Heartbeat

by Ellis, Tara

  “I’m gon be alright, Charlie.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” I wanted to know.

  He broke our eye contact and stared across the room. “Man, we was just getting to know one another and before I knew it, things started moving faster than I thought they would. I mean, I wanted to tell you and I know I should have a long time ago but the time just never seemed right. Plus, I’m damn near cancer free, so I figured what was the point.” He shrugged his shoulders and returned his piercing hazel-green eyes back on me.

  The eye contact sucked the breath out of me and my heart yearned for him. “Still…you should have told me…before…”

  “Before what?”

  “Before I fell in love with you.”

  There, I’d said it. I hadn’t meant to say it this soon. Hell, I hadn’t meant to feel it this soon. But I did. I was completely in love with Amir and it didn’t matter if he didn’t feel the same way just yet. I had to let him know how I felt. In such a short amount of time, he’d managed to become my very heart beat.

  A playful smile took over his face, “You love a nigga?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Oh gah! I shouldn’t have said nothing.”

  He pulled me closer to him and lifted my face, making sure our eyes were connected. “Damn, Charlie, I love you too. I mean, I been feeling you strong since you came into my life. I wasn’t going to even say nothing cause I wasn’t sure what you had going on with ya husband and a nigga wun’ trying to get his heart broken.”

  No matter how hard I tried to fight the smile, it took over my face. “You love me?”

  “Don’t start,” he said.

  “Amir, I need you to know that I’m one hundred percent going through with my divorce so that’s nothing you have to worry about. Whether you were in my life or not, I would be going through with the divorce. I need you to trust me. If we’re going to be serious about whatever this is we’re doing, we have to have trust. But we can’t have trust if you’re keeping stuff from me.”

  I stared at him trying to gauge his reaction to what I’d just said, because I meant every word. Although, I did understand why he hadn’t told me about his illness, I wanted him to know he could have.

  He nodded his head. “You right. And you ain’t gotta worry about me keeping shit else from you. As long as you keeping it real with me, I’m gon’ keep it real with you. I promise you that.”

  He then kissed me as if to seal the promise, and I believed him. After I’d sworn I would not, could not, ever trust another man, I found myself putting all my trust in Amir. It was something in his eyes that reached out to my soul and connected us. I wasn’t sure what it was that we were doing but it felt right. It felt crazy, overwhelming, and even suffocating. I saw my forever with Amir when I looked in his eyes and if he was willing, I damn sure was willing to take this crazy ride with him.

  I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat. It was melodic and the beating of my heart slowed down to match the beat of his. “I love listening to your heart beat,” I said.

  “You tell me that every time you lay your head on my chest.”

  “Cause its true,” I said. I didn’t want to be corny but I could have sworn his heart beat sounded like it was singing to me.

  ❤❤❤❤❤

  My phone call went to voicemail again and I rolled my eyes. Kesha hadn’t returned any of my texts and now she wasn’t even returning phone calls. I was sure she was wrapped up in Harris, the dude she called corny so many times. No matter how much Kesha fronted or tried to act hard, she was feeling Harris. She swore up and down she was through with niggas and didn’t believe in love, but something told me Harris was going to change her mind about all that.

  I called Lake to check up on her. “Hey girl.”

  “Hello Charlie.”

  “You and Kesha been missing in action. Its hell trying to get in touch with either one of ya’ll.”

  She laughed before she sighed. “Girl, you one to talk. You always with Amir and she’s always with Harris. Ya’ll done forgot about lil’ ol’ me. Ain’t neither one of ya’ll came to see Destiny in forever.”

  Lake sure knew how to lay a guilt trip on somebody, but she was right. I hadn’t been by to see her since Kesha and I stopped by her house that day. I felt like a terrible friend because if Lake ever needed me, I know it was now. Lake had never handled stress very well and I couldn’t imagine the stress she was under now that she had a newborn, on top of finding out Greg was married.

  “You know what, Lake, you’re right. We all have our own lives and a lot going on, but that’s no excuse. I shoulda’ been over there by now, and checked up on you and my god-baby.”

