“Please don’t cry, Sweetheart, please don’t. I love you,” I say brokenly, my own eyes full of tears. When she doesn’t answer, I kneel down by the side of her chair, and reach out to stroke her long red hair. To my dismay she flinches as soon as she feels me touch her.
“Don’t you dare touch me,” she shrieks, her voice shrill. Suddenly she rises, sending her chair tumbling aside. Her fury is back, obviously. Glaring down at me, she abruptly turns icy. She says to me in a voice that’s cold enough to make me shiver, “I want you to make a choice, Jennifer Meier. I want you to choose between me and - that whore.”
That last word of Emilia’s comes out as a snarl, and when I open my mouth to object to her calling Nellie a whore, she cuts me off, before I can even say a word.
“I mean it,” she shouts. “I won’t take you cheating on me any more than I was willing to take it from that absolute shit, Robin.” She smiles at me bitterly, and wipes away her tears with the back of her hand. “I was sure you were a better person than that damn asshole, Jennifer Meier.” She practically spits out my name. “But maybe I was wrong. Maybe you’re exactly the same kind of asshole he is.”
Giving me one last look of cold rage, she strides to the door to my apartment, and slams it shut behind her. I can hear her slam the door to her own apartment, too.
After a few moments, I rise to my feet, sit down on my chair, and pour myself a glass of wine. “Well done, Jenny, now you’re an asshole like Robin,” I mumble to myself. Looking blankly into the flames of the candles, I down the glass of Barolo in eager gulps, before I pour the next glass, trying to ease the pain of my broken heart.
CHAPTER 11 – GAMES WE PLAY
I’d be better off if I were a vampire, I think glumly. I’d never have to face the harsh light of day again. I’m wearing my darkly tinted pilot-style sunglasses to protect my eyes from the glare of the noonday sun, and a couple of aspirin plus some vitamin C tablets are making my headache fade away. These, time, and lots of water are taking care of my hangover, but I steel feel awful. There’s no cure for a broken heart after all.
Since Emilia slammed the door last night I haven’t tried to talk to her, or Nellie, or anyone. I needed time to pull myself together, because after Emilia left my apartment, I totally fell apart. I cried inconsolably while finishing what was left of the first bottle of Barolo, and I opened the second bottle, and finished that, too. While getting drunk I thought of what happened earlier that evening, and blamed myself for ruining what I’d had with Emilia, and for being stupid enough to fall in love with two girls. I’m such a loser. And that’s why I always seem to end up alone.
Later that horrible night I went to bed, and turned out the lights, but I immediately had to get up again and run to the bathroom. I was violently sick, emptying my stomach into the toilet bowl. I felt lost, alone, terribly sick, and my heart hurt. I managed to stagger back to my bed, and fell into an unquiet, but dreamless sleep.
I arrive at ‘The Coldhearts’ place, push the door to the old barn open, and walk down the hallway that leads to our rehearsal room. I open the door, and my three bandmates look up from whatever discussion they’re having. Three sets of eyes stare at me in shock. I must look pretty bad.
“Holy fuck,” Bette says.
I set down my instrument case, and I look up to discover that Nellie’s recovered from her shock, and that she’s rushed over to me.
“Jesus Christ, Jenny,” she whispers. She throws her arms around me, giving me a hug that nearly crushes me.
Ina is right behind her, puts her arms around my waist, and rests her chin on my shoulder. “My God, Jenny, what happened?” She says softly.
“I guess I had a little bit too much red wine last night,” I reply, trying to play it cool, but instead of being a badass rocker chick I start sobbing.
“You told Emilia about Nellie and you, didn’t you, Baby Doll?” Bette says. She’s standing close by, her hands on her hips.
I nod helplessly, and realize that someone’s holding my hand. It’s Ina. They shift their positions so that Bette can put her arms around me, too. The three of them hold me and rock me for a few minutes, and then they lead me over to the long couch at the back of the studio. They sit me down, and while Nellie and Bette sit down on either side of me, Ina kneels on the floor in front of me, and takes my hand again. Nellie’s arm is around my shoulder, pulling me close to her. Her face is paler than I’ve ever seen it before, her dark eyes filled with love and concern. Bette on my right hand side strokes my arm with the back of her hand.
