by Renea Porter
“What are you doing?” my sister asks.
“Nothing I just like feeling the sun on my face. It feels quite nice, you should try it.” I turn my head back up.
“That Chase seemed like a nice guy. You two an item?” she asks curiously as she sits in a chair on the porch.
I walk over to the other chair on the porch. “No. I mean he had feelings for me but it was always platonic between us. I never wanted him to know about my disease, and I thought he deserved so much more than I could give him. Plus, it didn’t help that I started falling for someone else.” I smile at the thought of Layne.
“Oh, you sneak, you need to fill me in, now,” she demands.
I give her most of the details on Layne, and how over protective he can be. I tell her about when we first met and the first kiss, and how he changed his playboy ways when we started seeing each other, and that he never gave up. And that he didn’t know about my sickness. I tell her how Chase came to know about it.
“Well, you’ve been through a lot. We all have, but you’re home now with your family. At least you got to experience it, though,” she says, shaking her head.
“What made you decide to get clean?” I ask, curiously. I turn in my chair and listen to her every word.
“I knew our parents couldn’t lose both their daughters. Plus, we, you and I, used to be close, and I miss that. I just didn’t know how to handle it. You always got the attention, not that you could help it.” She looks down at her feet. “I guess I may have even been a little jealous.”
“I can understand that. I’m not sure what I would do if the roles were reversed. But I’m glad you’re home and clean.” I walk to her and hug her; I wrap my arms around her and hug her as tight as I can. It’s the little moments like these that you can’t take for granted. “I missed having my sis around.”
“I missed you, too, but I love your face,” she says, squishing my cheeks together, getting me to laugh.
I’m so happy to have my sister back, and I know my parents are glad to have her and that she is clean. Even though I’m glad to be home and to have my sister here, I am missing Layne and Renee a lot. I wish I could have at least said goodbye. But part of me figures Layne just might get the bright idea to show up here. What would I do then?
“What are you two doing out there?” Mom yells out the kitchen window.
“We’re just catching up,” Sarah yells back, shaking her head.
“Oh my god, I think I’m gonna be sick.” I cover my mouth and hold my stomach while I rush into the bathroom. I throw the lid up and get sick. Sarah follows me in and rubs my back for me. Once I’m done, I stand up straight, trying to catch my breath, and Sarah grabs a washcloth for me to clean my face. “Thanks,” I say, taking it from her. My mom appears in the doorway, asking if I’m alright.
“She’s okay. I got it,” Sarah motions. Mom has a worried look on her face and I don’t know how to make it better, because I’m only going to get sicker and weaker. “You want to take a shower? Maybe if you are not too bad we can go see a movie or something,” Sarah says. I offer her a nod yes. She walks out of the room and I can’t help but cry, I hate this so much, I just don’t know what to do. The only thing I can do is make the best out of the situation.
I grab a change of clothes and head for the shower. Once inside the shower, I realize tomorrow is my birthday. I’ll be a whole twenty years old. Maybe tomorrow will be a good day, I hope.
Out of the shower, I put some gel in my hair and let it air dry, and then I put on a pair of jeans and a tank top, adding wedge shoes to complete the outfit.
“Are you sure you are okay enough to go out?” Mom asks as she prepares lunch.
“Mom, I wouldn’t go if I didn’t think I could. I promise I will be fine. And Sarah will be with me. Besides we need some sister time.”
“Okay. You might as well have a seat, and I’ll get you girls some lunch before I take some out to your Dad,” she instructs, and we watch as she busies around the kitchen.
Sarah sits across from me and rolls her eyes, causing me to giggle. Mom hands us each a sandwich and a scoop of her famous macaroni salad. After lunch, Sarah drives us to the theater in her Mitsubishi. “You okay?” She looks over at me, and then turns her head back to the road.
“Yes, I ‘m fine. I promise. Seriously, stop asking,” I tell her as she pulls into a parking spot.
