“So, I’m just… I’m just your...” Daisy’s face turned purple. She came back and threw a hand across Samuel’s face. She screamed and ran away, covering her face.
“Nothing’s wrong. Life goes on,” Samuel told the people around us. “I’m sorry, Liam, please don’t be mad,” he said as he put his hands together, pleading.
“I’m not mad,” I said. I was only caught off guard.
“You’re not?” Samuel blinked twice, finding me hard to believe. “People will be thinking you’re gay too if word spreads out.”
I folded my arms across my chest. “And how do you intend to fix that?”
“Shit.” He closed his eyes and began knocking his head with his own fist. “I’m stupid, I’m stupid, I’m stupid! I’m so sorry!”
“Stop, stop!” I stopped him, holding his wrist. When he stopped, I let go. “Don’t worry. As I said, I’m cool. I don’t care about any other girls anyway, so I don’t mind,” I assured him. “Besides, you have a good reason. But isn’t that a little too harsh? Don’t you think if she tells everyone in school, you won’t be able to get a girlfriend anymore?”
Samuel grinned. He even snorted. “That’s my point. I don’t want any girl to disturb me now. I’ve dated three girls in school and all three of them…” He shook his head and sighed. “Oh wait, you asked me about Ethan?”
“Yeah,” I quickly answered when he got back to my question. “I haven’t seen him for days. Did his mom take him back to Eastville?”
“Wait.” Samuel held his first finger up. “You mean you don’t know what happened yesterday?”
“No. What happened yesterday?”
Samuel put his hands on his waist and sighed. “His mom disowned him. Right in front of us.”
“What?!” I shouted. “Why?!” I was so loud that I recaptured the attention of everyone around us.
Samuel tapped me on the shoulder twice. “Because of you, Liam.”
9
Love or Honor
(Ethan)
T he river was usually calming and soothing. Whenever I was mad or sad, I would always come here looking for comfort. But it didn’t work this time. My troubles were too much. I was so desperate to the extent that I even asked for help from my unlikely friend, Somersby.
I sat on the porch of my grandma’s house, leaning against a wooden pillar. I stared at the houses across the river and thought, maybe… maybe I should move here. Here, I didn’t have to see Mom. Here, I didn’t have to see him. Here, I didn’t have to see anyone.
Here was Levigard. The very village I was born into. It was an old village by a river. There were houses built along the river, side by side, and their porches faced one another across the river. My grandma’s place was one of them.
The house was technically mine. It was written in my grandma’s will. She left the place to me and I’d never known it until I was legally an adult. But even before then, I’d always made an effort to come over to clean this place. Because this place… it was my early childhood and the home of the person I loved most.
No one lived here anymore. Ever since Grandma left us, my parents never returned here. I was the only one who always came back. Alone. But I was grateful. Because it meant I had a place to go to whenever I wanted to be alone.
Whenever I was here, there were voices that I could hear and never did I mind hearing them. Those voices were my grandma’s or the River God’s. The River God was the god that my family used to worship. It was said that the god lived in these waters and blessed the entire village with much prosperity. This was also the primary reason why the river was always kept clean. It was considered sacred in this village. My grandma told me that the River God never talked to people through words. It communicates emphatically through the River God’s act of nature—a term my grandma used—like the sound, the breeze, and the current of the river. This was why the river was usually calming and soothing. It was one of its ways.
It. Because the River God was never in the form of a man or a woman. The River God took the form of a serpent-like dragon with wings.
I had never told anyone about this, except for Liam and Nathalie. My grandma was half-Asian, and so that made me one-eighth. But being quarter-Asian wasn’t the reason why Dad—and Mom—never returned here, nor was it anything to do with the entire village being almost entirely Asian. They simply chose to believe in a different god. His paternal family’s god.
Neither my grandma’s words nor the River God’s act worked this time. This time, all I heard was my mom’s voice.
“Ethan, can I ask you a question?” my mother had asked. She was folding the pile of clothes that she had collected from the laundry on my bed.