  “Um hmm,” she said. “I guess I can forgive you if you give me some more maternity leave.”

  I laughed, “You want me to stop by tonight?” I had plans with Amir but I knew he would understand that I needed to cancel.

  She paused like she had to think about it. “Nah, me and my girl Denise going to hit up Cheddars tonight. But you can come through tomorrow.”

  “Oh, so I can’t join you and Denise?”

  “You don’t even know her so you know you don’t want to go out to eat with us.”

  She was right but I still felt some kind of way every time she brought this Denise chick up. “Well, you and Denise seem to be kicking it a lot, why can’t I tag along? I’m starting to think you done kicked me and Kesha to the curb for this chick.” I laughed to let her know I was only joking.

  “Girl, I haven’t even heard from Kesha since ya’ll came over here that day and forced me to go to that police station.”

  “What? Really?” Something about that didn’t sit right with me. If I went a few days without hearing from Kesha, Lake would have at least heard from her. But now, neither one of us had heard from her. I made a mental note to stop by her crib tonight.

  “How did it go at the police station, anyway?” I asked.

  “Girl, I don’t know why I was so worried about it. They on the verge of arresting Greg’s ass and once I told them about me, they said they had motive now.”

  I sucked in air because of the surprise. “Damn, I would have never thought Greg was a murderer!”

  “Well, he is!” She snapped.

  I heard her fumbling in the background and then start to whisper. “Hey, Charlie, thanks for checking up on me but I gotta go. I’ll holla at you tomorrow.”

  She hung up before I could respond. Damn, something wasn’t right with Lake. Something wasn’t right with Kesha, either. All I could do was shake my head and wonder what the hell was going on with my friends.

  Amir

  I didn’t like the look on Dr. Johnson’s face. It didn’t look nothing like the confidence he wore every other time I was here to see him. I was almost afraid to ask but I knew I had to. “What’s good, doc?”

  He ran his hand across his head and sighed. When he looked up at me, I could have sworn I seen tears in his eyes. What the fuck? Anxiety wrapped itself around me and I couldn’t move.

  “Amir, we did get most of the cancer with the beam radiation treatment,” he said.

  Relief rushed through me so fast I thought I was going to pass out. I chuckled, “Then why the grim face?”

  “Well, we didn’t get all of it.” His jaw clenched and his eyes dropped. “I’m so sorry, Amir. But it looks like some of the cancer cells have grown outside of the prostate gland.”

  It couldn’t have hurt more if he’d punched me square in my face. I inhaled loudly because I wasn’t sure if I was still breathing. I looked at the man that I thought was going to save my life and damn near yelled, “How the hell did that happen?”

  When he looked at me, I knew I couldn’t blame him. His face mirrored how I felt inside. His eyes were heavy with anguish. “Amir, this happens sometimes. But it doesn’t mean it’s the end. There are several treatment options. But we have to attack these cells now. The earlier we begin treatment, the better.”

  I was desperate. I was
willing to do whatever. I’d just told Charlie I was damn near cancer free and here the doctor I’d bragged so heavily on, was telling me that not only was I not cancer free, but my cancer had spread. I didn’t know how I was going to break this to Charlie, but I had to. I’d already given her my word that I wouldn’t hide nothing else from her but man, I didn’t want to see that fear on her face.

  “Whatever it is, let’s do it,” I said.

  “Well, we can start chemotherapy this week. This will prevent it from spreading to the bones.”

  Damn, the word chemotherapy scared the shit out of me. Yeah, I knew I had cancer, and although I’d been on other treatments for it, it never felt as real as it felt now that he’d suggested chemotherapy.

  “Damn, am I gonna lose my hair?” I know that should have been the least of my concerns, but it was the first thing I could think of after he’d finished speaking.

  “That is a side effect of the chemotherapy. Not all patients lose their hair though,” he said as he looked at my dreadlocks. “But chemo is our best bet to slow the cancer’s growth and reduce your symptoms.”

