Red Green's Beginner's Guide to Women

by Red Green

  The downside is that the passenger now had no constructive role in the driving experience. And yet they were there. Sitting right up in the front seat where they would have full access to the knobs that work the heater and the radio. And worst of all, they had time to talk to you and you were trapped behind the wheel and couldn’t get away. It ended a lot of marriages.

  Whenever I see a car that’s run head-on into a bridge abutment or over a cliff, if there’s a couple in the front seat I always question that it was an accident. And this is not a sexist opinion. It’s the same situation when the wife is driving. The husband is nothing but a nuisance sitting there in the passenger seat, whistling or cleaning his toenails. And if the passenger is a nervous traveller, it’s even worse—squeezing all the padding out of the armrest or stomping his or her foot down through the floorboards to indicate that the driver should maybe ease off on the throttle a tad.

  So if you want your marriage to last and your travel to be pleasant, I suggest you do a major renovation on the passenger area in your car. When you have a newborn baby in a car seat, the manufacturers tell you to make sure the seat faces the rear of the car, as that will give the baby the most protection in an accident. So that’s the first step. Remove the passenger seat, rotate it 180 degrees and reinstall it facing the rear window.

  This simple move is a godsend for every driver. Instantly, the passenger is no longer aware of other traffic, so they can’t give advice or criticism. Plus, they are facing away from all the dashboard controls that are rightfully your domain as the driver. It also makes conversation with the driver very difficult, but I’ve always found a talking driver is a dangerous driver. Particularly if they say something that may cause the passenger to throw a double cheeseburger at them and the dill pickle goes up one nostril.

  Much safer to have your wife facing backwards, where she can talk face to face with the kids and you can just stay out of it. Also safer because she can keep an eye on the kids and throw the cheeseburger at them if necessary.

  If you’re lucky enough not to have kids, the whole back seat becomes her hobby centre/craft corner. Pick up a few of those miniature modular closets they sell in those Swedish stores that use the bearded guy in their ads, and you’ll get so much storage space in the back seat, your wife will be making rural scene quilts and animal-shaped tea cozies well into the next millennium. She may suggest you install a vanity back there so she can do her hair and touch up her makeup and whatnot, but be very careful. A vanity always involves a mirror and that will allow her to see what you’re up to, which defeats the whole purpose of the reconfiguration.

  And if you’re really handy, you can add pulleys and cables that will mechanize the whole setup so the cupboards all fold away into the trunk area when it’s her turn to drive.

  They’ll be replaced with a modular flat-screen/DVD player that flips up on the window shelf, a cooler/hassock with vibrating foot massager in the lid and a 12-volt popcorn maker set at an angle that allows the popcorn to arc right into your mouth. (Unplug the machine if you’re drowsy or if you have an enlarged nostril from the dill pickle incident.)

  I realize every couple is different, and some can actually drive together in a normal front seat for upwards of fifteen minutes before having an altercation of some kind. But why take the chance? By investing a few dollars and a little time, you can make these simple changes and ensure that your marriage will last longer than the car payments.

  SPARE THE ROD, SPARE THE DAD

  So to recap—kids need a firm but gentle hand from both parents.

  There’s always going to be a more lenient parent, though, and I recommend that you, as the father, should be the strict one. Children soon figure out which parent they have the best chance with, and if it’s not you, your wife will be dealing with all the issues all the time while you’ll be left alone on the couch to watch the game.

  Your child may not like you as much as he or she likes Mom, but come the teenage years and the need for money, you’ll get a lot more popular.

  But be careful when you set the standard for how strict a parent you’re going to be. Discipline should never be a hurtful thing. It should be used to guide the child into making decisions that will lead to a happier life. The only discomfort a child should feel is the temporary suspension of freedom as a reminder about cause and effect.

  Yes, you understand that he/she was playing a video game and kept getting killed by cyborgs and that was getting frustrating, but throwing his/her favourite snack bowl at the flat-screen TV was not appropriate, and as a result he/she will be having a timeout until early next year.

  But the biggest danger in you being a strong disciplinarian is that it sets a precedent for everyone in the family, including you. You’re saying that if the child does something that’s thoughtless or dangerous or hurtful, he/she needs to be punished so as to learn not to do those things anymore. Your wife will accept that. She’ll even like it. She’ll even like it so much that she will put you under the same scrutiny. And she has ways of punishing you that are much more effective than anything you can do to your child.

  So once in a while you need to show some leniency. Let the kid off the hook. Call it a brain cramp, laugh it off, give a pat on the head and say, “Don’t do it again.”

  But make sure your wife sees you do it, because you may be looking for that same treatment at some point in the future and it will be good to have a precedent.

  TROUBLE AT SCHOOL

  Because your son is not adopted or being raised by other parents, it’s only a matter of time until you’re going to get called into a meeting with his teacher. Your first reaction will be anger and disappointment with your son. Your wife will be embarrassed and guilty that the two of you have failed as parents.

