How We Love

by Michael Ryan Webb

  By the time you get this, the house will be empty. Feel free to move in whenever you'd like. Maybe invite us over for dinner sometime? I'll be sure to let you know what I think about the new decorating.

  Love always,

  Mark

  I choked back tears as I read the letter. I couldn't believe that it was really, truly over. 20 years, severed by a single envelope. But I couldn't imagine a better resolution if it had to end. And of course it did. I'd set us down this path without thinking it through, and it had backfired. But Mark was happy, and I was on my way there – faster than I could have imagined.

  My brothers and I spent most of that week packing and moving. Mitch offered to repair the hole in the foyer wall for me, since Mark had taken the painting that once covered it. I told him to leave it, that I'd find something else to cover it. "Some scars are worth having," I explained.

  By Friday, I was so exhausted that there was no possible way I could have been prepared for what happened in my last class of the day. During the first half of the lecture, I kept noticing Lauren squirming uncomfortably. She's pregnant, I thought. Just leave her alone. So I continued and tried to ignore it until, about a half hour into class, she quickly walked out of the room, a panicked look on her face.

  "Class dismissed," I said. "Keep working on your midterm papers, and I'll see you on Monday." I followed her out and down the hallway. "Lauren, hey, what's going on?"

  "Oh, Dr. King. It's nothing, yeah, nothing, everything's fine," she said, still squirming.

  I looked down and noticed a large stain on the front of her jeans. "Lauren, did your water break?" I asked.

  "This? No, I um, small bladder, baby pressing against it, normal pregnancy stuff," she tried to lie. But the scream she let out as a contraction kicked in gave her away.

  "Okay, we gotta get you to a hospital," I said.

  "No, I can't. I can't have this baby yet," she said loudly, her voice echoing in the empty hallway.

  "Yes, you can, Lauren. You have to," I said, putting a hand on her back and trying to guide her forward.

  "No I can't. I don't have anyone to give it to," she shouted, jerking away.

  I froze, confused as to how she could possibly not have chosen birth parents at this late stage. "What happened to the adoption agency?" I asked.

  "I went," she said. "It's just, all of the parents are like Stepford families. And they all have like 8 kids already and it's like okay Jon and Kate, leave some for everybody else. And I just wanted to find someone nice and someone who makes mistakes like I do who will let this kid be a kid and not a perfect little robot who gets perfect grades but never plays."

  "Okay, Lauren, I'm so sorry but you're out of time," I said as she hunched over from another contraction. "Social services can figure out the adoption for you, but right now you have to go deliver this baby."

  "I can't. I can't," she kept whispering.

  "Listen to me, Lauren," I said, taking her by the shoulders. "You can do this. You are so strong. I've read your papers. I know what you've been through. And this is gonna be over a lot faster than some of that stuff was. So we're gonna go to the hospital, and you're gonna deliver this baby. And I'll stand right there with you and you just squeeze my hands as hard as you need to. But you are going to do this. You can, and you have to. Okay?"

  She nodded nervously and I again started guiding her forward. I helped her ease into the backseat of my car and sped as carefully as I could to the hospital. Her labor progressed quickly. By the time we got to the hospital her contractions were less than three minutes apart. Within two hours, she delivered a healthy, beautiful baby boy.

  "Would you like to hold your son?" one of the nurses asked her when it was over.

  "He's not my son," she said. The nurse nodded and started to take the baby out. "He belongs to him," she said. I looked down to see her pointing at me.

  "Lauren, what the hell are you talking about?" I asked, clutching the side of her hospital bed.

  "He's yours, if you want him," she said. "I can do that, right? I haven't signed away my rights or anything. So I can do that, can't I?"

  "I have no idea, Lauren, but I can't raise a baby. I can barely take care of myself," I said.

  "Yes, you can," she said, wiping sweat from her brow. "I've been watching you. Everybody in your classes knows how bad you fucked up last semester. But you've worked so hard to get yourself back on track that everyone just listens to you anyway. You make mistakes, just like me. But you learn from them, and you teach other people from them. That's what I want for this baby. And I know you want a baby. The adoption agency lady couldn't shut up about you when I told her you referred me."

