How We Love

by Michael Ryan Webb

  "Congratulations, I'm so happy for you both," I said.

  "Thank you, Adam. You," she snapped her fingers at Drew. "Go pack a bag. You're going."

  Drew begrudgingly marched inside and Sarah and I caught up while we waited for him. He returned a few minutes later with a small bag, hanging up his phone. "Mitch is waiting," he grunted.

  "Be nice," Sarah said before she kissed him goodbye.

  I said goodbye to her and got back into the driver's seat while Drew crammed his long legs into the small back seat to avoid having to sit by me. We drove the almost two hours to Austin in complete silence. We picked up Mitch, who as I expected didn't put up a fight since Drew was with me, and drove to the airport in the same silence. Both of them sat in the backseat this time.

  I paid for their tickets and made sure to get them seats far away from mine. When we finally made it back home, Scotty and Momma met us outside.

  "What are you doing? You need to be in bed," I told her.

  "No offense baby, but shut the hell up," she said. "All four of my boys are here, and I'm not wastin' this time. Get your butts back in the car. We're going to dinner."

  "Momma, you can barely stand," I said.

  "Do I look like I care, boy?" she snapped. "We're going. You're not too old for me whip your little behind. Now are you gonna drive or does Scotty need to?"

  I looked at Scotty and he mouthed, "I tried," and shrugged. So all five of us piled back into the car, just like when we were kids. We drove to my mother's favorite restaurant and found it empty. The owner, a member of my mother's church, had shut the place down so that my mother could have one last dinner out with her family in peace.

  We ate almost silently. Our mother seemed to just enjoy being in the presence of all four of us. But it was difficult for any of us to enjoy ourselves knowing that she was getting so much worse. It didn't help that two of the four other people at the table hated me either.

  After dinner we piled back in the car and drove our mother around town to see the Christmas lights in the fancier neighborhoods. She cried as she watched the lights at one of the bigger houses, and that was the moment I knew that she could feel her time running out.

  I drove us all home and helped her get settled. She insisted on staying out in the living room to be near everyone instead of going to her room. So I tucked her in to blankets on the couch and we all gathered around her and talked with her until she fell asleep. Mitch and Drew continued their game of pretending Scotty and I weren't there until Scotty finally couldn't handle it anymore.

  "Are y'all still mad at me?" he asked. "I'm really sorry, boys. I wish I wasn't gay but I just am."

  "No, Scotty, don't apologize to them for being who you are," I said. "And you two should be ashamed of yourselves for shutting him out. It was bad enough you did it to me but he's your little brother. You're supposed to look out for him."

  "You mean like you did for us?" Mitch asked, rolling his eyes.

  "What is that supposed to mean?" I snapped.

  "You really think we're mad at Scotty for being gay?" Drew butted in. "We were mad at him for being like you."

  "But that wasn't cool," Mitch added. "We're sorry, Scotty. We know you aren't really a garbage person like Adam. We don't care if you like dudes."

  "Yeah, little man. We're sorry. We shouldn't have shut you out. Adam is the one we really have a problem with. He abandoned us," Drew said.

  "Whoa, whoa, hold on," I finally managed to get in. "What do you mean I abandoned you?"

  "Adam, what else did you do when you came out?" Drew asked.

  "I can answer that," Mitch said.

  "Will one of you please just explain," I said, tiring of their back and forth routine. They started playing rock, paper, scissors. "Oh my god, you're children. Drew, speak."

  "You left, Adam," he said. "You were already 18, so when Dad didn't like what you had to say about yourself, you just took off. But me and Mitch were only 13. We were still kids. But you being gone made us the oldest. So who do you think started taking beatings when Dad got drunk?"

  "You were big enough to defend yourself when he went after you," Mitch took over. "We weren't. He beat us black and blue until we were finally grown enough to fight back. And when we were old enough to move out, we stayed close in case Momma and Scotty needed us. We didn't leave town until that son of a bitch was dead. But you were long gone."