We walk a little way down the street and the towns’ people are already throwing their stares my way. I guess they aren’t used to seeing a sick person, or maybe they are afraid they will catch it from me. Stupid people. Sarah just throws a stare back until they look away. This is why I hate this town. Some people just pity me, and some just give dirty looks. It’s annoying. We walk a little faster so we can dodge into the theater before anyone else sees us. We both pay at the ticket counter and grab some popcorn to share. I miss these days. We decide on Casablanca, even though we’ve watched that movie so many times we know it by heart almost.
Chapter Twenty Three
After the movie, we grab a bite to eat and head home for the evening and settle on the couch for the rest of the night. Dad already went to bed, since he wakes up early to work on the ranch. The three of us are on the couch watching The Notebook when we hear a knock at the door.
“Who could that be?” Mom asks, and my stomach twists.
I peek out the curtain and see it’s Layne and Renee; “Don’t answer it,” I beg Mom.
My sister just shrugs her shoulders with a confused look on her face. “Just let me handle it. It’s Layne and Renee; the one I told you about,” I say, looking toward my mom and sister. I take a deep breath, because the shit is about to hit the fan and I don’t want my mom or Sarah witnessing it.
“Angel, open up the door, please,” I hear him say as I step toward the door.
Opening the door, I step outside. “That’s not my name,” I say as Layne’s brows are furrowed and Renee looks like she has been crying.
“I know, but you’re my angel,” he says. Then I remember him seeing my angel wings tattoo on my back. I walk up the stairs to the apartment so we can have some privacy, and they follow behind.
“So what’s the deal?” Layne wastes no time asking once he shuts the door behind him. He crosses his arms over his chest.
I sit on the floor and tuck my legs underneath me. I don’t know why, I just do it. And Renee sits next to me while Layne remains standing. I struggle with the words to tell them. So I just come out with it. “I’m sick,” I whisper, barely getting the words out.
“Define sick,” Layne huffs.
“I have cancer and I’m going to die,” I blurt. I’ve never said that word before, die. And it just about killed me to admit it. Shit just got real.
Renee puts her head in her hands and cries, while Layne slides down the door he was leaning on and balances himself on his feet with his knees bent. Everyone is quiet for a good five minutes.
“This isn’t a joke, right? Because if it is that would be fucked up,” Layne says.
I only shake my head, no, as I try to keep the tears at bay. I’m sitting here breaking their hearts, shattered them into a million pieces, beyond repair. How do I even live with myself?
“How long?” Renee asks, looking up. I can see that her eyes are puffy.
“Probably have the rest of the summer, but it’s hard to tell. The doctor gave me a year and I chose to go to college, so I could feel normal,” I choke. Layne slides the rest of the way down, holding his head with one hand, elbow resting on his knee. I see he is starting to shed tears, which only makes me shed them, too.
In an instant, he comes over to me, bends down, and hugs me from behind and whispers in my ear. “I love you.” He cradles me, wrapping his arm around my shoulder and neck. I don’t know what else to do, so I grip his arm and hold on for dear life. I don’t want him to let go.
“I love you, too,” I whisper back. We’ve never said those words to each other. I do love him; I’ve loved him since that
first night we were together. I just didn’t want to believe it. “I just hope you aren’t saying that because I’m sick,” I say. Renee has fallen asleep from exhaustion from the tears. I wish I could hold her and tell her it will be okay, but I can’t.
“I’m not. I can promise you that. The day Renee introduced us, I knew there was something special about you, and I was a changed man forever,” he says, coming around to face me and takes my hand into his. “Marry me,” he whispers, so he doesn’t wake Renee.
“Absolutely not. I will not be making you a widower at the age of twenty one. You must have lost your damn mind.” I shake my head. “Did you not hear the part about me dying?”
“I heard you, loud and clear. No matter what you say, you own my heart now.” He plays with my fingers. Renee shifts her position and he gets up and carries her to the bed, covering her with the throw blanket. He comes over and sits Indian style in front of me again. “I love you so damn much. I don’t what I’m going to do without you. I don’t want to live in a world without you.” He brings his hand up and cradles my face.