  "Lauren, I-," I stammered.

  "Excuse me folks, but what am I doing with this baby?" the nurse asked.

  "Give the baby to him," Lauren said. "Dr. King, if you can hold that baby and honestly tell me you don’t fall in love right away, I'll sign whatever social services wants me to. But if you can't, I want you to take him, and raise him as well as I know you can."

  I hesitated, but ultimately nodded at the nurse. A fatal mistake. I lost the battle as soon as she handed him to me. With him in my hands, I felt like a piece I didn't even know was missing had clicked into place. It felt right. He felt like mine.

  "Hi," I whispered through tears. "It looks like I'm gonna be your daddy."

  "I knew it," Lauren said smugly. She lay back and closed her eyes. "Be good to him Dr. K. Love him."

  "I will," I said. "I always will."

  I waited to call anyone until I had spoken with one of Mark's legal colleagues and confirmed that it was in fact legal for Lauren to declare that I could adopt the baby there in the delivery room. I also checked with her to make sure she was okay with it again.

  With everything settled, and the perfect little bundle of joy officially mine, I called my brothers. They thought I was joking. I had to have someone take a picture of me with the baby and send it to them. Mitch and Scotty came right over. Drew caught the next flight out and was there within hours.

  "I knew you were always jealous of me, brother, but I didn't think you were this jealous," Drew said when he walked in to see me sitting in a rocking chair holding the baby.

  "Shh," I said, rocking gently back and forth as all of my brothers stood around me. "I don't want him to know we're a bunch of assholes yet. He shouldn't learn that for a few years at least."

  "Okay, but really, how do you just go to work one day and end up with a kid?" he asked. I explained what had happened with Lauren and he responded, "Sounds like one of Sarah's Lifetime movies, dude. But if you're happy, I'm happy."

  "Kid is handsome like his uncles," Mitch said, making silly faces at the baby.

  "That's literally impossible," Scotty said.

  "It's a figure of speech, little man," Mitch replied.

  "It's not," Scotty retorted. "It's really not."

  They continued to bicker and Drew probably joined in, but I couldn't tell you for sure because I looked down at that wonderful little miracle in my arms and everything else faded away. I had a son. I'd been waiting for him for so long. He came in a way that I never could have imagined, but there he was - my son. I felt like my DNA had been fundamentally altered - like more than I was anything else from that moment on, I was that baby's father.

  A nurse came in and offered to take a picture. So my brothers crowded around me and the nurse took the first ever photograph of me with all of my brothers where all four of us looked happy. I never could have imagined that a picture like that would exist, much less that it would include my child too.

  I stayed at the hospital all weekend, until the baby was cleared to go home. I had Scotty pick up a car seat for me, but I didn't have a single other thing for the baby, so I was nervous on the way home. I almost stopped to pick a few things up, but I didn’t have any way to carry the baby around and shop, so I planned to pick up one of my brothers and go back.

  But when I opened the door to the house, there
were two surprises waiting for me. First, all of the remaining boxes had been unpacked. My brothers had finished getting the house settled and it looked like an actual home. Second, sitting on the entry way table was a diaper bag with a note attached.

  Adam,

  Took Drew out for pizza because he wouldn't shut up about being hungry. Check out your awesome nursery upstairs. We got everything you should need. Don't worry, Sarah picked most of it out. Mitch and Scotty promise to babysit whenever you need in exchange for living here with you for free.

  We love you jackass. Congrats,

  Drew, Mitch, and Scotty

  Right above the table, covering the patch in the wall in the space where that old painting had once hung, was a framed enlargement of the picture from the hospital. We all looked so happy. We looked like a real family. I felt like everything was in its right place. My world, so full of turmoil for so long, had finally settled and a peace had washed over it.

  I don't think I'd ever meant something as sincerely as I did as I looked from the picture to my son and whispered, "It's perfect."

