Falling to Pieces

by Michelle Louise

  “What the hell?” I whisper to myself; tossing my bags on the bed I begin searching for my photos.

  My phone vibrates and beeps from the front pocket of my hoodie, distracting me from my hunt. Unlocking the screen, I have a few missed texts, the most recent from my dad.

  Dad: Sorry, I got held up. On my way home now.

  Okay. See you when you get home.

  I text back quickly and scroll through the other messages

  Sam: I hope you make to your dad’s safely. Drive carefully!!

  Sam: Don’t respond if you are driving. Texting and driving is illegal. Not to mention you suck at it. :)

  Sam: Just text me when you make it, please. I am at the hospital with Dad.

  I can’t help but laugh at his messages. It’s funny how even though we have been apart basically since graduation, this last week without him has been torture for me.

  Made it safely. How is it going there?

  Sticking my phone back into my hoodie pocket, I open the dresser drawers, which are completely empty. I know I left clothes here, too. Maybe I have been relocated, but it just seems weird.

  My phone goes off again and I pull it out, smiling at the sight of Sam’s name on the screen.

  Sam: Getting better. They are hoping to release him soon and get him transferred over to rehab.

  That’s good news! Does that mean you will be back soon?

  Sam: That’s the plan. Once I get him settled I am heading back. Miss me?

  What’s there to miss?

  I send the text teasing, because I absolutely do miss him.

  Sam: Guess I will have to remind you when I get home ;)

  I love when Sam sends me a winky-face. I can just imagine him in front of me winking his green eyes and long lashes.

  Maybe you should. That sounds like a fantastic idea!

  Sam: HAHA! I bet it does. I miss you. Doctor walked in. I will call you tonight.

  Miss you too.

  I hear the front door close and toss my phone on the bed before leaving my room and taking off down the stairs. Hopefully, Dad will want to get food or has something here to eat cause I am starved.

  When I get to the base of the stairs in the entryway it’s empty. Turning right, I walk down the hall and into the living room that is also empty. He didn’t go upstairs, where could he be? Maybe his stomach is where mine his, so I turn towards the kitchen. Empty also. I open the refrigerator and pull out a bottle of water, but before I can even get the cap off, her foul voice stops me in my tracks.

  “What are you doing here, in my house?” The sound sends chills down my spine and not in a good way.

  The thought of just ignoring her crosses my mind, but I have played this game before and know she isn’t going away. Setting the bottle on the counter, to refrain myself from chucking it at her head, I turn towards the evil witch.

  “I am here, in my dad’s house,” I emphasize the word, “visiting him. What are you doing here?”

  Positioning her hands on her hips, Lora glares at me, “I live here. You, on the other hand, do not. I suggest you take your things and go to your mothers.”

  “No.”

  “Excuse me?” She asks, tilting her head and narrowing her eye.

  “I’m not leaving. My dad invited me to spend the weekend with him. You aren’t supposed to be here, so you leave.”

  Walking towards me, one calculated step at a time, Lora closes the gap until she is only a couple feet away. “Am I interrupting the sweet daddy-daughter weekend? Darn.”

  I want to slap the condescending attitude right out of her. “Where is your daddy anyways? Did he get too busy for his little girl?”

  “Shut up.” I say, flatly and roll my eyes. I will not feed into her madness. So much for a nice weekend with Dad, I refuse to stay here with this psycho.

  “Ever wonder why work was always more important to him? Why your mother or you were never enough for him to stay home?”

  “Pretty sure I told you to shut your mouth.” It was getting harder to remain calm.

  She takes a step further and I match her step in reverse, backing into the counter. “It’s because all you did was remind him of all his regrets and disappointments.”

  “Shut the fuck up.” I yell, my blood boiling in my veins.

  “Excuse me? You will not speak to me in that tone or nasty language.” Lora steps up, now fully in my space.

  “Fuck you! What are you going to do? Slap me again? Just try it.” I push off from the counter and take a step towards her, quickly invading her bubble and forcing her to back up.

