Driving Layne

by Renea Porter

  I still haven’t found the words to tell Layne how I feel about him. I’m afraid for so many reasons, but I almost lost him and that concept really cuts deep. What if I do lose him one day and I still haven’t told him how I feel? I just have to gain the courage to get the words out, so I don’t regret someday. The future is so unpredictable.

  The weather is finally starting to turn and I’m thankful for the sun. Still, I wish it had turned sooner and fate hadn’t intervened to stop Layne’s accident. Even though he came out of it with nothing more than a few scrapes and a slight concussion, it could have been a lot worse, and I fear for his life everyday knowing that he will likely get back out there and race again.

  “What do you want to do today?” he asks, sneaking up behind me and wrapping his strong arms around my waist. I let out a giggle as his fingers lightly tickle my sides. “I’ve been cooped up long enough. School starts tomorrow, and I need to get out of this place,” he says as he turns my body to face him.

  My heart pitter patters for him. Today might as well be the day that I tell him the truth. . “I don’t know, but I want to go somewhere, just us. How about we do lunch then go from there?” I ask him.

  “Sounds good,” he beams. I watch as he grabs his keys, I slip on my boots and follow him out the door. We ride in silence as I try to prepare myself for what is about to happen. I’m going to confess my feelings for him, and I feel very selfish for doing so. “You’re awfully quite, Babe,” he says, tapping my knee.

  “Just have some things on my mind; school and finals. You should know that Chase and I will probably be studying together for the one class we have. I hope you are going to be okay with that,” I tell him, putting my arm on his head rest.

  “If you say you don’t have feeling for the pretty boy, then I’m good.” He pulls into the infamous diner known for their burgers and fries.

  “You have nothing to worry about,” I say with a grin, ruffling his short hair.

  We grab a booth and a waitress brings us a menu even though we won’t need one. We both order a coke and our usual cheeseburger and fries platter. “So what do you want to do today?” he repeats after we get our meal.

  “Well, before we get into that, I wanted to talk to you about something.”

  “Oh, is this a serious talk; should I be nervous?” he asks with furrowed brows.

  “No, I just wanted to tell you that I feel the same way about you, that you do me,” I say in a rushed tone.

  “Care to elaborate on that?” he asks, flashing his beautiful dimples.

  “Fine. I like you, a lot. And I can’t imagine being with anyone else. I didn’t want to admit it, because I was scared of getting my heart broken if I got too close. And yet you stuck around, even during my stubbornness. I’m not asking to have a relationship or even get married. I don’t want to classify it as anything yet. But I’d like to see where this goes,” I tell him, hoping that my cheeks aren’t bright red.

  “I appreciate you finally admitting your feelings for me, and I’d like to see where this goes as well. I knew I wanted you the first time we met,” he says. “I was thinking we could buy a loaf of bread and go feed the ducks at the lake. Or is that too cheesy?”

  “No, I think it’s perfect, it’s something light, easy and fun. And I’m sure the ducks would appreciate it,” I say sarcastically.

  “For such a small girl you have a smart mouth on you, but a loveable one.” I watch as he pops the last fry in his mouth. “You ready to go?”

  “Ready when you are,” I say, gathering my phone and purse. He grabs the check and pays at the register.

  We stop at a little convenience store on the way to the lake and end up buying two loaves of bread to feed the ducks. The lake is just across the street; we pull into a parking spot and walk to one end where all the ducks are gathered. I reach into the loaf bag and throw some bread at them and they immediately fight over it, causing Layne and I to laugh. Layne decides to throw some way out, causing them to scurry that way.

  “That’s cruel,” I tell him, as I throw more down. The Swans move toward us, and I’m a little apprehensive about throwing anymore for fear they will come out of the water.

  “I’m just trying to make it an even playing field,” he says, throwing more.

  “I’m afraid these swans will come up to land,” I say, backing away farther.

  “We’re almost out of bread, so I say we throw the rest in and hightail it outta here,” he says with a chuckle.