  Chapter Ten | Mark

  When I returned from Hattie's funeral, Grayson was still in Seattle with his parents. I tried to stay busy at the diner, making sure everything was taken care of so he wouldn't have anything to worry about when he came back.

  As midnight approached, I settled onto the sofa at home to watch the New Year's Eve specials on TV. Even though Adam had been gone a while, this was the first holiday I was spending alone, and it felt odd.

  Alone, just like you deserve to be.

  I decided to bake brownies to keep myself busy. I started gathering ingredients only to realize that I was out of flour. So I walked down to the diner to borrow some. But as I approached, I noticed a light on in the cottage. Grayson's car was in the drive way, but he had left it there while he was out of town. He hadn't said anything about coming home.

  Someone's in there. They're going to kill you.

  I counted my fingers and reminded myself that Grayson thought I was strong. I slowly approached the cottage and tried to peek inside. I couldn't see anyone. I moved to the front door and turned the knob as quietly as possible. It opened, so I crept inside. Suddenly, Dolly came barreling around the corner from the bedroom.

  "What is it, girl?" Grayson called after her as he entered the room wearing only a towel around his waist. "Oh, hey. Damn, I was going to surprise you in a little bit."

  "You're here," I said excitedly. I wanted to rush into his arms, but we'd been taking things slow. This was the first time I'd ever even seen him without a shirt on. The visual was nice - very nice, but I was unsure how to proceed.

  Grayson mercifully didn't overthink things as much as I did. He rushed forward as well as he could in the towel. He grabbed me and kissed me so passionately my knees went weak. Luckily, he had a good grip. He picked me up and carried me back to his bed. As we fell onto the bed and continued kissing, I ran my fingers through his hair and felt something sticky. I pulled my hand away to discover it was cookie dough.

  "You know, I've always wondered how you got your hair so shiny," I said. "But I would never have come up with this as the answer."

  "That was supposed to be part of the surprise," he said. He tickled me and I jumped off of him, only for him to move on top of me. "I accidentally turned the mixer on high and it went everywhere. I thought I had gotten all of it out of my hair." He laughed as he kissed me again, then rested his head on my chest.

  "What are you doing home already?" I asked, rubbing his back.

  "I missed you," he admitted, looking up at me. "I waited so long for you to come home just to leave you myself. I couldn't wait to get back and tell you that I love you."

  I smiled at him full of joy as I said, "I love you too."

  "Good, then the cookie dough on my ceiling is worth it," he said as he tried to tickle me again. I rolled over on top of him and pinned his arms above his head to stop him. A look of panic washed over his face.

  "Are you okay?" I asked, quickly letting him up. He scrambled to sit against the headboard. He looked embarrassed.

  "I'm sorry," he said, his voice quivering.

  "Grayson, it's fine. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to scare you," I said, scooting away to give him space. "I'm really, really sorry."

  "It's not you, Mark," he said, drawing his knees up to his chest. "I have to tell you something."

  "You can tell me anything, Grayson," I said. "Can I sit next to you?" He nodded so I sat on the bed next to him and held his hand.

  "After Alex died," he said, squeezing my hand. "I was in a really dark place. I started dating this guy, Jack. I knew he wasn't a great guy. I met him at a club and somebody warned me about him before we left together that night. But I didn't care much about anything at the time so I ignored them. Everything was fine for a while, but the longer we dated, the more serious he became about me. And he started to get..."

  He paused, tears running down his face. He looked away from me to wipe his eyes. "He started to hit me. It was nothing major at first. We got into an argument and he punched me in the arm. He apologized over and over and I really believed he was sorry. But it kept happening, and it kept getting worse. I broke up with him a few times, but he always threatened to kill me if I didn't come back."

  He started to cry harder so I wrapped my arms around him. "Then one night, he wanted to have sex. But he'd already hit me earlier that day, so I wasn't having it. So he started hitting me again. Harder than he ever had before. Then he pinned me down and... and he..." his voice broke and he couldn't continue. He buried his face in my neck and cried.