  “I see you’re still a disgusting and vile girl, making your father proud. I’m sure you are still a whore just like your mother. She had to get pregnant to tie down Victor, and you, just always sleeping around. Bouncing from one guy to the next. Nothing but a slut.”

  Clenching my fists tightly, I use every ounce of control I have remaining to keep from hitting this crazy bitch.

  “What the hell is going on?” My dad’s deep voice cuts through the air and causes a calm to settle over me as a panicked expression rises on Lora’s face.

  “Victor, I am glad you’re here. Your daughter was just disrespecting me in our home.”

  I scoff in laughter. “You are so twisted.”

  “See what I mean?” She says, pointing her red nail at me.

  “I heard everything, Lora. How dare you talk to my daughter like that, and you’ve hit her? Get your shit and get out.” I have never seen my dad angry before and right now, he is livid. His face is beat red and the vein on his forehead is about to burst though his thick skin.

  “Victor, you don’t understand…” Lora pleads, wrapping her hands around my dads arm.

  He shrugs her off and steps in front of me in a protective stance. “Get out now! I will inform you when you can come get the rest of your things. We are done.”

  Realizing he wasn’t budging, Lora turned in defeat and made her exit, slamming the door on her way out. A little part of me wants to break out in song.

  Ding-dong, the witch is dead.

  Well, not dead, but definitely gone.

  Dad turns and grasp me by my shoulders, “Are you okay, Cheyenne?”

  “Yeah, she didn’t hurt me or anything. I’ve dealt with worse.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me she hit you? When did it happen?”

  “It was a few years ago. I didn’t tell you, because I thought you were happy and I didn’t want to mess that up for you. After that incident, we pretty much just ignored each other.”

  “Cheyenne, I am so sorry. If I had known, she would have been gone then. Nothing is more important than you, and those things she said were absolutely not true.”

  “I know, Dad.” I reach up and pat his hand, still on my shoulder.

  “Come on, let’s go sit down and talk.” The anger has left his face, but was replaced with a serious demeanor.

  I follow my dad into the living room and sit down next to him on the leather couch. So far, this has turned out to be an eventful visit. Never saw any of this coming.

  “Cheyenne, I want you to know that I have no regrets when it comes to you or your mom and I have never been disappointed in you.”

  “I know Dad.” I reassure him, even though Lora was successful at hitting a few of my insecurities. “What she said about Mom, that wasn’t true. You guys were married for a couple years before me, right?”

  I have no idea why she even said something like that. And to call my mom a whore was just wrong. Everyone knows that woman is a saint.

  Dad pressed his fingers against the bridge of his nose, looking very conflicted. “You’re right. We were married before your mom became pregnant with you.”

  He pauses, but I know there is more to come and it doesn’t seem good. “Why do I feel a but coming?”

  “Your mom was pregnant before you.”

  “Come again?” I reply, barely able to take a breath. How could I not know this?

  “We didn’t get m
arried just because she was pregnant, we just did it sooner than originally planned. I fell in love with Caroline the moment I first saw her smile. She could light up a room without even trying. She was a ray of sunshine compared to the people I was accustomed to in my life and I was instantly drawn to her. But you know the story, we started dating in college and six months later were married. Then you came along two years after that.”

  “So, the baby…didn’t make it?” I ask, silently grieving the sibling I would never know.

  Dad shifts uncomfortably on the couch before lowering his head and massaging his temples. “I haven’t talked about this in a long time. It’s harder than I thought.” He takes a slow breath inhaling deeply. “No, the baby didn’t make it. It was in our first month of marriage that we lost him. We were devastated.”

  Him.

  I would have had a big brother. I sighed deeply, imaging how awesome it would have been to have someone to protect me just like Ben always did for Sawyer.

  “So, you stayed married, even after the miscarriage?”

  This changes everything. If my parent’s got married because Mom was pregnant, maybe that was start of our family’s downfall. My heart clenches at the thought of a little boy who wasn’t here.

