by Renea Porter
“I just got you back, and now you’re going to leave me,” she says as the tears well up in her eyes.
“Now, now, no crying, Sis. You did good getting clean when you did. Our parents couldn’t handle another loss. You’ll be fine; I know you will you’re strong.” I pat her other arm.
She kisses the side of my head, and we lie in silence for a long time. Layne peeks in, “Are you okay?”
I nod my head yes, while Sarah nods her head no. He comes in kissing me on the forehead. “Sorry about earlier, with Chase,” he says, shoving his hands in his pockets.
“It’s okay, as long as you try to get along, and don’t fight,” I tell him.
“I won’t, I promise.”
“The doctor is on his way,” Mom says, popping her head in.
“I should get cleaned up,” I say, attempting to get out of bed, only to be pushed back in.
“You are fine. You just need to relax. It’ll be fine,” Sarah says firmly.
Just knowing the doctor is coming gives me heart palpations. I don’t need a doctor to tell me that my body is giving out on me, that my family needs to say their goodbyes and get their things in order. This is a fact we already know. Will he be able to ease their pain, their sorrow, their heartache? Doubtful.
This past year has been a whirlwind, I think as I wait. Who would have thought I’d fall in love, or have two best friends that would do anything I ask them as I would for them? I don’t regret anything I said or did this year. It was my year. Would I change my mind had I known all that? Probably not. I’m tired, my body is tired. This isn’t me giving up, because I don’t give up without a fight. I just can’t keep doing the chemo and the radiation only for the cancer to come back. I was so lost in thought that I didn’t even notice the doctor coming in.
“How are you feeling, kiddo?” he asks, feeling my head.
“Like shit,” I whisper so my mom doesn’t hear me swear.
He laughs. “Well you look it.” He inserts a thermometer in my mouth. Once it’s been in long enough, he takes it out. “Your temps are normal,” he says, doing a full assessment of me. “Your body is starting to shut down. I can give you some meds to alleviate the pain.”
“Okay, thanks for dropping by,” I say with a forced smile. Obviously, he didn’t say anything I didn’t already know. He walks over to my mother and they walk out the room so he can tell her my prognosis.
“You okay?” Sarah asks.
“Yeah,” I say, annoyed.
“Mom means well, by calling the doctor. Plus, you’ll get some meds to help with the pain. Are you in pain?” Sarah asks as she smooth’s my hair.
“Yes. Getting meds is the only good thing, I guess. I know she means well. You guys wanna come in here and watch a movie tonight? I don’t know what else we can do that won’t be god awful boring,” I say.
“I’ll go check with the others,” Sarah says.
Mere moments later, everyone piles into my room. A few are on the bed with me and a few are spread out on the floor with pillows and blankets. Mom peeks in to get Chase to pass some toast and medicine to me.
“No fucking chick flicks,” Layne says jokingly.
“All I have is chick flicks,” I say as he nestles beside me.
“Here, gimme that remote.” He takes the remote and flips to the movie channels. “How about Pearl Harbor with Ben Affleck?”
“Okay fine I can deal with that.” I stifle a giggle, because I do recall a love story is in there somewhere amongst the bombs and such, and Ben Affleck is not bad to look at. Sarah sees me and I flash her a wink, because by the look on her face, she knows what I’m thinking. Once the movie plays, I eat the dry toast and take my medicine with water. It’s supposed to help with the nausea.
*****
It’s been nearly two weeks since the doctor came to visit. He has made me as comfortable as possible. My condition is worsening. They say when times get rough, you know who your friends are; mine still have not left my side.
With the condition I’m in, I know I will leave this earth any day now. Have you ever wondered what it’s like knowing you are going to die? It’s weird, knowing I’ll leave this earth before I even make my mark on it. My parents won’t get to see me graduate college, get married and have babies. I won’t see any more sunrises and feel the sun on my face, or even the moon and stars at night. But that’s the reality of it. Life can’t always be sunshine and rainbows, and who really believes in fairytales anymore these days?