  I nod my head in agreement. We laugh the whole way to the car, and are out of breath by the time we get inside and shut the doors behind us.

  “I wish you would just see yourself the way I do. You’re so carefree. You don’t give a rat’s ass about what other’s think, and you are so beautiful that sometimes it makes it hard for me to breathe,” he says suddenly, looking me in the eye.

  “That’s how you see me? Wow, what does someone say to that?” I ask, astonished at his words.

  He chuckles. “Thank you would be nice.”

  “Thank you,” I say, blushing.

  He leans over and kisses the side of my head. Yeah, I’m definitely falling for this guy. I just wish we didn’t have to go back to classes so soon. I want more time with Layne.

  Chapter Eighteen

  SPRING

  I wake fairly early for class and I throw on a pair of straight leg jeans, my signature off the shoulder top, and wedge shoes. I hoped that Layne was really okay with me staying on campus, because Renee and I needed another girls’ night. We watched sappy chick movies on her laptop and ate popcorn most of the night. She painted my nails, while I played with her hair. I had been cooped up at Layne’s place since before New Year’s, so we needed that girls’ night. However, I do worry about her eating such small amounts of food. It’s just not normal.

  I grab a yogurt and fruit bar from the cafeteria and make it to class on time. I take a seat in my usual spot, and Chase soon follows.

  “Long time, no see,” he says as he sits next to me.

  “Hi. How was the rest of your winter vaca?” I ask.

  “Oh, nothing special. What about you? I heard Layne was in an accident. Everything okay with him?”

  “Yeah, he’s fine now. He basically walked away from it with a few cuts and bruises, and he had a minor concussion. Sorry we haven’t been able to meet up at all since we’ve been back,” I say to him just as the professor starts class.

  “No worries; I understand,” he whispers “We still on for studying later?” He whispers.

  “Absolutely,” I respond quickly.

  *****

  After class, I meet Layne in the cafeteria for lunch. I lean up to kiss him. “Hey Babe.”

  “Hey. How was class?” he asks, sliding his arm across my shoulder.

  “The usual; nothing exciting. Just to remind you, I’m studying with Chase tonight,” I tell him as we are standing in the lunch line.

  “Okay. I gotta get to the garage, anyway, and see what we can do to get me racing again,” he says as we take a seat at a table.

  “Really? Just be careful, okay?” I say, concerned. I know the sport is dangerous, hence another reason why I didn’t want to get involved with him. I would never make him not do it, because I am not that girl. It’s not up to me whether he quits or not, but it doesn’t make me worry any less.

  “I will. I promise,” he kisses my forehead.

  I feel bliss when I am with him. He makes me feel safe. I am falling for him and I’m so scared. I trust him implacably, and yet I can’t tell him my secret. I push the thoughts out of my head. We remain silent while we eat our lunch, only carrying on light conversation.

  After lunch, Layne walks me to my next class, telling me he’ll text me later. The rest of my classes pass fairly quickly and it’s already time to meet Chase to study. I hate tests. They give me bad anxiety. At the library, I scan for Chase and don’t see him yet, so I grab a table toward the back and get my books out to get started.

  �
��Sorry I’m late,” he says, sliding into the seat next to mine.

  “Hey, it’s okay,” I tell him brushing my long bangs to the side.

  “Already starting without me, I see,” he jokes.

  “Please, this is just a jumbled mess.” Kind of like me. “I didn’t see you at lunch today.”

  “I didn’t want to cramp Layne’s style. He reacts badly when I’m around, so I figured I’d steer clear,” he tells me with a smile.

  “I told him he better get used to me and you being friends and that there was nothing going on between us,” I tell him. He offers a nod.

  We study for an hour, before I suggest a break. I walk toward the vending machine to grab a snack, since Chase didn’t bring any. When I come back, Chase has a stricken look on his face. “Chase, what’s wrong? You look like you’ve just seen a ghost.” I ask, sitting back down with a bag of Cheetos.