“I fucked it up,” I say in a low voice.
“What exactly happened last night, Baby Doll?” Bette says softly.
Sobbing, I begin to tell my bandmates what happened last night. “I decided that I’d make dinner for Emilia, a romantic dinner for the two of us, with candles and music and everything. Once we’d finished, I told her I was in love with Nellie as much as I loved her, and…” I shake my head. I feel how Nellie’s hand on my shoulder pulls me even closer to her. I notice Ina’s staring at me, a somber expression on her pretty face. Is she remembering her own breakup with Caro?
“She didn’t take the news well at all?” Bette asks.
A sigh escapes me. “No, Emilia was furious.” I shudder, remembering Emilia’s outbreak the night before. “I’ve never seen her like that.”
Ina nods, and sighs, too. Nellie takes my chin in her hand, turning my face to her, and kisses me softly on the lips. Her eyes are full of tears. When our lips part, Bette touches my shoulder gently with her free hand.
“Did Emilia tell you she wanted you to choose between her and Nellie, Baby Doll?”
Turning my head to Bette, I nod. “Yeah, she did. And I told her that I couldn’t, because my love for Nellie is just as strong as my love for her.” I pause, trying to remember just what exactly I said to Emilia after I told everything. “At least I think I did. That’s how I feel, anyway.”
Turning my head back to Nellie, I gaze earnestly into her molten dark chocolate eyes. “I’m not giving you up, Nell. Not ever. I love you too much to ever think of doing that.”
Nellie smiles at me tenderly, and she strokes my cheek, before she kisses me again. “I love you, too, Jenny,” she replies, and I embrace her, and return her kiss. Then I turn back to Bette before I continue my narration of last night’s events.
“Emilia was really furious. She immediately suspected one of you was my lover.”
“Well, we have a certain reputation…” Ina says.
“The worst thing was when I told her it’s Nellie,” I go on. “Emilia began to scream that she thought Nellie was a nice girl, but now she thinks Nellie’s a whore. I’m sorry, Nell,” I say turning to Nellie on my left again.
Nellie shrugs. “I don’t mind, Jenny, she was shocked.”
“I told her that what happened wasn’t Nellie’s fault at all, that it wasn’t about Nellie, it was about me, about my feelings, about who I was…” I continue my story. “And then she told me that I was just like her ex, that dickhead Robin, for having cheated on her.”
That seems to make Bette furious. “Listen to me, Baby Doll. Some guys think with their dicks, and it sounds like that Robin guy is one of them, but you’re nothing like that, Jenny. You think with your heart.”
“That’s what I told you, Jenny, your heart is full of love, your heart wants it,” Nellie chimes in. She kisses my cheek.
“And you know what that makes you?” Bette resumes. “It makes you one of us. You’re truly one of us, Jenny.”
Looking at Nellie, Bette, and Ina makes me realize that all three of them truly love me; each of them in her own special way. This thought makes me happier, and I start to smile at them through my tears. I wipe my tears on my sleeve again, and then I hug Nellie, and then Bette, and finally I get up from the couch, pulling Ina up on her feet so that I can hug her, too. Nellie and Bette get up when I do, and they join Ina and me for another group hug.
“Now,” Bette says to me as we a
ll let one another go. “I think you should let Emilia have a chance to cool off, before you try to talk to her again.”
Ina nods ruefully, while Nellie bites her bottom lip.
“I know it’s hard for you, Baby Doll,” Bette goes on, “but it seems your Emilia’s got a bad fucking temper, and you need to give her time to think about what she’s going to do next.”
I nod, soberly. It sounds like good advice, but I don’t know if I’m going to able to take it. I’m totally not good in standing conflict situations.
“We can’t let you alone tonight, Sweetheart,” Nellie says. “You can have the guest bedroom, if you don’t want to stay in my room,” she adds.
I shake my head. “No, I don’t want to be alone tonight. I’ll sleep in your room, Nell, if that’s okay with you.”
“That sounds much better, Baby Doll,” Bette says with a faint smile on her face. “Now, that’s settled. Do you feel ready to play? We were rehearsing for our unplugged gig, but maybe you’d feel better if we rocked? What do you want, Jenny?”