I know Layne is not prepared for me to leave this world, but he needs to be. I need to know he will be okay and that he will move on without me. The world doesn’t stop spinning for anyone. Though, one day soon my world will stop spinning.
Chapter Twenty Eight
I’ve been in bed mostly all day and night now. My parents got one of those hospital beds for me a few weeks ago. Everyone has been taking turns coming in the room to keep me company. I really despise seeing the pity in their eyes, though; I don’t want them feeling sorry for me. This is my destiny; this is what is meant to be.
Renee comes into the room and climbs on the bed next to me. I cradle against her shoulder. “You’re going to be okay, right?” I ask her.
“I honestly don’t know, Amber. I’ve never lost anyone so close to me before. And Dylan sends his love. He doesn’t know how to handle this. He’s in the apartment,” she says with a soft voice.
“It’s okay; I understand. I’m just glad he is here for you. But I need you to tell me the three of you will be okay. You managed before you met me, so I know you will be fine. But I need to hear you say it, and that you’ll look after Layne,” I plead with her.
“Okay, we’ll be fine, and I promise to look after Layne. You are the only girl he has ever loved and losing you is going to kill him. I’m just being honest. Somehow, we’ll get by. Don’t worry about us,” she assures me. “I’m going to go check on Dylan. Do you need anything?”
“No, I’m okay.” She reaches her arms around and hugs me. I feel so small in her arms.
Chase comes into the room and sits on the edge of the bed opposite of me. “What up?” he asks, wiggling my toes, and making me giggle.
“Oh you know, just chillin’. Just another day in the life,” I say, making a gangster sign across my chest.
“For real, though, how are you feeling?” He leans against the foot board of the bed.
“Like I’m slowly drifting away, little by little. This is fucking torture,” I tell him.
“I wish I would have known sooner about you. I can’t believe I didn’t realize it until I did. I knew you seemed familiar to me when I met you. I’m glad we got to form a friendship. It means a lot to me. And I will be lost without you.” He clears his throat. “I would totally kiss you again if I didn’t think Layne would kick my fucking ass. But I know better. What am I gonna do?” He flings his arms in the air.
Mom pops in to give me my meds and make me eat dry toast again. It’s a wonder that I haven’t choked on it yet. I eat some, take my meds, and wash it down with water. I set the rest of the toast by my bed and just nibble on it.
“Hey, I’m glad your sister got herself together before it was too late. She seems nice, and she’s protective of you. I’m happy she is making things right with your parents,” he says.
“She is a strong willed person, so when she puts her mind to something she sticks to it. I’ve always admired her for that. And I’m glad to have my big sis back.”
“Well, I’ll let you get some rest. I think your mom is in there making meatloaf for dinner and it smells so good,” he says, inhaling the fumes. He jumps off the bed and leans over to hug me, kissing me on the cheek.
“Now now, not too close there,” Layne says, jokingly.
“Busted,” Chase says, smiling and shrugging his shoulders as he leaves the room.
“How is my lady love?” he asks, sitting on the bed next to me.
“I think you have been watching too many of the classics with my sister.
” I laugh at his wide smile. “I’m okay,” I say looking up at him.
“Liar. You never were much of a good liar. Remember that first day I met you in class?”
“How could I forget? It seems like a lifetime ago, yet it seems like yesterday. Oh, how I remember meeting you at your race. It seems so cliché to even say but I think it was lust at first sight,” I tell him shyly.
“Yes, I remember quite well. Renee introduced you to me and I was done. One look was all it took. I don’t even know what it was, but something clicked between us that was so confusing to me. You only wanted one night and I wanted a lifetime.” He smiles so big I see his deep dimples.
“I couldn’t have said it any better. I did just want one night, but after that night, I knew it wasn’t enough. I wanted more and I tried to deny it because I didn’t want either of us to get hurt.”
