“No, that doesn’t sound good at all, Jenny. Where are you now?”
“I’m at ‘The Coldhearts’ place with the band. We’re playing a gig tonight, and we’re hanging out till it’s time for us to leave.”
“I see. Maybe I’ll check on Emilia. I wanted to talk to her anyway.”
“Checking on her would be a good idea, Martin. I’m really worried about her.” I pause, thinking about what my old friend just said. “But why would you want to talk to her?”
“Well, Marlon and I are putting a new band together. You know, we had a talk with Robin about the idea, but he said that he was done with cunt-fronted symphonic metal.”
I have to smile wryly at that. Robin is obviously still a total dickhead.
“But Marlon and I’d want to go on with the kind of music we were playing.” Martin becomes quite enthusiastic as he goes on. “We have a lot of songs already, and we’re planning to write new ones. We’ve already found a new drummer, whose name is Stephen. He’s not quite as good a drummer as Robin was, but he’s nowhere near as much of an asshole either.”
“Well, that sounds great.” I do my best to sound encouraging. “So you wanted to talk to Emilia about joining your new band, then?”
“Yes, exactly, Blacky. We thought she might be interested, since we replaced Robin. But we were hoping you’d be interested, too. Would you like to join us, Jenny?”
The idea startles me, but I don’t have to think about it before I answer. “I’m really happy for you, Martin, and I hope everything works out for you.” I pause to make sure I choose my words carefully. “I can’t speak for Emilia of course, but I can’t join your new band. I’m sorry. There’s now way I’m leaving ‘The Coldhearts’. I love playing with them, and I love writing songs for them. And I’ve gotten really close to my bandmates.”
I glance at them and smile, and they smile back at me. I continue earnestly, “They’re more than a band as far as I’m concerned, Martin. They’re the closest thing to a family that I’ve had in a long time.”
Martin pauses for a moment, evidently thinking about what I’ve just said, before he replies. “Well, I’m glad things with your new band are working so well, Blacky. I think we need to get together and catch up.”
“I’m looking forward to catching up, Martin. Maybe it’s not the best time to talk to Emilia, though. She was really busy with school last time I saw her. But if you get a hold of her, can you call me and let me know if she’s okay?”
I can practically hear Martin smile. “Yes, of course I can do that, Jenny. Maybe the two of us can get together for coffee some time next week?”
“That sounds good, Martin. I’ll call you, okay?”
“Okay, Blacky. I’ll see you.”
“See you, Martin.”
When I end the call, I look up at my bandmates again. Nellie, who’s sitting on the couch next to me, smiles and puts one arm around me. And Bette smiles up at me from the floor, where she’s lying with her head in Ina’s lap.
“I knew you’ve come to think of us as more than just a band, Baby Doll,” she says, “but it’s still nice to hear you say it.”
“Yes, it is, sweetie,” Ina adds, her smile reaching her eyes. “We love you, Jenny. I’m glad you know it, and that you love us, too.”
I smile back, but duck my head, feeling a little embarrassed suddenly. When I look up again, I realize Nellie’s gazing at me thoughtfully.
“It sounds like your friend Martin really wants you back, Jenny.” Nellie apparently doesn’t believe in ignoring the obvious.
I nod at her. “Yeah, Emilia and me, both.”
“But you made it very clear to him that you’re staying with us,” Ina says. She clearly doesn’t believe in ignoring the obvious either.
“Yeah. I really belong to ‘The Coldhearts’ now. Martin and Marlon want to go on playing their Symphonic Metal. Robin wouldn’t join them.” My smile becomes ironic. “He said he doesn’t want to play ‘cunt-fronted-symphonic metal’ anymore, to use his own words.”
The other girls snicker. “He’s sure a motherfucking ray of sunshine,” Bette says, drawing more snickers from the rest of us.
“Yeah,” I sigh. “Apparently, Martin and Marlon found a new drummer, and now they need a singer and a bass player. So Martin asked me, and he’s going to ask Emilia, too.”
“Do you think Emilia’s going to be interested?” Nellie asks, serious again.