  It’s your job to ignore those natural responses and instead come up with a plan that will convince the teacher it’s his fault. That starts with the shock in your voice when the school calls you to set up the meeting. (See the section on faking surprise, elsewhere in this book.)

  Prior to the meeting, you need to devise a plan that will lead the school to believe your son has great potential and that they are somehow dropping the ball. You and your wife need to work on this together.

  You also need to look your best when going to the interview. Ask your wife to buy herself a nice new conservative outfit and to get her hair done. If you have hair, get it done too. It will probably go better if only one of you speaks during the interview, so decide which one that will be. Your wife is more liable to tell the truth, so I suggest you do the talking.

  Ask your wife to give you examples of whenever your son has done something smart or kind. She may need a few days’ warning. While you’re waiting, you can call the parents of one of the good students and ask them where the school is. When it’s time for the meeting, get to the school a half hour early so you can park far enough away that they can’t see your vehicle.

  Take a hip flask of bourbon so you can have a couple of bracers before going in. You and your wife need to walk into the school with your heads held high, implying the subtle message that something is not right with this establishment and you’re going to get to the bottom of it.

  Step up to the secretary’s desk and tell her which teacher you’re there to see. Hopefully, his name is still written on your hand from when you took the phone message. Use his name with respect throughout the interview. If it’s Gibson, call him Mr. Gibson. Resist the temptation to start calling him Ace or Huckleberry.

  Once the introductions are done and you all sit down for the meeting, you need to verify that Mr. Gibson has the right kid. Mention your son’s name and show him a picture. If you don’t have a picture, ask the teacher if he has one and identify your son from that. Or you could describe your son and see if that matches the kid Mr. Gibson is referring to. If you haven’t seen your son for a month or more, keep the description more general and add an inch of height.

  Once your son is identified, let the teacher kno
w what a great kid what’s-his-name is and that you and your wife are both baffled by the suggestion of problems at school. Every time Mr. Gibson hints your son may not have the ability or parental structure necessary to succeed in any subject, stonewall him. Tell him that your son comes from a long line of scholars. His great-great-great-grandfather had Galileo as a teacher and Archimedes as a principal.

  If the teacher claims your son never interacts with people, point out that if that’s true, how come every cop in town knows him by name? No matter what Mr. Gibson asks or tells, you stay on course—your son is a good boy and he’s doing great everywhere except school. And then ask the teacher why that is. Put him on the defensive for a change.

  When the interview is over and you’re on your way home, your wife will say nice things to you. Oh sure, she’ll be aware that you came across like a total idiot, but you’ll be a total idiot who defends his wife and his son, and she likes that. Plus, it helps Mr. Gibson understand why the boy is the way he is. Yet another win-win.

  THE FIRST FIGHT

  Dear Diary,

  Not a good day today. Buster Jr. (my wife calls him Douglas ’cause that’s what she named him) got into a fight at school. I was okay with it at first, but then I found out he lost the fight. In my book, that’s called “bullying.” I didn’t know the family but got their address out of the school directory and went to see them. The parents knew that Buster had started the fight so that was a setback. They called for the kid to come out and speak to me. She was a big girl and she looked like she could take care of herself. She looked like she could also take care of a large pizza. I suggested that maybe in the future she should pick on someone her own size, and I may have added “if there is such a person.” All I know is she got upset. The father laughed, but the mother took a swing at me, so I got out of there. Like I say, not a good day, but Buster learned it’s wrong to hit a woman.

  YOU DA MAN

  The day arrives for every father of a boy when his wife says to him, “You need to have a talk with your son.” And not just any talk; the talk. The one about the birds and the bees, which has never been about actual birds and bees.

  Your initial response will be negative. You don’t feel comfortable talking to your thirteen-year-old son about sex. You talk to your guy friends about sex 24/7. Ninety-nine per cent of your joke repertoire is based on sex, and the other one isn’t funny. You even make sexual innuendo–based comments to women, sometimes using the word innuendo. So it’s not that you’re uncomfortable talking about sex. You just don’t want to talk to your son about it.

  You also don’t want to talk to your dad about it, which makes you feel that your son probably shares your reluctance. You hold the male default position that the important lessons in life are learned through experience rather than education. Let the kid just fumble along on his own like you did. If he doesn’t know anything about sex, maybe he’ll avoid it longer.

  You have a million ways to justify your “don’t ask, don’t tell” approach. Unfortunately, they are all overruled by what your wife wants. And when your wife doesn’t get what she wants, neither do you. If you won’t talk about sex with your son, she won’t talk about sex with you.

  So I suggest you look for the good news in her request. First of all, it’s a compliment to you that she thinks you have worthwhile knowledge and expertise in that area. Secondly, it prevents her from talking about the subject with your son, which might inadvertently reveal some inadequacies that will negatively impact your resumé. Lastly, think of how much more uncomfortable you would be talking about the subject with your teenage daughter, and you’ll get a sense of why your wife needs you to do it.