I was sitting on the bed with her, working on my assignment. I could tell she was suddenly all serious from the expression on her face. “Yeah. You can ask me anything, Mom.”
She stopped folding then. She shifted a little to face me. “Are you in love?”
“Huh?” I pretended to laugh. “Where did that come from, Mom?”
“Answer me, son,” she said. “With a boy?”
“Who told you that?” I asked back.
She ignored my question. “And he’s Liam, am I correct?”
I clenched my fists. For all my life, I’d been trying to hide my sexuality from three people. The first person was Liam. And the other two were my parents. Who the fuck sold me out? This was why I’d never come out of the closet. I couldn’t trust anyone. I didn’t know who to trust. “Who told you that, Mom?” I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself down.
“You,” Mom answered.
“What?”
“You’re talking in your sleep. ‘Don’t leave me, Liam. Don’t leave me,’ you’ve said. For two nights.”
“Mom, I…” I tried to reach for her hand.
She jerked her hand away. I had seen that look before. It was the same look that Liam first looked at me. I was suddenly no one else but a monster.
“I’ll only tell you this once, Ethan,” Mom said. “You can’t love a boy. Don’t be a disgrace to our family. You’ve made a mistake once. Don’t make it twice. The honor of our family is important to keep. You must not ruin it. Your father is the head minister of the Ministry of Health, and I’m with the Ministry of Education. Have you ever thought of us? What other people will say about us if other people know that we have a gay—”
“So it’s just about the name?!” I snapped. “About you guys?! What about me? Have you thought of me at all? Have you thought about my feelings, my life?” I slammed my laptop shut and stood up from the bed, facing her. “And how much I have to go through all these years, all by myself?!”
Mom was shocked. She had never seen me shouting at her before.
But I didn’t care. I was too blinded by anger. “I had no one! Not even Nat knew! I had to hide. I had to keep everything to myself. Just so that the people around me are happy! To be honest, I don’t give a fuck if anyone says that I’m gay. I just didn’t want anyone that’s important to me to get upset! I just thought of the people around me! But... but... this is what I get?! This is what I get for always thinking for someone else?! Don’t disgrace our family’s name!” I spat.
My room’s door was never closed. Jerry and Samuel, who were outside in the living room, had heard us. They quickly rushed in.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” Samuel asked.
There were tears in Mom’s eyes. But she had always acted strong. She refused to let any of her tears fall in front of me or my friends. But I knew she was hurt by my words. By the time I was calmer, it was too late.
“Mom…” I tried walking to her.
But she stopped me. “Don’t get any closer!” Her eyes raged, looking at me in complete disgust. “Do what you like but don’t call me Mom. You’re not my son!” She got off the bed and stormed out of the room. No. The apartment.
I could still remember her exact words and how she had harshly said them. I sighed and continued to drink. I’d expected this day. I’
d mentally prepared for this day, but I’d never known that it would still hit me this hard. When I finished the bottle, I opened another one, hoping that it would help me sleep and forget everything.
When I was about to chug the entire bottle down in one shot, someone snatched the bottle away. I turned my head to see who it was. I looked up. It was Nathalie.
I sighed and continued to stare at the wooden houses across the river. It was way past midnight. Most of the houses had their lights turned off. Everyone should be asleep by now, including Nathalie. Why was she even here?
“Really, Eth?” Nathalie said. “Drinking? That’s how you’re gonna solve your problems?”
I didn’t answer her. I didn’t want to talk to her.
She sat down beside me. “And you’re still up. Amazing.”
I continued to ignore her. Suddenly, my ear got pinched, twisted and pulled downwards, making me bend forward. I almost fell into the river.
“What the fuck?!” I exclaimed.
“Look at yourself, Eth!” She pushed my neck down so that I faced the clear water. “Look at yourself. I’m talking to you! What do you look like?!” I couldn’t even see shit in the dark. Then, she pulled me back up. “You think getting all emotional and drunk could solve all your problems? Did you think drinking can make you forget everything? Let me tell you—”
“My problems can’t be solved, Nat!” I shouted, interrupting her. Drunk. She was so fucking annoying. No one asked her to care. I sniggered. I swear I didn’t know what I was doing. “Unless you can turn me straight,” I laughed. “Problem solved.”
