Red Green's Beginner's Guide to Women

by Red Green

Let me try to explain it in terms you’ll understand. You know when you go to that deluxe car wash place in town? Where they have a full range of car wash options? If you’re in a hurry—or cheap—you can just have the exterior wash where you drive away in a car that’s somewhat clean and still wet. At the next level, they’ll add hot wax and towel dry the car. Cleaning the wheels is another upgrade. Once in a while you might even splurge and get the inside of the car cleaned and vacuumed. After that, you get into the stratosphere of car cleaning. They don’t even call it cleaning at that level, they call it “detailing.” It’s expensive, and you have to leave the car with them. Maybe for a full day, maybe longer. If it’s been a while, they may have to remove the seats and pull out all the carpeting. Hey, don’t look at me—you’re the guy who drove down a gravel road drinking a quart of egg nog.

  But here’s my point: when you get ready to go out, you’re having an exterior wash only, whereas your wife is being detailed. You’re not curling your hair and putting on a foundation and lip gloss and eyeliner and mascara and blush and fingernail polish and toenail polish and shaving your legs. You went with the exterior wash—you’re somewhat clean and still wet. She’s on the deluxe plan and it takes time.

  Stop complaining—you’re not the victim here. The better she looks, the better you look. When she comes walking into the room behind you, she’s the showboat, you’re just the tug. So shut off the car, come back into the house and be damned glad that she still tries to look good. It’s not pretty when you both give up.

  THINGS TO THINK ABOUT WHILE WAITING FOR YOUR WIFE

  • When they get married, the woman is thinking that from now on they can go on dates all the time. The man is thinking the exact opposite.

  • It’s difficult for me to anticipate what women are going to do or say because I find they think differently. And more often.

  • As she gets older, your wife may start losing her short-term memory. This will ultimately save your marriage.

  • Women have higher pain thresholds. A man could never survive childbirth or a bikini wax.

  • Wives expect husbands to be good at sex, but they’re not allowed to practice.

  • We’re supposed to be able to find the G-spot. We can’t even find the jar of pickles in the fridge. And we put it in there.

  • Your first exposure to a naked woman is like opening the hood of a hybrid. You don’t see anything there that you recognize.

  • If your wife is going through menopause, don’t buy her a bathing suit and use her to heat the pool.

  WOMANSPEAK

  The English language is complex. The same words have different meanings in different contexts. And it’s further complicated by coded messages that are used by women when talking to men. When women talk to each other, they are clear and obvious. When they talk to the main man in their lives, they are subtle and even obtuse. That’s because they don’t feel they should be saying what they’re saying—rather, you should have figured out the issue and dealt with it all by yourself. We all know that’s not going to happen, so the next best thing is for you to be able to interpret their messages.

  When she says, “Do you know what the date is today?” she means, “You forgot our anniversary.” When she says, “I saw your new receptionist,” she means, “Fire her.” When she says, “You go watch TV with your feet up while I make dinner,” she means, “I dented the car.” On the other hand, when she says, “I’ll be ready in five minutes” or “You do whatever you want” or “I didn’t buy anything,” she’s lying.

  You may find that some of her statements challenge your decoding skills, but her questions are the real booby traps because they require a response from you. “What do you think I should do?” or “How does this outfit look?” or “What were you thinking?” This last question is getting dangerously close to being rhetorical. Rhetorical questions are the toughest because they mean that you’re in big trouble and you don’t know why and she’s not going to help you find out. And most important, she does not want you to answer. Stop yourself from responding no matter how much you want to. When she says, “Are you trying to be funny?” I know you want to say yes, but it’s not worth it. Believe me.

  At the other end of the spectrum we find questions that need immediate and nonconfrontational answer. When she asks, “Do you think I’m an idiot?” don’t wait a few seconds to think it over. Just say no. Or, even better, add, “We can’t both be idiots.” But be ready for an “Are you trying to be funny?”

  My suggestion on dealing with this communication gap is to just give up. There’s no chance you’ll ever be able to understand what your wife means when she says anything. No means maybe, maybe means “I doubt it,” and yes means “probably not.” You’ll never get it. So instead, go behind the words to the intentions. If she likes you, you don’t need to understand her words. You’re not in danger. So be kind and considerate and helpful and surprise her in good ways, and then get ready for the warm comments she sends your way, even though you won’t have a clue what she’s saying.

  THE SHOPPER STOPPER

  Chances are at some point you’re going to face some financial challenges in your relationship. The small blips may involve a few bucks from Mom and Dad or even a cash advance from one of those payday loan places. But despite your best efforts, you may find that you’re having a hard time staying afloat. You’ve maxed out your credit cards and you’re making the minimum payments wherever possible, but at the end of the month there always seems to be a bill or two that has to wait. And if you get hit with a surprise—say, the car blew up or you forgot that this country has income tax—you really get behind the 8-ball.

  The problem, of course, is very simple: you’re spending more than you make. It’s the solution that’s tricky.

  Some people try to go on a budget. They start with their monthly income and then they deduct their regular monthly expenses, and if there’s anything left over, they can blow that. I know that’s mature and logical, but it’s not fun. In fact, it’s annoying.