  “You can’t be her. You can’t be.” His mouth is practically dropped to the floor.

  “Chase, what is it? I can’t be who? You’re scaring me?”

  “I know you, and I know your secret. I know why you push people away. I just can’t believe it’s you. I knew I recognized you when we first met.”

  My heart starts to beat fast and my palms start to sweat. I hope he doesn’t say what I think he is going to say.

  “I worked with my uncle at his restaurant outside of town, and there was a donation canister at our register,” he says, whispering.

  “Don’t say it. Please,” I beg him as the tears start to fall at the realization that my past is right here in front of me. “Don’t you dare say it,” I say in a low tone. If he says it out loud it will be real.

  “You’re sick, aren’t you?” he asks, knowing.

  My stomach drops. I want to run, but my body is frozen in place. I start to shake uncontrollably. I want to scream, but I just stare into his green eyes.

  “My uncle used to have a donation canister for you, to help with your chemo treatments,” he continues, ignoring my requests to shut up. “I remember seeing your picture on it. I would see it every day,” he says with sorrow in his eyes.

  “Don’t you dare show me pity. I’m just your average girl going to college,” I say, blinking away the tears.

  He cups my cheek and runs his thumb over my tears. “I don’t pity you; I just wish you would have confided in me, especially since we were on winter break together. Did the treatments not work?” he asks as he pulls his hand away.

  I only offer him a shake of my head, confirming his suspicions. My voice has apparently disappeared. I swallow hard and take a drink, hoping the lump dissipates.

  “Yes, I’m sick,” I clear my throat, to keep from crying again. This shit just got real. I’ve never said those words out loud. “I’d really appreciate it if you wouldn’t say anything to the others. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I wanted to, but I couldn’t. I wanted to pretend it wasn’t real.”

  He turns to face me, taking my hand into his. “I’m here for you, whatever you need. You already know this, but I’m telling you again so it’s implanted in that stubborn head of yours. I’m here, okay?” He looks into my water filled eyes. “Your secret is safe with me.”

  “Okay,” I answer while shaking my head.

  He lets go of my hand. “Now, do you want to continue studying or have you had enough?”

  “Can we just stay here a little longer?”

  “Sure,” he says giving me a smile. He rakes his hand up and down my back, reassuring me.

  I just need to calm down. My body is in shock and I don’t think I would make it to the dorm before I lost my balance, making a complete fool of myself. We sit in silence, and I feel completely numb to the news that he knows who I am. My small town put a fund together, hoping that the chemo would work, and it did until it came back and I kept fighting it, but now I can’t fight it; I don’t have any fight left in me. I’ve been going through this since my early teens and I’ve just had enough. Enough of the pain, enough of the pity aimed at me, and enough of just the same people knowing me and always asking how I was. Now I am just frustrated thinking about it.

  “I think I’m ready to go back to my dorm,” I tell Chase with a weak smile.

  “Do you want me to walk you?” he offers, tilting his head to the side.

  “No, I need the time alone. Thanks for everything, though. Thanks for being there and not judging me,” I hug him and inhale his scent before letting go.

  “Just remember what I said,” he says, as he waves. We walk in opposite directions. I take my time getting to my dorm, because I need the serenity of peace and quiet with no one around me. I just need to be. I take the long way, enjoying the first of the spring. The weather is turning and flowers will be blooming soon. It’s nice to see the lush green grass after the winter we had, and I’m tired of wearing layers already. Right now, I could use my mom. I find a quiet spot along a tree and call her.

  “Hi, Mom,” I say after she answers.

  “Hi Amber. how’s my gi;, everything okay?” she asks, and I imagine I can see her concerned face through the phone.

  I kick a rock. “I’ve had a rough day and wanted to hear your voice.”

  “What’s wrong? Anything I can help with?”

  “No, I’ll get it sorted out. I just wanted to hear your voice and check in, since it’s been awhile since we last spoke.”

