ve not been honest where Bruiser is concerned. ’Tis as I’ve been like a mistress to him, since not long after I first met you that day in Liverpool.’

  Unable to face the look in his eyes, she kept her head down and told him how she and Beth came to be in Sheffield and how, at her most vulnerable – having just lost her mammy, having suffered at the hands of her pappy, having been betrayed by the man she thought she loved and left with nothing – she had fallen for the charms of Bruiser. How he’d seemed like her saviour, and wasn’t for putting her to work like he did Beth. How he’d kept her as his own special girl, so he had. And how it was not for being a long time before she had to prostitute herself, but Bruiser gambled away his home and had to take a room and go back to the steel works. Then wasn’t he for forcing her, with the brutality of his ways, to earn money for him.

  ‘I was for getting out of it when I could, though, Will. ’Twas me getting me job at the pub, so I could give Bruiser extra, as keeps me from not having to do it. I hated it with me heart and soul, Will, but Bruiser would’ve been for killing me if I hadn’t.’

  Will’s silence brought her eyes to his. He glared at her. The battle raging in him was as visible as if he were ranting and beating his chest. It was a relief to her when he finally spoke. ‘Does you care for him?’

  ‘No! I . . . it was nothing but an attraction, like an animal thing, and – well, it was about survival, so it was. Mine and Beth’s. If I let him have me, then he would take care of her. Not in the way I wanted for her, but then Beth had already made her mind up what she was going to do. She had no self-worth, and that is still true today, so it is. I couldn’t stop her doing what she wanted, but I could make sure she was safe, by doing as Bruiser said.’ She waited a moment, trying to read his silence. Desperation flooded her. She had to make him understand. ‘I didn’t think until this day I had the ability to love. I was after thinking as I weren’t like others, and me heart was so sore I couldn’t give it to another, but you’ve taken it from me, Will. And whilst you’re drawing your breath, no other man will be taking his pleasure on me. And I can’t see a time coming when I’ll ever look at another man.’

  ‘Oh, Bridie, it’s a mess. I can’t get me head round it all, and it hurts. It’s ground a pain into me chest. I feel me body weighted down under the burden of it all . . . aye, and the disgust of it. I have feelings for you and, aye, they’re strong an’ all, but at this moment it feels as though you have ripped me heart out, and I’m not sure if I can cope. I don’t know what to do! Me heart won’t let me walk through the door and away from you, but me head says as I should. I know one thing, though: I’d like to meet up with your da. I’m not a fighting man, but me blood is boiling with rage on account of what he did to you. If it were possible, I’d beat him to a pulp. Aye, and Bruiser an’ all.’

  ‘I’m for knowing how you’re feeling. Haven’t I meself wanted to do that very same thing when it settled in me, as me pappy wasn’t worthy of the love me and me mammy gave him? That took a while. It was hard to separate the two men that he was. And the image of his death will live inside me forever, haunting me, waking me in the night with the sweat running from me. Aye, and the bastard that he was, his leaving me with that legacy has meant I took to the gin. I have to be telling you, Will, while it is I am exposing me soul: I am for supping more of it than I should. It is a need in me. And that is why they say I open for the price of it. It’s me only defence, me only way of blotting it all out, and I’m for thinking that one day I’ll be for taking just one too many gins and . . . and that’ll be me peace – the death of me . . . an end.’

  ‘No! Come on, lass. Come on, me little love. That’ll not happen whilst I’m around. I have to think on what has gone afore me as over, and nothing to do with me. Me mind’s made up: you’re me lass now, Bridie, and I’ll stick by you.’

  She moved closer to him. ‘Oh, Will. ’Tis sure that you are as you can take me “warts an’ all”, as you were after saying?’

  ‘Aye, lass, I’m sure. We’ll face them all together. They’ll not break us, if we stand together.’

  ‘We can’t, Will. Oh, I am for knowing we could face the talk, but Bruiser? He’d be for killing us both, and glad to hang for it. If you are for having me, Will, we’ll have to go right away from here. And we’d have to do it without anyone knowing of us, or knowing where we’ve gone. Except Beth, of course; I couldn’t ever lose touch with Beth.’

  ‘Move? But I can’t.’ His face took on many expressions in no more than a few moments as he fell into silence, then he spoke again, telling her of his own burdens. ‘I said as I’d take you, warts an’ all, Bridie. But I am not shackle-free, either . . .’ He told her about his ma and how he couldn’t leave her. ‘If we were just getting married and living in me cottage, then she’d take a couple of rooms above the shop where she works and I could still look out for her. But to go away and not be able to come and see her, and see as she’s alreet – that’s not an option.’

  ‘Could we not take her with us?’

  ‘She’s not an easy person. I don’t reckon as she’ll take to the idea of moving. Look, we could talk until the cows come home of all the possibilities and not come to a conclusion. We have to sleep on it. See if we both think the same tomorrow. I’m on late shift, but I could meet you before, or come round here after. But that would be gone midnight.’