  “Of course we did. I loved your mother and I would have married her regardless. She changed my life for the better and showed me unconditional love. She gave me her heart and loved me without wanting anything in return and I loved her with fiber of my existence.”

  “Then what happened? Why did you have an affair?” It came out of my mouth before I could close my lips. I have never mentioned this before and he doesn’t even know that I know.

  His head snaps towards me and looks confused.

  With the gates open, I couldn’t stop now. “If you loved Mom that much, then why break up our family? I don’t get it.” Tears well up in my eyes and threaten to spill over.

  “Shit.” He curses, wringing his hands together causing them to whiten from lack of circulation. “I didn’t have an affair. I could never betray Caroline in that way. She was the love of my life.”

  “What? I don’t understand. If you didn’t do it then why did you tell her you did?”

  I am thoroughly confused now.

  Exhaling a deep breath, he takes a brief moment before explaining. “Your grandfather was getting more and more demanding with work. He had me traveling all the time, wanting to expand the business. Since my childhood, I always knew the legacy of the company would fall into my hands one day and it was carved in my brain that I would need to work hard and build it up to it’s full potential. There were so many nights I spent away from you two, but I kept telling myself that it was for our future. That it would pay off in the future. Then slowly, over time I noticed a change in your mom. She wasn’t smiling as often as before. She was losing her light and it was entirely my fault. I went to my father and told him I wanted to walk away from the business and needed to save my family.”

  “Why didn’t you?” I ask, demanding answers.

  “He told me if I walked away I would lose everything; the business, money, and the entire legacy. I already felt like a failure when it came to my family and I couldn’t let myself fail him too. I never deserved your mom to begin with. She had always been too good for me and I knew that she would never just walk away on her own. There was only way she would leave me for good. I could never have actually done the act, so I just told her I did. I regretted it the second the words left my mouth but there was not turning back. The look on your mother’s face still haunts me to this day. But you both deserved so much better than me, someone who could be there for you all the time and make your mother smile again.”

  Wow, this is so much to take in. Everything I ever believed about my dad is a lie. He never cheated and he loved my mom. A lot. Though I still don’t understand how it wasn’t enough to stay with us.

  “Dad, you’re not Grandfather. You could never be him. We would have saved you from becoming him. I don’t understand why you felt the need to leave us.” I wipe the tears that are rolling down my cheeks.

  “Your mom was losing herself a little bit everyday. With every business trip I would come home to see that more of her happiness was gone. This wasn’t the life for your mom and it’s not the way I wanted you to be raised. I was just too weak to make the right decision.”

  “Do you regret it?” I ask and he takes a minute to ponder my question.

  So many things I just heard my dad say echo my own thoughts towards Sam. Not being good enough for him and never deserving him.

  “Sometimes I find myself questioning ‘what if’. I still love your mother today as much as I did back then. But Bill is good for her. He brought her light back and together they have shown you what a real family should be like. I am forever grateful that he came into your lives.”

  “I don’t really know what to say to all this new information.” I laugh awkwardly. “I love you, Dad.”

  I love you too, baby girl.” he pulls me into a hug and kisses my head. “Since it is now well after lunch, how about we order some pizza for dinner and watch a movie.”

  “Sounds amazing.” We definitely need a quiet night in after this breakthrough.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Dad and I spent most of the weekend just relaxing around the house. It felt so nice to spend time with him without the witch hanging around. Watching the way he stood up for me without hesitation was a surreal moment in our relationship. He was never able to see the evil twisted side that we all had the pleasure to know. Or maybe he just never wanted to believe it was true. Having to face that sudden realization must have been hard on his heart. I made a huge effort not to even mention her name for the duration of the weekend. My dad is a strong man and would never let me know he was hurting, but how do you love someone for so many years only to find out they weren’t who you thought they were.