“I still would have loved you if you would have told me about your disease. But I know you just wanted to feel normal. I’m not okay about this, but I get it,” he says with tear filled eyes.
“You made me feel alive; more alive than I ever felt before. I always felt safe in your arms, like there was nothing bad in the world, and that my disease was a distant memory. You made me forget, but it always came back to the front of my mind. You eased the pain,” I barely get the words out as the tears start to fall and he wraps his arms around me. I lift my head from his shoulders. “Please tell me you’ll be okay. I can’t leave this earth until I know you’re okay.”
“Shh, I’ll get by.” He presses my head against his chest and he is not ashamed to show his emotions to me. I let myself cry into his chest. “Hey, I can’t say getting over you will be easy. To be honest, I’ll never completely get over you. Still I promise you I won’t give up on my life. I’ll stumble, I’ll crawl, but I will get back up and dust myself off. It’s okay to go,” he assures me.
My hands tremble as I lift my head up and hold his face and look into his eyes so I can bore them into my brain. I kiss him, allowing my lips to linger. “You better go eat, before Chase eats all the meatloaf,” I tell him.
“Well, your sister and Chase said it’s like world famous and shit. So I better go get some. You want anything?”
“No, you go eat. I’ll be fine,” I tell him as he kisses the top of my head. I slide under the blankets so I can get some sleep while they eat dinner. I feel so tired and worn out, and I haven’t even done anything.
*****
I shift my position and feel a presence. Opening my eyes slightly, I see Layne in the chair next to my bed. He is leaning over with his elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. My whole body is hurting and I realize I have to take more meds. I struggle just to sit up against the headboard and I lean over to get the pills from my nightstand. Slowly, I put it in my mouth and struggle to swallow it. My appetite has completely diminished, even though I know Mom means well.
Layne lifts his head. “You okay, Babe?”
“Yeah,” I say softly. “But I feel so cold; especially my legs, feet, and arms.” I know that it’s just my body starting to shut down. I shiver underneath the comforter. Layne leaves the room and comes back in with the afghan my mom made.
“You were breathing funny while you were sleeping; not like your normal breathing. So I wanted to keep an eye on you,” he says, covering me with the blanket.
“Thank you,” I say slowly. He sits back down pulling his chair up against the bed. He rubs my arm, and then holds my hand as I slip back into a deep sleep.
I dream that I’m running through a field of wild flowers, carefree as my hair blows in the wind and I’m laughing. I wonder if that is what heaven is like, but then the scene switches to Layne and I standing at the altar with him telling me he loves me and that sometimes you have to let go of the ones you love. Then he disappears, leaving me there. I wake up feeling the tears stream down my face. I brush them away quickly as I realize that I was dreaming.
I shuffle in my bed, repositioning myself. I never feel comfortable anymore. I always have to shift my position and my lips are constantly dry. Renee has even put some carmex on them for me.
“Here, I brought some ice chips, for you,” Mom says. She sits on the other side of my bed and pets my hair, smoothing it. It feels so good; just like when she used to do it when I was little. “My baby girl, Mama loves you so much,” she says.
“I love you, too,” I say, looking up at her.
“That boy has not left your side all day, except to eat,” Mom says about Layne, as he sleeps in the chair.
“I know. Make sure he eats,” I tell her.
“Don’t you worry about that, Hon. I’m making sure everyone is eating. But you know, they are worried, is all. I’ll leave you be. Just rest.” As she leaves the room and I hear her sniffle. Guess she was trying to act strong in front of me. Everyone has been taking turns coming in my room and visiting with me, with the exception of Layne. I know it’s going to happen soon, as I feel my body giving up. It’s hard to breathe, hard to think, hard to do much more than sleep. It should be anytime now.
I nibble on ice chips, because that is the only thing that doesn’t make me gag. I slip in and out of sleep through the night, wonder if I’m actually going to make it until morning.