  If, for example, you and your wife have a joint monthly income of $5,000, but once you deduct your taxes and your rent and your utilities and your groceries and your car payment and your credit cards, you find yourselves left with seventy-nine cents, you’re not going to be happy. When you’re not happy, bad things happen. And when your wife’s not happy, horrible things happen.

  Now, I know financial advisers will tell you to make an adjustment. Increase your income or switch to a cheaper home and car. This is why financial advisers have unhappy marriages. You don’t want to do any of that stuff. Sure, you’d be solvent, but you’d be living in a dump and driving a Yugo.

  So before you start taking drastic steps, here’s a little something you can try. I’m going to suggest that one of you is a shopaholic—someone who buys things not because they need or even want them, but because it’s just fun to buy things. Let’s say that person is your wife, for argument’s sake. (And who doesn’t enjoy a good argument?) You can talk to her about financial shortfalls and budgets and debtor’s prison until you’re blue in the face, but she’s going to find a way to buy things as long as she can get away with it. So not letting her get away with it becomes your primary objective.

  And make no mistake: over the years she’s gotten really good at hiding her purchases. Her own mother taught her well and she’s taken the game up a notch or two. Have you noticed that when she comes home, she doesn’t say where she’s been? And if you ask her, she’ll come up with a legitimate errand—going to the doctor or visiting a friend or whatever—but she will leave out one major detail: SHE ALSO STOPPED IN AT THE MALL.

  You may be concerned when she comes into the house with a shopping bag because it means she bought something. Don’t worry about it. It’s when she comes in with no shopping bag that you’re really in trouble. That means she’s hidden everything in the trunk or under the hood, waiting until you go out before sneaking them into the house. And once the things are in there, she’l
l wait six months or more before wearing any of them, so when you ask her if that’s a new dress, she’ll say no, she’s had it forever.

  She may even bring her friend’s purchases in, saying she’s holding them so the friend’s husband doesn’t know. You need to realize that her friend is probably doing the same thing for her.

  Now, I know you’re thinking, “Okay, I realize my wife is a shopaholic but what do I do about it?” Well, you’ll have to be a man here, which means that, rather than confront her and start a fight that will soon escalate into nuclear proportions, you need to contact her credit card company and lower the spending limit to something you can handle. When her card is refused, she’ll be annoyed and embarrassed, but she can’t even mention it to you because she’s not supposed to be buying anything. And she still gets to spend something and it’s manageable.

  It’s like owning an old boat. As long as the bilge pump is stronger than the leak, you’re fine.

  FINAL ANSWER?

  They’ve always said it’s a woman’s prerogative to change her mind. It’s not only true, it’s also how most men got to learn what the word prerogative means. It’s also why husbands spend so much of their lives rearranging furniture.

  On the surface, it may seem like a pretty simple thing to fix. You probably think the reason women change their minds so often is because they don’t put enough time and effort into the original decision. The inference is that only bad decisions need to be changed and that if you do your homework and take the process seriously, the decisions will be permanent.

  This is a great theory, and like many great theories, it’s incorrect. Women changing their minds is not based on making wrong decisions any more than men not changing their minds is based on making right ones. The reason men don’t change their minds is because they can’t be bothered. They thought about the situation, they looked at all the parameters, they made a decision, it’s done, they’ve moved on. They will continue to carry out that decision until the evidence is overwhelming that it’s just plain not working. It has more to do with laziness than with consistency, determination, reliability or persistence.

  Similarly, a woman’s reluctance to commit to a decision has more to do with her decision-making process than it has to do with flightiness or irresponsibility. It may be as basic as ego. A man has more than enough self-confidence to be able to make a decision and then see it through. He is not filled with self-doubt and feels no pressure to revisit the decision once it’s been made. He sees the world as a relatively static place, where conditions remain the same while he’s moving forward. A woman, on the other hand, sees the world as kinetic—everything is moving.

  The earth spins on its axis while orbiting the sun, every body she knows is in motion, except maybe yours. Even her emotions and physical state are constantly changing. And almost all of these factors affect her decisions.

  To her, if conditions change every day, if not every hour, how can you assume a decision that was made yesterday or last week or last month will still be the best answer? A woman says you can’t. You need to be constantly monitoring all the changing parameters and continually re-evaluating your decisions based on the most current information. It’s not irresponsibility, it’s a relentless scientific quest to do the right thing using up-to-the-minute data.

  I’m not saying it’s right or it’s wrong, because I’m married and I know better. I’m just saying it’s a different process. Don’t even ask your wife for a decision for anything that’s going to happen in the future. Whether it’s a holiday next month or a new car in the fall, no matter what she says, make sure your deposit is refundable. Things could change.

  In fact, don’t even phrase it as a decision; just ask her what she’s thinking now. And keep asking that until the day of the event, which is when her answer will become a decision. And don’t make a big deal out of it. Remember, she is constantly reviewing all of her decisions, even the one that brought the two of you together.