  So in the interest of family harmony and manning up, you need to have that talk. Yes, you’re uncomfortable and you hate this, but it needs to be done, so here are a few tips to help avoid disaster:

  • Don’t try to dodge the bullet. Don’t just hand him a medical book on the human body or a VHS cassette of a military training film on venereal diseases.

  • Don’t use metaphors or euphemisms. Don’t talk about trains going into tunnels or waves pounding the shore or the inner workings of a hydraulic pump.

  • Use the animal kingdom as a reference. Take him to a cattle ranch in the spring. See if he has any questions. See if you have any answers.

  • Be honest. Don’t make jokes. That dog is not towing the other dog.

  • Let him think that having children is the purpose of sex rather than an unfortunate side effect.

  • Don’t let him know how much fun it is. That thing is a tool, not a toy. Don’t say that, either.

  • Stay objective. Don’t refer to things his mother likes.

  • Keep it clinical. If you find yourself getting comfortable and starting to enjoy the subject, stop immediately.

  • Don’t scare him. The idea that his parents do this is frightening enough.

  • Don’t embarrass yourself unnecessarily. Let him start by asking questions. It’s better for you to find out what he knows before he finds out what you don’t know.

  • Let him know that it’s all perfectly natural and when he finds the right girl, it’ll go great. Don’t add that if he finds the wrong girl, it’ll go even better. Let him know you’re there for him, but there are limits on how far you’ll go. Wish him well, give him a condom, but don’t show him how to put it on. I’m sure he already knows.

  • When your wife asks you how the sex talk went, tell her you need to do more research, then head for the bedroom.

  LEVELS OF SURVEILLANCE

  Any of you who have worked for, or been under the scrutiny of, the CIA, the FBI, the tax department or the hall monitor know that there are several levels of surveillance available for different applications. The higher the expected level of criminal activity, the higher the level of scrutiny.

  This can mean more personnel covering a wider area for a longer period, more sophisticated equipment capable of intercepting more accurate information, and a multimedia approach capable of capturing all video, audio and even aromatic components. Naturally, these escalated levels of scrutiny require a much higher financial and political commitment from the management.

  You need to know that your wife is capable of all of these levels of surveillance using nothing more than her own instincts and a few calls to some female friends. You may not believe me, because you’ve been fooled. You’ve been fooled by her into thinking that she really has no idea of or interest in, almost everything you say and do. I’m sorry to tell you that’s just not true.

  You got that impression because when you say things to her, she doesn’t seem to pay much attention. Well, she’s not interested in most of the things you say to her because she knows you’re filtering and editing the information so that she won’t be able to find fault. Perhaps you’ve noticed that your wife always hears everything you mumble under your breath. I’ve heard of cases where the only time a wife listens to her husband is when he’s talking to himself. That’s because women aren’t nearly as interested in what they hear as they are in what they overhear.

  Similarly, if any of us are involved in an accident or altercation of some kind, our wives are supportive but anxious to hear the story from an objective third party—particularly if that third party is a woman. That’s because our wives think we lie. They think that because we do.

  And they understand it. They understand that we don’t want to look stupid or incompetent and that we hate to lose. We spend so much of our mental energy creating stories to make the dumb things we do look smart that we have no mental energy left to stop ourselves from doing more dumb things. It’s the same reason wives pay very little attention to our normal day-to-day activities: so they can be ready to go into high alert when the time comes.

  Our wives get caught between wanting to support our fragile egos and wanting to give us a shake for leaving them to pick up the pieces. That’s why they amp up their level of scrutiny when they sense something unacceptable has just been
said or done. It’s because they’ll be stuck with the consequences. Wives aren’t trying to be critical; they’re in damage-control mode.

  Now, I guess there’s a way to break this cycle, but it involves a man and a woman being more like each other, and where’s the fun in that? Instead, I suggest we just leave things the way they are. You always feel better when you know why a car won’t start, even if you can’t fix it.

  WHY IT TAKES HER SO LONG TO GET READY

  For centuries, men have been puzzled over why it takes their wives so long to get ready to go out for an evening. And the fancier the occasion, the longer it takes. Men often fantasize about how many car engines they could have rebuilt or homes they could have renovated in the time spent waiting for their wives to be ready to go out. Sometimes husbands get snarky. Especially if it’s an event they didn’t particularly want to go to in the first place. They’ve gone out and started the car twice, and now it’s getting ridiculous and they start honking the horn and yelling at the house. That’s because they think their wife is taking so long because she’s incapable of making a decision about what to wear, or she didn’t think ahead, or she has unrealistic expectations about how good she can look, given enough time.

  Only a really stupid husband mentions any of these theories, especially the last one. And sure, she may take longer deciding what dress to wear, which delays other decisions because the earrings and purse and shoes have to match, but that’s not the real reason wives take longer to get ready.