  On Saturday afternoon, Dad had some work to finish up so I made plans to go visit with Sawyer’s Mom and Dad for lunch. We spent most of the afternoon on the back porch playing catch up. I hadn’t been by in a while and sure did miss them. Martha was working at the store, so I would miss her by an hour or so and thankfully, it was probably better that way. I hadn’t had a chance to speak with Aaron and knew if I saw her I would not be able to keep my mouth shut. I needed to hear his side of the story and let him fill me in on what was going on. I pulled out my phone and set an alarm to call Aaron on the way home and see if we could meet up. I know once I get cruising I would space if my phone didn’t remind me of the task.

  After an hour or so with the Jameson’s, I moseyed down to the lake after saying goodbye to spend a few minutes on the swing. Sawyer always told me how she came here to clear her head and find peace. Maybe it would do me some good as well. I swung back and forth and tried to focus on the sounds of nature.

  With the breeze in my hair I let my mind drift, sifting through all of my memories of being out here. Sam always loved spending time out here with me, Sawyer and Austin. My lips upturn into a smile as I close my eyes. I can almost hear the laughter of the boys as they chased us relentlessly trying to throw us into the lake.

  With my arms straightened, I kick my legs out in front of me and with a dip back, I close my eyes and let the swing take me away. It’s hard to believe the four of us will never be back here together.

  After a few more kicks, I let my feet drag to slow the swing. Too bad Sam wasn’t here, he would push me so my short legs wouldn’t have to do so much work. It always felt effortless as a kid, but now…swinging ain’t easy. As the swing finally comes to a stop, it twists a little to the right and I catch a glimpse of the carving on the tree that Austin made for Sawyer. Being Sam’s best friend, and mine as well, I always felt like he never chose sides and gave an unbiased opinion of Sam and I’s relationship, or lack thereof. If only he were here now. Maybe he would have some insight and help snap me out of this state of confusion.

  Before my head and heart convers
ed, my butt was off the swing and I was headed back towards my car. I need to speak to him and there was only one place I knew to go. The parking lot was empty, and I was officially creeped out. I had never been to a cemetery by myself and was tempted to just turn back around.

  Somehow, my legs kept moving and there I stood in front of him. I crossed my feet and lowered to the ground sitting crisscrossed.

  “Hi Austin.” I sucked in a ragged breath, surprised at how quickly the emotion came over me. Just the sight of his name engraved in the stone caused my heart stop and a lump to form in my throat. “Whoo. This is going to be harder than I thought.”

  I took a moment to compose myself before continuing.

  “Well, buddy, things just aren’t the same without you. Come to think of it, there is a lot less drama.” I sniffled a laugh and pictured him rolling his eyes. “Just kidding. We all know who the drama queen really is. But I swear it’s not my fault, drama simply follows me around. But anyways, Sam is now in Avalon. Yep. He got an internship at State and moved over the summer. It was super weird at first, but now I’m getting used to having him around all the time.”

  I crossed my arms over my chest and thought for a few seconds before speaking again. “Why can’t I love him Austin? Why is this so hard for me? You and Sawyer always made it look so easy, like you had no choice but to love each other. I don’t have that feeling. And if I do, it’s buried deep. I wish I could be like that, fearless to love. Open to let myself feel and risk the hurt. It’s not fair. Why am I damaged? Sam deserves to be loved; yet I don’t want anyone else to be that person. I want to love Sam. I DO love Sam.”

  The tears have been falling down my cheeks and I hadn’t been able to lift my arms to wipe them. I was frozen; staring at a stone, wishing it would talk back. With a quick breeze brushing by, it felt as though someone had wiped my cheek. As if I don’t already feel insane, I instantly thought it was Austin.

  “Thanks buddy. Sorry to come here with all this nonsense. You would probably rather hear me talk about sports or trucks. Well, thanks for listening. I miss you like no other and promise to take care of your girl for the rest of my days. I also promise to try to love just as fearlessly as you. Say hi to Grandma Faye. I love you.” I kiss my fingertips and press them against his name. Lifting myself from the ground, I felt a strange sense of calmness and made my way back to the car.