  HOV

  They repainted the stripes on our local highway. And when they did, they created a special lane between the fast lane and the median. They called it the HOV lane. I know it meant only certain cars could use it, so I tried to guess what HOV stood for—Herb’s Old Volvo, Hispanics on Vacation, Husbands on Viagra. Eventually, my wife informed me in a fairly loud voice that it stood for High-Occupancy Vehicles, and if you had two or more people in your car you got to use this new express lane.

  Well, okay, I guess that makes sense, but if you think about it for a few minutes, there’s some flawed reasoning going on here. I understand the environmental impact of carpooling, but I don’t think people drive as well when they have a passenger. They don’t focus as much when they have someone to talk to. And why did they set aside the passing lane for HOVs? You think the fastest guy on the road will be the one who’s talking to his friend about his favourite Jerry Springer episode?

  And what happens when this guy suddenly realizes he needs to get off at the next exit? He cuts across all the other lanes, many of which are—or were—going faster than he is. And I think I was wrong to say “his friend” because most of the time it’s not his friend sitting beside him, it’s his wife. That’s another flaw in the plan. Not one man I know drives faster with his wife in the car.

  And they’ve got big double lines to stop you from switching lanes. They limit your access to get into the HOV lane, which also limits your ability to get out of the HOV lane—like, say, when a guy and his friend are tailgating you and your wife.

  The HOV lane is to get people to travel together by rewarding them with their own path. It’s not working because it’s not enough of a reward. But mainly because it’s too subtle. Men aren’t good with subtle. Just tell us what you want, or even better, what to do, and we’ll take it from there. Don’t ask us to guess because chances are we’ll guess wrong. They don’t really care if we travel together; what they really want is to reduce the number of cars on the road.

  So I say we do that by reducing the number of cars on the road. If the experts can tell us how many people can safely ride on an elevator, they can probably tell us how many cars can safely ride on a highway. Let’s say it’s ten thousand. They should just install an automatic gate at every highway entrance, as well as a counter. Also put a counter at every exit. Then you hook ’em all up to a central computer. As soon as the counters add up to ten thousand, all the gates close until somebody gets off the highway. Eventually, people will start travelling in non-peak times and will even carpool.

  Especially men. We’re not good at seeking reward, but we have a lot of experience avoiding punishment.

  YOU AND THEM

  They have these TV shows where all the players are divided into teams and given tasks, and at the end of every episode somebody gets fired or kicked off the island or announces that they’re gay. The premise is based on making friends initially and then, over time, finding enough things wrong with the other person that you never want to see them again.

  When you put most people in a situation where it comes down to survival, they will promote themselves and throw the other person under the bus. They will usually choose murder over suicide. These shows do a lot of damage by reminding us of that. It’s a weekly message that it’s a dog-eat-dog world out there and you need to be constantly scheming and manipulating to make sure you come out on top.

  That’s not good. Especially if you try to apply those principles to your family life.

  Let’s say, for example, that you are married with two kids. You’d like to purchase something fun. Specifically, an all-terrain amphibious vehicle that happens to be for sale at that store that sells stuff for men who are either single or recently divorced. Sadly, your wife does not share your enthusiasm for applying the family’s limited resources to this particular acquisition.

  In a normal world, you would just let it go and rationalize how you can live without this toy. You might even try to get one of your single or recently divorced friends to buy it. But bec
ause of the influence of these TV shows, you may be tempted to form some kind of alliance with your children for the purpose of overthrowing your wife as chief financial officer of the nest egg.

  If you have two sons, it will be easy. You can sneak them into the garage and show them pictures and demonstration videos. Maybe take them for a drive and casually drop by the dealership, where they can sit in the thing. You can even tell them you don’t need a licence to operate amphibious vehicles, implying they could take turns driving this baby long before their sixteenth birthday. You could make up stories about all the adventures you could have.

  Just make sure that the central and vital component in all of these adventures is the vehicle itself. It won’t be a problem convincing them, because they’re boys—and, even better, they’re your boys. If you have a daughter, it’s trickier. For some inexplicable reason, she, like her mother, will have no natural interest in this thing you feel you can’t live without. So you have to lie to her. Don’t feel bad; she does it to you all the time. From her brother, find out the name of the most popular boy at school. Tell your daughter that this boy was looking at the same amphibious vehicle you were, but his parents couldn’t afford it. Tell her that you told the boy that if you bought it, he’d be welcome to join you any time you went out in it. My guess is your daughter will now be onside. But you have to move quickly before she gets a chance to talk to that boy.

  So now the three of you are ready to present the proposal to Mom. Do it at the dinner table. Let your son take the lead, with his sister in support and you lagging behind like an objective observer. For your wife to say no, she’ll have to disappoint all three of you.

  Now, I know it looks fine when they do it on TV, but in real life there are a few problems with this approach to family decisions. First of all, it won’t work. Just because your wife married you doesn’t mean she’s stupid. Second, it will divide the family in a way that puts you on a different side than your wife. That’s never in your best interest. Even if you succeed in getting the vehicle, the kids will turn against you. Just like on the TV shows, you’ll find out that their vision of using the toy didn’t include you. The boy wants to drive it around on his own and the girl wants to be off in the woods with Lover Boy, not her dad. You’ll be voted off the ATV.