Nathalie sighed. “No point talking to you now.”
I kissed her. Her hand flew across my face. The moment I felt the slap, I couldn’t see anything anymore. I was finally drowned into the darkness that I’d wished for. I could finally sleep in peace.
And it was really in peace. Because after so many nights, finally, the nightmare was gone. I was so tired, emotionally exhausted and drunk that I couldn’t think of anything else. Not even Liam.
I woke up not because it was morning yet but it was because my arms and legs were suddenly wrapping around a being that I was very uncomfortable with. It was like an alarm system in my body. My eyes shot wide open.
Nathalie’s face was right in front of mine, kissing distance. I was hugging Nathalie, I realized. I screamed, almost like a girl, and pushed Nathalie off my bed.
“Ouch!” Nathalie exclaimed. “What the heck was that for?!”
I moved backward, staying away as far as possible from her. I used the blanket to cover my almost-naked body. I only had my briefs on. “What the fuck did you do, Nat?! What did you do?! How could you do this to me?!”
“Eh, Eth.” Nathalie stood up. Unlike cement or tiles, the wooden floor did a good job mitigating the damage that could have done to her. “You said to turn you straight.”
I quickly moved my blanket up to cover my eyes. Those balls were so obscene. “When the fuck did I say that?!” I couldn’t recall at all.
“A few hours ago? Downstairs,” Nathalie answered. “Eh, Eth.” Her hand came at the blanket to pull it down. “Is it really that hard to even take a look?”
I shut my eyes instantly. “I must be drunk! I was drinking. Fuck!” I shouted right at her face. “Go away, go away!”
“Turn you straight, my ass.” Nathalie laughed. I could feel her letting go of the blanket. “Chill,” she said. “I wore my clothes already. You can put down your smelly blanket.”
I slowly opened my eyes. She really was dressed. She stood across the room, arms folded across her chest.
“Did we…” I winced at the thought.
“Don’t be silly, Eth.” Nathalie pawed the air once. “We’re just sisters sleeping together.”
I sighed in huge relief.
Nathalie giggled and walked over. She crawled up into the bed.
I tried moving backward again, my butt almost fell off the mattress’ edge. I hugged my knees.
“Hey, I said I did nothing!” She reached me and twisted my ear. “Didn’t you listen?!”
“Ow, ow, ow, ow, okay, okay!” I said, pushing her hand away. “You don’t have to do that.”
We were quiet then, the sound of the river burbling below suddenly loud and clear. We both said nothing for a while. It wasn’t an awkward silence, though. We were quiet only because I needed time to recover. And Nathalie gave me that. She kept herself busy looking around my room while I tried to calm down.
“How did you know where to find me?” I asked her.
“Hello? Who am I?” Nathalie flipped her hair back. “And where else would you go whenever you’re sad? Besides, you brought me here once before, remember?”
“Oh,” I said and realized I had.
“Feeling better?” she asked.
I shook my head and hugged my knees tighter. “I feel terrible, Nat. I feel like I lost everything.”
“Hey.” Nathalie moved to sit beside me. She brought her knees up too and put a hand on my shoulder. “You didn’t lose everything, okay? You still have me.”
I tried to smile. “Thanks, Nat.”
“That’s what friends are for,” she said. “So what’s your plan, Eth?”
“I don’t know yet,” I said. “I’ll probably look for a job. Dad and Mom probably won’t pay for my living expenses anymore.” My living expenses were all I had to care about for now, really. Because I was on a scholarship, I didn’t have to pay a single cent for my tuition fee. All I had to do now was cover the living costs myself.
“I’m not talking about that, Eth,” Nathalie said. “I’m talking about Liam.”