Chapter Twenty Nine
Layne
Amber made it through the night. I was with her the whole day and night, only leaving her side to eat. I sit next to her bed while she rests. Her small frame is withering away, but she looks so peaceful when she sleeps. I take her thin hand into mine. Her eyes barely squint open, and I put on a brave face, flashing her a weak smile. A lump forms in my throat after I realize this is our last moment together.
She weakly places a hand against my cheek. “You need to move on once I’m gone. Please don’t mourn for me too long.” She releases her hand from my cheek and gives me a smile.
I watch as a stray tear cascades down her cheek, and I reach over to wipe it away. “No tears, remember?” I say softly.
“I remember. I hate that you are seeing me like this. I don’t want you to remember me this way. When you look back on us, I want you to remember the other me. The one that’s not sick; the one that was carefree and lived by her own rules. Remember the good times we shared, like me cheering you on along the sidelines as you raced.” She swallows and continues. “I will always be with you in spirit in your car next to you, walking through the halls as you made me laugh, watching you on the sidelines. Knowing that, I hope you move on, find someone to love, marry and have lots of babies.” She closes her eyes and takes a deep breath.
I rest my hand on hers while I hold the tears back. “I can’t promise anything. And I won’t be moving on anytime soon. You were the first girl I ever loved. Sometimes I think I won’t be able to breathe without you by my side. It literally hurts knowing I’m going to lose you, and I feel like the air will be sucked away from me. You are my world.”
“And there will be more after me. Don’t close yourself off from everyone. Renee and Dylan will need you more than ever.” She barely edges the words out. “I love you.”
I swallow a hard lump. “I love you more; more than anything,”
She’s becoming weaker by the minute. Renee, Dylan, Chase, and her parents come into the room. She is surrounded by everyone that loves her. I remain seated by her side, and I watch as her eyes scan the room. She gives a weak smile to everyone. I bring her hand up to my lips, kissing her fingers. Once she closes her eyes, I quickly realize I will never see those Amber colored eyes again and I wish she would open them once more. Her breathing becomes shallow and everyone says their goodbyes. Her mom’s legs practically give out on her. Luckily, her husband was there to hold her up.
I watch as my angel takes her last breath, and then I finally let the tears take over. How will I be able to move on after losing her? We barely got started. I silently curse the heavens for taking my angel away. How can a god be so cruel to take the only girl I loved away from me?
I’
ve never seen anyone die right before my eyes like that. It was scary, but I know she is in a better place, where she can be free of pain. Now I have to live in a world without her. How is that even possible? Everyone takes a turn kissing her on the cheek and telling her good-bye. We are all bawling our eyes out. I didn’t even get to tell her how much she impacted my life. How do I leave this place without her?
I watch as Renee crumbles right there in the room, and Dylan bends down to try to calm her down. Sarah is just as devastated. They were sisters and share a bond no one would dare touch. But her parents are the ones that have to bury her. Parents aren’t supposed to bury their children; it should be the other way around. This world is cruel.
Chapter Thirty
Renee
It’s been three days since Amber passed away. Everyone has pretty much been walking around like zombies. Amber’s parents have been gracious, letting us continue to stay until after the funeral. Joan and Roger have been making funeral arrangements, while most of the town has been dropping food off here at the house.
“Renee, can we talk outside?” Joan asks.
“Sure.” I follow her out and the late summer heat slams against my face.
“I wanted to ask if you would like to speak at Amber’s viewing? I already asked Layne, and he said he just couldn’t. I understand if you feel the same way, but it would mean a lot,” she says.
“Of course; I would be happy to. I appreciate you asking me; it means a lot,” I tell her as I wipe my tears with a tissue. We sit on the porch a little longer, in silence, while the sun beats down on the earth. I’m glad for the roof over the porch to provide some shade. I think about what I’ll say at her viewing tomorrow, and I will do my best not to lose my sanity in front of everyone. I already feel lost without her, and I wonder how it will even be possible to start sophomore year without my bestie.