“I don’t know, Nell,” I reply just as seriously. “She’s not going to have an awful lot of spare time over the next couple of weeks. She’s got her final exams coming up, and she was still working on her thesis when I last saw her.”
Nellie nods and winces slightly. She knows exactly what Emilia’s dealing with, since she’s a student, too.
“Emilia does loves singing, and her voice is perfect for that kind of music,” I go on.
“Yeah,” Bette says in a husky voice. “Her voice doesn’t sound as dirty or as nasty as my voice does.”
I can’t help giggling. “No, Bette, and that’s why your voice is perfect for the kind of songs I’m going to write.”
All of us laugh, and I realize how thoroughly at home I feel with these three girls. The thought of ever leaving them is just incomprehensible to me.
+++
The afternoon of the next day comes, and I still haven’t heard anything from Emilia. Apparently she’s decided to ignore me. I did just get a text message from Martin saying that he knocked on her door, but even though he could tell she was at home, she didn’t answer.
Martin’s message only adds to the guilty feelings that have been creeping up on me lately. I’m sure Emi must be miserable, and I’m certain that I’m the cause of her misery. That’s something that’s really hard for me to live with.
I spent the night and morning after our last gig at The Coldhearts’ farmhouse, but now I’m starting to feel restless. It doesn’t help that I’m lying in Nellie’s bed with her, either.
Nellie grabs my hand. “Jenny, you’re fretting again. It’s about Emilia, right?”
I sigh deeply and nod.
Nellie goes on, “then I think it’s best that you go back home, and see if you can talk to her.”
The thought startles me, especially since it’s coming from Nellie. I feel guilty about thinking of Emilia when I’m in bed with Nellie
“C’mon, I’ll give you a ride over there, Sweetheart,” she says. Nellie notices I’m hesitant. Grabbing my hands, she sits up, and pulls me up with her. “Listen, Jenny, I know you miss Emilia like crazy, and I know you feel guilty about how things between the two of your are right now.”
Again, I nod glumly. How are Nellie and also Bette able to read my very thoughts?
Nellie strokes my arm gently, while she continues. “I want you to know I love you, and I want you to be happy. And I know you’re not going to be happy unless you deal with the situation with Emilia.” She puts one arm around me, and squeezes my hand with her free hand.
“Don’t worry about me, Sweetie. The fact that you still love Emilia doesn’t hurt me one bit.” She leans toward me, and her voice sounds very serious. “I just want you to be happy. I hope things with you and Emilia will work out.” She kisses me tenderly, and strokes my cheek. “And I want you to know that whatever happens, I’ll be here for you.”
Her words make my eyes brim with tears. “I can’t believe how wonderful you are, Nellie.” I reach up and wipe at my tears with the sleeve of my sweatshirt. “You know, sometimes I think you can read my mind.”
She smiles enigmatically. “Maybe I can, Jenny?” She pulls me out of bed, and helps me get ready to go. Before leaving the farmhouse we kiss affectionately.
When we arrive in front of the apartment building where Emilia and I live, Nellie stops her car, pulls the brake, and stops the motor. She turns to look at me with her dark molten chocolate eyes.
“Are you okay, Jenny?”
“Yes, I’m okay, at least as far as I can be, considering h
ow things are.”
“I’m going to wait here, Sweetheart.”
I start shaking me head, and say “No!” as emphatically as I can, but Nellie only smiles at me sweetly. “If things go all right, you can text me and tell me. And if things don’t go all right…well, in that case I can give you a ride back to the farmhouse.”
I nod reluctantly, kiss her, and get out of her car.
I dump my duffle bag on the floor of my apartment. I take a deep breath, and leaving my own door ajar, I knock on the door to Emilia’s apartment just next door. She doesn’t answer, but I’m not giving up.
“Emilia! It’s me, Jenny! Please open the door. We have to talk, and I’m not leaving here until we do talk.”
No reaction. I just keep knocking, and I keep ringing her doorbell. Finally, I can hear the soft sounds of bare feet approaching the door. Evidently, she’s at home. After a few long moments she opens the door a crack and looks at me. She looks pale, unusually pale, and her eyelids look swollen as if she’s been crying. Her beautiful long red hair is disheveled, and it looks as though she hasn’t washed it in days. My heart sinks. I was right. She is miserable.