  I nodded. “Reduce my symptoms? What about making me cancer free?”

  I knew he was about to say something I didn’t want to hear before he even opened his mouth by the look on his face. “Chemotherapy is unlikely to cure prostate cancer.”

  I jumped up from the chair like it’d suddenly been lit on fire. “You mean, this shit can kill me?”

  Dr. Johnson decided against answering my question. Instead, he stood up and walked from behind his desk. He walked up to me and shocked the hell out of me when he took me in his arms. I hadn’t hugged another man other than my father in a very long time, but I didn’t fight Dr. Johnson when he hugged me.

  “Amir, I’m going to do whatever it takes to make sure this doesn’t kill you.”

  I relaxed with Dr. Johnson’s words and for the first time since I became diagnosed with this cancer shit, I cried.

  ❤❤❤❤❤

  The first round of chemo had me feeling like shit. It had me feeling worse than the cancer ever had. I went home and laid up in my room for what felt like weeks. I had to meet with Charlie tonight, but I could barely pull myself from my got-damn bed. I was terrified of telling Charlie what happened today but I knew as soon as she laid eyes on me, she would know.

  I rushed to the toilet for the third time since being home and vomited what little food I had eaten today. My cell phone was going off non-stop, but I was ignoring everyone’s calls. I needed time alone to process everything before I told anyone else what was going on.

  I’d feared that this cancer shit might actually take me out. Meeting Dr. Johnson gave me a hope that I’d never felt. He made me believe I could really beat this. And then I’d met Charlie.

  Charlie.

  She made me look forward to the future. She made me want a future. And I wanted a future with her more than I’d ever wanted anything else in my fuckin’ life. I fell back into bed and when I closed my eyes, I saw her smiling face. For a moment, the image of her smiling face dulled the stabbing pains in my stomach and I smiled too. Damn, how could I have been so lucky to find a woman as beautiful, as smart, and as loving as Charlie? But then to not be able to have her forever? That shit felt so unfair, so fucked up.

  The stabbing pains in my stomach made me wonder how the hell this chemo was helping me. It had me feeling like I was already dying or some shit. I didn’t even have the strength to pull the covers over me.

  I was halfway asleep when the non-stop ringing of my cell phone gave me no other choice but to answer it.

  It was Charlie and it was three hours past the time I was supposed to meet her at her house.

  “Yo’, Charlie, I’m, sorry —”

  “Amir! Oh my God! Kesha is missing!” Charlie’s frantic voice on the other end of my phone caused me to jump up from the bed, ignoring the ache in my stomach.

  “What?” I asked although I’d heard her.

  “Harris, her boyfriend, showed up at the shop asking if I’d heard from her. Oh my God, Amir, I haven’t heard from her in a while. I didn’t even try to reach out to her. What kind of friend am I?” She was rambling and crying at the same time and I hated how fear had her voice sounding.

  “It’s Darnel. I know it’s that nigga Darnel. What if he killed her? I won’t be able to live with myself if he’s done anything to her, Amir. I knew something wasn’t right but I didn’t act on it and now she might be dead.”

  “Calm down, Charlie,” I finally said. I tried to stand but my legs felt like they were about to give out on me so I sat back down. I tried to make my voice sound as normal as possible when I started speaking again. “You said Harris was a cop, right?”

  “Yeah,” she sniffled.

  “Then I’m sure he’s on it. He probably just as worried about Kesha as you are.”

  “I know, Amir…but I should have known…”

  “Sitting over there beating yourself up about it ain’t gon help find Kesha any faster. You need to calm down and let Harris and the rest of the police do their job.”

  She paused for so long I thought she’d hung up. “You’re right, Amir. But still…”

  I closed my eyes because the room felt like it was spinning. Man, this chemo shit had me all the way fucked up.

  “Where are you? I’ve been calling you for hours,” she said.

  “I’m at the crib, Charlie. I’m sorry. I been feeling like shit. I was actually sleep when you was calling.”

  It must have been something in my voice because she said, “I’m coming over.”