I rub my eyes with the back of my hand again, clearing my tears. “Yeah, rocking sounds good to me right now.”
“That’s my girl!” Bette says with a grin. “All right then. Let’s all get plugged in.”
We follow Bette’s command, and get ready to play. Bette points at Nellie and says, “Gimme a beat, Nell, like this.” She pounds out a rhythm with the heel of her boots and claps her hands. Nellie smiles and nods, as if she knows exactly what Bette has in mind. While Nellie lays down a beat for us, Bette points at me, flashing me her tigress smile, and says fiercely, “Now tell me, Baby Bitch, who is rock for?”
I suddenly realize which of our songs the beat belongs to, and I grin back and scream, “Rock is for Savages!”
Bette laughs wildly, and shouts into the microphone, “That’s what I fuckin’ want to hear, Baby Bitch.” And with that we launch into a truly savage version of ‘The Coldhearts’ song. Within moments we’re in head-banging mood. And we go on playing just like that until we’re exhausted and covered with sweat. We’re all grinning like maniacs, drunk on adrenaline.
I feel a bit lightheaded as we make our way to the farmhouse, and Nellie takes my arm to steady me. “I’m going to go get some pizza,” Ina says as I collapse onto the soft couch in the living room with Nellie next to me. “I’ll get four different ones and we’ll all share. Is that okay with you, Jenny?”
“Oh sure, Ina. Pizza sounds great,” I reply, suddenly realizing how hungry I am.
I hear Ina’s car start and drive off. Bette comes back from the kitchen with beers for herself and Nellie, and a bottle of soda for me. I open it and drink, while the others open their beers and sip them. When I put my bottle down, Hildegard, the ‘Coldhearts’ cat, appears in my lap and starts purring as I stroke her fur. It’s like even she can sense that I’m in need of comfort. Sitting down in the chair opposite the couch, Bette sets her boots on the table, and gazes at Nellie and I thoughtfully.
Nellie has stuck close to me ever since we left our rehearsal room. Now she sets her beer bottle down on the table, and puts her arm around me. “Sweetheart, once you’ve got some food in your stomach, you’ll feel a lot better,” she tells me. “The village nearby is really tiny, but the local pizzeria is just amazing.”
I listen to her, a bit bemused, but the memory of last night has receded. The presence of the other girls, their love and understanding for me, and playing rock hard – it’s made my pain over what happened with Emilia bearable for now.
“Okay ladies, here comes the pizza,” Ina exclaims, entering the living room with a stack of pizza card-boxes, and setting them on the table. Bette goes and fetches fresh beers for all of us. When I begin eating I realize how absolutely ravenous I am. I haven’t eaten anything since last night. The others chat while I eat silently. At some point, Ina brings up something on her phone, and she shows it to Bette, who glances at it and nearly chokes on her pizza, as she bursts out laughing.
Leaning over the table Ina shows Nellie and me, too: it’s a picture of woman who’s apparently nude, except for two slices of pizza covering her breasts. Nellie smiles at me wryly. “That’s Ina in the picture, Jen.”
“Yeah, Bette took the picture,” Ina says, glancing at Bette, and they both start giggling.
“You want me to stay hungry, huh, Princess?” Bette asks.
Ina laughs uproariously and nods. Apparently the two of them aren’t planning on going right to sleep when they go to bed tonight.
As the evening wears on, I start to feel the effects of my restless night. I actually fall asleep sitting up. Nellie wakes me up by gently touching my shoulder.
“Jenny, sweetheart, let’s get you to bed.”
I look up, startled, and discover that Bette and Ina have already gone.
“Aw, Nellie, I didn’t mean to fall asleep like that,” I mutter.
“Don’t apologize, Jen. I understand.” Nellie kisses my forehead. “Bette and Ina understand, too.” Her smile becomes wry. “They told me so before they went upstairs.”
I yawn. “Yeah, Nell, we’d better go upstairs while I can still walk, shouldn’t we?”
Nellie caresses me with her dark eyes while she helps me up off the sofa. We walk upstairs to her bedroom together, with her arm around my waist. She helps me to get rid of my boots, and pulls my jeans down, while I pull my sweater over my head. I remove my bra, and then I lie down on one side of Nellie’s bed, while she undresses quickly, and joins me in bed. I feel her snuggle up to me, putting her arm around my waist, and pressing her body against my back. I love the feeling of Nellie spooning me. I love smelling her scent, the smell of her perfume, and the smell of her skin.