  “Well if you need me, you know where I am,” she reassures me.

  “Okay, tell Dad hi for me, and love you guys.”

  I feel a little better talking to my mom. Sometimes just hearing her voice is all I need. And I didn’t want to worry them, so I didn’t say anything about Chase knowing about me being sick. They have enough on their plate. I stop and grab a coffee at a stand on my way to the dorm, prolonging my time alone. I take in the fresh crisp air and inhale it in until I feel it deep within, exhaling it out slowly.

  I finally make it to the dorm and see I am alone. I wonder if Renee is coming home tonight, or if she is staying with Dylan. Those two are stuck like glue with each other. I sift through my clothes and decide to take a hot shower and lie down. I feel exhausted from the talk with Chase. I feel beat down to the bone. But the walk helped me some. If I were back home, I would have went and spent time with the horses. They help calm me.

  In the shower, I let the hot steam surround me. It engulfs my body and helps relieve the tension in my shoulders. After stepping out of the shower, I put on my pajamas and go to bed.

  In bed, the conversation between Chase and I replays in my head. I wonder if I could have told him sooner, like I wanted to, but I know I couldn’t. It’s the same with Layne. I just can’t tell him. I can’t even tell my best friend. How can I? It’s not something you can just blurt out. The tears come, and I cry myself to sleep.

  *****

  I wake in the middle of night, sweating allover. It feels like a million degrees in here, but it’s been the same temperature in here all day. My stomach rolls and I immediately run to the restroom. I bend down and slam the lid up quickly as my stomach empties once more. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this demon inside me. Why me? My body is starting to fight against me more and more, and I wonder how much longer I can go like this. I’m thankful Renee isn’t home to hear me throwing up. I manage to stand back up and grab a washcloth to dampen and wipe my whole face.

  I take a deep breath and head back to bed. But my mind races to the realization that what happened earlier wasn’t a dream. It’s my reality and it fucking sucks. How dare my life be ripped from me; how dare my future be planned for me already? I should be unsure about my future, and I should be having meaningless sex with men. How dare Layne invoke his feelings for me? How dare I think college was the best option for me, and how dare my parents just let me? This is what the demon inside me does. It’s like having an angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other, and I drift to sleep as they fight each other.

  Chapter Nineteen

  I wake to my phone buzzing. I s
quint through the darkness to see who it is. It’s a text from Layne. He wants to take me out for breakfast. I rush to get ready. I scrub my face until it’s raw, washing away the sickness and willing it all away for good, even though I know it’s futile. I pull on a pair of leggings and a long sweater with short sleeves, and then I slide on my low boots. I hear a knock on the door.

  As I open it, I’m greeted with sexy dimples and all my worries erase. He wraps his arms around my waist and pulls me into him, inhaling the scent of my hair. “I was so used to having you around, I missed you last night.”

  “Speaking of last night, how’d it go at the garage?”

  “Good, we went over some ideas. My uncle has another car stored away that we might try to fix up. Hopefully we can in time for another race, so I don’t lose my spot.” He pulls the car door open for me, and I slide in. “How’d studying go?”

  Being reminded of yesterday puts a damper on my mood. “It went well. Hopefully, it will be enough to pass the final later,” I tell him.

  “I’m sure you will be fine. I’m glad it went well.” He places a hand on my knee. “I like these,” he says about my leggings.

  “Thanks.” I offer him a weak smile, hoping that he doesn’t notice my mood.

  I watch him like a voyeur sometimes. I love watching him be in his element, whether driving a car hello he races, he’s in charge and he cares about his loved ones and friends. It amazes me sometimes. This bad boy is not the bad boy he portrays.

  He catches me looking at him as he pulls into a parking spot at a diner. “What?”

  ”Nothing, I was just admiring you is all.” I offer a wide smile.

  “Well, I hope you’re hungry; you’ll need it for your final later,” he says, smacking me on the ass as we walk inside. The sting causes me to squeal.