  “You ain’t in no condition to be driving, ma.”

  “Amir! I need you right now. And by the way you sounding right now, you need me too.”

  I couldn’t argue with her because she was coming over no matter what came out my mouth. But I wasn’t going to tell her about the chemo, and I wasn’t going to tell her about the cancer spreading. Not now that her best friend could be dead. She didn’t need that on top of everything else. But I had to admit, I felt like shit for breaking my promise to her.

  Lake

  Got-damn, my parents weren’t shit. They’d been ignoring my calls ever since we had that falling out. I’ll admit, I had no business talking to them the way I had. In fact, I’d never spoken to my parents in that manner before. But the nagging was too much on top of everything else I had going on.

  I threw my cell phone across the room and decided I would just pop up at their house. They called themselves Christians, yet, here they were refusing to forgive me. Ok, they were mad at me, but they still could have checked up on Destiny. The thought that they were taking their anger at me out on Destiny infuriated me. I packed her diaper bag and headed to the car. After situating her in her car seat, I headed to their house.

  As I was driving, I thought back to the last time I’d spoken to my parents. They’d invited me over for dinner and seeing as though my pockets were thinner than ever, I happily obliged. I’d been dining on Ramen Noodles so long that a free meal sounded heavenly. I knew I was going to have to endure a lecture or two, but I’d deal with that in order to come home with a full stomach and some left overs.

  I hadn’t been in there house for more than ten minutes before they started up with the wedding talk. At first, I gave them the same reasons I’d been giving them, but this time I couldn’t take it. It had only been a week since I found out Greg was married and here they were talking about me marrying him.

  I’d kept twitching and moving in my chair because anger was making me too mad to sit still. “Ma, Greg and I won’t be getting married,” I’d told her.

  She sat her water glass on the table and looked at me like I’d cussed at her. “Lake, we didn’t raise you like this!”

  I wanted to tell them Greg was married but then I’d be told that I was going to hell for laying with a married man, whether I knew about it or not, so I just sat there tight lipped.

  I gripped the steering wheel tight as I
remembered how Daddy gyrated on my nerves.

  “Lake, this is unacceptable. We just cannot allow this.” He’d looked at me with eyes full of contempt.

  I crossed and uncrossed my legs while stuffing rice in my mouth.

  “Do you hear me talking to you girl?” Daddy had said.

  I’d kept my eyes trained on my plate because I couldn’t look up at either one of them. No, I couldn’t look at the disappointment that was definitely going to be written completely on their faces. I couldn’t bare that again. The last time I’d seen that amount of disappointment was when I told them I was pregnant and it still hurt today.

  “Yes, Daddy, I hear you.”

  “You wasn’t raised to be some man’s baby mama!” He’d said.

  “I know,” I’d said. It hurt me that they thought that’s all I wanted to be. I’d wanted to be Greg’s wife. But Greg was already married. The secret was on the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed it. I could never tell my parents that.

  “I’m ashamed to call you my daughter,” Mama had said. And when she said that I finally looked up at them.

  I’d expected her to instantly say she didn’t mean that. I’d expected her to apologize profusely. But she just stared back at me like she meant every word. Then I looked over at Daddy, expecting him to come to my rescue, but he just sat there nodding his head, obviously, completely in agreeance with Mama.

  And for that, my heart split in two. I didn’t think I had any heart left to break after finding out Greg was married, but looking at my parents who proudly admitted they regretted me, what little heart I had left shattered.

  Tears ran down my face as I turned onto my parents’ street. I was still hurt but I was willing to forgive them. Why couldn’t they forgive me? After they‘d said something so deliberately hurtful to me, I’d said things to them that I cannot bring myself to repeat. After cussing them out, I’d grabbed Destiny and ran out of their house. I’d tried calling them the next day, but they ignored my call and had been ignoring me ever since. They wouldn’t be able to ignore me anymore because I was pulling into their driveway and I was going to make them forgive me like the Christians they proclaimed to be, was supposed to forgive.