I sigh happily, feeling a sense of comfort, and within moments I sink into a dreamless sleep. I only wake up once during the night, when Hildegard, the calico cat, jumps onto the bed with us, and lies down, purring at the foot end of the bed.
Waking up the next morning, I discover I’ve changed my position, and that I’m spooning Nellie ’s back. Hildegard’s gone. Nellie begins to stir apparently aware I’m awake. She turns around to face me, a sleepy smile on her pretty face. She looks so cute with her Alice Cullen hairstyle all mussed. I feel better, fully rested, and not sick any more. Suddenly though, I think of Emilia, and my peaceful feeling is gone.
Rolling over to face me Nellie puts her arms around me and kisses me. “Good morning, Sweetheart,” she says, leaning against me. “It’s wonderful to wake up in bed with you.”
“Good morning, Sweetheart. I slept really well, thanks to you.” I sigh and gaze back into her dark molten chocolate eyes. “I feel a lot better this morning, but you know, there’s still something preying on my mind.”
She nods gravely, and begins to stroke my hair. “Yes, I could tell, and I know what it is.”
“You’re sweet, Nellie.” I sigh. “I think I’m a person who’s addicted to harmony. It’s difficult for me to stand conflicts. Maybe it has to do with my parents’ divorce. I don’t know.”
“There’s nothing bad about that, Jen. It’s who you are. It makes you even more adorable.”
Nellie holds me closer and strokes my back. While she does she looks earnestly into my eyes. “Jenny, I love you, and I want you to be happy more than anything else,” she says in a serious tone. “So if you decided to leave me and go back to Emilia…?”
I shake my head firmly. “No, Nellie, I can’t go back to Emilia. Even if I left you, Emilia would never fully trust me again. You know, every time I come here for our rehearsal, or after every gig she’d be scared I was going behind her back. Even if I left ‘The Coldhearts’ I’d be afraid that she’d think I was sleeping with someone else. No, there’s no way of going back to what was before yesterday.”
Nellie nods and kisses me again. “You only want to be loved the way you deserve it. Love doesn’t have limits. Love doesn’t make sense. Your heart is big, Jenny. You love Emilia, and you love me. You’re willing to share the love yo
u have to give between Emilia and me. There’s nothing wrong about that.”
I prop myself up on one elbow. “And right now I love you with all my heart.”
We kiss, and our kissing leads to more kissing, and more kissing leads to touching, and more touching leads to more intimate touching, and so Nellie and I share the love we have to give one another.
+++
I’m hanging out with my bandmates in the living room at their farmhouse until it’s time to be on the way for our gig tonight. I’ve been trying to call Emilia all day over the last few days, but every time I do, my call goes straight to voicemail. I always leave her the same message, pretty much: ‘Hi Emilia, it’s me, Jenny. I hope you’re okay. Please talk to me, Emi. Call me whenever you want. And please, please know that I love you.’
Then finally my cell phone vibrates in my jeans pocket, indicating I’m getting an incoming call. Hoping it’s Emi calling, my pulse starts racing, and my stomach turns over, as I pull the phone from my pocket. However, my best friend Martin’s photo pops up on the screen. I sigh and take the call.
“Hey Martin, what’s up?”
“Hey Blacky, how are you? I miss you,” Martin says cheerily.
“I’m okay, I guess. How are things with you and Maria?” I’m trying to pretend I’m really okay, but I can’t fool my oldest friend.
“What’s up with you, Blacky? You don’t sound okay.”
“Well, a couple of nights ago I had a fight with Emilia, and then I had too much to drink.”
“You’re drinking again?” My friend sounds worried now. He knows I drank way too much a few years ago, and more than once he had to pick me up from out of the gutter. “Oh fuck! Your fight with Emilia must have been really bad to make you start drinking again.”
“It was really bad, Martin. When she left my place, she slammed the door behind her, and I haven’t seen her since.” I sigh again, and continue miserably, “She may have broken up with me, but I don’t know if she did or not, because she won’t answer my phone calls.”
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