  "Grayson, I'm so sorry," I said, my own eyes filling with tears. "I had no idea. I'm so, so sorry. Is he... still out there?"

  He shook his head. "When I finally got up the nerve to tell my parents, they called the police. Turned out he had warrants for other things, so he's in prison."

  "Good," I said. "I hope he rots there." I was angrier than I'd ever been in my life. The idea that someone could take advantage of Grayson that way made my blood boil. I held onto him tightly until he was calmed down.

  "I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," he said after a while. "I was too ashamed."

  "Ashamed? Grayson, you didn't do anything wrong," I reassured him.

  "You don't think I'm weak for letting that happen to me?" he asked, sounding genuinely surprised.

  "Are you kidding me? I meant it when I told you that I love you," I said, shifting to look him in the eyes. "You are so incredible in my eyes. Nothing could ever change that. And you aren't weak. You're the strongest man I know. And I would kill that bastard if he ever came near you again."

  He laid his head down on my chest and sighed. "We can keep taking things slow," I said. "I just want to be with you. I'm okay waiting to have sex until you feel like you're ready."

  "You'd really be okay with that?" he asked.

  "Of course," I said. "I'd love you even if we never did that. Here, I think it's time I give this back to you." I pulled the handkerchief he had given me when we met out of my wallet and handed it to him. "So you'll know I'm always on your side."

  He took the handkerchief, kissed me again, then fell asleep on my chest. Taking things slow was perfect for us. I really just wanted to spend time with him. Nothing else mattered to me.

  A few weeks into January, I received a call from my old law firm. They had an open associate position and wanted to offer it to me on a probationary basis for six months. I turned it down initially, but Grayson wouldn't let me pass up the opportunity.

  "You're fired," he told me when I walked into the diner the next day. "I'm serious. I'm not going to let you give up on your dream. You've worked your whole life for that career. You have to get it back. Besides, absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? That can only be a good thing for us."

  "I don't know," I said. "I'm not sure my heart can handle any more fondness for you. It's pretty full as is."

  He kissed me, then playfully s
lapped my butt and said, "Go be a lawyer again. And send me pictures of yourself in your suit - or out of it. Surprise me."

  So I went. I handled mostly easy cases for a while to test the waters. After a couple of weeks, I was really getting into the swing of things and picked up a couple of high profile clients, which earned me the right to an assistant. Since Adam's brother Mitch had just moved to town and needed work, I tried him out. After everything, it felt like the right thing to do to try to mend fences with Adam's family as well. He learned quickly and helped me keep on top of things on the days when I struggled, so I was glad to have him.

  Work in general was going well, much better than I'd expected in fact. And not seeing Grayson all day like I was used to made the time I did get to spend with him, which was pretty much every evening, feel more special.

  On Valentine's Day, we accidentally surprised each other with tickets to the same movie. They were for different show times, so we saw it twice with dinner in between. Simple as it was, it felt special and romantic in our own little way. We made love for the first time that night and it was worth every minute that we'd waited.

  "I love you," I whispered as I held him afterward.

  "I love you too," he said, craning his head to kiss me.

  "No, I mean I really love you," I said. "In a way I never thought I would love anyone again. My heart has been broken for so long that I almost couldn't remember what it felt like for it to be whole. But then you came along like the world's best heart surgeon and stitched me up so flawlessly that if I don't actively think about it, I don't even remember it ever being broken. You saved my life. And I don't think I can ever really repay for you that, but I'll spend as long as you let me trying."

  He sat up and looked into my eyes. "Mark, I get it. I really do. Look, I may not have been as visibly broken when we met, but I was just coasting through my life. I spent every day missing my brother, and working just to keep myself from falling apart. And then you walked into the diner and you flipped a switch in me. All of a sudden, I actually wanted to get out of bed in the morning. I wanted to watch TV with you, and read books, and bake cookies, and even just sit in stillness and enjoy the quiet. I wanted every beautiful little second that you were willing to offer me. For the first time since Alex died, you gave me something to believe in. And if you'll have me, I'll keep believing in that for the rest of my life."