  "We thought you'd come back for us," Drew picked back up. "We thought our big brother would come save us. But you never did. We don't hate you because you're gay, Adam."

  "We hate you because you're selfish," Mitch finished the thought. "And when you married Mark it was like you were leavin' us even further behind than you already had. Momma and Dad might have had wanted you to be straight. But all we ever wanted was for you to care about us."

  Oof, that one hurt. If you're thinking I'm the biggest piece of shit on the planet, don't worry. I was definitely feeling like it in that moment.

  "I'm so sorry," I said. "Truly, I am. You're right. I was selfish. I was so afraid of dealing with Dad that I just took off and didn't think about what he might do to you. And that was wrong. I should have stayed and made sure you were okay. And I should have made more of an effort to be close to you all after Mark and I got together."

  "We know," they said in unison.

  "Give him a break," Scotty suddenly spoke up. All three of us turned to focus on him. "He was scared. And he was still a kid. He made a crappy choice, and he made some crappy choices after that. But he's here now, and he's still our brother."

  "He's right, babies," Momma said, stirring. "You all need each other. I want y'all to know how sorry I am for not getting us away from your daddy. I made my choices out of fear just like Adam did. And Adam, I'm so sorry that I didn't support you coming out. Maybe if I had spoken up for you, you'd have stuck around. But I know all four of you remember how your daddy was. Y'all can't go holding the way he made you act against each other. He messed all of us up in different ways. And when I'm gone, you four are gonna need each other if you ever wanna be whole again. And babies, I think that time might be comin' sooner than we'd like."

  "Remember how we used to play Monopoly when Dad worked late?" Mitch asked, trying to avoid the inevitable.

  "I still keep it in the same place," Momma said, smiling as she sat up straighter.

  "I'll get it," Drew said, getting up to go. "Scotty can't play. I'm still upset that he ate the car piece."

  "I was literally 2 years old," Scotty yelled, following him out.

  Mitch stayed put, but extended his hand to me, "We're good," he said. "Well, maybe not yet. But someday."

  "Thank you," I said, shaking his hand. "I'll earn your forgiveness. I promise."

  "If you have any leads on a job or a free apartment, that'd be a good start," he said. "Oil industry is not what it used to be and I have about two weeks to find steady work or somewhere to crash before my ass is on the street. What are you smiling at?"

  "I might have an idea," I explained, as Drew and Scotty reentered the room arguing over who was going to get to use the hat game piece.

  "You crapped out the car, little man. Nobody wants to use that now. I don't know why it's even in the box still," Drew was saying.

  "It's been 20 years," Scotty shouted. "Even if it hadn't been cleaned, I'm pretty sure fecal matter doesn't have any effects that last that long.

  "Well, when you're a doctor you can let us know. Until then, you get the dumbass thimble," Drew replied.

  "Hey, Scotty," I said. "What do you think about another roommate?" I gestured at Mitch, who swapped the confused look on his face for one of surprise.

  "I dunno. These two basically share 80 percent of their personality and Drew is being a real dick right now," Scotty said.

  "Wait, you guys are moving in together?" Drew asked.

  I nodded and Mitch said, "I'm in. If it's okay with Scotty, of course."

  Scotty rubbed his chin thoughtfully before saying, "I'm
gonna say hard pass, but thanks for the offer."

  Mitch jumped up off the floor and wrapped Scotty in a headlock. Drew sat down next to Momma and rested his head on her shoulder as he watched our brothers wrestle like children. I watched them all and finally felt like my family was at peace again. Maybe not even again. Maybe for the first time.

  "Ow, ow, okay he can come," Scotty conceded when Mitch got him pinned down.

  "So it's settled, then," I said. "You two dummies are coming home with me. Now, are you all ready to lose this game?"

  "I hope you're ready too, baby," Momma said. "I want you all to know before I whip your butts that I love you all very much. I'll always be with you."

  So we played. All night. We joked and laughed, cheated and argued, ate junk food and slowly healed some of the many wounds my father had left for us. My mother was the happiest I'd ever seen her. Her smile bright and full despite how sick she was. Her laugh louder than ever.