“Him,” I sighed. I gave myself a few seconds to collect my thoughts and put them into words. “I’ve been… I’ve been thinking about moving on. I think it’s time to let Liam go. I dreamt about him leaving me a few nights now, and I think it’s killing me. Look what it did to my parents. Mom found out I love Liam because in my dreams, I ask him not to leave me.”
“Hey, Eth.” Nathalie put her hand on my shoulder again. “You sure you want to give up on him?”
“Believe me, Nat. I’ve actually tried. But I’m always fickle. I’m always stuck somewhere in between. I’ve been thinking... maybe I should start avoiding him. Maybe if I don’t see him, I won’t want to see him. I feel like I’m going insane...”
Nathalie nodded. “But Eth…”
“What?”
“I don’t mean to change what you’ve decided. I mean, it’s good, especially that Liam has been with Joanna for more than a year too, but…”
“Just spit it out, Nat,” I said. “You don’t usually hold back.”
“I do, because I care about your feelings,” Nathalie said.
“Oh. I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay,” Nathalie said. “I think you should know, and then you decide whether you want to avoid him or not, okay?”
“What do you want to tell me, Nat?” I asked her. Almost annoyed now.
“I think Liam likes you too,” Nathalie said.
“I’m sure he likes me.” Duh. “You like me too.”
“Not the way I like you, Eth.” Nathalie knocked my head. “I mean, like the way you like him.”
“Huh?”
Nathalie sighed. “It’s so obvious, Eth. It doesn't even need a psychology student like me to see. Look at how he behaves around you, especially after what happened at my birthday party. He got so protective and jealous over you so easily, especially when there’s Duncan around.”
“Because I was hurt, Nat,” I reminded her.
“And you were hurt because of him,” Nathalie reminded me. “Doesn't that tell you anything?”
“That still doesn’t change the fact that Liam has Joanna,” I reminded her. “That tells me that he still prefer vaginas.”
“That’s because he hasn’t tried your ass yet,” Nathalie said.
I shot her a WTF look. How could she be so straightforward like that? “So you’re saying that I should b
end Liam?”
Nathalie chuckled. “Not really. It really depends on what you want, Eth.”
“I feel tired, Nat,” I said. “For my whole life, I’ve been trying to hide my sexuality. For five years, I’ve been trying to keep Liam. I feel exhausted. I don’t think I have any strength left to try to bend him. Besides, it isn’t guaranteed. We may end up being not friends at all. I still love him, Nat. Don’t get me wrong,” I quickly said. “Very much. Which is why I don’t wanna break his heart. He’s happy with Joanna, and I’m happy when he’s happy. I’m content. And I think at this current state, it’s best to move on already.”
“I understand.” Nathalie nodded. “I understand, Eth. But, Eth, how are you going to move on, then? Find a new person?”
I shook my head. “I don’t wanna think about getting into a relationship for a while. Maybe until I’m fine with my parents first.”
“Eth.” Nathalie put her hand on my shoulder again. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I had to tell you this, okay? Don’t think of lying to your parents by saying that you’re turning straight, ever. Worse, don’t ever think of bringing a girl home to do that. You’ll hurt the girl. I had a friend who had this experience and she was traumatized until now. The consequences fall on all parties, you, her, her parents, and your parents, it can be very catastrophic.”
“Don’t be stupid, Nat,” I said. “I’m proud to be gay. I’ll never do that. If they really don’t want me in the end, I’ll just have to survive on my own.”
“Good.” Nathalie nodded. “Feeling better?”
I took a deep breath. I was beginning to be able to smell the river and hear the singing of its water current again. I nodded at her. “Thanks, Nat.”
We went back to sleep shortly after that. When the sun was up, I brought her out for breakfast. The food stands that Grandma used to bring me since I was a kid were still here and the folks were happy to see me. I ate a lot, primarily because I was still bothered by my troubles. Nathalie called me to screw my diet and asked me to enjoy. She said what I needed the most now was to relax.
“She, you, girlfriend?” the man selling ice-cream in a stall by the river asked when we were buying from him.
A Monster's Love Page 14