“Let’s not think about that right now.” I kiss the inside of his hand. “Is Dylan coming?” I ask. Renee is going to need all of us. I can’t imagine how she feels, but I know it’s not good.
“He’s coming in a day or so.” He takes my hand again and plays with my finger. “The offer still stands,” he says before he leans up to kiss me. Oh how I missed his lips.
“I’ll keep that in mind.” We press our foreheads together and just look into each other’s eyes for a long time. “You’re staying the night, right?” I whisper.
“The night? I’m staying the whole damn summer! We all are,” he growls.
“I don’t want you to watch me die,” I choke out. It almost hurts too much to say those words.
“Us, you and me, we stick together, in sickness and in health,” he says.
“Those are marriage vows,” I say.
“Yeah, well, we are a family; the four of us. And we stick together,” he repeats.
“Do you think maybe you can hold me tonight?” I ask bashfully, but all I want is to be held, tight with his arms around me.
“Yes. Just let me go change quick,” he says, grabbing his bag to the bathroom.
When he returns, he has on low hung lounge pants and I can see his sexy V. He lies on the couch and motions me to come over. I lay with my back against his chest and he wraps his arms around my middle. This is where I feel the safest, where I belong, with him. Our love might have been doomed from the start, but this is a kind of love that is hard to come by. I can’t believe he asked me to marry him, because I would in a heartbeat. But I would never want to cause someone more pain, and making him a widower. He doesn’t deserve that; no one does. I don’t even deserve the love he has offered me, unconditionally. I wipe a tear that escapes my eyes.
“Love you. Goodnight,” I whisper.
“Love you, too.” He kisses my neck. “Night.”
The room is so quiet you could probably hear a pin drop. I can’t believe Layne and Renee are both here, and they plan on staying the whole summer. Now that is love. I just hope they can afford to miss school; I would never want them to put that off. School is important and it would be a shame if they failed because of me.
*****
The next morning, I wake to the smell of breakfast wafting through the apartment. Apparently, my mom must have snuck in here and laid out a whole spread on the little table. I carefully get up so I don’t disturb Layne, and I walk over and grab a muffin my favorite. Renee and Layne are both still asleep. They must have been exhausted after the trip they took, which was likely non-stop. I slide back onto the couch against him. He shuffles. “Mmm, you smell like blueberries.” he mumbles.
I giggle. “There are muffins over there, if you want one,” I tell him.
“No. Let’s just lie here for a bit longer,” he whispers. He wraps his arm around me, pulling me tighter against him. I never want to leave these arms. I hear commotion and watch as Renee walks over to grab something to eat. I wriggle from Layne’s arms and walk over to her, grabbing another muffin. She and I just look at each other for a long time. Her eyes are puffy and red and I feel horrible.
“Please tell me last night was a horrible nightmare,” she says, picking at her muffin.
“I’m sorry; it wasn’t a nightmare. I’m just sorry,” I repeat. I don’t know what else to say.
“Why are you sorry; it’s not like you can help it?” she says.
“I know. I’m sorry for leaving the way I did, but this was something I didn’t want anyone to know. This is why I was so against a relationship with Layne. I never expected to meet someone who would be like a sister to me, and I certainly didn’t plan on meeting him,” I nod toward Layne, who has fallen back to sleep.
“What can I say? We are an irresistible bunch.” She winks. She comes over and wraps her arms around my neck. “I’m sorry you’re dying,” she whispers.
“Me too.” We both cry she for my impromptu death, and I for her life. What I wouldn’t give to have my life right in front of me with the world at my feet. I would take hold of it and hang on for dear life. I would savor every single moment, good and bad, and learn from the mistakes I’ve made and the ones I will make. And I’d keep those near and dear to me so close that it would be claustrophobic.
“Do you want to meet my family?” I ask, pulling away.
“Yea, that would be nice,” she says, wiping her tears.