  So, when we awoke late on the afternoon of the 28th and discovered that she had passed quietly in her sleep, I chose to remember her the way she had been that night. Beautiful, happy, and free, strong in the face of the ultimate adversity.

  I hadn't expected the funeral to be much more than my three brothers and me especially because it fell on New Year's Eve, but I far underestimated the presence Hattie King had in that town. Her small church was overflowing with people who wanted to pay their respects. Even Mark flew down to stand by my side as I said goodbye. I didn't know it until after he'd already gone home, but he'd also secretly paid for the funeral. When I asked him why, he simply replied, "She was a good woman. She was family."

  We buried our mother late in the morning, then returned back to her favorite restaurant to have another family dinner in her honor. Though this one was a much heavier occasion, there was far less tension in the room, as the four of us shared our favorite memories of our mother.

  Midway through dinner, however, Drew got a call – Sarah was going into labor early. We put Drew on a plane and the rest of us drove down together to meet our new niece. And so, in the early hours of the morning after our mother was laid to rest, her first grandchild was born. A girl, named Abigail Hattie King.

  Sarah, ecstatic to see that we were all getting along, invited Mitch, Scotty, and I to stay for a few days. So we did, doing as much as we could to help Drew finish up the preparations at the house since the baby had come early.

  But we couldn't stay as long as we probably would have liked. Newly sober, I had a job to get back to. Scotty's transfer had also been approved; so he had classes to prepare for.

  "Congratulations," I told Drew as we said goodbye. "Call me if you need anything. Anything at all."

  "Thanks, I will," he said. I started to get into the car and he stopped me. "Hey, Adam? I love you, bubba. Don't be a stranger anymore, okay?"

  "I love you too, little brother. And are you kidding me? I'm gonna be coming to see that baby at least six times a year," I said. "If you happen to be here too, maybe we can catch a movie or something."

  So I dropped Mitch off back in Austin to get his affairs in order and Scotty and I drove back home. It felt wrong to just abandon our mother's home, so we asked one of her close friends to keep an eye on it for us until we figured out what to do next. We spent a few days sorting through her things and making sure everything was settled. We mailed Drew a few of her things that we thought he'd want, took a few things for ourselves and Mitch, and then put the rest away safely.

  "Crazy, isn't it?" Scotty asked as we loaded up boxes. "One day you're a person with this whole life. Then all that's left of you is packed away."

  "This isn't all that's left of her, buddy," I said, setting down the box I was carrying so that I could hug him. "She raised four kids. Whatever we become isn't just for us. It's her legacy now too."

  "You're pretty good at this big brother thing," he said, squeezing me tight.

  "Yeah, well I've got a lot of lost time to make up for," I admitted.

  When we got back to California, Scotty helped me get my apartment clean and cleared of all the liquor and we fixed the hole I'd made in the wall. We rearranged the best we could to make my one bedroom function for three grown men, though we weren't entirely sure how long it would be before Mitch joined us.

  The following week, school began. Scotty threw himself into his course work with such focus that it helped inspire me to work even harder than I already knew I had to. I had, unsurprisingly, been knocked back down to only the three courses I normally taught. The newer courses I had tried to take on during the previous semester had been reassigned.

  "I'm very pleased to have you back," Dr. Lewis had said when I presented her with my 30 day chip and asked for permission to return. "I did not relish in stripping you of your duties, Dr. King. But I trust you understand now that it was for your own benefit."

  "I do, Dr. Lewis," I agreed. "It was the right call. I let you down. It won't happen again."

  "Excellent. Well, let us get to work then," she said with a cordial smile.

  So I did. My first two classes were seamless. I was so determined to do better that I was putting in more effort than I'd ever put into anything. The students appeared at least moderately interested, which was honestly the best I could hope for some semesters.