  ‘That’s best, so it is. Bruiser is working the night shift this week and won’t be for catching us out if you come after midnight. Just be taking care when you leave, now, as he could take it into his head to visit me on his way to work. If you see him, look pleased with yourself and say something to him.’

  ‘What can I say? Bridie, how’s it all going to work? What’ll he do if you even tell him he can’t visit any more?’

  ‘I can’t be doing that, Will. When I said I’d not have any more to do with him, I was thinking you would take me away right now. It was a silly promise that I’m not able to keep. Not until as we can get away from here.’

  ‘Oh, Bridie, love.’

  ‘Are you thinking we can’t get through this, Will?’

  ‘We’ll try. As painful as it’s going to be, we’ll try. So what do I say to Bruiser if I meet him?’

  ‘Tell him if he’s looking for a woman, you can recommend Beth. Then he will be thinking ’tis her you have been visiting.’ She could see by Will’s face that what she’d said about the danger they were in had finally dawned on him. She was glad of that, because the danger was real. ‘It’ll be all right. Don’t be worrying. He’ll believe you. He has no reason not to. And it’ll be better he does come to see me, as then he will hear my side of things before he hears it from anyone else. I’ll put it so that he’ll be for thinking you did the right thing to stand up for me, and I did the best thing for you in return, by seeing you got from Beth that as makes you a man.’

&nb
sp; They both laughed at this and it lightened the moment.

  Will didn’t bump into Bruiser when he left, and he hoped with everything that was in him that Bruiser didn’t visit her. Oh, he knew what Bridie said was true – that it would be better if Bruiser heard the tale from her – but he couldn’t bear thinking on what might happen between them, as he knew that would kill him.

  By, I’ve got it bad, and it isn’t just because of what has happened between us today, either. ’Cause truth is, I’ve thought about Bridie a lot over the years.

  Aye, she’d changed, but then she’d only been a young ’un when he’d first seen her. Now she had a raw beauty, tainted by her way of life, but a beauty that tore at him all the same. And if things went well and he took her away from all of this, she might blossom again. Not that it would matter. She was under his skin, and that’s where she would stay . . .

  17

  Andrew

  Breckton, September 1880

  Be faithful unto one

  The last couple of days had held a peace. The funeral three months ago had gone well, and with all the aftermath of solicitors and bank visits behind him, Andrew felt secure in his wealth and in his ability to keep his promise to himself not to visit Lilly. The urge to do so had nearly undone him, but he’d stayed strong and felt proud of himself for resisting. The reward for him lay in not having to avoid Dvina’s gaze when he came home from his many necessary visits to Leeds. He liked, too, how he could visit her bed and enjoy her pleasures whenever he wanted – something he’d been unable to do for a week or so after he’d been with Lilly. Some part of him had been disgusted at the thought of going from between a whore’s legs to between the wonderful fleshy ones of his loving wife, without letting a decent amount of time pass. If Dvina noticed this difference she didn’t say; she just swallowed him into her and bathed him in pleasurable love. She had busied herself sorting out her house and estate, preparing it for sale. In doing so she had coped well with her grief and seemed to have come to terms with her father’s loss. Now they could both relax.

  Three weeks into September, the weather continued to bless them with warm, balmy days. Andrew looked over at Dvina as she lay back in her garden chair, her eyes half-closed. But then, as if sensing his stare, she turned. ‘Are you all right, my love?’

  ‘I am,’ he told her, but wished he could broach the subject that was worrying him. He wasn’t sure if she was eating so much to find comfort, but he’d seen an increase in her portions and it showed in her ever-rounding figure.

  ‘I can see there is something on your mind, dear. What is it?’

  ‘I – well, I am concerned for you. You . . . seem tired.’

  ‘Don’t worry, it’s natural. It’s happened again, my darling. I’m pregnant.’

  ‘What! How?’

  ‘Well, I didn’t expect that question, you goose! I think it happened as soon as I was well from losing the last one. Probably that afternoon: the day we’d had the news about poor Daddy and you came to comfort me.’

  ‘But you had only just stopped your bleed then. Are you sure?’

  ‘Yes. I have consulted Dr Payne, and he is certain. He said it often happens this way. They have noticed that women seem more fertile immediately after a miscarriage. Anyway, he thinks I am almost three months.’

  ‘But that’s wonderful, darling! How do you feel?’

  ‘Very well and very happy. I have a good feeling about this one. I think he is here to stay the course.’

  Reaching over, he clasped her hand. ‘I do hope so, darling. I can’t bear for us to go through another loss, and all the pain it puts you through.’

  ‘It won’t happen, I promise. Let’s just enjoy it day by day, with no worrying. I think I am a lot more relaxed in your love now, so that may help . . . I mean, I have always known you love me, but – well, I didn’t always feel . . . Oh, I don’t know what I want to say. Anyway, it’s not relevant. The thing is, we can start to look forward again, darling, and soon the Season will be on us and I have all those wonderful invitations to look forward to. And maybe we could throw a dinner party ourselves.’