“What are you two girls scamming?” Layne sits up.
“I was going to take her downstairs to meet everybody,” I say. I watch as he moves across the room toward us and plops a muffin in his mouth.
“Without me?” he asks.
“Well, get your sleepy butt together and we’ll go down. Then I’ll take you around the property.”
We head downstairs and see a car pulling in the driveway. Upon closer inspection, we see that it’s Dylan, and Renee races over toward him, throwing her arms around his neck. He smiles wide at us. I give a slight wave, and let them have a moment. I lead Layne inside the house. Of course, we find my mom and sister in the kitchen.
I reach for Layne’s hand, and he wraps his fingers with mine. “Mom, Sarah, this is Layne. Layne, this is my mom, Joan, and my sister, Sarah,” I introduce them. I watch my mom pull him into a hug, and then he shakes my sister’s hand.
“Very nice to meet you both,” he says with a nod, while flashing his dimples. “Sorry for just barging in last night.”
“You’re welcome to stay here. We are glad to meet Amber’s friends,” Mom tells him.
“The two love birds out there are Renee and Dylan,” I point outside. “I’m going to show Layne around the property, if that’s okay,” I ask.
“Yes, shoo.” She motions us out of the house with a giggle.
Layne and I walk toward Dylan and Renee, and Dylan gives me a look, like he knows now. “Ah man, Renee just told me. I’m so sorry to hear about that, Amber. You’re part of our little family, and we’ll be here for you.” He shakes his head in disbelief and hugs me, tight.
“I can’t breathe,” I say with a ragged tone.
“Oh, I’m sorry.” He lets go, and we all laugh.
“It’s okay. I’m just glad that I got to know all of you,” I say, looking around at them. “I was just going to show Layne around the property. Did you two want to come along?”
“Would you care if we caught up with you two later?” Renee asks.
“Oh, no that’s fine. Want to meet up in about an hour? I’d like to introduce you to my parents and sister.”
“Sounds good.”
She smiles, and I watch as she tugs Dylan up to the apartment. I know what they are going to do, and I’m glad she has someone to comfort her and make her feel alive. I turn to Layne, realizing that I have someone as well. I only wish I had more as much time with him as Renee does with Dylan.
Chapter Twenty Four
“Alright,
let’s go check this property out,” Layne says, grabbing hold of my hand. I wonder what my parents and sister think of him. I hope they are not put off by his tattoos, because I think they’re hot. However, they were against me getting the angel wings on my back last summer before college, but they warmed up to it, because it was tasteful. Although, I suspect they partially agreed because of my situation as well.
“I want to find my dad first, so I can introduce you to him. Don’t let his stature intimidate you, or his quietness. He’s really just a big ‘ole teddy bear that is protective of his baby,” I say with a smile.
“I can understand that, and thanks for the warning, I think,” he says, raising his eyebrows. Of course, I left the part out about my dad owning a shot gun. I spot my dad across the way near the barn where the horses are, and he spots us right away.
“Hey Dad,” I say, shielding the sun out of my face.
“Hey kiddo,” he bellows. “Who do you have here?” he asks, taking a handkerchief to wipe his hands off.
“This is Layne. Layne, this is my dad, Roger,” I say.
“Nice to meet you, sir.” He shakes my Dad’s hand firmly.
“You too, Layne. Amber how many boyfriends do you have?” He winks, laughing.
“Dad!” I yell, feeling embarrassed.
“I’m kidding. I just wanted to see Layne’s reaction, and it was priceless.” He throws his hands up, continuing to laugh.
“I think he’s in the early stages of Alzheimer’s.” I say shaking my head toward Layne.
My Dad’s face straightens. “That wasn’t funny.”
“Yeah, well you aren’t a very funny guy yourself,” I say before this gets any more awkward. I take Layne’s hand and lead him inside the barn where the horses are. “This is one of my favorite places. And this girl here is Mustang Sally,” I say, rubbing my hand over her face.