  I was momentarily thrown, however, in my third class on the first day. Lauren, the pregnant student from the previous semester, was there. She must have been almost seven months pregnant by then. She had a hard time fitting her round belly in the cramped desk seat, so I set up a chair at a table up front for her. She eyed me suspiciously as she got situated, and continued to do so throughout my lecture. She wasn't the only one. Throughout the day students had been whispering to each other as they stared at me.

  "So, I know you've all probably heard a lot about me," I said, facing the group of 30 students. "So I just want to clear the air so we can get through this semester without your inevitable questions being a distraction for you.

  "So, first of all, yes it is true that I am alcoholic. It's also true that I was suspended last semester for some very poor decisions that I made both under the influence of alcohol and out of sheer stupidity. I've made a lot of mistakes in the last few months. But I'm here. I'm still standing. It wasn't easy, but I worked out my issues and I am back and ready to try and do better.

  "Now, I can't promise you that I'm going to be perfect. If you've heard even one of the rumors about me, and I'm sure have, you know that I'm far from it. But I can promise you that I want to be a good teacher. I want you to learn something from my class. And I can promise you that though I'll push you to do your best, I won't be hard on you when you make a mistake. Because God knows I've made some big mistakes of my own.

  "So, if you feel like you can trust me to guide you through this course, then I'd love to have you. But if you don't, I absolutely understand. And you're welcome to go now so that I don't waste your time." I gestured toward the door and waited.

  A few students shifted in their seats, but no one actually left. So we continued with class. In honor of my mother, I asked the students to write about their parents. I was touched by most of their submissions, though they made me regret not making up with my own mother sooner.

  Lauren's however, was far darker than the others. Like me, she'd had an abusive father. But he'd been far worse than mine. When she was 9, he'd beaten her mother to death. The realization of how much worse we could have had it made me appreciate having reconnected with my brothers even more.

  I was beyond relieved when I finally finished the day's work and got to go home. I fixed dinner for Scotty and myself before he went with me to an AA meeting. Then we returned home where he worked on his homework and I prepared for the next day's classes.

  We continued this pattern for the next month. There were several days where I badly craved a drink. I'd gotten so used to leaning on alcohol to deal with stress that it was like a default response to crave a drink when my day threw me anything une
xpected. But Scotty kept me in line, dragging me to meetings as often as he needed to and coaching me through the cravings.

  Mitch moved in at the beginning of February, and I helped him get enrolled in classes at the community college across town to work on getting a business degree. And so we worked him into our routine. Not that it was a huge change. One more person at dinner and then one more person sprawled out on the floor working afterward. We also worked out a weekly video chat with Drew and made plans to visit him at Easter.

  Everything finally felt peaceful in my life, aside from Lauren still watching me in class like she was in CIA training. Things were good between Mark and me. We didn't talk much, but when we did it was friendly. For the first time in my adult life I was not only on speaking terms with all of my brothers, but actually getting along with them really well. If that had been the way my life remained, I would have honestly been happy. But as it so often does, life had another trick up its sleeve.

  February passed rather uneventfully. Mitch and Scotty both managed to find dates for Valentine's Day, but I just acted like it was any other day. Mark, having returned to his old law firm, set Mitch up with an assistant job for a few weeks, but that was the only real change for a while.

  In the third week of March, however, several things happened all at once. First, I received a package from Mark. It contained our approved divorce decree from the judge and a letter. It read:

  Adam,

  This is it. It's official. I'm a little sad, but I think it's for the best. I hope you know I'll always love you. And to that effect, I want to give you something. Think of it as a farewell gift and a thank you. In this envelope I've included the deed to the house. I want you and your brothers to have it. I'm so happy that you've reconnected with them. And I'm proud of you for staying sober and working through all of your problems.

  Who knows, maybe you'll start a family in that house someday like you always wanted, if that's still what you want. I hope you get whatever it is that you do want. I'm truly sorry that I wasn't able to give it to you. But I want you to know, I wouldn't take back a single second of it because for every painful memory I might have of you, I have at least three beautiful ones. I'd do it all again in a heartbeat.