“What do you want from me, Jennifer Meier?” Emilia says bitterly without even saying ‘hi’. Her mouth is a thin red line. This is not really a promising beginning.
“We need to talk, Emilia.”
“There’s nothing for us to talk about, unless you’ve decided to leave your girlfriend, and come back to me, Jennifer Meier.” She glares at me. “Have you?”
My stomach is revolving and my heart hurts, but I’m not going to lie to her. “I’m sorry for causing you so much pain, Emilia, I really am.” I struggle to keep from trembling. “And I really do still love you,” I add, feeling desperate.
Emilia shakes her head and smiles sarcastically. “So, that’s all you have to say, then?”
Emilia doesn’t wait for my response. Reaching in the pocket of her jeans, she pulls out a key. I recognize it at once by the black charm keychain. It’s the key to my apartment that I gave her months ago. My eyes widen as I stare at it, and I know what she’s going to say next.
“Here’s your key. I have no use for it anymore, Jennifer Meier.” Emilia says my name as if it’s a curse. I wince. “I’d appreciate it if you could return my key, too. Just leave it in the letterbox.”
Without saying anything more than that, she turns around, and slams the door in my face. I lean against her door, and cry heartbrokenly.
I don’t know how long I’ve been standing there, crying, until I finally pull myself together. I go back to my apartment, pack a few things into my duffle bag, and leave my apartment. I text Nellie that I’m going to need a ride back to ‘The Coldhearts’ farmhouse. Before I leave, I take a long look at the door to Emilia’s apartment, unsure if I’ll go through that door ever again.
+++
When I walk up to the coffee bar downtown, where Martin and I arranged to meet, I see him waiting for me outside. He beams at me, and waves, and once I get close enough he throws his arms around me, giving me one of his crushing bear hugs.
“Hi Martin, it’s great to see you,” I smile at my oldest friend. He looks good with his disorderly mop of blonde hair and his bright blue eyes. He looks happy, and I’m happy for him. He’s wearing jeans, a sweater, and a new soft shell jacket. He looks into my eyes for a long moment before letting me go, and he becomes serious.
“Let’s go inside,” he says, as he opens the door to the bistro for me.
We sit down at one of the free bistro tables in the corner right by the window, and a waitress immediately comes over to take our orders. She’s a girl about my own age with red strands in her blonde hair, and piercings in her eyebrow and her nose. I suspect her of having piercings in other places that can’t be seen as well. She flashes a bright smile, and I order a cappuccino, while Martin goes for his usual Latte Macchiato.
Not really eager to start talking about myself, I start by saying, “So Martin, tell me more about your new band.”
His face lights up. “Actually, I have some good news about that, Blacky. Except for a bass player our lineup is complete.” He smiles at me expectantly.
I immediately know who his new band’s singer must be, and my stomach is in knots. I take a sip from my cappuccino, and do my best to keep my voice from sounding shaky when I say, “So…you have a singer, then, Martin?”
“Yes, we have a singer. Well, you know her – it’s Emilia. She agreed to join us,” Martin answers happily.
I can’t help it, hearing the news makes my chin drop. I take another sip of coffee, before I answer. “Really? Emilia said yes?”
“Yes, she did. I couldn’t get her to answer her phone for the longest time, but you know how persistent I can be.” Martin takes a big sip of his latte, before he goes on, a grin on his face. “After I called her about a hundred times she finally picked up. I told her I was putting a new band together, and that I wanted her to be our lead singer. And she agreed. Our first rehearsal is next Friday.” My old friend beams at me.
I do my best to look happy for him. “That’s great, Martin,” I say, taking another sip of my cappuccino, and trying to gather my thoughts. My mind is racing. Emilia agreed to join Martin’s new band. I remember her words when we left our old band’s rehearsal room. ‘I know where my place is.’ I understand the implications of that. Emi’s decided her place isn’t with me any longer.