  A silence fell between them. He couldn’t see any sign of anguish in Dvina’s smile, yet he felt certain she referred to more than just the fact that he’d kept her away from his circle of friends. If she had known or suspected that he visited a whore during her previous pregnancies, had that contributed to them coming to an end?

  ‘Darling, don’t look so worried. Everything is going to go well – is going well. And I know nothing will mar our excitement over the coming months.’

  Standing up, he took both of her hands. He helped her up, then pulled her to him and held her close. ‘My clever darling, but please take care of yourself.’ He didn’t know how to suggest that she be careful not to overeat, but he wished he could. It seemed that when anything changed in her life she turned to food, whether it was a sad happening or a joyful one. Perhaps a word with their doctor might help. He’d try and see if there was a solution.

  She stirred in his arms. ‘I will, I promise, but now you are to stop worrying. That won’t help. Dr Payne said I must stay relaxed, take plenty of rest and hope not to have any stress in the coming months. Then all should be fine. And . . . and, well, I want us to carry on as normal, Andrew. I don’t want you to – well, to stop coming to my bed. I am here for you, and I need you as much as you need me.’

  ‘I won’t, not this time. I can’t, anyway. You are such a temptress . . .’ Something in her let go, making her softer in his arms. Stroking her hair, he allowed the thoughts in: there was no denying that she had known of his indiscretions, and the knowing must have given her so much pain. As always, his guilt sat inside him like a heavy meal that he couldn’t digest. He kissed her hair, murmuring, ‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.’

  She didn’t ask what for; she just held him closer.

  After a moment he helped her back to her seat and sought to change the subject, saying, ‘I’m going over to Hensal Grange later. Do you want to come? You can announce our news, and I want to see how things are with Edgar; he isn’t at all well. I feel he is fretting for Jeremy. It is the not knowing that is the worst thing. I mean, we wouldn’t expect to hear from Jeremy for a few months anyway, but it has been a long time since his last letter and there has been no news, except bad news from the War Office about the worsening situation out there.’

  ‘I always think that the longer it is we don’t hear, the better. Surely if anything happens to Jeremy they will inform us as soon as they can? So hold onto that hope, darling; and yes, I will come. It will make a nice change. I won’t ride over, though. I have been warned that straddling the horse as I do may not be good for me, and I would rather give up the pleasure of a mount than ride side-saddle!’

  Her laugh at this helped release some of the tension in him. When he joined in, his laughter was even more enthusiastic than hers, as the image of her bulk sitting side-saddle really tickled him.

  ‘It’s not that funny!’ She hit out at him with her shawl, and then laughed even harder as his step back made him lose his footing and fall onto his rear in a most undignified way. He supposed he deserved her reaction, and acknowledged it as a touché.

  Although Dvina couldn’t ride with him, Andrew had decided he would do so and meet her there, rather than go with her in the carriage. Riding over the hills gave him the stimulation of the wind rushing into his face and the challenge of negotiating the rough terrain.

  As he came to the road where the stream washed a small river of water across it, he saw Isabella walking with her head down. Her whole demeanour told of the sadness that seemed to be her constant companion whenever he came across her. He pulled his horse to a standstill, calling, ‘Good afternoon, Isabella. How are you?’

  ‘I’m as reet as can be expected, given the circumstances, sir.’

  ‘And what are these “circumstances” that are putting you in low spirits?’

  ‘The selling of Hartington House, sir. We none of u
s know if our positions are safe, and with no family to look after at the moment, and the sadness we all feel over our master’s passing, it seems like a cloud has settled over us all. Then there’s me ma . . . and, well, the master’s funeral didn’t help. It sort of brought it back, how we never had a proper one for our loved ones . . . Oh, I ain’t saying as it were anyone’s fault.’

  ‘No, I know what you mean.’ Andrew had been deeply saddened that by the time the men were brought up it was impossible to tell who was who. They had no choice but to allocate a body to each grieving family to bury. ‘But you were all united in your loss. You all felt for each other, as well as for your loved one.’

  ‘I know. It couldn’t be helped, but every time I tend me da’s or Denny’s grave, I wonder if it really is them lying there.’ Her anguish showed in the tear Issy wiped away, but she recovered quickly, adding, ‘Still, no use harkening on about it. There’s other challenges to face, and I must be on me way so I can spend as much time as I can with me ma.’

  ‘I’m sorry for your troubles, Isabella, and if I can lighten them, I will. I will speak to my wife about the unrest amongst the staff at Hartington. Now, your worry over your mother I can understand – we too have our concerns, and have taken on extra help for her, but she insists she wants to carry on working.’

  ‘I know, sir, but I am reet fretting over her and can’t get her out of me mind in the weeks between me visits. Her legs are swollen fit to burst and . . .’

  ‘Look, what if you transferred to us at Tarrington House? You could take your mother’s position and we could retire her. Would that help?’

  ‘It would, sir. Oh, it would! I’m not needed up at Hartington. The second cook can cope well, as there’s only the staff meal to see to at the moment. I know Ma won’t like it, but I’ll persuade her it’s for the best. Anyway, she’ll still have her deliveries, and they keep her busy.’