“Well, she already knows the old songs, that’ll be much easier than it would be with an entirely new singer, I suppose,” I say politely.
Martin doesn’t seem to mind I’m pointing out the obvious. He nods vigorously, and takes a swig of his latte. He lifts his eyebrows, and gives me a searching look. “You want to join us, too, Blacky? You know our old songs, too, and you’ve got a better musician playing in ‘The Coldhearts’. You’d be awesome.” He winks.
I manage a small smile even though my stomach is turning over and over. “You really are persistent, aren’t you, Martin?” I regard my old friend fondly. “But you already know my answer to your question, don’t you?” I shake my head and smile wryly. “It hasn’t changed.”
Martin shrugs and takes another sip of his latte. “I expected that, but still I had to try.” He becomes serious again. “What exactly happened between Emilia and you, anyway?”
“What did she tell you happened, Martin?” I ask him instead of an answer.
Martin sighs. “She told me you broke up with her, but didn’t tell me why.”
I bury my face in my hands. I wasn’t expecting that. “I broke up with her? That’s what she said? That’s not true, I didn’t break up with Emilia. I still love her, and I still want to be with her.”
Martin looks at me in utter confusion. “If you didn’t break up with her, and still love her and want to be with her – what’s your problem, Jenny?”
I finish my coffee, and bite my lip. “I don’t really know how to explain that, Martin. I’m not even sure I’m in a position to explain it now, anyway.” Suddenly I feel a strong wish to order a drink.
Martin seems to feel just how miserable I am, because he gives me a concerned look. “What did you do this time, Jenny? I know you well enough to know there’s something going on in that pretty head of yours that’s tormenting you.”
I let out my breath and blurt out, “I think I need a drink.”
Martin’s looks even more worried, as he reaches across the table and squeezes my hand. “Please Jenny, don’t do that. Please don’t start drinking again.”
It feels good to have a friend like Martin. I give him a lopsided smile, and call the waitress over to order another cappuccino.
“Thank you for being such a good friend, Martin,” I say, looking into my friend’s worried eyes. “But I’m afraid the trouble isn’t what’s in my head, it’s what’s in my heart.”
“What do you mean by that, Jenny? I don’t understand you at all.”
And then I blurt out. “The thing is I’m in lov
e with two girls at the same time. I’m still in love with Emilia, but I’m in love with Nellie, too! And I want to be with them both.”
Martin shakes his head in disbelief, but he doesn’t let go of my hand. “That doesn’t make any sense, Jenny. How can you be in love with two girls at the same time? You just said you still loved Emilia. And who the fuck is Nellie, anyway?”
The waitress comes back with my cappuccino, and Martin let’s go of my hand. The waitress looks at me attentively, and I could swear she’s gay. Martin and I fall silent till she leaves with a small smile on her lips.
“I still do love Emilia,” I insist. I bite my bottom lip and start wishing I had a drink again. “And Nellie’s ‘The Coldhearts’ drummer. She’s sweet, and she’s smart, and she loves me too.”
“Oh I see. She’s that dark-haired girl who looks like Alice Cullen, right?”
I nod. “Yes, that’s Nellie.”
“And you think you’re in love with her?” Martin obviously can’t believe what I just told him.
“No, Martin, I know I’m in love with her,” I patiently reply.
He still finds the idea mind-boggling. “Are you sure you’re not just - lusting after her?”
“I’m sure, Martin. She means so much more to me than just sex.”
His face still looks like one huge question mark. “And you’re willing to give up Emilia for her?”
“No, Martin, I’m not willing to give Emilia up. That’s exactly the point. I love them both, and I want to be with them both.”
Finally it dawns on Martin what I’m aiming at. He shakes his head. “Jenny, I always thought you were a little crazy, but this is beyond anything I could have imagined.” He finishes his latte in one swig, looking as if he needed a drink now. “This is really crazy.”
I look back at him glumly. Even my best friend can’t understand me. I wish I could start drinking and keep drinking till I pass out. Fighting against my misery and despair, I reach across the table, take my friend’s hand, and look deeply into his eyes.
Jennifer's Triad Page 19